tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28383265455863915252024-03-05T10:16:26.063-05:00Panthers and Petals 4 HimLeah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.comBlogger318125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-52265587802144421252012-02-01T19:37:00.001-05:002012-02-01T19:38:24.781-05:00The Birthday Project - 40 Random Acts of KindnessWhat began as somewhat of a challenge, turned into one of the most amazing projects I've ever undertaken. And, I was blessed beyond words.<br />
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After reading about my friend Amber's <a href="http://apzoller.blogspot.com/2012/01/birthday-project.html">Birthday Project</a>, I knew I wanted to do the same thing. Amber spent her 31st birthday doing 31 random acts of kindness (RAOKs) for people. I loved that idea! However, I knew there would be no way that I could do 40 random acts of kindness on my 40th birthday last month (1/21). But, I was willing to still do the 40 RAOKs - I just needed to spread them out over several days.<br />
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And so I began my own <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2012/01/birthday-project-and-giveaway.html">Birthday Project</a> - on January 10. And, I just completed it yesterday! Friends, it was amazing! There's something to be said about finding healing when you spend time focused on others. The 22 days that I spent doing RAOKs were some of the happiest days of my <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">grief journey</a>, to date. And, I don't think that was "by chance". Now, don't get me wrong. Going through the process of grieving is VERY important, and I'm not trying to cover it up or take my mind off of it by doing for others. Simply put, I was just so filled with joy in doing for others that the darkest emotions of grief were unable to get through on those days. It was truly amazing!<br />
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And so, without further ado...here's my list:<br />
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1. <span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I sent flowers to a new </span><a href="http://shespeaksconference.com/" style="text-indent: -0.25in;">She Speaks</a><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> friend for her 32</span><sup style="text-indent: -0.25in;">nd</sup><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> birthday. She lives in Nashville and is a single lady, and I knew she wouldn’t have a boyfriend or hubby bringing her flowers on her special day. As a widow, I know how lonely that can feel at times, so I chose to bless her in that way.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">2. </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I put a box of M&Ms along with a thank you note in our mailbox one morning to surprise our mail carrier!</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGplmWpHpvnN1uYBmeoHzWq03EkDIiRDvJYFEbARiVb4GWTLQExoS9ClGbjE6WAAoCB1ECGMrEOZ3YfH_6uLXDZ_lY9p7r-TILuOKDHBbbkYUz4oTDz74eCebh3E5YO49RqHL4vWSWJQM-/s1600/IMG_5404.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGplmWpHpvnN1uYBmeoHzWq03EkDIiRDvJYFEbARiVb4GWTLQExoS9ClGbjE6WAAoCB1ECGMrEOZ3YfH_6uLXDZ_lY9p7r-TILuOKDHBbbkYUz4oTDz74eCebh3E5YO49RqHL4vWSWJQM-/s200/IMG_5404.JPG" width="133" /></a></div><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">3.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Gave a $25 Walmart gift card to a complete stranger while in Walmart shopping one day. I think I scared her at first – she thought it was too good to be true.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">4.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I gave a $10 Walmart gift card to a lady working the window at one of our local McDonald’s after I paid for iced tea. I’ll never forget that grin on her face. Priceless!</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">5.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Sent flowers to a new friend of mine – also a widow – that lives in Arizona “just because”.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixi9cYlRU6j-TSC4huT6IcmepjMqehoNYyUSs48qK1AXaQ2OIiJCG4anq9culgMnXrq5B8FleGv9bw3M9ZpUr2Zn8s7WqCbuTGv2v-OMPiR9U_aCN-WaNtxmts3ru70sI-dTz2Zsh9UguD/s1600/Cindy_flowers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixi9cYlRU6j-TSC4huT6IcmepjMqehoNYyUSs48qK1AXaQ2OIiJCG4anq9culgMnXrq5B8FleGv9bw3M9ZpUr2Zn8s7WqCbuTGv2v-OMPiR9U_aCN-WaNtxmts3ru70sI-dTz2Zsh9UguD/s200/Cindy_flowers.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">6.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Drove to another town 2 hours away to meet with another grieving woman affected by suicide in the loss of her brother right before Christmas.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">7.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Put $1.00 bills with notes inside seven random books at a local used bookstore.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">8.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Surprised a co-worker by completing one of her job responsibilities for her one morning.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">9.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Delivered a book full of inspirational stories to help a co-worker during some difficult days.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">10.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Surprised another co-worker with her favorite snack – peach rings – and left them on her desk chair one day!</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">11.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Gave a $10 Walmart gift card to another McDonald’s worker in a different part of town this time. Her whole demeanor changed upon receiving it. I loved watching that transformation!</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">12.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Gave $5 giftcards for a local café to the grumpiest Pharmacy Technician at my local drugstore. The “grumpy” seemed to roll right off of her after receiving that small surprise.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">13.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Gave a final $10 Walmart gift card to a third McDonald’s employee while at the drive-thru window.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">14.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Folded my daughter’s laundry for her. (She’s been doing her laundry since the summer of 2010, so this was a HUGE deal for her to find I had already done it for her.)</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">15.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Took flowers to a neighbor and left them on their front porch with a note that simply said “to brighten your day”.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">16.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Delivered a baby gift to the hospital where I was born (20 minutes away from where I currently live) the night before my birthday. It was a non-gender specific gift, so the hospital staff was asked to give it to a baby born on my birthday along with a note that I had written explaining I had been born in that very hospital 40 years ago.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">17.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Left a silk flower on each of my female co-workers’ desks with a note saying, “You are special!”</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">18.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Left a generous tip (almost the cost of the bill) after eating at my favorite Mexican restaurant. I decided to do this ahead of time – regardless of the level of service.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">19.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Left quarters in the candy/toy vending machines at a local mall for children to discover later.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">20.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Sent a “thinking about you card” to a grieving widow I’ve never met.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">21.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Sent a card to a woman that’s been visiting our church who has experienced severe loss in her life over the last two years.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">22.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Sent an Edible Arrangements display to the ladies at in the office at one of my favorite ministries.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">23.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Sent a note of encouragement to a woman going through breast cancer treatment.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">24.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Prayed for each person I saw on the road, as I traveled to work one morning (i.e. people waiting on the city bus, walking, homeless).</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">25.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Created 2 treasure boxes and delivered them to a playground to be discovered by playing children. Each contained large plastic gold coins and a real $1.00 bill along with a note from me.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">26.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Made up two activity bags (1 for a boy and 1 for a girl) to bless a couple of sick children in the pediatric until of our local hospital. Dropped them off and instructed the nursing staff to give them to two children they felt could benefit most from them.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">27.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Taped a $1 bill with a note on a drink vending machine saying, “Enjoy a drink on me and keep the change!”</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">28.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">While checking out at our local Walgreen’s, I found myself behind a little girl buying a stuffed Valentine bear for her grandmother. She was $0.12 short, so I gave her the $0.12. Easy but so fun to do – especially when she grinned!</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">29.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Paid for breakfast for the car behind me at Chick-fil-A one morning.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">30.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2012/01/birthday-week-and-giveaway-winner.html">Gave away a prize</a> on my blog for someone that participated in my Random Acts of Kindness (RAOK) Birthday Project. The prize consisted of a Daily Prayer Organizer, 2 journals (one to keep, one to give away), a box of notecards, and 2 $5 Starbucks gift cards (one to keep, one to give away).</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL_SoRFAIILlDEsXC5yVdWiBlnaQt0sjC5TrkTjtSpZwt_63vbNSqoW-JR94BHrboB_DW4uUDCDGIXUgvzB4oTpfc5CYVRC096TP7Bd18-4Net5P4IewNmbsidL5WI-cipA895eWAEtK9u/s1600/IMG_5432.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL_SoRFAIILlDEsXC5yVdWiBlnaQt0sjC5TrkTjtSpZwt_63vbNSqoW-JR94BHrboB_DW4uUDCDGIXUgvzB4oTpfc5CYVRC096TP7Bd18-4Net5P4IewNmbsidL5WI-cipA895eWAEtK9u/s200/IMG_5432.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">31.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Secretively paid for a haircut for a single mom and her son.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">32.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Helped another co-worker on a different day with her job responsibilities to lighten her load.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">33.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Donated makeup to a local women’s shelter.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">34.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Donated money to the Ronald McDonald House.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">35.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Sent money to a missionary.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">36.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Sent a book and note of encouragement to a woman grieving the recent loss of her brother.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">37.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Pushed grocery carts from the parking lot into my local grocery store before I started my shopping one night.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">38.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Bought lunch for a friend.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">39.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Took doughnuts to my local bank to say “thank you” for what you do.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">40.</span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman'; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Wrote a note to one of my doctors thanking him for his excellent service and taking time to always make me feel as if I’m his only patient for the day. Also shared that I pray for him and his staff routinely.</span>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-29896015764072780632012-01-29T20:13:00.000-05:002012-01-29T20:13:10.037-05:00The Hole<div class="MsoNormal">It was just a small hole. About the size of the eye of a needle, perhaps smaller. And yet…when I laid my eyes upon it for the first time…I cried, well sobbed actually. I was simply going about the busy-ness of my day, doing my “normal” things, which typically includes making my bed. It was then, I saw it. The miniature hole in my sheets, and the tears began to flow.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">No. Holes in sheets don’t normally make me cry. They’re just sheets. Sheets wear out over time. But, these aren’t just any sheets. These are the sheets that I slept under with my husband on his last night on this earth. While I have other sheets, they are the ones that I find I keep washing and remaking my bed with, because they are so near and dear to me. I even accidentally got bleach on the pillowcases, but I didn’t care. I continued putting them on my bed, and I still sleep in them every single night.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I tried to sleep in other sheets for awhile, but I went right back to these, and it’s been that way ever since. But, then I saw the hole. While it’s very small now, it will grow. It’s a sign of the wear and tear taking its toll on these sheets. Eventually, I’ll have to throw them away. How long do I left with my sheets? Who knows? And…that’s not really the point anyway. For me, it’s just another piece of my life with Chris drifting away (or as I really feel, if truth be told – being “stolen” from me – but, that’s another blog post). </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I know it’s just a hole in my sheets, but today I’m very sad about it. A bit on the distraught side actually. You may be thinking, “all because of a silly little HOLE??” Yes – all because of a silly stinkin’ hole! I guess I’m just trying to hang onto the last bits and pieces of him that I have left.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And so…today…I shed many tears over a miniscule hole. And the grief continues…</div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-91978426111605325712012-01-25T12:00:00.001-05:002012-01-25T15:42:31.397-05:00The Big 4-0!<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I’ve always said that it’s hard to surprise me. I guess it’s that little investigative personality quirk of mine. I’m always trying to figure everything out. That’s generally not a good thing, unless I’m working on a brain teaser or something else that requires problem-solving techniques. Then, I’m your girl.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">However, I have to admit – I’ve been surprised A LOT in the last week. Wonderful surprises, thankfully!</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">We just finished up “birthday weekend in our house”. I turned the big 4-0 last Saturday, and my daughter turned 15 on Monday (two days ago). I had mixed feelings about leaving my thirties and entering this new decade of numbers.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div>On the one hand, my thirties were filled with tragedy, ending with the worst one to date with my husband’s <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/05/one-week-ago-today.html">death</a> last May. So, for my forties represent an opportunity for renewed hope and prayerfully God-given restoration. But, the forties represent aging…dreams unfulfilled…and for me, as recently as last week, a temporary decline in health. Then again – with each day I live – I’m one day closer to Heaven! I long to be Home but not one day earlier than God calls me.<br />
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<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">But, there was another part of turning 40 that simply…well…bothered me. I met my husband when he was 42, so I wasn’t around to help him celebrate his 40th birthday. But, I’ve heard stories of that day several times. In short, he was living in Florida – had just moved there actually. He really didn’t know anyone that well yet, and he was alone. He treated himself to dinner at the local Outback, and he and the wait staff celebrated his birthday. He laughed it off a lot, but I also remember him saying over and over that my 40th birthday would not be lonely like that – he would make sure of it.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div>So, you can imagine when my brain actually had a moment to wrap my mind around the fact that my husband left me in this world before my 40th birthday – I was actually very hurt (and if I’m being honest, a little angry at first too). I couldn’t believe he would do to me the very thing that he vowed to not let happen…spend my 40th birthday alone. But, I know that I know that I know…<a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">he wasn’t in his right mind on May 3-4, 2011</a>. He never would have intentionally done that.<br />
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Well, I definitely wasn’t alone. Not even close. The celebrations actually began last Thursday (the 19th) when my co-workers surprised me with an “Over the Hill” party full of gag gifts, food, fun, and love! I laughed….a lot…that morning!<br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFVVM6ebkUaSgQXOKvJJpGTNp-v6gBxvfoD5kqI-vk_QQ2SGvyLi6XfcPqDQgEnctYZxoC8BdIclqtgYOH4BoR97uT8ubOrl6BC4D5lWXLh2VF5ZgWBf4rieTUVsD4NtM0rXbkyrC_EdYB/s1600/Leah_OTH+party2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gda="true" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFVVM6ebkUaSgQXOKvJJpGTNp-v6gBxvfoD5kqI-vk_QQ2SGvyLi6XfcPqDQgEnctYZxoC8BdIclqtgYOH4BoR97uT8ubOrl6BC4D5lWXLh2VF5ZgWBf4rieTUVsD4NtM0rXbkyrC_EdYB/s320/Leah_OTH+party2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">My oldest friend (not in age), Kandi, came up Friday night to help me celebrate on Saturday. Little did I know what she had up her sleeve. She told me she “had something planned that she wanted to do”, but I never dreamed it would include all of this…</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">1) Breakfast at Cracker Barrel with Kandi</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">2) Pampering with a manicure and pedicure with Kandi, Rebecca, and Carol</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">3) Dinner at Travinia with Kandi, Rebecca, and Carol</div>4) A return home to a HOUSE FULL of my closest friends that had gathered for my <strong><u>SURPRISE</u></strong> 40th birthday party! And…a surprise it was indeed! One of Chris’ sisters even came down from Virginia to join in the surprise!<br />
5) Two dozen pink roses (I LOVE flowers and the color pink), a beautiful cake (I LOVE cake too), colorful balloons, and yummy food also showed up at the party!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLIspTZijQJGDWTN_K2vRKHlEcLJGWBj7R8czOHff1Uuj0N0N0oeoWo3TxVj3n29eYGZlVi-FLi5iIT-_aSTCA7w-BXxsg2sMffqP7gFch8HA44GQ9NzeoOCuIiIh3aqj5qHv03GYBPhm6/s1600/Leah_cake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gda="true" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLIspTZijQJGDWTN_K2vRKHlEcLJGWBj7R8czOHff1Uuj0N0N0oeoWo3TxVj3n29eYGZlVi-FLi5iIT-_aSTCA7w-BXxsg2sMffqP7gFch8HA44GQ9NzeoOCuIiIh3aqj5qHv03GYBPhm6/s320/Leah_cake.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
In addition to that, I received many cards in the mail, well wishes on Facebook and…another surprise…<br />
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<a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2012/01/hijacked-happy-birthday-leah.html">My blog was HIJACKED</a>! Yes indeed! It was “taken over” by a sweet friend that’s actually working on my new website, and she secretly coordinated putting up some precious messages, videos, and birthday greetings from some amazing ladies – as far away as Colorado!<br />
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And…just when you think…this girl has been blessed ENOUGH…God gave me another one!<br />
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</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Little did I realize but a sweet new friend in the state of Washington (that I’ve never met in person) <a href="http://www.youniquemom.blogspot.com/2012/01/project-gillen-birthdays.html">contacted the Carolina Panthers</a> (my FAVORITE football team) to let them know about the recent tragedy that touched our lives last year with Chris’ death. You know what they did? They sent a package of goodies along with a sweet letter (see below), and it happened to arrive on my birthday! <a href="http://www.youniquemom.blogspot.com/p/project-gillen.html">Angie (my Washington friend)</a> hadn’t even planned on that…but God did! I was stunned!</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzZ9BwYom2a3tm_EtRv9IP5PamfTAoTFjw2NWm4k10wcwPRkHh4YUw_mAbMp-aOhL-3S3mczIwN-ptxLTVI37AWtx5OyILyQXxi9ztPXQy9Me2ObCt4lkXmNdeAshComoXiH146VLBbYbv/s1600/Leah_panthers+letter+cropped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gda="true" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzZ9BwYom2a3tm_EtRv9IP5PamfTAoTFjw2NWm4k10wcwPRkHh4YUw_mAbMp-aOhL-3S3mczIwN-ptxLTVI37AWtx5OyILyQXxi9ztPXQy9Me2ObCt4lkXmNdeAshComoXiH146VLBbYbv/s400/Leah_panthers+letter+cropped.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">So, I think I’m finally beginning to break through the cloud of sweet shock that settled in over me this weekend. I’m so thankful for the way God chose to love on me for this first birthday without Chris! I feel VERY loved right now!</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">And...just to report...Anna’s birthday was a blast too! It was just the two of us, but we celebrated big time! Chinese takeout, game night, and movie night - all Anna's requests!</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">P.S. I'll post about my <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2012/01/birthday-project-and-giveaway.html">Birthday Project</a> (40 Random Acts of Kindness in a day or two). So, stay tuned...</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-33239429711989702302012-01-23T05:00:00.001-05:002012-01-23T05:00:00.384-05:00To Anna<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmhvgsYAZe9jGyzC4T4cdKhspeYOgUQqzALOUlWE_1EiNrsTP_H_smA4hn62TOSHAYe8gudpzRIqazk1MXzDPeb4Wsn5bD94gU6_uYvW4BAQrkO3bWPfqX0KivuNB6fFTIOqHieylgvD_x/s1600/Anna.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmhvgsYAZe9jGyzC4T4cdKhspeYOgUQqzALOUlWE_1EiNrsTP_H_smA4hn62TOSHAYe8gudpzRIqazk1MXzDPeb4Wsn5bD94gU6_uYvW4BAQrkO3bWPfqX0KivuNB6fFTIOqHieylgvD_x/s200/Anna.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>I remember holding you in my arms that very first time thinking, <i>"Is she really mine?"</i> I was scared - that God would entrust something so fragile and so beautiful to us to care for. And yet...I was so very, very THANKFUL!<br />
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Secretly, I had wanted my first baby to be a little girl. That had been my dream for years, so when the sonographer announced at our ultrasound that you were, indeed, a GIRL - I couldn't believe it. I think I had prepared myself for a boy...just in case...that when the news came that we should focus on buying pink...I was shocked. Happily shocked! :-) Thankfully, on January 23, 1997 at 5:39 pm - the news the sonographer had given us a few months prior was validated - here was my baby girl, my beautiful baby girl!<br />
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And now...my beautiful baby girl has developed into a beautiful young lady.<br />
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Anna, your beauty is not just external sweetheart, but your internal beauty is what makes this mother's heart sing. You are uniquely compassionate for those less fortunate...whether it be the kid being bullied or the malnourished child in Africa or perhaps the elderly woman in the grocery store that can hardly push her shopping cart, your compassion is so real. You love people. You want to serve people. And that makes me smile!<br />
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But, you also love God - unashamedly! I love your bold faith - so much bolder than my own at your age. You are not ashamed of the Gospel, and you are certainly not ashamed to admit you're a Jesus girl! I love that about you sweetheart! Your desire to want others to have what you have (or Who you have) is so beautiful. You go to great lengths, no matter that cost, to be the hands and feet of Jesus to people that you "do life" with so that they can see the Savior in you and want Him too! That is so uniquely rare in a young lady of 15. At your age, it's more common to be obsessed with the latest fashions/labels, your external appearance, the cute boys around you, what life can give you. But you, my dear, are thankfully different. Those things, while nice at times, aren't the things that impress you. And that also makes me smile!<br />
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You've endured much heartache in your brief 15 years, but my sweet girl...you are rising above it all! You are a living example of Romans 8:28, and I can't wait to see how God will continue to use your obedient heart in the days, months, and years to come.<br />
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So, today, on your 15th birthday...I wanted to publicly say how proud I am of you, Anna! I love you beyond words, and I am so very thankful that God hand-picked you to be my daughter!<br />
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<b><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;">Happy Birthday 'Sweet-Sweet'!!!! </span></b>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-63231742873349477432012-01-22T21:02:00.000-05:002012-01-22T21:02:14.285-05:00Birthday Week and Giveaway Winner!What a week! An unforgettable week at that!<br />
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As I noted in my <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2012/01/birthday-project-and-giveaway.html">Birthday Project Giveaway post</a> earlier, this week represented the last few days of my thirties, as my 40th birthday was yesterday. And...WOW...my thirties went out with a bang.<br />
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I spent most of the week in a lot of pain and finally ended up in the ER on Friday. The last few hours of my thirties were spent learning that I appeared to have nothing too serious (praise the Lord!) but nothing could concretely be diagnosed (ugh!). And so...the medical "drama" is not quite over (or so it seems). Enough of that, however...<br />
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The Birthday Project has been a BLAST! However, with my medical setback...I haven't quite finished. I started 10 days before my birthday, so I'm allowing myself the rest of this week to finish, if needed. I'll be sure to post about all of the RAOKs (Random Acts of Kindness) I was able to perform. It truly was something I will never forget, and I pray that it becomes a routine practice of mine - showing RAOKs to people - and not just something to do for special occasions!<br />
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I'll post more about the birthday festivities tomorrow. But, let's just say...I was blessed beyond measure. This being my first birthday without Chris could have been a VERY difficult day emotionally, but my friends made sure I was well taken care of, and I honestly felt deeply loved!<br />
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And...now...time to announce the winner of the grand prize from the <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2012/01/birthday-project-and-giveaway.html">Birthday Project Giveaway</a>:<br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">Sheila - Timestamp: January 18 - 9:11 pm</span><br />
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Congratulations Sheila! Be sure to email me or Facebook message me your mailing address so that I can get your prize sent off to you right away!<br />
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Thank you for all of the wonderful birthday wishes friends. You are precious to me!<br />
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By the way, if you haven't had a chance to check out the <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2012/01/hijacked-happy-birthday-leah.html">"Hijacked" post</a> from my birthday...please do! What a shock but what a <u><b>precious </b></u>gift!Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-11327795661522560962012-01-21T11:40:00.000-05:002012-01-21T11:40:18.801-05:00Hijacked! Happy Birthday Leah!Hey everyone ... Lisa Boyd here. I've hijacked Leah's blog today to wish her a happy birthday and share some messages from her She Speaks sisters. Be sure to leave a comment today and share your special birthday message with Leah!<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: #ebf4ef; border: 1px solid #93B6A7; padding: 16px;">Hey Leah!<br />
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I had hoped to have your new blog ready before today so I could leave these messages there, but the timing just didn't work out. I gathered messages - some video - some text - some graphics - from your Table #73 sisters :) We all wish that we lived right next door so we could bombard you with hugs, presents, food, balloons, and of course, presents! But we have to settle for hijacking your blog.<br />
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I hope and pray you have a wonderful day, full of love, friends and family. I'm so thankful that I've gotten to know you online. You are one strong lady who loves Jesus! Thank you for the wonderful example you set for me and for others. Praying that Jesus continues to hold you tight in His arms and that He loves on you even more this next year! ~ Lisa Boyd</blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-S2wfNElUJDMUIfzW1wU6KV2vuDHLfrYj7m7XeMcDY8Vy9ygsKlLe9-JBkTpSm9ARzPozmdqoiBPWSobzn3WsFT1clJyqkB2-CO0hVAXGEzLaGzE6DGD7krgklfbeEAMPrOketGkHSD35/s1600/Angie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-S2wfNElUJDMUIfzW1wU6KV2vuDHLfrYj7m7XeMcDY8Vy9ygsKlLe9-JBkTpSm9ARzPozmdqoiBPWSobzn3WsFT1clJyqkB2-CO0hVAXGEzLaGzE6DGD7krgklfbeEAMPrOketGkHSD35/s320/Angie.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: #ebf4ef; border: 1px solid #93B6A7; padding: 16px;">Happy Birthday Leah!!! Sending you BIG BIG HUGS on this very special day! I hope your heart is blessed and you receive love over flowing! I am so thankful for your friendship. You have richly blessed me directly and indirectly more than you know. I love you dearly!! And remember...we have a Papa's and Beer dinner on hold that will need filling SOON!!! TOOT TOOT....that's my birthday horn. ;-) ~ Angie</blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-SaAXtFZE4rPM6anIn6y9SmFBFLMplZTilvNgqIogrk37Brwg5QdWVecERjQOrzQRciKWQM29v39j8PPG29tNUTWs-DedKl8YAmEixKlMwD3sIicHjs05LsRzUrMV3naDPARNFqq-iIOS/s1600/Oct+28+Leah-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="152" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-SaAXtFZE4rPM6anIn6y9SmFBFLMplZTilvNgqIogrk37Brwg5QdWVecERjQOrzQRciKWQM29v39j8PPG29tNUTWs-DedKl8YAmEixKlMwD3sIicHjs05LsRzUrMV3naDPARNFqq-iIOS/s320/Oct+28+Leah-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: #ebf4ef; border: 1px solid #93B6A7; padding: 16px;">Happy birthday, Leah! I'm so glad God brought you in to my life this summer. I have enjoyed getting to know you and your beautiful heart. Praying blessings upon you this next year. May 40 bring more true friends, fun adventures, and God-sized "coincidences" your way. Love you, friend! ~ Leigh </blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://3.gvt0.com/vi/1C_GoDOKomM/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/1C_GoDOKomM&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/1C_GoDOKomM&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></div><br />
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And ... one more message from family :) <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: #ebf4ef; border: 1px solid #93B6A7; padding: 16px;">Happy Birthday Leah....there are no words to describe all that you are to me. We have been through so much together over these past 20+ years. No matter how chaotic things may have gotten in either of our lives.....one thing has always been a constant...YOU!! I appreciate you so much and I pray that God will bless you beyond belief as you begin this new decade (lol) in your life. Thank you for the inspiration that you are to me and so many....always remember....you are truly are the SISTER...I never had.... Love you always, Kandi</blockquote><br />
Happy Birthday Leah!Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-31751302022208011802012-01-16T21:45:00.000-05:002012-01-16T21:45:13.996-05:00The Birthday Project and a GIVEAWAY!It's here! Birthday week in our house, that is. One week from today (1/23) my daughter turns 15. Yikes. And even more yikes...I turn the big 4-0 on Saturday (1/21). Honestly, I still feel 25 sometimes, so this just doesn't seem possible. However, I'm holding out with great hope that my 40s and beyond will be the best years of my life.<br />
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For the past two years, I've had such joy in doing a birthday blog giveaway. I'm doing that again this year...but with a twist.<br />
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My sweet friend, Amber, had her birthday earlier this month and spent the better part of a day doing a random act of kindness (RAOK) for each year of her life. You can read about it by <a href="http://apzoller.blogspot.com/2012/01/birthday-project.html">clicking here</a>. I thought it was such a wonderful idea, and I knew I had to steal it! I find so much pleasure in doing for others (especially those RAOKs) that I decided I would do 40 random acts of kindness for my 40th birthday. However, I don't have the energy that Amber does to do it all in one day, so I've spread mine out over the 10-11 days leading up to my birthday. I'm in the middle of this birthday project and will report on it Sunday - the day after my birthday, so you can see how everything turned out. But, let's just say I'm having a blast so far! My daughter has even joined in on the madness and is doing 15 RAOKs for her 15th birthday. I loved watching her in action at our local Walmart over the weekend. It did this mama's heart good! :-)<br />
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Anyway, back to the giveaway....<br />
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Here's how it will work. First off, it begins tonight (sorry this post is getting up a little late) and will run through midnight on Saturday (the 21st). I'll announce the winner on Sunday evening (the 22nd). How can you enter you might be wondering?<br />
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1) Perform a random act of kindness for somebody this week and then come back here and leave a comment saying what you did. If you want to do 2, 3, 30, 50...you can come back here and leave that many comments. Essentially...for each <u><b>unique </b></u>random act of kindness you do...come back here and leave a comment. Each comment gets you an entry (don't bundle all of your RAOKs into one comment, because that will only get you one entry). See what I mean? Now - as for the word "unique". Let's say that you buy 10 plants and plan to give them to 10 different people...that only counts as one comment entry. But, if you buy 10 plants & give them to 10 people and then carry groceries out for someone at the store, and giveaway 5 Starbucks cards - that would be considered 3 different entries (because that's 3 unique types of RAOKs). I hope this makes sense.<br />
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2) The other way to enter is to post about this giveaway on Twitter and/or Facebook and provide the link back to this blog post. THEN...come back here and comment and tell me you've done. The comment is what Random Integer will pick up when selecting the winner.<br />
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So, you can get your first entries in immediately by spreading the word on Twitter and Facebook and then come back after you complete your RAOKs. They don't have to be big and elaborate friends...just bless somebody...randomly...when they're not especting it. Can you imagine all the smiles this week?<br />
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So, what will you win? I've got a picture of it below, but specifically...you will win:<br />
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1) A Daily Prayer Organizer - what better random (or intentional) act of kindness can you do for somebody than pray for them. This is a WONDERFUL organizer new on the market. I have one and LOVE it!<br />
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2) Two journals - one to keep and one for you to give away (another RAOK)<br />
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3) Two $5.00 Starbucks giftcards - one to keep and one for you to give away (and yet another RAOK)<br />
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4) Lastly, a box of blank notecards. Leaving a kind note for someone is another powerful way to express love and you can even do it randomly!<br />
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I'm praying for a great turnout with this giveaway, because I truly want to see all of us catch the "RAOK fever". If you've never had much experience before with offering random acts of kindness...trust me, you will be so blessed!<br />
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Now...on your mark...get set...go bless somebody!!!<br />
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Don't forget to come back and here and tell me about it and get entered to win! :-)Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-14151329573379572532012-01-12T22:22:00.000-05:002012-01-12T22:22:51.253-05:00Cemetery Guilt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHg4mvFx09DJL1Q99o2sWT_UWAqOTqEHC-wxFSCyKysuWWsiQ_FhPrZqps_vtRp79btNlQZwYUsiUsTEijhNDloY3ilDV-YhQHWq-rXhzV_CszOAAvQnLL384Y0CA0A3CZLmP1vYifZ2CT/s1600/Chris+-+Christmas+grave+marker+flowers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHg4mvFx09DJL1Q99o2sWT_UWAqOTqEHC-wxFSCyKysuWWsiQ_FhPrZqps_vtRp79btNlQZwYUsiUsTEijhNDloY3ilDV-YhQHWq-rXhzV_CszOAAvQnLL384Y0CA0A3CZLmP1vYifZ2CT/s200/Chris+-+Christmas+grave+marker+flowers.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>In the beginning, I visited daily. Sometimes more than once a day. My trips to the cemetery to sit at my husband's grave are absolutely precious to me. It's where I spend a lot of time praying, weeping, "talking" to Chris, and thinking. He's buried in a beautiful memorial park in a section that sits on a small hill with a mountain landscape dropped in right behind it - or right in front depending on the angle from where you're observing. It's a beautiful God painting!<br />
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After I returned to work following <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">Chris' death</a>, I continued to head to the cemetery before I would go home many nights each week. I know <i>Chris </i>isn't actually there, but just knowing his earthly body is just a few feet under from where I stand or sit makes me feel close to him (as crazy as this might sound). On one occasion, I was talking with a co-worker who also lost a close family member a few months before me, and she asked me a question that she thought would make me wonder if she'd lost her marbles. She asked, "Sometimes, do you ever just want to dig him up so you could see him again, hold him again, feel him again?" She went on to share that she had been thinking those strange things herself regarding her loved one. Interestingly enough...I totally got that. As crazy as it may appear, I also wanted to do that very impossible thing.<br />
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As the months went on, the colder days set in, school started back for my new high schooler, and life got a little more hectic. My cemetery days shrunk to just weekend days. I felt so guilty for that. It was almost as if I thought Chris would be disappointed if I didn't show up for several days. I KNOW (in my "knower" as my friend Lorie would say) that this is crazy thinking. He's NOT there. However, it didn't stop me from feeling the way I did.<br />
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Then came November. The time changed, and the shorter days became even shorter and much colder. This particular cemetery closes at sunset - meaning I often can't get there after work anymore during the week. Then, I discovered my weekends were full - going out of town, running errands, etc. Before I knew it - I hadn't been to Chris' grave in a couple of weeks. Upon realization of that - I wept. I felt I had betrayed him. Seriously. I know this makes no sense, in many ways, but this was huge to me. The guilt was almost more than I could take.<br />
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It's practically mid-January now. I've only been to visit his gravesite maybe 5 times in the last 12 weeks. For some, even that's too much. For me? It's just another bend in the Grief Road. Does this mean I care less? On the contrary actually. As I <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2012/01/deeper-in-love.html">blogged </a>just a week or so ago, I'm more in love with my husband now than ever before. I want to honor him now every way imaginable. But, the cemetery guilt is leaving. I know Chris would not want me out there all the time. I can still "talk to him" from the comforts of home.<br />
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And, honestly, I look forward to spring - the warmer, longer days - when I can spend a little more time in that peaceful, special place out of "want to" rather than guilt. Oh, how I miss him so...Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-45910824287550078312012-01-12T06:00:00.004-05:002012-01-12T06:00:11.883-05:00Do You Want to Get Well?<div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><i>Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “<b>Do you want to get well?</b>”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><i><br />
</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><i> “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><i><br />
</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><i> Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. ~John 5:1-8 NIV</i><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">The words kept ringing in my ears...<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Do you want to get well? Do you want to get well? Do you want to get well?</b></span><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">I remembered this very healing that took place at the pool of Bethesda when Jesus uttered these words, but I couldn't remember the exact location and the context of the words. And so my search began...<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">I found the reference immediately and went right to John 5, and I studied. I read the words over and over. I even studied the Greek a bit. I went to my Bible software suite and studied it in a commentary. <i>What are you trying to say to me here Lord?</i><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><b><span style="color: red;">Do you want to get well?<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">And...then I knew. I've been sick. Not in the physical sense that most would think of...cold, flu, virus...but heartsick, grief-sick. And, like the invalid here in this passage, I've been waiting on someone to help me into the "water". My statements might sound something like this, however...<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">-I can't do this. It's just too hard.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">-Everyone around me seems to be oblivious to how deeply I'm hurting.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">-It's easier to just stay where I'm at. Grief work is too hard.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">-I'm putting on weight again. I seem to be going in reverse of what I should be doing.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">-I've tried everything, but nothing seems to work anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">-I want healing, and I'm just too tired to do anything about it. Nobody seems to understand that.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">For me, "the water" represents that which I can never reach. Like the invalid, I've had moments where I've simply laid there waiting on someone to help me. But everyone would run right past me. Like the invalid, I got used to my circumstances and eventually fell prey to them. I allowed them to overtake me at times (i.e. food). Like the invalid, I somewhat gave up the fight. I felt it was useless...I would never reach the "water". <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">But then the Holy Spirit quickened me with those words that wouldn't go away. <span style="color: red;"><b>Do you want to get well? </b></span><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">When I studied this passage, I realized a couple of things...<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">1) The invalid DID want to get well. He was just "stuck" in his misery.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">2) Jesus was the only one that could help him see the way out of his misery.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">3) The man had to obey Jesus' instructions to receive his healing. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">4) The man no longer relied on anyone else to get to the healing waters. He stood up and walked. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">5) The man didn't need the waters to be healed...he needed the Savior.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><i>So what am I supposed to do with this Lord? What are you trying to say?<o:p></o:p></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Do you want to get well?<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><i>Yes, Lord! I do! I desperately do!<o:p></o:p></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="color: red;"><b>Then, start walking. Nobody else will carry you where you need to go. But, trust in what I tell you to do, and you will have the strength to do it...without the aid of the "healing waters". <o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">My healing may not yet be complete (and it may never be complete this side of heaven), but I'm walking friends...I'm putting one foot in front of the other, and I'm walking!<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-71767056493529712832012-01-09T09:04:00.000-05:002012-01-09T09:04:47.999-05:00My Core FourIf you're popping over from my post on <a href="http://www.awidowsmight.org/2012/01/a-love-so-deep/">A Widow's Might</a> today, I'm so thrilled to say "welcome"!<br />
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One of the tangible ways God has poured out His lavish love on me these past 8 months of grief is through a group I have affectionately dubbed my Core Four!<br />
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My Core Four is not a group of fictitious superheroes (although, we're working on names and costumes just for fun). It is a group of Jesus-loving women, uniquely gifted and I believe specifically called by God to come alongside me "at such a time as this".<br />
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Let me first say, God has blessed me with an ARMY of support - not just these 4 ladies. I actually wanted to write a post calling out each name one-by-one and sharing how each person has served as the hands of feet of Jesus to Anna and/or me in these last 8 months. However, as I started formulating the list, it simply grew so large that I was afraid I would forget somebody. That's a treasure in and of itself. And, I don't take this "army" of support lightly.<br />
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However, there are times that I simply can't share everything my heart actually feels on this blog or other social media outlet. It's simply too painful, and honestly not very appropriate at times. That's where my Core Four comes in.<br />
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These are the ladies I feel safe in sending a text message to at anytime of the day or night I can also call these ladies, and they will sit and listen even as I share no words - only sob. They are the ones that don't always have the words to say but know the One that does and never fails to go to Him on my behalf. These four pray when they say they pray. I can also trust them with my deepest, most painful feelings, and I know they'll give good guidance and won't pretend to offer any advice not rooted in love. But, perhaps the greatest blessing I've received from these women (aside from prayer and encouragement) is the ability to speak truth to me. They will not allow me to pit-wallow without checking in to see what the latest cause might be. If unfounded, they will make sure the truths of God's word have been spoken into my life. They keep me accountable to His Word, and oh how I need that! Its so very easy in times of despair to not believe anything anymore, to settle into a "woe is me attitude"<br />
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These four are from four different stages of life - 3 married, 1 divorced; 1 grandmother, 2 with young pre-school aged children, 1 with children of all ages, 3 work outside the home, 1 works inside the home. The closest any of them live from me is about 35 minutes away. So, they are not just a hop, jump, and a skip away. We actually communicate most frequently by phone, email, Facebook, and texting. I've also known each of them for varying lengths of time - one for 21 years, another for 3 years, and the last two for a little over two years. Regardless of time, God has uniquely knit us together, and they are true sisters to me!<br />
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Friends, it is not good for us to be alone. Jesus, Himself, surrounded Himself with the 12 men that became His disciples. God never meant for us to be in relationship alone. He made us for relationship - 1st with Himself, and secondly with each other.<br />
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One of the things that's "haunted me" perhaps more than anything else about Chris' suicide is this very thing. Granted, he had a <em>small</em> group of friends. A few guys that he would like to fish and hunt with, a few at church he would joke around with, some at work that he would cut up with, but I know he didn't have a Core Four of his own. He didn't have a group that he could go to with alarming text messages simply saying "Help me!" (Yes - I've sent those at times.) And - he certainly never let me in on the deep burdens of his mind and heart that led to his final action. Could it have had a different outcome if he allowed himself to be surrounded by a "Core Four" of his own? Honestly, I'll never know the answer to that question.<br />
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I urge you, however. Allow yourself to immersed into a small body of close friends that can become your "Core". If you don't have that - ask God for it! He'll provide those people, because I KNOW that He wants that for you. Just open your eyes to see them around you, and open your heart to accept their friendship and love. Don't do this life alone. It's simply too hard.Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-89089023738623622262012-01-06T21:59:00.000-05:002012-01-06T21:59:04.251-05:00She Gets It! (More Than I Do!)During these 8 months of new widowhood, I've learned a lot - more than I ever carried to know, if truth be told.<br />
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I've learned that my emotions love to ride roller coasters. I've discovered that there is no true "pattern" to grief. I've figured out that the "<a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/05/one-week-ago-today.html">Leah before May 3/4</a>" is so different from the "Leah after May 3/4". I've realized that I don't always have to be the giver - it's okay to be on the receiving side sometimes.<br />
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But, that's where I've gotten hung up - quite a bit, actually. Friends, I've always been the independent one. I've had a lifetime's share of disappointments and heartaches (and that was BEFORE my husband's tragic <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">suicide </a>in May). As a result, I had developed a bit of a thick skin. Independence was my friend. I didn't need anyone or anything. I could take care of myself. And, then I met my precious Chris...<br />
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He changed me in so many good ways. He softened me. He cared for me. He loved me! It was wonderful to let somebody "take care of me" as he always did and wouldn't have it any other way. He was a servant, by nature. Not just with me but with everybody he met. He would give a complete stranger the shirt off his back in the middle of winter if needed. And, that servant heart of his translated well in our marriage.<br />
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When Chris <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">left this earth for our heavenly home</a> on May 4, 2011 - my world shattered! Completely. I was lost. I didn't know what to do. That independent woman of long ago was nowhere to be found. I depended on anybody that would make themselves available to me, and most especially I depended on God - the One that will NEVER leave me.<br />
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After awhile, however, that dependence became uncomfortable for me. I felt needy. I didn't want to come across that way to my friends and family. Yes. I needed people desperately, but I didn't want to ask for help. I guess I just wanted people to figure out what I needed without me having to tell them. That was unfair of me, I know. I just didn't know how to handle this new "temporarily needy me".<br />
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Several months ago, I had a conversation with a friend that left me a little unsettled. We discussed the scriptural mandate to care for orphans and widows. I shared that I felt people were more easily drawn to caring for orphans but didn't know what to do with widows. She asked me to explain further. I said that orphan awareness is THANKFULLY growing by and large more and more everyday (and happens to be a passion of mine as well), but I rarely hear about the widows part of the mandate. She then asked, "What would it look like to care for a widow...to you?" I tried to answer the question but fumbled over my words. Honestly, I didn't know how to answer it. I truly didn't even know what I needed at that moment.<br />
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And - that's just it! I can only speak for myself and my own journey. But, I honestly believe what I've needed most in these early months is for people to simply come alongside and be the hands and feet of Jesus to me in whatever ways He directs them. People that are closely involved in my life should be able to physically see what that might be. People that talk to me on a regular basis might even hear those needs uttered with my own lips at times (even when I'm not aware of it). For others - perfect strangers - it might take the nudging of the Holy Spirit. But, I honestly believe that learning the <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/">Love Language</a> of a widow and speaking that language to her is one of the most loving ways to be "Jesus with skin on" to her. Widowhood is exhausting! I've had so many people say, "just let me know if you need anything". While the sentiment is sincere...what I've needed most is somebody to "serve" in whatever way the Lord tells them, because I honestly don't know what I need sometimes. Don't wait on me to ask or share or give you an idea...it will probably never come. I'm simply too tired to even try and figure it out sometimes.<br />
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So, you can imagine my surprise, pure delight, and utter amazement when my girlie and I were abundantly blessed this Christmas by an anonymous <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/12/angels-among-us.html">Christmas Angel</a> (as I like to call him/her/them). It made our first Christmas without Chris much sweeter to have so much love poured out on us. Thank you God!<br />
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And then again...God blew me away yesterday when I received an email from a new blog and Twitter friend that I've never met. She lives clear across the country from me, in the state of Washington. She had an idea that she wanted to employ this year about <a href="http://www.youniquemom.blogspot.com/2012/01/paying-it-forward.html">Paying it Forward in 2012</a> and wanted my permission to bless my daughter and me with this idea. I was literally blown away. I cried and cried (happy tears). I was truly speechless at first and didn't even know how to begin to thank her for wanting to pour out such love and care on someone she's never met. That's all God. I know that full well! But, I also know something else...my new friend gets it! She understands how to care for and pour out love on a new, young widow (much more than I do actually). Thank you friend for being Jesus to Anna and me and for all that are coming alongside her to bless us with encouragement this year! I am praying that God blesses each of you...abundantly!Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-91433796562369484182012-01-05T06:00:00.001-05:002012-01-05T06:00:09.590-05:00Deeper In Love<div class="MsoNormal">You know the expression, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” For me, I’m finding that to be very true.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I had a hard day yesterday. (OK – I need to get real. I’ve had a hard several weeks.) Anyway, as I was thinking about <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/09/dear-chris.html">Chris </a>(like I do ALL the time), I suddenly realized that I’m more in love with him now than ever before. How can that be? </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Some would argue that I should be angry with him. Oh – trust me – I have been, but I’ve given that to the Lord, and I have forgiven him. Some would think the longer I go without seeing him, hearing his voice, feeling his touch that my heart would gravitate towards other things/people to fill the “void”. Sure. I guess that’s natural too. The most common things I hear sound something like this, “You’re young. You’re pretty. You have so much to offer someone. You have a lot of life left in you. You’ll find true love again.” Those are well-meaning words from truly wonderful people, but for now…I simply have no comment.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">All I know…right now…I’m more in love with my husband – my <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">deceased</a> husband – than I ever have been in my entire life. I love him more now than the day we married, and I never dreamed that would be possible. I truly don’t understand how this can be, but it is what it is. I think that’s why it hurts so badly. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I passionately love someone that can’t love me back. You can’t imagine (well, I know some of you can) how much that hurts. I truly ache inside from a heart that remains shattered.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yes, I’m learning how to take steps forward. I’m forcing myself to function in life again. I’m actually serving in ministry again, and I LOVE that! But, I’m still a broken-hearted woman, deeply mourning the love of her life!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5w_H5fzJfzIgPJ_b6cmu0DyJloP7ErwoZlU3bkbo2Euv4ZU94O2R5o8EDiPz5dJ4uYQPU0FihJKRjzqcxO0rbrnzZYMY7bY_bPQFJb5vNGEnih2i48uCycjQj3Fw9X8ABNL6myt1TEnyC/s1600/IMG_2498.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5w_H5fzJfzIgPJ_b6cmu0DyJloP7ErwoZlU3bkbo2Euv4ZU94O2R5o8EDiPz5dJ4uYQPU0FihJKRjzqcxO0rbrnzZYMY7bY_bPQFJb5vNGEnih2i48uCycjQj3Fw9X8ABNL6myt1TEnyC/s320/IMG_2498.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-65586403680203233702012-01-02T17:21:00.000-05:002012-01-02T17:21:25.940-05:00The AnswerI'm not sure where to start after my last <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/12/performance-living.html">post</a>. That was a painful one to write, but it came in the midst of a very painful season of my grief journey.<br />
<br />
One thing I've strived to do throughout this process is be as transparent as I feel safe in doing, because I want people to know what this feels like for three main reasons:<br />
<br />
(1) I want other women that have found themselves walking <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">Grief Road</a> as a widow to know that they're not alone...that God allows us to comfort each other with the comfort He also has given us. We are at varying phases of the journey, and our journeys are certainly not the same. Each Grief Road is like a snowflake, in my opinion. No two are the same, yet there are enough similarities that they are relatable.<br />
<br />
(2) In the case that someone reading this might have ever contemplated suicide, I pray the pain and the "after effects" of making such a final decision stay clearly in the front of their mind, causing that to never take place. I want hurting people to read my words or watch my <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-first-vlog.html">Vlogs </a>and see the pain it causes those left behind and maybe...just maybe...it will be enough to say "it's not worth it".<br />
<br />
(3) I pray that the body of Christ that hasn't ever been affected by death first-hand, or in a long time, learns how badly the population of widows needs you. The Lord, in His Word, is VERY clear about how much He cares for orphans and widows and the mandate He gives in caring for them. I am the first to admit, I was much happier to jump on the orphan advocacy "train" before colliding with the widow train head on. But, God never differentiated between the two saying one was more important to care for than the other. We've made that differentiation on our own. I hate to admit...I was in that group. So, I pray that my posts help to awaken a need...a deep need in the church. I have been blessed to be cared for by several in my church body quite well, but I know how easy it is to dismiss widows, in general.<br />
<br />
Even saying all of that, there is still much I don't share. It's too personal. It's too painful. I don't believe it will edify anybody if I write it on this format. And...so, I don't. The snippets of this journey that I share on this platform are just that...snippets. Oh, friends, there is so much more. So, very much more. In time, maybe God will allow me to share more.<br />
<br />
So, where am I now? Tomorrow marks eight months since my husband was first discovered as missing. Eight months since my living nightmare began. And, in eight months, I'm still deeply hurting, questioning, and aching. But, I've also seen Christ reach down and meet me where I'm at, pull me out of the mire, refresh my weary soul, and begin a process of restoration. A slow beginning, but a beginning nonetheless. And...so I let Him. I have been quieter than normal, because I'm listening a lot more.<br />
<br />
There are still many <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/firsts.html">firsts</a> ahead to embrace...my first birthday without him later this month (turning 40, on top of that), Valentine's Day, Easter, the first anniversary of his death, and those are just the major ones. But, I'm still trusting in God's greater plan through all of this.<br />
<br />
Just last weekend, I challenged Him with a question...one that I hadn't asked of the Lord before, but I finally did...<br />
<br />
<b>Lord, why didn't You stop him? You could have. I know You could have. Why did You let him take his own life? I know we have free will and all, but he loved You. You would have only had to whisper a word, and he would still be in my arms today. So, what is it Lord that kept that from happening? Why is he with You now instead of with me?</b><br />
<br />
The answer came...immediately...<br />
<br />
It was one of those moments I wish I could have back, because I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't been there. I was sitting in my recliner in the bedroom...SOBBING...crying out to the Lord...begging for answers. Right after asking the questions...a calming peace swept over me like I've never experienced. In. My. Life. Seriously! And then came the <u>inaudible </u>answer...<br />
<br />
<b><i>Because, I will be more glorified in his death than in his life. </i></b><br />
<br />
The sobbing stopped. Immediately. I was simply stunned, as I sat there. And, then I knew. He was right! He's always right! He's God! I pondered back to many other people that even predeceased Chris. Others that died too young or in ways that seemed unfair. And, each time God appears to have been way more glorified in their deaths.<br />
<br />
<b>May it be so, Lord! May it please be so!</b>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-91606042361895373352011-12-29T18:00:00.001-05:002011-12-29T18:00:01.794-05:00Performance LivingGoing through the motions. That’s what I’m doing these days. The motions…of simply living, that is. <br />
<br />
I wake. I perform my morning routine.<br />
I arrive at work. I perform my workday routine.<br />
I return home. I perform my evening routine.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, I just sit…performing my “nothingness routine”.<br />
<br />
As I pondered this last night, I began to think that, for me, going through the motions really means “performance living”.<br />
<br />
I’ve entered a new unfamiliar stage of this grief journey. Nearly 8 months into this, I find lots of discomfort in this new territory. I’ve experienced small fragments of time like this previously since my husband’s death, but nothing this consistent. I just don’t have the energy for true, purposeful living right now. Yes, I’m living day by day, obviously. But, I’ve discovered I’m really doing more “performing”. I’m like an actress, performing the role of Leah, the widow. There are certain tasks that must be performed everyday. I do them, but that’s it. That’s the extent of it.<br />
<br />
I don’t like this role, at all. I want to be cast in a new role…one with more pizzazz, more excitement, more joy! I have so much I want to share...so much I want to give back…so much life to live! But, I have no energy right now, so my desires translate into very little.<br />
<br />
I’m a fixer, a doer, a Type A perfectionist (yes, I admit it). But, right now, I feel lazy, unproductive, and somewhat “fake”. I feel like I see the shell of a woman I don’t recognize anymore. And, that translates into many areas of my life. I spent the first 5 months of 2011 losing weight in a healthy manner. After <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">Chris died</a>, I lost even more (just due to grieving). But, by August…food became my comfort again. Not good. At all. I don't recognize me anymore and am sickened by what I see in the mirror every single day.<br />
<br />
So, I’m struggling right now…with grief, with purpose, with self-esteem, and with trying to regain focus. I simply can’t stand this.<br />
<br />
Jesus came for more than this. <em>“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 NASB</em><br />
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<strong><em>Lord, I beg you. Show me how to live that abundant life. Give me renewed strength and energy. I want more than this performance living. I want all that You gave up for me on that cross over 2000 years ago. Help me, Lord!</em></strong>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-69256266092012516212011-12-27T09:17:00.000-05:002011-12-27T09:17:10.918-05:00The Grief MarathonSometimes I think running a marathon would be easier.<br />
<br />
Before setting out on the 26.2 mile race, one hopefully trains extensively...body and mind. The big day comes, and if well-trained, the race is no doubt difficult, but possible! Just when you think you can't run another step, you see the sign along the path that says 14 miles! You've done it...you've run over half the journey! You're in the last part now. You can do this!<br />
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Somewhere around mile 22, your body wants to cave again. You begin the self-talk, "You're almost there. Four more miles." But, even with every optimistic word you share with yourself, your body wants to cave...until...<br />
<br />
You pass a crowd of cheering onlookers. Strangers...urging you on, clapping loudly, screaming shouts of encouragement. It's just what you needed, you press forward and four miles later...you collapse with tears of joy! You did it! You completed the 26.2 mile race! It may have been the hardest, most grueling thing your body's ever endured, but you did it! It's over! Let the celebration begin!<br />
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And such is my grief "race" on many levels.<br />
<br />
I'm racing through each grief mile...some quite successfully...others find me barely hanging on. And...then I see the "signpost" showing me how far I've come, and I start to think "I can do this...I can do this...".<br />
<br />
I continue to run; even walk sometimes. The grief miles become even more difficult this time. My body is so exhausted from the long endurance of this "race". Suddenly, a crowd of onlookers start to cheer me on. I hear the applause, the words of encouragement, the whistles, and the shouts of praise. It's just enough to get me through the next set of miles.<br />
<br />
And yet, there are two distinct differences I've discovered on my grief marathon that don't exist in a regular race. In my case, there was no preparation...no training of mind or body. I just suddenly found myself on the racetrack, and the whistle suddenly blew, signaling the start...whether I was ready or not.<br />
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But, the biggest difference? It doesn't have a definitive end. There aren't just 26.2 miles of grief to endure. There is no celebratory finish line. Will it get easier? Yes - I trust that it will, in time. But, as for ending...I'm not sure that will ever happen. So, for me, I have to adjust...to learn how to cope on this lengthy race that I was not prepared for even remotely. But, right now...I'm just soooo tired.Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-6119256842651122972011-12-22T18:20:00.000-05:002011-12-22T18:20:01.786-05:00I'm Trying So Hard<div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRsuWF9Zomi8s45c59PbIs2YahfcQM1gkEL5S0BXl4R9YZ9rMI3iNRCsih1m3IEzfy0SfHsJjtNBhB5kD1XqmVuyKcUKT51N6MISdAmkEDhUsycirw0R71JzB1L_zHtYGCJPEQ6MDjo7Dz/s1600/Christmas+2010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRsuWF9Zomi8s45c59PbIs2YahfcQM1gkEL5S0BXl4R9YZ9rMI3iNRCsih1m3IEzfy0SfHsJjtNBhB5kD1XqmVuyKcUKT51N6MISdAmkEDhUsycirw0R71JzB1L_zHtYGCJPEQ6MDjo7Dz/s200/Christmas+2010.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>I’m trying so hard. I’ve never fought the tears back as much as I have this week. I don’t want to cry. I really, really don’t. I’ve cried enough tears to start a new lake in the last 7 ½ months. Why can’t this week just be different?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This week we celebrate the greatest gift that has ever been given (or ever will be) to mankind…the birth of the Messiah! My Jesus! That alone should give cause for jubilant celebration, a bigger-than-life smile, and euphoric joy of the eternity that’s yet to come for all believers!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But, for me…grief is trying to win out. And, I’m trying just as hard not to let it! Grief doesn’t win in the end. God does! Because, in Heaven, there will be no more tears, mourning, or sadness. But, this isn’t Heaven. I’m not Home yet.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Instead, my Chris is already <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">Home</a>, and I’m here…missing him terribly. Listening to the thunderstorm outside isn’t helping things either. I just want to lay my head in his lap and sob until the tears won’t come anymore. I just want to feel his large hand rubbing my back and moving my hair out of my eyes like he used to do so tenderly. I just want him to tell me it will all be okay. But, I know I can only dream of such things.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I feel guilty for even feeling like I do at times. People have gone out of their way to make this first Christmas without him so very, very special for Anna and me. And, it is. I know it would be so much harder without all the love that’s being poured out upon us so abundantly. For that, I am thankful beyond words. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>I think that’s part of the reason I’m trying so hard, but I think I might be losing the battle this evening. The tears continue to leak out whether I want them to or not. </div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-82437135567871979612011-12-20T16:41:00.000-05:002011-12-20T16:41:07.475-05:00Immanuel - God With ME!<div class="MsoNormal">Happy Tuesday blog friends!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If you happened to stop by after reading <a href="http://www.pinkdaisyjane.com/2011/12/preparing-for-joy-as-young-widow.html">my post on A Pinkdaisy Life</a>, welcome! So glad to have you join me here as well! </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I honestly can’t believe it’s here. December 20, that is. Five days until Jesus’ birthday! I really want to throw Him a grand party after all He’s done for me! But, this year might be a little subdued. I’m still deeply hurting in my new role as a 39-year-old widow. And yet…my Savior understands that too.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Even so, He’s been so good to me this year.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Even with such great loss, my Jesus has been by my side every step of the way.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Even with the magnitude of tears I’ve cried, He’s caught each and every single one.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Even with the agonizing screams of grief, He’s never wearied of hearing my pain.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Even with an ungrateful spirit at times, He cradles me in His warm embrace.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Even with question after question after question, He continues to listen.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Even with my <strike>broken </strike>shattered heart, He’s still mending and healing me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And so…in my continued preparations for this first Christmas without my precious husband, I rejoice in who Christ is…Immanuel…God with us…God with you...God with ME!</div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-27974443701884861942011-12-19T06:00:00.001-05:002011-12-19T06:00:01.982-05:00Angels Among UsSeveral days ago, God began blessing my daughter and me through a most unexpected, yet very generous & simply unbelievable, way.<br />
<br />
Last Wednesday, December 14, we were greeted with a beautiful basket containing candy, ornaments, and other amazing goodies and a card that contained the following excerpt...<br />
<br />
<i>"Dear Leah and Anna,</i><br />
<i>This is the beginning of your 12 Days of Christmas! Consider all these gifts, as they have come from the lavish love of Jesus. You both are in His thoughts continuously and also in the thoughts and prayers of many of the saints. You are both loved beyond measure. </i><i>I know that this Christmas will be remembered as the 1st one without Chris...but also remember it as the Christmas season that prayers, grace and gifts were lavished on you both!"</i><br />
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The note continued to say that we should check our porch each morning from now through December 25!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCRtJa_-eYAZ_-6S1mYhgkt6MbfLlsVbCcz79uHKERfnhocU5E52ERWDBIF8L4jB-_15APcHfl5a8_IcBjnlczblDhQJba7cPjeU2anL-JCTI444CJSUQ1YsK4NhR8DXenuHXuC3KgBj9Y/s1600/IMG_4806.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCRtJa_-eYAZ_-6S1mYhgkt6MbfLlsVbCcz79uHKERfnhocU5E52ERWDBIF8L4jB-_15APcHfl5a8_IcBjnlczblDhQJba7cPjeU2anL-JCTI444CJSUQ1YsK4NhR8DXenuHXuC3KgBj9Y/s320/IMG_4806.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Blog friends, I'm struggling to even type this post, because the tears are literally pouring out of my eyes right now. The very Sunday before all this began, I asked the ladies in the Sunday School class I teach to share their most memorable Christmas gift ever received (aside from Christ's gift of salvation). Little did I realize that my most memorable gift was coming later that week.<br />
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This has literally blown my mind.<br />
<br />
Not because the gifts are so amazing (even though they are).<br />
Not because it's created a sense of sweet excitement in our home this first Christmas without my amazing husband (even though it has, and the excitement is helping us cope).<br />
Not because I think I deserve any of this (because I know I most definitely do not).<br />
<br />
It's blowing my mind, because I feel extremely loved right now. Extremely loved. When life is most difficult (as it has been these last 7 1/2 months since Chris' death), knowing you are loved isn't enough. You need to feel it...see it...taste it...touch it...hear it. Friends, I have done just that!<br />
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I have no idea the identify of these Christmas Angels among us. Just when I think I've figured it out, I'm thrown a little off track again. I need to quit trying to figure it out...I know...I know.<br />
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I simply pray that this is blessing my gift-givers as much as it is Anna and me. I pray that the Lord bestows immense blessing and favor on each hand that was involved in this. And...to my Christmas angels (I pray you're reading this)...you will never fully know the depth of this blessing! You have made this widow's heart sing (Job 29:13b NIV).<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsF6P9htuz56wvXqddAkuOshjPYuBi4mRo-nSw9_b3pqPg9zbPPBcXWUW7ymbocya5ZPygxu3e-xge4AFS_TCCs-WtcRZLjmsyW1dQQCoWrmzNc-G865wIE1OA_QhiPsKMRLB0yUWLhdBM/s1600/IMG_5030.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsF6P9htuz56wvXqddAkuOshjPYuBi4mRo-nSw9_b3pqPg9zbPPBcXWUW7ymbocya5ZPygxu3e-xge4AFS_TCCs-WtcRZLjmsyW1dQQCoWrmzNc-G865wIE1OA_QhiPsKMRLB0yUWLhdBM/s320/IMG_5030.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-46752379428589411122011-12-14T23:27:00.000-05:002011-12-14T23:27:56.872-05:00I Don't Know Why...I really can't think of any reason why God continues to bless me like He does. There are so many other people that deserve blessing far more than I do.<br />
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There are women experiencing their first Christmas as a widow and are even more lonely than myself.<br />
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There are so many unemployed moms and dads this Christmas, praying like crazy that someone...anyone will provide Christmas for their little ones.<br />
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There are Christian brothers and sisters across this continent being persecuted for worshiping the same Jesus whose birth we so openly celebrate in the United States.<br />
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There are disabled veterans that continue to be plagued by the harsh indifference they receive from their "fellow" Americans day in and day out.<br />
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There are still orphans praying for a mommy and/or daddy.<br />
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There are loved ones, in the care of Hospice or family members, anticipating their last breaths.<br />
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There are homeless men, women, and children that just crave a roof over their heads.<br />
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There are still infertile couples that would give anything to see the pregnancy test declare "positive" this year.<br />
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There are hurting moms and dads praying their prodigal son or daughter would choose this Christmas to come home.<br />
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There are drug addicts and alcoholics that would give anything to be clean and sober...forever...but are waiting on that miracle to get them there.<br />
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There are victims of cancer, still waiting to hear the word "remission".<br />
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So, why me? Why does God continue to bless undeserving me?<br />
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Honestly...I think it's for the same reason He gave His life for me 2000 years ago. His love for you, for me, and for those yet to come is already 100% complete. There is nothing we can do or not do to make Him love us any less or anymore. We just have to say "yes" and "thank you" to that love!<br />
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In the same way, I choose to say "yes" and "thank you" to His blessings. Some days, His blessings are obvious and enormous. Some days, they are much harder to see.<br />
<br />
I don't know why He chose me, and I don't know why He continues to bless me so much, but I'm eternally grateful that He did then and that He still does now!<br />
<br />
<i><b>I love you, Lord Jesus!</b></i>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-71649376896797038112011-12-12T17:19:00.000-05:002011-12-12T17:19:14.066-05:00Best Laid PlansWell...well...well...you know what they say about "best laid plans"? My intentions of blogging Monday through Friday have, well...let's just say been challenged a bit this past week.<div><br />
</div><div>I faced another grief tidal wave last week. Now, 7+ months into this new life as a <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">widow</a>, I still struggle to know how to battle those giant, pounding mounds of grief water that tend to shatter me...for a day, or two, or three... I've learned enough about grief to know that there is no "magic" formula to its ending, there is no timetable to follow, and honestly - there is no end to it.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Yes, there will be an end to some parts of this journey, but memories of my precious husband will never, ever leave me. <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/06/s-word.html">God gave me such a gift in him and in our marriage</a>! I was blessed indeed, and for that I will continue to give thanks and yet grieve that which I no longer have until the day God calls me to the land of Glory!</div><div><br />
</div><div>Just as the tidal wave started to pass, a new wave arrived! This time - one of physical sickness. Within three hours, I went from laughing with the sweet ladies I teach every Sunday morning, while we enjoyed our Christmas potluck luncheon...</div><div><br />
</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2o3cJzbGsAihqkTUnuh3XvVqAwpw_4w_JBy_wncoMINDoMjyOm8jGRycNay4p6-2lFZIYNJFbusnq1S4kyPICY0_tm4Jp9j7vGo0xezcmj_E452cvDV1pdRSlEY8zqmrzIEbSUCZRT0jN/s1600/IMG_4726.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2o3cJzbGsAihqkTUnuh3XvVqAwpw_4w_JBy_wncoMINDoMjyOm8jGRycNay4p6-2lFZIYNJFbusnq1S4kyPICY0_tm4Jp9j7vGo0xezcmj_E452cvDV1pdRSlEY8zqmrzIEbSUCZRT0jN/s320/IMG_4726.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Connect Group Christmas Potluck Luncheon & Ornament Exchange</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div>to feeling like this...</div><div><br />
</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB6X7Rhw7EHys5OnrV2KUi3GeugvvIVP6GsYIvvT4ktIoxgms_xBRirlRiF2ymrtcJPVRaoubsv8WsHHDA2vz-YT9TWxG7yZlGb-P5edsTOxnl5vpD4dvzUEEJkyVtlVhz2hIzufzl0Udf/s1600/Sick+lady.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB6X7Rhw7EHys5OnrV2KUi3GeugvvIVP6GsYIvvT4ktIoxgms_xBRirlRiF2ymrtcJPVRaoubsv8WsHHDA2vz-YT9TWxG7yZlGb-P5edsTOxnl5vpD4dvzUEEJkyVtlVhz2hIzufzl0Udf/s200/Sick+lady.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No - this isn't me. My picture would look much worse!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I've literally been rendered pretty helpless right now. Fever, body aches, chills, headache, upset stomach, nausea, you name it...it seems to have temporarily taken over my body. My plans of having a productive Sunday afternoon and evening yesterday abruptly changed.<div><br />
</div><div>We have company coming this weekend, and I still have cleaning to do, grocery shopping that needs to be tackled, Christmas shopping to do, and the list goes on... But, interestingly enough, I can't do any of it now, because my body won't let me. I've slept about 19 of the last 24 hours, and even that doesn't seem to be enough. So, for now, I succumb to this "bug" that seems to have invaded my space. And, I pray that it leaves QUICKLY!!!</div><div><br />
</div><div>Interestingly enough, this reminds me of another time - the first week of May, 2011. Life was busy, as usual, and I was puttering along through it as I always do until I realized my husband was <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/11/tuesday.html">missing </a>and then later <a href="http://panthersandpetals4him.blogspot.com/2011/11/wednesday.html">gone</a>. Quite abruptly, my "plans" changed, and nothing else seemed to matter except trying to cope and exist through those first days and weeks of widowhood. </div><div><br />
</div><div>A "planner" by nature, God has really had to work on me in that area. It's so easy for me to have everything all mapped out and then when something doesn't go as planned, I unravel a bit. But, as only God could ordain, part of that planner in me has also changed. I'm still very much Type A, but I've learned that my best laid plans can be snuffed out at a moment's notice. And so...I have to leave my plans in His hands! His plans for me are the best anyway (no matter how crazy that may appear at times). Therefore, I lay even my plans at His altar, as my act of worship this day!</div><div><br />
</div><div><i>Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it's the LORD's purpose that prevails. ~Proverbs 19:21</i></div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-5121988540623055202011-12-07T21:17:00.000-05:002011-12-07T21:17:58.761-05:0031 WeeksWhat does it mean to survive the first 31 weeks of widowhood? Today marks that day for me, and I can assure you that my answer today is different than it would have been at 30 weeks (and probably different than it will be at 32 weeks). Before I go further...I need to offer up a little disclaimer...<br />
<br />
<em>Today's post does not, in any conceivable way, diminish the healing work that God is doing in me. Please hear me on that! I love Him more today than ever before, and I owe Him everything! Everything! He is with me on this journey. He is truly Immanuel to me (God With Us, as that name literally means). He is cradling me in the palm of His hand. He is catching every tear I cry. He loves me with an unconditional love. He will not leave me stranded on Grief Road - not even for a second.</em><br />
<br />
With that said, today stinks! I hurt. I ache. Another tidal wave ensues. Tears are pouring. The grief is so thick today, mainly this evening.<br />
<br />
I am so, so sad! I know I will see Chris again in Glory, but I want to see him now!!!!! I don't want to travel the next two and half weeks until Christmas without him. And, I am already dreading waking up Christmas morning this year as a widow...without my precious man by my side.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, I don't know how to do this. So, I don't. I let God do it for me along with all of my prayer warriors. I am sapped of strenth. This feels like the early days all over again. I don't want to make decisions. I can't make decisions. I have no energy. I don't want to do anything. I don't even feel like writing this post. But, I'm doing it anyway, because I'm waiting on my daughter to get ready for bed. Otherwise, I'd already be there.<br />
<br />
I am so thankful to have Christmas to celebrate, but I'm so tired of the pain that goes with it this year. I feel like screaming from the rooftops, "I'm hurting here!!!!!!!!!!!" But, that's a selfish response. I don't want to be selfish. This life isn't about me.<br />
<br />
So many mixed up thoughts. I'm exhausted from thinking. I'm all "thunked" out!<br />
<br />
The tidal wave is winning tonight. Thankfully, I know the One that ultimately wins in the end!Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-72515188489277360012011-12-06T22:12:00.000-05:002011-12-06T22:12:37.239-05:00I See You...I Miss You<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I see you everywhere.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you in pictures all over the house. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you in ornaments hanging on the tree. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you in the deer that leap across my path in the early evening hours or the wee hours of the morning. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you on the couch sitting beside me as we watch our favorite Christmas movies together. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you in the kitchen whipping up batches of yummy goodies.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you in your sister’s crystal blue eyes – your eyes. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you in “our spot” in church sitting right beside me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you in the bathroom using your sink to get ready in the mornings.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you decorating a gingerbread house with Anna like you do every December.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you kissing me goodbye as you leave for work each morning.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you putting out the trash every Monday night.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you helping your mother hang a new light fixture.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you giving announcements in our Connect Group.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you baking cookies to take to the Christmas program outreach night at church.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you saying “I do” to me with a smile on your face, quivering voice, and tears forming in your eyes.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">-I see you in the memories that continually flood my mind.</span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And yet…I don’t see you at all. I miss you Chris…from the depths of my being …I miss you!</span></div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-27961711006630936182011-12-05T07:30:00.001-05:002011-12-05T07:30:01.194-05:00Jesus Loves Me This I Know<div class="MsoNormal">If you hopped over here from my post on <a href="http://www.awidowsmight.org/">A Widow’s Might</a> today – thank you! I’m so glad you decided to stop by this little corner of my world.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was completely honored when LeAnn Rice asked me to join her small team of bloggers on <a href="http://www.awidowsmight.org/">A Widow’s Might</a>. I had no idea that God had this in store for me 7 months ago, but LeAnn did, as He whispered my name to her the very day Chris died (and, we had never met at that point and only barely knew of each other). </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I remember so clearly the day LeAnn asked me to pray about joining her blog team. She shared the story of how she’d been praying for quite awhile for someone else to join the team but wanted God to lead her to that person. She knew it was me on the day Chris died, and she thought I would think she was crazy for sharing that with me. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Crazy? Not in the least! I’ve learned to listen closely for that still small voice of His. There have been many times that the Lord has revealed something to my heart that seems completely insane. But, when I act upon it, in obedience to whatever He reveals, it always reveals His Glory!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">That’s what we’re here for anyway…right? To Glorify Him!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This life isn’t about me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s not about my grief experience.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s not about my faith (or lack thereof, at times).</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Life doesn’t care how many blog followers I have or how many comments I receive (even though, I have to admit it makes me smile). </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This life isn’t here for me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But God…my sweet Lord…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">God has allowed me to be here…at this time…in the history of the world He created…for one purpose…to Glorify Him!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I try to do so daily. And, I know that I mess that up more times than I care to admit. But, I still live to Glorify Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I want to Glorify Him most especially with “my story”. I’ve said it so many times before, but He’s given me a story to steward. And, I want to steward it well. He’s been writing my story for nearly 40 years, and He’s woven all over it. And, others need to hear about what He’s woven in me. And so I share…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Some might argue I share too much. Others might say that I don’t share enough. It doesn’t matter what others say anyway. It only matters what He says! </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And so today…I shared more of that story on <a href="http://www.awidowsmight.org/">A Widow’s Might</a>. Friends, God has been carrying me every single day of these last 7 months + 1 day. Every single day. There is absolutely no way I could have made it this far without Him. No way. I know that much about myself. But, one thing I know for certain…Jesus Loves Me This I Know! </div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-55136274721711443182011-12-03T20:31:00.000-05:002011-12-03T20:31:03.724-05:00Even So I Still Say...<div class="MsoNormal">I had another <a href="http://www.cantcookalick.blogspot.com/">single mom friend</a> of mine and her daughter over for a “slumber party” last night! We had it all planned out. We attended a Christmas show at our church (that my Anna is in this year) and then we came back home…lit up all the trees and decorations, and ate a bunch of fun food. That’s what you’re supposed to do at slumber parties…right? Then, we decided that we’d play with the Wii and do a little “Just Dance” for some laughs. The problem? The Wii is suddenly broken.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In my mind, I’m thinking…<i>seriously? Now, Lord? I know it’s just a “thing”…but, it does bring us laughter and enjoyment, and it’s not easily replaced. Really? <o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But, with my mouth…I simply said, “No big deal. I’ll fix it later. Let’s watch a movie instead.” So, out came Alvin & the Chipmunks on DVD. (Later came too…I tried to fix the Wii…it’s still broken…my daughter and I are a little heartbroken.)</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This morning, we slept in a little and then got up and spent time slowly getting started for the day. We later ventured out for some window shopping and girl’s lunch out. Three out of the four of us woke up not feeling so hot. So, our lunch out wasn’t quite as entertaining as it could have been. But, surely ice cream would do the trick. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">A trip to Cold Stone was our next stop. It hit the spot for me and helped my scratchy throat, but I still had that silly broken Wii in the back of my mind.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We all came back to the house, took naps, and then Anna headed back to the church for two more performances of the Christmas production. In the meantime, we had another surprise brief visit from an out-of-town friend. We enjoy coffee and chat time together, but it was soon time for our girl’s adventure to end.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We said goodbye to <a href="http://www.encouragementcafe.com/">LuAnn </a>and thanked her for popping by. <a href="http://www.cantcookalick.blogspot.com/">Carol</a> and Ella also got ready to head home. Safely back in their car, ready to take off – the car decided it didn’t want to start. After a couple more tries, we determined it must be a dead battery. Here we were – two women trying to figure out how to jump off a car. We had a little help over the phone from Carol’s dad. And, we successfully got the car to crank.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Off they went…I waved goodbye and headed back into the house to work on the Wii again. It was no use. It’s dead with a game disc stuck inside. I didn’t know what to do. I just kept thinking – now would be a good time for a meltdown, Lord. But, He wouldn’t let me have one. Instead, I just grew more bitter and the “not fairs” started to roll off my tongue. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s not fair that Carol and I had to stand outside and try to figure out how to jump off a car.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s not fair that the Wii is broken, and I can’t seem to fix it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s not fair that the husbands in our lives are no longer with us, and we are “stuck” playing both roles more often than we like.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s not fair that the Christmas season is here, and we feel lonely again.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s not fair…blah, blah, blah. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I just had to whine a little. Sometimes, that’s all I can do.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Finally, I decided to cuddle up in my chair with my Bible on my lap and read. God’s Word never returns void. Never. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Please give me something tonight Lord. Please. I’m empty, and I need to feel your Presence. I need to get over this bad attitude. Please help me!<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And He gave me this…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><i>“Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.” ~Psalm 90:2<o:p></o:p></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">That’s it! God is God…from everlasting to everlasting. The same God that brought forth the earth and all the world out of nothingness…the same God that created me…the same God that continues to reach for me and rescue me from the depths of deep grief waters is the same God that can take care of a broken Wii and dead car battery (and a broken wireless router that also died this week).</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Who am I to ever doubt Him? I guess I just get weary of “doing hard” sometimes. But even so, I still say…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Blessed be the name of the Lord!</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2838326545586391525.post-11449470158230219712011-11-30T22:23:00.000-05:002011-11-30T22:23:10.296-05:00I'm ScaredGenerally, I'm about as fearless as they come. There is very little I'm afraid of, and I have quite the adventurous spirit - making me a bit of a "daredevil" at times. I'm just wired that way, and it's certainly made for interesting experiences in life (with hopefully many more to come).<br />
<br />
However, I have to admit something. I'm scared. I'm actually scared...of grief.<br />
<br />
You're probably thinking...why now? After nearly 7 months as a widow, she's just now figuring out she's scared of grief? What's to be scared of? She's already survived 7 months.<br />
<br />
Actually, I've been scared of it all along. I'm just admitting it now. It's really hard to explain, and I've been trying to sort out my feelings over this, hence the blog post about it. Like everything else along this journey, I find it makes more sense to me (even if to nobody else) if I write about it. So, here I am...<br />
<br />
Honestly, I'm scared of the unknowns of grief. I'm scared of the peaks and valleys. I'm scared of the waves that come out of nowhere and try to "carry me out to sea". I'm scared of losing control over my emotions (it's happened a couple of times already) - especially in places not conducive to such an "event". I'm scared of people getting tired of my grieving, thereby losing my support system. I'm scared of forgetting something important (my mind is still very muddled these days). I'm scared of not having a shoulder to cry on when I need it most. I'm just plain scared.<br />
<br />
I know the "Christianese" responses to the above. I know what the Bible says about fear. I especially know the part about there being no fear in love, and God's love casts out fear. I know that I need to just leave this at the Lord's throne for Him to deal with. I know all of these things, but right now...knowing them and living them out are two entirely different things.<br />
<br />
Entering this season of Advent and Christmas is very emotional for me. Very, very emotional. This makes my grief fears all the more prevalent. I don't know all the answers for what this next month holds, but I know the One that does. I'm desperately clinging to Him now. I don't want to be scared anymore.Leah Stirewalthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16177118020035176209noreply@blogger.com8