Panthers and Petals 4 Him

The Birthday Project - 40 Random Acts of Kindness

2012-02-01T19:37:00.001-05:00

What began as somewhat of a challenge, turned into one of the most amazing projects I've ever undertaken. And, I was blessed beyond words.

After reading about my friend Amber's Birthday Project, I knew I wanted to do the same thing. Amber spent her 31st birthday doing 31 random acts of kindness (RAOKs) for people. I loved that idea! However, I knew there would be no way that I could do 40 random acts of kindness on my 40th birthday last month (1/21). But, I was willing to still do the 40 RAOKs - I just needed to spread them out over several days.

And so I began my own Birthday Project - on January 10. And, I just completed it yesterday! Friends, it was amazing! There's something to be said about finding healing when you spend time focused on others. The 22 days that I spent doing RAOKs were some of the happiest days of my grief journey, to date. And, I don't think that was "by chance". Now, don't get me wrong. Going through the process of grieving is VERY important, and I'm not trying to cover it up or take my mind off of it by doing for others. Simply put, I was just so filled with joy in doing for others that the darkest emotions of grief were unable to get through on those days. It was truly amazing!

And so, without further ado...here's my list:

1. I sent flowers to a new She Speaks friend for her 32^nd birthday. She lives in Nashville and is a single lady, and I knew she wouldn’t have a boyfriend or hubby bringing her flowers on her special day. As a widow, I know how lonely that can feel at times, so I chose to bless her in that way.
2. I put a box of M&Ms along with a thank you note in our mailbox one morning to surprise our mail carrier!

3.       Gave a $25 Walmart gift card to a complete stranger while in Walmart shopping one day. I think I scared her at first – she thought it was too good to be true.
4.       I gave a $10 Walmart gift card to a lady working the window at one of our local McDonald’s after I paid for iced tea. I’ll never forget that grin on her face. Priceless!
5.       Sent flowers to a new friend of mine – also a widow – that lives in Arizona “just because”.

6.       Drove to another town 2 hours away to meet with another grieving woman affected by suicide in the loss of her brother right before Christmas.
7.       Put $1.00 bills with notes inside seven random books at a local used bookstore.
8.       Surprised a co-worker by completing one of her job responsibilities for her one morning.
9.       Delivered a book full of inspirational stories to help a co-worker during some difficult days.
10.   Surprised another co-worker with her favorite snack – peach rings – and left them on her desk chair one day!
11.   Gave a $10 Walmart gift card to another McDonald’s worker in a different part of town this time. Her whole demeanor changed upon receiving it. I loved watching that transformation!
12.   Gave $5 giftcards for a local café to the grumpiest Pharmacy Technician at my local drugstore. The “grumpy” seemed to roll right off of her after receiving that small surprise.
13.   Gave a final $10 Walmart gift card to a third McDonald’s employee while at the drive-thru window.
14.   Folded my daughter’s laundry for her. (She’s been doing her laundry since the summer of 2010, so this was a HUGE deal for her to find I had already done it for her.)
15.   Took flowers to a neighbor and left them on their front porch with a note that simply said “to brighten your day”.
16.   Delivered a baby gift to the hospital where I was born (20 minutes away from where I currently live) the night before my birthday. It was a non-gender specific gift, so the hospital staff was asked to give it to a baby born on my birthday along with a note that I had written explaining I had been born in that very hospital 40 years ago.
17.   Left a silk flower on each of my female co-workers’ desks with a note saying, “You are special!”
18.   Left a generous tip (almost the cost of the bill) after eating at my favorite Mexican restaurant. I decided to do this ahead of time – regardless of the level of service.
19.   Left quarters in the candy/toy vending machines at a local mall for children to discover later.
20.   Sent a “thinking about you card” to a grieving widow I’ve never met.
21.   Sent a card to a woman that’s been visiting our church who has experienced severe loss in her life over the last two years.
22.   Sent an Edible Arrangements display to the ladies at in the office at one of my favorite ministries.
23.   Sent a note of encouragement to a woman going through breast cancer treatment.
24.   Prayed for each person I saw on the road, as I traveled to work one morning (i.e. people waiting on the city bus, walking, homeless).
25.   Created 2 treasure boxes and delivered them to a playground to be discovered by playing children. Each contained large plastic gold coins and a real $1.00 bill along with a note from me.
26.   Made up two activity bags (1 for a boy and 1 for a girl) to bless a couple of sick children in the pediatric until of our local hospital. Dropped them off and instructed the nursing staff to give them to two children they felt could benefit most from them.
27.   Taped a $1 bill with a note on a drink vending machine saying, “Enjoy a drink on me and keep the change!”
28.   While checking out at our local Walgreen’s, I found myself behind a little girl buying a stuffed Valentine bear for her grandmother. She was $0.12 short, so I gave her the $0.12. Easy but so fun to do – especially when she grinned!
29.   Paid for breakfast for the car behind me at Chick-fil-A one morning.
30.   Gave away a prize on my blog for someone that participated in my Random Acts of Kindness (RAOK) Birthday Project. The prize consisted of a Daily Prayer Organizer, 2 journals (one to keep, one to give away), a box of notecards, and 2 $5 Starbucks gift cards (one to keep, one to give away).

31.   Secretively paid for a haircut for a single mom and her son.
32.   Helped another co-worker on a different day with her job responsibilities to lighten her load.
33.   Donated makeup to a local women’s shelter.
34.   Donated money to the Ronald McDonald House.
35.   Sent money to a missionary.
36.   Sent a book and note of encouragement to a woman grieving the recent loss of her brother.
37.   Pushed grocery carts from the parking lot into my local grocery store before I started my shopping one night.
38.   Bought lunch for a friend.
39.   Took doughnuts to my local bank to say “thank you” for what you do.
40.   Wrote a note to one of my doctors thanking him for his excellent service and taking time to always make me feel as if I’m his only patient for the day. Also shared that I pray for him and his staff routinely.

The Hole

2012-01-29T20:13:00.000-05:00

It was just a small hole. About the size of the eye of a needle, perhaps smaller. And yet…when I laid my eyes upon it for the first time…I cried, well sobbed actually. I was simply going about the busy-ness of my day, doing my “normal” things, which typically includes making my bed. It was then, I saw it. The miniature hole in my sheets, and the tears began to flow.

No. Holes in sheets don’t normally make me cry. They’re just sheets. Sheets wear out over time. But, these aren’t just any sheets. These are the sheets that I slept under with my husband on his last night on this earth. While I have other sheets, they are the ones that I find I keep washing and remaking my bed with, because they are so near and dear to me. I even accidentally got bleach on the pillowcases, but I didn’t care. I continued putting them on my bed, and I still sleep in them every single night.

I tried to sleep in other sheets for awhile, but I went right back to these, and it’s been that way ever since. But, then I saw the hole. While it’s very small now, it will grow. It’s a sign of the wear and tear taking its toll on these sheets. Eventually, I’ll have to throw them away. How long do I left with my sheets? Who knows? And…that’s not really the point anyway. For me, it’s just another piece of my life with Chris drifting away (or as I really feel, if truth be told – being “stolen” from me – but, that’s another blog post).

I know it’s just a hole in my sheets, but today I’m very sad about it. A bit on the distraught side actually. You may be thinking, “all because of a silly little HOLE??” Yes – all because of a silly stinkin’ hole! I guess I’m just trying to hang onto the last bits and pieces of him that I have left.

And so…today…I shed many tears over a miniscule hole. And the grief continues…

The Big 4-0!

2012-01-25T12:00:00.001-05:00

I’ve always said that it’s hard to surprise me. I guess it’s that little investigative personality quirk of mine. I’m always trying to figure everything out. That’s generally not a good thing, unless I’m working on a brain teaser or something else that requires problem-solving techniques. Then, I’m your girl.

However, I have to admit – I’ve been surprised A LOT in the last week. Wonderful surprises, thankfully!

We just finished up “birthday weekend in our house”. I turned the big 4-0 last Saturday, and my daughter turned 15 on Monday (two days ago). I had mixed feelings about leaving my thirties and entering this new decade of numbers.

On the one hand, my thirties were filled with tragedy, ending with the worst one to date with my husband’s death last May. So, for my forties represent an opportunity for renewed hope and prayerfully God-given restoration. But, the forties represent aging…dreams unfulfilled…and for me, as recently as last week, a temporary decline in health. Then again – with each day I live – I’m one day closer to Heaven! I long to be Home but not one day earlier than God calls me.

But, there was another part of turning 40 that simply…well…bothered me. I met my husband when he was 42, so I wasn’t around to help him celebrate his 40th birthday. But, I’ve heard stories of that day several times. In short, he was living in Florida – had just moved there actually. He really didn’t know anyone that well yet, and he was alone. He treated himself to dinner at the local Outback, and he and the wait staff celebrated his birthday. He laughed it off a lot, but I also remember him saying over and over that my 40th birthday would not be lonely like that – he would make sure of it.

So, you can imagine when my brain actually had a moment to wrap my mind around the fact that my husband left me in this world before my 40th birthday – I was actually very hurt (and if I’m being honest, a little angry at first too). I couldn’t believe he would do to me the very thing that he vowed to not let happen…spend my 40th birthday alone. But, I know that I know that I know…he wasn’t in his right mind on May 3-4, 2011. He never would have intentionally done that.

Well, I definitely wasn’t alone. Not even close. The celebrations actually began last Thursday (the 19th) when my co-workers surprised me with an “Over the Hill” party full of gag gifts, food, fun, and love! I laughed….a lot…that morning!

My oldest friend (not in age), Kandi, came up Friday night to help me celebrate on Saturday. Little did I know what she had up her sleeve. She told me she “had something planned that she wanted to do”, but I never dreamed it would include all of this…

1) Breakfast at Cracker Barrel with Kandi

2) Pampering with a manicure and pedicure with Kandi, Rebecca, and Carol

3) Dinner at Travinia with Kandi, Rebecca, and Carol

4) A return home to a HOUSE FULL of my closest friends that had gathered for my SURPRISE 40th birthday party! And…a surprise it was indeed! One of Chris’ sisters even came down from Virginia to join in the surprise!
5) Two dozen pink roses (I LOVE flowers and the color pink), a beautiful cake (I LOVE cake too), colorful balloons, and yummy food also showed up at the party!

In addition to that, I received many cards in the mail, well wishes on Facebook and…another surprise…

My blog was HIJACKED! Yes indeed! It was “taken over” by a sweet friend that’s actually working on my new website, and she secretly coordinated putting up some precious messages, videos, and birthday greetings from some amazing ladies – as far away as Colorado!

And…just when you think…this girl has been blessed ENOUGH…God gave me another one!

Little did I realize but a sweet new friend in the state of Washington (that I’ve never met in person) contacted the Carolina Panthers (my FAVORITE football team) to let them know about the recent tragedy that touched our lives last year with Chris’ death. You know what they did? They sent a package of goodies along with a sweet letter (see below), and it happened to arrive on my birthday! Angie (my Washington friend) hadn’t even planned on that…but God did! I was stunned!

So, I think I’m finally beginning to break through the cloud of sweet shock that settled in over me this weekend. I’m so thankful for the way God chose to love on me for this first birthday without Chris! I feel VERY loved right now!

And...just to report...Anna’s birthday was a blast too! It was just the two of us, but we celebrated big time! Chinese takeout, game night, and movie night - all Anna's requests!

P.S. I'll post about my Birthday Project (40 Random Acts of Kindness in a day or two). So, stay tuned...

To Anna

2012-01-23T05:00:00.001-05:00

I remember holding you in my arms that very first time thinking, "Is she really mine?" I was scared - that God would entrust something so fragile and so beautiful to us to care for. And yet...I was so very, very THANKFUL!

Secretly, I had wanted my first baby to be a little girl. That had been my dream for years, so when the sonographer announced at our ultrasound that you were, indeed, a GIRL - I couldn't believe it. I think I had prepared myself for a boy...just in case...that when the news came that we should focus on buying pink...I was shocked. Happily shocked! :-) Thankfully, on January 23, 1997 at 5:39 pm - the news the sonographer had given us a few months prior was validated - here was my baby girl, my beautiful baby girl!

And now...my beautiful baby girl has developed into a beautiful young lady.

Anna, your beauty is not just external sweetheart, but your internal beauty is what makes this mother's heart sing. You are uniquely compassionate for those less fortunate...whether it be the kid being bullied or the malnourished child in Africa or perhaps the elderly woman in the grocery store that can hardly push her shopping cart, your compassion is so real. You love people. You want to serve people. And that makes me smile!

But, you also love God - unashamedly! I love your bold faith - so much bolder than my own at your age. You are not ashamed of the Gospel, and you are certainly not ashamed to admit you're a Jesus girl! I love that about you sweetheart! Your desire to want others to have what you have (or Who you have) is so beautiful. You go to great lengths, no matter that cost, to be the hands and feet of Jesus to people that you "do life" with so that they can see the Savior in you and want Him too! That is so uniquely rare in a young lady of 15. At your age, it's more common to be obsessed with the latest fashions/labels, your external appearance, the cute boys around you, what life can give you. But you, my dear, are thankfully different. Those things, while nice at times, aren't the things that impress you. And that also makes me smile!

You've endured much heartache in your brief 15 years, but my sweet girl...you are rising above it all! You are a living example of Romans 8:28, and I can't wait to see how God will continue to use your obedient heart in the days, months, and years to come.

So, today, on your 15th birthday...I wanted to publicly say how proud I am of you, Anna! I love you beyond words, and I am so very thankful that God hand-picked you to be my daughter!

Happy Birthday 'Sweet-Sweet'!!!!

Birthday Week and Giveaway Winner!

2012-01-22T21:02:00.000-05:00

What a week! An unforgettable week at that!

As I noted in my Birthday Project Giveaway post earlier, this week represented the last few days of my thirties, as my 40th birthday was yesterday. And...WOW...my thirties went out with a bang.

I spent most of the week in a lot of pain and finally ended up in the ER on Friday. The last few hours of my thirties were spent learning that I appeared to have nothing too serious (praise the Lord!) but nothing could concretely be diagnosed (ugh!). And so...the medical "drama" is not quite over (or so it seems). Enough of that, however...

The Birthday Project has been a BLAST! However, with my medical setback...I haven't quite finished. I started 10 days before my birthday, so I'm allowing myself the rest of this week to finish, if needed. I'll be sure to post about all of the RAOKs (Random Acts of Kindness) I was able to perform. It truly was something I will never forget, and I pray that it becomes a routine practice of mine - showing RAOKs to people - and not just something to do for special occasions!

I'll post more about the birthday festivities tomorrow. But, let's just say...I was blessed beyond measure. This being my first birthday without Chris could have been a VERY difficult day emotionally, but my friends made sure I was well taken care of, and I honestly felt deeply loved!

And...now...time to announce the winner of the grand prize from the Birthday Project Giveaway:

Sheila - Timestamp: January 18 - 9:11 pm

Congratulations Sheila! Be sure to email me or Facebook message me your mailing address so that I can get your prize sent off to you right away!

Thank you for all of the wonderful birthday wishes friends. You are precious to me!

By the way, if you haven't had a chance to check out the "Hijacked" post from my birthday...please do! What a shock but what a precious gift!

Hijacked! Happy Birthday Leah!

2012-01-21T11:40:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone ... Lisa Boyd here. I've hijacked Leah's blog today to wish her a happy birthday and share some messages from her She Speaks sisters. Be sure to leave a comment today and share your special birthday message with Leah!

Hey Leah!

I had hoped to have your new blog ready before today so I could leave these messages there, but the timing just didn't work out. I gathered messages - some video - some text - some graphics - from your Table #73 sisters :) We all wish that we lived right next door so we could bombard you with hugs, presents, food, balloons, and of course, presents! But we have to settle for hijacking your blog.

I hope and pray you have a wonderful day, full of love, friends and family. I'm so thankful that I've gotten to know you online. You are one strong lady who loves Jesus! Thank you for the wonderful example you set for me and for others. Praying that Jesus continues to hold you tight in His arms and that He loves on you even more this next year! ~ Lisa Boyd

Happy Birthday Leah!!! Sending you BIG BIG HUGS on this very special day! I hope your heart is blessed and you receive love over flowing! I am so thankful for your friendship. You have richly blessed me directly and indirectly more than you know. I love you dearly!! And remember...we have a Papa's and Beer dinner on hold that will need filling SOON!!! TOOT TOOT....that's my birthday horn. ;-) ~ Angie

Happy birthday, Leah! I'm so glad God brought you in to my life this summer. I have enjoyed getting to know you and your beautiful heart. Praying blessings upon you this next year. May 40 bring more true friends, fun adventures, and God-sized "coincidences" your way. Love you, friend! ~ Leigh

And ... one more message from family :)

Happy Birthday Leah....there are no words to describe all that you are to me. We have been through so much together over these past 20+ years. No matter how chaotic things may have gotten in either of our lives.....one thing has always been a constant...YOU!! I appreciate you so much and I pray that God will bless you beyond belief as you begin this new decade (lol) in your life. Thank you for the inspiration that you are to me and so many....always remember....you are truly are the SISTER...I never had.... Love you always, Kandi

Happy Birthday Leah!

The Birthday Project and a GIVEAWAY!

2012-01-16T21:45:00.000-05:00

It's here! Birthday week in our house, that is. One week from today (1/23) my daughter turns 15. Yikes. And even more yikes...I turn the big 4-0 on Saturday (1/21). Honestly, I still feel 25 sometimes, so this just doesn't seem possible. However, I'm holding out with great hope that my 40s and beyond will be the best years of my life.

For the past two years, I've had such joy in doing a birthday blog giveaway. I'm doing that again this year...but with a twist.

My sweet friend, Amber, had her birthday earlier this month and spent the better part of a day doing a random act of kindness (RAOK) for each year of her life. You can read about it by clicking here. I thought it was such a wonderful idea, and I knew I had to steal it! I find so much pleasure in doing for others (especially those RAOKs) that I decided I would do 40 random acts of kindness for my 40th birthday. However, I don't have the energy that Amber does to do it all in one day, so I've spread mine out over the 10-11 days leading up to my birthday. I'm in the middle of this birthday project and will report on it Sunday - the day after my birthday, so you can see how everything turned out. But, let's just say I'm having a blast so far! My daughter has even joined in on the madness and is doing 15 RAOKs for her 15th birthday. I loved watching her in action at our local Walmart over the weekend. It did this mama's heart good! :-)

Anyway, back to the giveaway....

Here's how it will work. First off, it begins tonight (sorry this post is getting up a little late) and will run through midnight on Saturday (the 21st). I'll announce the winner on Sunday evening (the 22nd). How can you enter you might be wondering?

1) Perform a random act of kindness for somebody this week and then come back here and leave a comment saying what you did. If you want to do 2, 3, 30, 50...you can come back here and leave that many comments. Essentially...for each unique random act of kindness you do...come back here and leave a comment. Each comment gets you an entry (don't bundle all of your RAOKs into one comment, because that will only get you one entry). See what I mean? Now - as for the word "unique". Let's say that you buy 10 plants and plan to give them to 10 different people...that only counts as one comment entry. But, if you buy 10 plants & give them to 10 people and then carry groceries out for someone at the store, and giveaway 5 Starbucks cards - that would be considered 3 different entries (because that's 3 unique types of RAOKs). I hope this makes sense.

2) The other way to enter is to post about this giveaway on Twitter and/or Facebook and provide the link back to this blog post. THEN...come back here and comment and tell me you've done. The comment is what Random Integer will pick up when selecting the winner.

So, you can get your first entries in immediately by spreading the word on Twitter and Facebook and then come back after you complete your RAOKs. They don't have to be big and elaborate friends...just bless somebody...randomly...when they're not especting it. Can you imagine all the smiles this week?

So, what will you win? I've got a picture of it below, but specifically...you will win:

1) A Daily Prayer Organizer - what better random (or intentional) act of kindness can you do for somebody than pray for them. This is a WONDERFUL organizer new on the market. I have one and LOVE it!

2) Two journals - one to keep and one for you to give away (another RAOK)

3) Two $5.00 Starbucks giftcards - one to keep and one for you to give away (and yet another RAOK)

4) Lastly, a box of blank notecards. Leaving a kind note for someone is another powerful way to express love and you can even do it randomly!

I'm praying for a great turnout with this giveaway, because I truly want to see all of us catch the "RAOK fever". If you've never had much experience before with offering random acts of kindness...trust me, you will be so blessed!

Now...on your mark...get set...go bless somebody!!!

Don't forget to come back and here and tell me about it and get entered to win! :-)

Cemetery Guilt

2012-01-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

In the beginning, I visited daily. Sometimes more than once a day. My trips to the cemetery to sit at my husband's grave are absolutely precious to me. It's where I spend a lot of time praying, weeping, "talking" to Chris, and thinking. He's buried in a beautiful memorial park in a section that sits on a small hill with a mountain landscape dropped in right behind it - or right in front depending on the angle from where you're observing. It's a beautiful God painting!

After I returned to work following Chris' death, I continued to head to the cemetery before I would go home many nights each week. I know Chris isn't actually there, but just knowing his earthly body is just a few feet under from where I stand or sit makes me feel close to him (as crazy as this might sound). On one occasion, I was talking with a co-worker who also lost a close family member a few months before me, and she asked me a question that she thought would make me wonder if she'd lost her marbles. She asked, "Sometimes, do you ever just want to dig him up so you could see him again, hold him again, feel him again?" She went on to share that she had been thinking those strange things herself regarding her loved one. Interestingly enough...I totally got that. As crazy as it may appear, I also wanted to do that very impossible thing.

As the months went on, the colder days set in, school started back for my new high schooler, and life got a little more hectic. My cemetery days shrunk to just weekend days. I felt so guilty for that. It was almost as if I thought Chris would be disappointed if I didn't show up for several days. I KNOW (in my "knower" as my friend Lorie would say) that this is crazy thinking. He's NOT there. However, it didn't stop me from feeling the way I did.

Then came November. The time changed, and the shorter days became even shorter and much colder. This particular cemetery closes at sunset - meaning I often can't get there after work anymore during the week. Then, I discovered my weekends were full - going out of town, running errands, etc. Before I knew it - I hadn't been to Chris' grave in a couple of weeks. Upon realization of that - I wept. I felt I had betrayed him. Seriously. I know this makes no sense, in many ways, but this was huge to me. The guilt was almost more than I could take.

It's practically mid-January now. I've only been to visit his gravesite maybe 5 times in the last 12 weeks. For some, even that's too much. For me? It's just another bend in the Grief Road. Does this mean I care less? On the contrary actually. As I blogged just a week or so ago, I'm more in love with my husband now than ever before. I want to honor him now every way imaginable. But, the cemetery guilt is leaving. I know Chris would not want me out there all the time. I can still "talk to him" from the comforts of home.

And, honestly, I look forward to spring - the warmer, longer days - when I can spend a little more time in that peaceful, special place out of "want to" rather than guilt. Oh, how I miss him so...

Do You Want to Get Well?

2012-01-12T06:00:00.004-05:00

Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. ~John 5:1-8 NIV

The words kept ringing in my ears...

Do you want to get well? Do you want to get well? Do you want to get well?

I remembered this very healing that took place at the pool of Bethesda when Jesus uttered these words, but I couldn't remember the exact location and the context of the words. And so my search began...

I found the reference immediately and went right to John 5, and I studied. I read the words over and over. I even studied the Greek a bit. I went to my Bible software suite and studied it in a commentary. What are you trying to say to me here Lord?

Do you want to get well?

And...then I knew. I've been sick. Not in the physical sense that most would think of...cold, flu, virus...but heartsick, grief-sick. And, like the invalid here in this passage, I've been waiting on someone to help me into the "water". My statements might sound something like this, however...

-I can't do this. It's just too hard.

-Everyone around me seems to be oblivious to how deeply I'm hurting.

-It's easier to just stay where I'm at. Grief work is too hard.

-I'm putting on weight again. I seem to be going in reverse of what I should be doing.

-I've tried everything, but nothing seems to work anymore.

-I want healing, and I'm just too tired to do anything about it. Nobody seems to understand that.

For me, "the water" represents that which I can never reach. Like the invalid, I've had moments where I've simply laid there waiting on someone to help me. But everyone would run right past me. Like the invalid, I got used to my circumstances and eventually fell prey to them. I allowed them to overtake me at times (i.e. food). Like the invalid, I somewhat gave up the fight. I felt it was useless...I would never reach the "water".

But then the Holy Spirit quickened me with those words that wouldn't go away. Do you want to get well?

When I studied this passage, I realized a couple of things...

1) The invalid DID want to get well. He was just "stuck" in his misery.

2) Jesus was the only one that could help him see the way out of his misery.

3) The man had to obey Jesus' instructions to receive his healing.

4) The man no longer relied on anyone else to get to the healing waters. He stood up and walked.

5) The man didn't need the waters to be healed...he needed the Savior.

So what am I supposed to do with this Lord? What are you trying to say?

Do you want to get well?

Yes, Lord! I do! I desperately do!

Then, start walking. Nobody else will carry you where you need to go. But, trust in what I tell you to do, and you will have the strength to do it...without the aid of the "healing waters".

My healing may not yet be complete (and it may never be complete this side of heaven), but I'm walking friends...I'm putting one foot in front of the other, and I'm walking!

My Core Four

2012-01-09T09:04:00.000-05:00

If you're popping over from my post on A Widow's Might today, I'm so thrilled to say "welcome"!

One of the tangible ways God has poured out His lavish love on me these past 8 months of grief is through a group I have affectionately dubbed my Core Four!

My Core Four is not a group of fictitious superheroes (although, we're working on names and costumes just for fun). It is a group of Jesus-loving women, uniquely gifted and I believe specifically called by God to come alongside me "at such a time as this".

Let me first say, God has blessed me with an ARMY of support - not just these 4 ladies. I actually wanted to write a post calling out each name one-by-one and sharing how each person has served as the hands of feet of Jesus to Anna and/or me in these last 8 months. However, as I started formulating the list, it simply grew so large that I was afraid I would forget somebody. That's a treasure in and of itself. And, I don't take this "army" of support lightly.

However, there are times that I simply can't share everything my heart actually feels on this blog or other social media outlet. It's simply too painful, and honestly not very appropriate at times. That's where my Core Four comes in.

These are the ladies I feel safe in sending a text message to at anytime of the day or night I can also call these ladies, and they will sit and listen even as I share no words - only sob. They are the ones that don't always have the words to say but know the One that does and never fails to go to Him on my behalf. These four pray when they say they pray. I can also trust them with my deepest, most painful feelings, and I know they'll give good guidance and won't pretend to offer any advice not rooted in love. But, perhaps the greatest blessing I've received from these women (aside from prayer and encouragement) is the ability to speak truth to me. They will not allow me to pit-wallow without checking in to see what the latest cause might be. If unfounded, they will make sure the truths of God's word have been spoken into my life. They keep me accountable to His Word, and oh how I need that! Its so very easy in times of despair to not believe anything anymore, to settle into a "woe is me attitude"

These four are from four different stages of life - 3 married, 1 divorced; 1 grandmother, 2 with young pre-school aged children, 1 with children of all ages, 3 work outside the home, 1 works inside the home. The closest any of them live from me is about 35 minutes away. So, they are not just a hop, jump, and a skip away. We actually communicate most frequently by phone, email, Facebook, and texting. I've also known each of them for varying lengths of time - one for 21 years, another for 3 years, and the last two for a little over two years. Regardless of time, God has uniquely knit us together, and they are true sisters to me!

Friends, it is not good for us to be alone. Jesus, Himself, surrounded Himself with the 12 men that became His disciples. God never meant for us to be in relationship alone. He made us for relationship - 1st with Himself, and secondly with each other.

One of the things that's "haunted me" perhaps more than anything else about Chris' suicide is this very thing. Granted, he had a small group of friends. A few guys that he would like to fish and hunt with, a few at church he would joke around with, some at work that he would cut up with, but I know he didn't have a Core Four of his own. He didn't have a group that he could go to with alarming text messages simply saying "Help me!" (Yes - I've sent those at times.) And - he certainly never let me in on the deep burdens of his mind and heart that led to his final action. Could it have had a different outcome if he allowed himself to be surrounded by a "Core Four" of his own? Honestly, I'll never know the answer to that question.

I urge you, however. Allow yourself to immersed into a small body of close friends that can become your "Core". If you don't have that - ask God for it! He'll provide those people, because I KNOW that He wants that for you. Just open your eyes to see them around you, and open your heart to accept their friendship and love. Don't do this life alone. It's simply too hard.

She Gets It! (More Than I Do!)

2012-01-06T21:59:00.000-05:00

During these 8 months of new widowhood, I've learned a lot - more than I ever carried to know, if truth be told.

I've learned that my emotions love to ride roller coasters. I've discovered that there is no true "pattern" to grief. I've figured out that the "Leah before May 3/4" is so different from the "Leah after May 3/4". I've realized that I don't always have to be the giver - it's okay to be on the receiving side sometimes.

But, that's where I've gotten hung up - quite a bit, actually. Friends, I've always been the independent one. I've had a lifetime's share of disappointments and heartaches (and that was BEFORE my husband's tragic suicide in May). As a result, I had developed a bit of a thick skin. Independence was my friend. I didn't need anyone or anything. I could take care of myself. And, then I met my precious Chris...

He changed me in so many good ways. He softened me. He cared for me. He loved me! It was wonderful to let somebody "take care of me" as he always did and wouldn't have it any other way. He was a servant, by nature. Not just with me but with everybody he met. He would give a complete stranger the shirt off his back in the middle of winter if needed. And, that servant heart of his translated well in our marriage.

When Chris left this earth for our heavenly home on May 4, 2011 - my world shattered! Completely. I was lost. I didn't know what to do. That independent woman of long ago was nowhere to be found. I depended on anybody that would make themselves available to me, and most especially I depended on God - the One that will NEVER leave me.

After awhile, however, that dependence became uncomfortable for me. I felt needy. I didn't want to come across that way to my friends and family. Yes. I needed people desperately, but I didn't want to ask for help. I guess I just wanted people to figure out what I needed without me having to tell them. That was unfair of me, I know. I just didn't know how to handle this new "temporarily needy me".

Several months ago, I had a conversation with a friend that left me a little unsettled. We discussed the scriptural mandate to care for orphans and widows. I shared that I felt people were more easily drawn to caring for orphans but didn't know what to do with widows. She asked me to explain further. I said that orphan awareness is THANKFULLY growing by and large more and more everyday (and happens to be a passion of mine as well), but I rarely hear about the widows part of the mandate. She then asked, "What would it look like to care for a widow...to you?" I tried to answer the question but fumbled over my words. Honestly, I didn't know how to answer it. I truly didn't even know what I needed at that moment.

And - that's just it! I can only speak for myself and my own journey. But, I honestly believe what I've needed most in these early months is for people to simply come alongside and be the hands and feet of Jesus to me in whatever ways He directs them. People that are closely involved in my life should be able to physically see what that might be. People that talk to me on a regular basis might even hear those needs uttered with my own lips at times (even when I'm not aware of it). For others - perfect strangers - it might take the nudging of the Holy Spirit. But, I honestly believe that learning the Love Language of a widow and speaking that language to her is one of the most loving ways to be "Jesus with skin on" to her. Widowhood is exhausting! I've had so many people say, "just let me know if you need anything". While the sentiment is sincere...what I've needed most is somebody to "serve" in whatever way the Lord tells them, because I honestly don't know what I need sometimes. Don't wait on me to ask or share or give you an idea...it will probably never come. I'm simply too tired to even try and figure it out sometimes.

So, you can imagine my surprise, pure delight, and utter amazement when my girlie and I were abundantly blessed this Christmas by an anonymous Christmas Angel (as I like to call him/her/them). It made our first Christmas without Chris much sweeter to have so much love poured out on us. Thank you God!

And then again...God blew me away yesterday when I received an email from a new blog and Twitter friend that I've never met. She lives clear across the country from me, in the state of Washington. She had an idea that she wanted to employ this year about Paying it Forward in 2012 and wanted my permission to bless my daughter and me with this idea. I was literally blown away. I cried and cried (happy tears). I was truly speechless at first and didn't even know how to begin to thank her for wanting to pour out such love and care on someone she's never met. That's all God. I know that full well! But, I also know something else...my new friend gets it! She understands how to care for and pour out love on a new, young widow (much more than I do actually). Thank you friend for being Jesus to Anna and me and for all that are coming alongside her to bless us with encouragement this year! I am praying that God blesses each of you...abundantly!

Deeper In Love

2012-01-05T06:00:00.001-05:00

You know the expression, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” For me, I’m finding that to be very true.

I had a hard day yesterday. (OK – I need to get real. I’ve had a hard several weeks.) Anyway, as I was thinking about Chris (like I do ALL the time), I suddenly realized that I’m more in love with him now than ever before. How can that be?

Some would argue that I should be angry with him. Oh – trust me – I have been, but I’ve given that to the Lord, and I have forgiven him. Some would think the longer I go without seeing him, hearing his voice, feeling his touch that my heart would gravitate towards other things/people to fill the “void”. Sure. I guess that’s natural too. The most common things I hear sound something like this, “You’re young. You’re pretty. You have so much to offer someone. You have a lot of life left in you. You’ll find true love again.” Those are well-meaning words from truly wonderful people, but for now…I simply have no comment.

All I know…right now…I’m more in love with my husband – my deceased husband – than I ever have been in my entire life. I love him more now than the day we married, and I never dreamed that would be possible. I truly don’t understand how this can be, but it is what it is. I think that’s why it hurts so badly.

I passionately love someone that can’t love me back. You can’t imagine (well, I know some of you can) how much that hurts. I truly ache inside from a heart that remains shattered.

Yes, I’m learning how to take steps forward. I’m forcing myself to function in life again. I’m actually serving in ministry again, and I LOVE that! But, I’m still a broken-hearted woman, deeply mourning the love of her life!

The Answer

2012-01-02T17:21:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure where to start after my last post. That was a painful one to write, but it came in the midst of a very painful season of my grief journey.

One thing I've strived to do throughout this process is be as transparent as I feel safe in doing, because I want people to know what this feels like for three main reasons:

(1) I want other women that have found themselves walking Grief Road as a widow to know that they're not alone...that God allows us to comfort each other with the comfort He also has given us. We are at varying phases of the journey, and our journeys are certainly not the same. Each Grief Road is like a snowflake, in my opinion. No two are the same, yet there are enough similarities that they are relatable.

(2) In the case that someone reading this might have ever contemplated suicide, I pray the pain and the "after effects" of making such a final decision stay clearly in the front of their mind, causing that to never take place. I want hurting people to read my words or watch my Vlogs and see the pain it causes those left behind and maybe...just maybe...it will be enough to say "it's not worth it".

(3) I pray that the body of Christ that hasn't ever been affected by death first-hand, or in a long time, learns how badly the population of widows needs you. The Lord, in His Word, is VERY clear about how much He cares for orphans and widows and the mandate He gives in caring for them. I am the first to admit, I was much happier to jump on the orphan advocacy "train" before colliding with the widow train head on. But, God never differentiated between the two saying one was more important to care for than the other. We've made that differentiation on our own. I hate to admit...I was in that group. So, I pray that my posts help to awaken a need...a deep need in the church. I have been blessed to be cared for by several in my church body quite well, but I know how easy it is to dismiss widows, in general.

Even saying all of that, there is still much I don't share. It's too personal. It's too painful. I don't believe it will edify anybody if I write it on this format. And...so, I don't. The snippets of this journey that I share on this platform are just that...snippets. Oh, friends, there is so much more. So, very much more. In time, maybe God will allow me to share more.

So, where am I now? Tomorrow marks eight months since my husband was first discovered as missing. Eight months since my living nightmare began. And, in eight months, I'm still deeply hurting, questioning, and aching. But, I've also seen Christ reach down and meet me where I'm at, pull me out of the mire, refresh my weary soul, and begin a process of restoration. A slow beginning, but a beginning nonetheless. And...so I let Him. I have been quieter than normal, because I'm listening a lot more.

There are still many firsts ahead to embrace...my first birthday without him later this month (turning 40, on top of that), Valentine's Day, Easter, the first anniversary of his death, and those are just the major ones. But, I'm still trusting in God's greater plan through all of this.

Just last weekend, I challenged Him with a question...one that I hadn't asked of the Lord before, but I finally did...

Lord, why didn't You stop him? You could have. I know You could have. Why did You let him take his own life? I know we have free will and all, but he loved You. You would have only had to whisper a word, and he would still be in my arms today. So, what is it Lord that kept that from happening? Why is he with You now instead of with me?

The answer came...immediately...

It was one of those moments I wish I could have back, because I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't been there. I was sitting in my recliner in the bedroom...SOBBING...crying out to the Lord...begging for answers. Right after asking the questions...a calming peace swept over me like I've never experienced. In. My. Life. Seriously! And then came the inaudible answer...

Because, I will be more glorified in his death than in his life.

The sobbing stopped. Immediately. I was simply stunned, as I sat there. And, then I knew. He was right! He's always right! He's God! I pondered back to many other people that even predeceased Chris. Others that died too young or in ways that seemed unfair. And, each time God appears to have been way more glorified in their deaths.

May it be so, Lord! May it please be so!

Performance Living

2011-12-29T18:00:00.001-05:00

Going through the motions. That’s what I’m doing these days. The motions…of simply living, that is.

I wake. I perform my morning routine.
I arrive at work. I perform my workday routine.
I return home. I perform my evening routine.

Sometimes, I just sit…performing my “nothingness routine”.

As I pondered this last night, I began to think that, for me, going through the motions really means “performance living”.

I’ve entered a new unfamiliar stage of this grief journey. Nearly 8 months into this, I find lots of discomfort in this new territory. I’ve experienced small fragments of time like this previously since my husband’s death, but nothing this consistent. I just don’t have the energy for true, purposeful living right now. Yes, I’m living day by day, obviously. But, I’ve discovered I’m really doing more “performing”. I’m like an actress, performing the role of Leah, the widow. There are certain tasks that must be performed everyday. I do them, but that’s it. That’s the extent of it.

I don’t like this role, at all. I want to be cast in a new role…one with more pizzazz, more excitement, more joy! I have so much I want to share...so much I want to give back…so much life to live! But, I have no energy right now, so my desires translate into very little.

I’m a fixer, a doer, a Type A perfectionist (yes, I admit it). But, right now, I feel lazy, unproductive, and somewhat “fake”. I feel like I see the shell of a woman I don’t recognize anymore. And, that translates into many areas of my life. I spent the first 5 months of 2011 losing weight in a healthy manner. After Chris died, I lost even more (just due to grieving). But, by August…food became my comfort again. Not good. At all. I don't recognize me anymore and am sickened by what I see in the mirror every single day.

So, I’m struggling right now…with grief, with purpose, with self-esteem, and with trying to regain focus. I simply can’t stand this.

Jesus came for more than this. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 NASB

Lord, I beg you. Show me how to live that abundant life. Give me renewed strength and energy. I want more than this performance living. I want all that You gave up for me on that cross over 2000 years ago. Help me, Lord!

The Grief Marathon

2011-12-27T09:17:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think running a marathon would be easier.

Before setting out on the 26.2 mile race, one hopefully trains extensively...body and mind. The big day comes, and if well-trained, the race is no doubt difficult, but possible! Just when you think you can't run another step, you see the sign along the path that says 14 miles! You've done it...you've run over half the journey! You're in the last part now. You can do this!

Somewhere around mile 22, your body wants to cave again. You begin the self-talk, "You're almost there. Four more miles." But, even with every optimistic word you share with yourself, your body wants to cave...until...

You pass a crowd of cheering onlookers. Strangers...urging you on, clapping loudly, screaming shouts of encouragement. It's just what you needed, you press forward and four miles later...you collapse with tears of joy! You did it! You completed the 26.2 mile race! It may have been the hardest, most grueling thing your body's ever endured, but you did it! It's over! Let the celebration begin!

And such is my grief "race" on many levels.

I'm racing through each grief mile...some quite successfully...others find me barely hanging on. And...then I see the "signpost" showing me how far I've come, and I start to think "I can do this...I can do this...".

I continue to run; even walk sometimes. The grief miles become even more difficult this time. My body is so exhausted from the long endurance of this "race". Suddenly, a crowd of onlookers start to cheer me on. I hear the applause, the words of encouragement, the whistles, and the shouts of praise. It's just enough to get me through the next set of miles.

And yet, there are two distinct differences I've discovered on my grief marathon that don't exist in a regular race. In my case, there was no preparation...no training of mind or body. I just suddenly found myself on the racetrack, and the whistle suddenly blew, signaling the start...whether I was ready or not.

But, the biggest difference? It doesn't have a definitive end. There aren't just 26.2 miles of grief to endure. There is no celebratory finish line. Will it get easier? Yes - I trust that it will, in time. But, as for ending...I'm not sure that will ever happen. So, for me, I have to adjust...to learn how to cope on this lengthy race that I was not prepared for even remotely. But, right now...I'm just soooo tired.

I'm Trying So Hard

2011-12-22T18:20:00.000-05:00

I’m trying so hard. I’ve never fought the tears back as much as I have this week. I don’t want to cry. I really, really don’t. I’ve cried enough tears to start a new lake in the last 7 ½ months. Why can’t this week just be different?

This week we celebrate the greatest gift that has ever been given (or ever will be) to mankind…the birth of the Messiah! My Jesus! That alone should give cause for jubilant celebration, a bigger-than-life smile, and euphoric joy of the eternity that’s yet to come for all believers!

But, for me…grief is trying to win out. And, I’m trying just as hard not to let it! Grief doesn’t win in the end. God does! Because, in Heaven, there will be no more tears, mourning, or sadness. But, this isn’t Heaven. I’m not Home yet.

Instead, my Chris is already Home, and I’m here…missing him terribly. Listening to the thunderstorm outside isn’t helping things either. I just want to lay my head in his lap and sob until the tears won’t come anymore. I just want to feel his large hand rubbing my back and moving my hair out of my eyes like he used to do so tenderly. I just want him to tell me it will all be okay. But, I know I can only dream of such things.

I feel guilty for even feeling like I do at times. People have gone out of their way to make this first Christmas without him so very, very special for Anna and me. And, it is. I know it would be so much harder without all the love that’s being poured out upon us so abundantly. For that, I am thankful beyond words.

I think that’s part of the reason I’m trying so hard, but I think I might be losing the battle this evening. The tears continue to leak out whether I want them to or not.

Immanuel - God With ME!

2011-12-20T16:41:00.000-05:00

Happy Tuesday blog friends!

If you happened to stop by after reading my post on A Pinkdaisy Life, welcome! So glad to have you join me here as well!

I honestly can’t believe it’s here. December 20, that is. Five days until Jesus’ birthday! I really want to throw Him a grand party after all He’s done for me! But, this year might be a little subdued. I’m still deeply hurting in my new role as a 39-year-old widow. And yet…my Savior understands that too.

Even so, He’s been so good to me this year.

Even with such great loss, my Jesus has been by my side every step of the way.

Even with the magnitude of tears I’ve cried, He’s caught each and every single one.

Even with the agonizing screams of grief, He’s never wearied of hearing my pain.

Even with an ungrateful spirit at times, He cradles me in His warm embrace.

Even with question after question after question, He continues to listen.

Even with my ~~broken~~ shattered heart, He’s still mending and healing me.

And so…in my continued preparations for this first Christmas without my precious husband, I rejoice in who Christ is…Immanuel…God with us…God with you...God with ME!

Angels Among Us

2011-12-19T06:00:00.001-05:00

Several days ago, God began blessing my daughter and me through a most unexpected, yet very generous & simply unbelievable, way.

Last Wednesday, December 14, we were greeted with a beautiful basket containing candy, ornaments, and other amazing goodies and a card that contained the following excerpt...

"Dear Leah and Anna,
This is the beginning of your 12 Days of Christmas! Consider all these gifts, as they have come from the lavish love of Jesus. You both are in His thoughts continuously and also in the thoughts and prayers of many of the saints. You are both loved beyond measure. I know that this Christmas will be remembered as the 1st one without Chris...but also remember it as the Christmas season that prayers, grace and gifts were lavished on you both!"

The note continued to say that we should check our porch each morning from now through December 25!

Blog friends, I'm struggling to even type this post, because the tears are literally pouring out of my eyes right now. The very Sunday before all this began, I asked the ladies in the Sunday School class I teach to share their most memorable Christmas gift ever received (aside from Christ's gift of salvation). Little did I realize that my most memorable gift was coming later that week.

This has literally blown my mind.

Not because the gifts are so amazing (even though they are).
Not because it's created a sense of sweet excitement in our home this first Christmas without my amazing husband (even though it has, and the excitement is helping us cope).
Not because I think I deserve any of this (because I know I most definitely do not).

It's blowing my mind, because I feel extremely loved right now. Extremely loved. When life is most difficult (as it has been these last 7 1/2 months since Chris' death), knowing you are loved isn't enough. You need to feel it...see it...taste it...touch it...hear it. Friends, I have done just that!

I have no idea the identify of these Christmas Angels among us. Just when I think I've figured it out, I'm thrown a little off track again. I need to quit trying to figure it out...I know...I know.

I simply pray that this is blessing my gift-givers as much as it is Anna and me. I pray that the Lord bestows immense blessing and favor on each hand that was involved in this. And...to my Christmas angels (I pray you're reading this)...you will never fully know the depth of this blessing! You have made this widow's heart sing (Job 29:13b NIV).

I Don't Know Why...

2011-12-14T23:27:00.000-05:00

I really can't think of any reason why God continues to bless me like He does. There are so many other people that deserve blessing far more than I do.

There are women experiencing their first Christmas as a widow and are even more lonely than myself.

There are so many unemployed moms and dads this Christmas, praying like crazy that someone...anyone will provide Christmas for their little ones.

There are Christian brothers and sisters across this continent being persecuted for worshiping the same Jesus whose birth we so openly celebrate in the United States.

There are disabled veterans that continue to be plagued by the harsh indifference they receive from their "fellow" Americans day in and day out.

There are still orphans praying for a mommy and/or daddy.

There are loved ones, in the care of Hospice or family members, anticipating their last breaths.

There are homeless men, women, and children that just crave a roof over their heads.

There are still infertile couples that would give anything to see the pregnancy test declare "positive" this year.

There are hurting moms and dads praying their prodigal son or daughter would choose this Christmas to come home.

There are drug addicts and alcoholics that would give anything to be clean and sober...forever...but are waiting on that miracle to get them there.

There are victims of cancer, still waiting to hear the word "remission".

So, why me? Why does God continue to bless undeserving me?

Honestly...I think it's for the same reason He gave His life for me 2000 years ago. His love for you, for me, and for those yet to come is already 100% complete. There is nothing we can do or not do to make Him love us any less or anymore. We just have to say "yes" and "thank you" to that love!

In the same way, I choose to say "yes" and "thank you" to His blessings. Some days, His blessings are obvious and enormous. Some days, they are much harder to see.

I don't know why He chose me, and I don't know why He continues to bless me so much, but I'm eternally grateful that He did then and that He still does now!

I love you, Lord Jesus!

Best Laid Plans

2011-12-12T17:19:00.000-05:00

Well...well...well...you know what they say about "best laid plans"? My intentions of blogging Monday through Friday have, well...let's just say been challenged a bit this past week.

I faced another grief tidal wave last week. Now, 7+ months into this new life as a widow, I still struggle to know how to battle those giant, pounding mounds of grief water that tend to shatter me...for a day, or two, or three... I've learned enough about grief to know that there is no "magic" formula to its ending, there is no timetable to follow, and honestly - there is no end to it.

Yes, there will be an end to some parts of this journey, but memories of my precious husband will never, ever leave me. God gave me such a gift in him and in our marriage! I was blessed indeed, and for that I will continue to give thanks and yet grieve that which I no longer have until the day God calls me to the land of Glory!

Just as the tidal wave started to pass, a new wave arrived! This time - one of physical sickness. Within three hours, I went from laughing with the sweet ladies I teach every Sunday morning, while we enjoyed our Christmas potluck luncheon...

Connect Group Christmas Potluck Luncheon & Ornament Exchange

to feeling like this...

No - this isn't me. My picture would look much worse!

I've literally been rendered pretty helpless right now. Fever, body aches, chills, headache, upset stomach, nausea, you name it...it seems to have temporarily taken over my body. My plans of having a productive Sunday afternoon and evening yesterday abruptly changed.

We have company coming this weekend, and I still have cleaning to do, grocery shopping that needs to be tackled, Christmas shopping to do, and the list goes on... But, interestingly enough, I can't do any of it now, because my body won't let me. I've slept about 19 of the last 24 hours, and even that doesn't seem to be enough. So, for now, I succumb to this "bug" that seems to have invaded my space. And, I pray that it leaves QUICKLY!!!

Interestingly enough, this reminds me of another time - the first week of May, 2011. Life was busy, as usual, and I was puttering along through it as I always do until I realized my husband was missing and then later gone. Quite abruptly, my "plans" changed, and nothing else seemed to matter except trying to cope and exist through those first days and weeks of widowhood.

A "planner" by nature, God has really had to work on me in that area. It's so easy for me to have everything all mapped out and then when something doesn't go as planned, I unravel a bit. But, as only God could ordain, part of that planner in me has also changed. I'm still very much Type A, but I've learned that my best laid plans can be snuffed out at a moment's notice. And so...I have to leave my plans in His hands! His plans for me are the best anyway (no matter how crazy that may appear at times). Therefore, I lay even my plans at His altar, as my act of worship this day!

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it's the LORD's purpose that prevails. ~Proverbs 19:21

31 Weeks

2011-12-07T21:17:00.000-05:00

What does it mean to survive the first 31 weeks of widowhood? Today marks that day for me, and I can assure you that my answer today is different than it would have been at 30 weeks (and probably different than it will be at 32 weeks). Before I go further...I need to offer up a little disclaimer...

Today's post does not, in any conceivable way, diminish the healing work that God is doing in me. Please hear me on that! I love Him more today than ever before, and I owe Him everything! Everything! He is with me on this journey. He is truly Immanuel to me (God With Us, as that name literally means). He is cradling me in the palm of His hand. He is catching every tear I cry. He loves me with an unconditional love. He will not leave me stranded on Grief Road - not even for a second.

With that said, today stinks! I hurt. I ache. Another tidal wave ensues. Tears are pouring. The grief is so thick today, mainly this evening.

I am so, so sad! I know I will see Chris again in Glory, but I want to see him now!!!!! I don't want to travel the next two and half weeks until Christmas without him. And, I am already dreading waking up Christmas morning this year as a widow...without my precious man by my side.

Sometimes, I don't know how to do this. So, I don't. I let God do it for me along with all of my prayer warriors. I am sapped of strenth. This feels like the early days all over again. I don't want to make decisions. I can't make decisions. I have no energy. I don't want to do anything. I don't even feel like writing this post. But, I'm doing it anyway, because I'm waiting on my daughter to get ready for bed. Otherwise, I'd already be there.

I am so thankful to have Christmas to celebrate, but I'm so tired of the pain that goes with it this year. I feel like screaming from the rooftops, "I'm hurting here!!!!!!!!!!!" But, that's a selfish response. I don't want to be selfish. This life isn't about me.

So many mixed up thoughts. I'm exhausted from thinking. I'm all "thunked" out!

The tidal wave is winning tonight. Thankfully, I know the One that ultimately wins in the end!

I See You...I Miss You

2011-12-06T22:12:00.000-05:00

I see you everywhere.

-I see you in pictures all over the house.

-I see you in ornaments hanging on the tree.

-I see you in the deer that leap across my path in the early evening hours or the wee hours of the morning.

-I see you on the couch sitting beside me as we watch our favorite Christmas movies together.

-I see you in the kitchen whipping up batches of yummy goodies.

-I see you in your sister’s crystal blue eyes – your eyes.

-I see you in “our spot” in church sitting right beside me.

-I see you in the bathroom using your sink to get ready in the mornings.

-I see you decorating a gingerbread house with Anna like you do every December.

-I see you kissing me goodbye as you leave for work each morning.

-I see you putting out the trash every Monday night.

-I see you helping your mother hang a new light fixture.

-I see you giving announcements in our Connect Group.

-I see you baking cookies to take to the Christmas program outreach night at church.

-I see you saying “I do” to me with a smile on your face, quivering voice, and tears forming in your eyes.

-I see you in the memories that continually flood my mind.

And yet…I don’t see you at all. I miss you Chris…from the depths of my being …I miss you!

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

2011-12-05T07:30:00.001-05:00

If you hopped over here from my post on A Widow’s Might today – thank you! I’m so glad you decided to stop by this little corner of my world.

I was completely honored when LeAnn Rice asked me to join her small team of bloggers on A Widow’s Might. I had no idea that God had this in store for me 7 months ago, but LeAnn did, as He whispered my name to her the very day Chris died (and, we had never met at that point and only barely knew of each other).

I remember so clearly the day LeAnn asked me to pray about joining her blog team. She shared the story of how she’d been praying for quite awhile for someone else to join the team but wanted God to lead her to that person. She knew it was me on the day Chris died, and she thought I would think she was crazy for sharing that with me.

Crazy? Not in the least! I’ve learned to listen closely for that still small voice of His. There have been many times that the Lord has revealed something to my heart that seems completely insane. But, when I act upon it, in obedience to whatever He reveals, it always reveals His Glory!

That’s what we’re here for anyway…right? To Glorify Him!

This life isn’t about me.

It’s not about my grief experience.

It’s not about my faith (or lack thereof, at times).

Life doesn’t care how many blog followers I have or how many comments I receive (even though, I have to admit it makes me smile).

This life isn’t here for me.

But God…my sweet Lord…

God has allowed me to be here…at this time…in the history of the world He created…for one purpose…to Glorify Him!

I try to do so daily. And, I know that I mess that up more times than I care to admit. But, I still live to Glorify Him.

I want to Glorify Him most especially with “my story”. I’ve said it so many times before, but He’s given me a story to steward. And, I want to steward it well. He’s been writing my story for nearly 40 years, and He’s woven all over it. And, others need to hear about what He’s woven in me. And so I share…

Some might argue I share too much. Others might say that I don’t share enough. It doesn’t matter what others say anyway. It only matters what He says!

And so today…I shared more of that story on A Widow’s Might. Friends, God has been carrying me every single day of these last 7 months + 1 day. Every single day. There is absolutely no way I could have made it this far without Him. No way. I know that much about myself. But, one thing I know for certain…Jesus Loves Me This I Know!

Even So I Still Say...

2011-12-03T20:31:00.000-05:00

I had another single mom friend of mine and her daughter over for a “slumber party” last night! We had it all planned out. We attended a Christmas show at our church (that my Anna is in this year) and then we came back home…lit up all the trees and decorations, and ate a bunch of fun food. That’s what you’re supposed to do at slumber parties…right? Then, we decided that we’d play with the Wii and do a little “Just Dance” for some laughs. The problem? The Wii is suddenly broken.

In my mind, I’m thinking…seriously? Now, Lord? I know it’s just a “thing”…but, it does bring us laughter and enjoyment, and it’s not easily replaced. Really?

But, with my mouth…I simply said, “No big deal. I’ll fix it later. Let’s watch a movie instead.” So, out came Alvin & the Chipmunks on DVD. (Later came too…I tried to fix the Wii…it’s still broken…my daughter and I are a little heartbroken.)

This morning, we slept in a little and then got up and spent time slowly getting started for the day. We later ventured out for some window shopping and girl’s lunch out. Three out of the four of us woke up not feeling so hot. So, our lunch out wasn’t quite as entertaining as it could have been. But, surely ice cream would do the trick.

A trip to Cold Stone was our next stop. It hit the spot for me and helped my scratchy throat, but I still had that silly broken Wii in the back of my mind.

We all came back to the house, took naps, and then Anna headed back to the church for two more performances of the Christmas production. In the meantime, we had another surprise brief visit from an out-of-town friend. We enjoy coffee and chat time together, but it was soon time for our girl’s adventure to end.

We said goodbye to LuAnn and thanked her for popping by. Carol and Ella also got ready to head home. Safely back in their car, ready to take off – the car decided it didn’t want to start. After a couple more tries, we determined it must be a dead battery. Here we were – two women trying to figure out how to jump off a car. We had a little help over the phone from Carol’s dad. And, we successfully got the car to crank.

Off they went…I waved goodbye and headed back into the house to work on the Wii again. It was no use. It’s dead with a game disc stuck inside. I didn’t know what to do. I just kept thinking – now would be a good time for a meltdown, Lord. But, He wouldn’t let me have one. Instead, I just grew more bitter and the “not fairs” started to roll off my tongue.

It’s not fair that Carol and I had to stand outside and try to figure out how to jump off a car.

It’s not fair that the Wii is broken, and I can’t seem to fix it.

It’s not fair that the husbands in our lives are no longer with us, and we are “stuck” playing both roles more often than we like.

It’s not fair that the Christmas season is here, and we feel lonely again.

It’s not fair…blah, blah, blah.

I just had to whine a little. Sometimes, that’s all I can do.

Finally, I decided to cuddle up in my chair with my Bible on my lap and read. God’s Word never returns void. Never.

Please give me something tonight Lord. Please. I’m empty, and I need to feel your Presence. I need to get over this bad attitude. Please help me!

And He gave me this…

“Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.” ~Psalm 90:2

That’s it! God is God…from everlasting to everlasting. The same God that brought forth the earth and all the world out of nothingness…the same God that created me…the same God that continues to reach for me and rescue me from the depths of deep grief waters is the same God that can take care of a broken Wii and dead car battery (and a broken wireless router that also died this week).

Who am I to ever doubt Him? I guess I just get weary of “doing hard” sometimes. But even so, I still say…

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

I'm Scared

2011-11-30T22:23:00.000-05:00

Generally, I'm about as fearless as they come. There is very little I'm afraid of, and I have quite the adventurous spirit - making me a bit of a "daredevil" at times. I'm just wired that way, and it's certainly made for interesting experiences in life (with hopefully many more to come).

However, I have to admit something. I'm scared. I'm actually scared...of grief.

You're probably thinking...why now? After nearly 7 months as a widow, she's just now figuring out she's scared of grief? What's to be scared of? She's already survived 7 months.

Actually, I've been scared of it all along. I'm just admitting it now. It's really hard to explain, and I've been trying to sort out my feelings over this, hence the blog post about it. Like everything else along this journey, I find it makes more sense to me (even if to nobody else) if I write about it. So, here I am...

Honestly, I'm scared of the unknowns of grief. I'm scared of the peaks and valleys. I'm scared of the waves that come out of nowhere and try to "carry me out to sea". I'm scared of losing control over my emotions (it's happened a couple of times already) - especially in places not conducive to such an "event". I'm scared of people getting tired of my grieving, thereby losing my support system. I'm scared of forgetting something important (my mind is still very muddled these days). I'm scared of not having a shoulder to cry on when I need it most. I'm just plain scared.

I know the "Christianese" responses to the above. I know what the Bible says about fear. I especially know the part about there being no fear in love, and God's love casts out fear. I know that I need to just leave this at the Lord's throne for Him to deal with. I know all of these things, but right now...knowing them and living them out are two entirely different things.

Entering this season of Advent and Christmas is very emotional for me. Very, very emotional. This makes my grief fears all the more prevalent. I don't know all the answers for what this next month holds, but I know the One that does. I'm desperately clinging to Him now. I don't want to be scared anymore.

Serving My Way up the Healing Ladder

2011-11-29T19:34:00.000-05:00

I've heard it said many times before...one of the best ways to receive emotional healing is through serving. Now, I'm not talking about masking feelings or hiding from emotions that need to be dealt with. I simply mean serving even while healing, which can often bring a greater depth and meaning to the healing process.

I know, because I'm there.

This past Sunday, I began serving as a Connect Group leader (a/k/a Sunday School teacher) at my church. I have the privilege of teaching a wonderful group of ladies each Sunday morning. I was actually planning to be the assistant teacher for this class last spring and met these women for the first time the week before Chris died. But, May 4 changed everything.

I had to temporarily pull away from ministry of any kind. I was in no condition to minister, but I needed ministering to on many levels. I am also a speaker, and shockingly I was able to share even if only for two 3-5 minute segments this past July...just two months after my husband went to Heaven. Even then, God spoke through me, because I wasn't ready for ministry.

I look back at some of the blog posts I've written these last (nearly) 7 months, and I know those words had to be from Him...I hardly remember writing them.

But, this past September, I began sensing a change. I knew God was preparing me for ministry again. I began to doubt Him. I knew He gave me a story to share, and I need to be a good steward of that story, but does He really think I'm ready to serve again?

He was relentless. He wouldn't stop pursuing me. He clearly spoke to my heart that I was acting like Jonah and trying to escape his plans for me. Seriously? OK...I gave in.

What is it Lord? What do I need to do?

Leave your Connect Group at church and return to the ladies group, as a participant. I'll guide your every step.

Not that! Please...don't make me leave my comfort zone. This was my class with Chris. This is the class that has supported me every step of the way since May 4. I'm afraid I'll be a burden to the ladies. Let me just stay where I'm at.

I'm not asking you to teach (yet)...just obey me and return to that class. I'll take care of the rest.

And, I reluctantly (yes, I admit the reluctance) obeyed. I told my Connect Group friends "goodbye" and begged them to not forget me. You'd think I was moving to Tibet or something. I was just going a few doors down the hall. But, it was hard. Or so I thought...

As soon as I walked into the door that first time back in mid-October, I felt an overwhelming peace wash over me. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. And, so I sat under the teaching of my friend, Lorie, for several weeks before the call came.

One of our pastors called me in early November to let me know that Lorie would be stepping down from her teaching position to ready her family for an out-of-state move. Would I pray about taking over the class?

And...there it was. I knew the answer already, but I agreed to pray anyway. The very next week, I called Pastor Bill up and said "yes". I knew it was all part of God's greater plan. If I said no, I would be disobeying Him. I couldn't do that. I shared my Jonah story with him, and we both laughed at how God so clearly reveals Himself to us sometimes - even when we refuse to believe Him.

And so...this past Sunday was my first day teaching the class. It felt SO good to be in the servant seat again. It felt so good to be giving instead of always receiving. And, in doing so...I believe I climbed up another rung on the healing ladder!

To God be all the Glory!

Thanksgiving Praises!

2011-11-28T06:00:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving Day morning - my girl and me!

Thanksgiving came...and went! All-in-all...I think I did surprisingly well for my first Thanksgiving as a new widow.

We traveled about 3 1/2 hours away to enjoy the festivities with friends. With only one exception that I can recall (last year), we've spent Thanksgiving with the Hampson family every single year since 2003. We've created many Thanksgiving traditions throughout that time, but in recent years...our lineup has looked something like this...

Wednesday evening - Travel and arrive at the Hampson home. Unpack and laugh, laugh, laugh.

Thursday morning - Chris and Brett rise at the crack of dawn to go hunting. Kandi, Leah, and the other "womenfolk" start working on the food festivities. After returning from the "big hunt" - Chris and Brett would head for the newspaper run. Gotta get their gals the sales ads! We also have the Macy's T-giving Day parade playing in the background.

Thursday early afternoon - EAT!!! And football!

Thursday late afternoon - Chris and Brett would go out hunting again. The ladies head to Michael's - (up until this year) one of the few stores opened BEFORE Black Friday. We have specific things we look for every single year at Michael's but not without our coupons handy!

Thursday evening - Eat more. Play games. Crash early to be able to get up pre-dawn for Black Friday shopping.

Friday morning - Men head to the woods for more hunting (and hopefully "finding"). Women head to the stores for hunting of their own (bargain hunting, that is).

Friday evening - Games and laughter! Early to bed after a long day of hunting and shopping!

Saturday morning - Head home to start decorating for Christmas!

This year looked similar to years prior with the biggest exception - NO Chris!

--Brett hunted alone.

--Kandi went for the newspaper run.

--I watched Chris' favorite NFL team (Green Bay Packers) beat the Detroit Lions without him.

--Upon waking (alone) in my bed, the first person I spoke to that morning was the Lord, my new husband.

We spoke of Chris often. We laughed over funny memories we shared with my "Superman". But, it was evident. We all missed him.

I never had a full blown "meltdown" - praise God for that! I shed many tears in private, but all-in-all I was able to smile quite a bit. This would have been completely impossible with the prayers of so many people. Boy - I know that too well!

I'm so thankful God carried me through this special day, and I continue to pray for more of the same all the days leading up through Christmas. That was always Chris' favorite holiday!

I miss him more now than ever it seems!

My First Thanksgiving as a Widow

2011-11-24T06:30:00.007-05:00

It's here. Another of the many days I've been awaiting with guarded anticipation. My first Thanksgiving as a widow. In truth, I don't like this place I find myself. I don't like being a 39-year-old widow (yes - I'm still 39 for another month or so...ha!). I see the Norman Rockwell paintings of families on Thanksgiving Day, and mine looks nothing like that. But, God's plans for me are better...always better! I'm trusting in that fully. I don't have to like it, but I love Him, and I trust Him. And so...I CHOOSE to be thankful today.

In reflecting on this first Thanksgiving as a widow, I made a list of 10 things I'm so thankful for. Sure - there are many, many more. But, here are 10! I also asked another new widow friend of mine if she would consider sharing 10 things that she's also thankful for on this, her first Thanksgiving without her hubby by her side, also. Cindy Cain said she would be delighted to do so. Interestingly...ours are similar in many respects! :-)

It is our desire that no matter what you've gone through this year, what you're enduring right now, what tragedies might be creeping up to your doorstep even as this is typed...our prayer is that you can CHOOSE to be thankful despite these circumstances. And know...PLEASE know...God loves you so much, and His plans are ALWAYS better, even if that's hard to see right now.

My friend, Cindy Cain

Cindy Cain – 10 Things I am Thankful for Despite Loss:
1 – Reflecting on this year, I cannot help but to list the thing I am most thankful for - my relationship with my Savior. The motto that my husband and I lived by is: “Through It All, Faith”. Well, this year I am thankful that Through It All, God Is Faithful!!!! No matter what, God is Faithful.

2 – This year, more than ever, I am thankful for the gift of adoption and my two sons. God chose them for us, and I could not be more thankful for the precious ones He placed in my life.

3 – I am thankful for being blessed with more than 30 years of living life with my beloved, who now spends his days with Jesus. Though the past 11 months have been extremely difficult, I cannot help but be thankful for all of the years we had together, for the memories those years hold and for a sound mind that is able to recall those treasured moments.

4 – How could I not be thankful for the beautiful granddaughters God has given to my family and of course the blessing of another grandchild coming in May 2012? They are precious reminders of His Faithfulness and Love.

5 – Freedom! Though the freedom we have to worship openly in the United States is being challenged on a daily basis, I am still grateful for its viability.

6 – Provision! God does not promise that we will never have trials or tribulations but He does promise to provide our needs as we walk this journey on earth. This year He has not only provided our needs, He has also chosen to bless us in creative ways that could only come from His hand.

7 – Work! Yes, I am thankful for work! It is a privilege to get up 4 days a week and join a group of ladies who have one purpose for their day and that is to minister to the needs of sick children and their families. I am grateful for my job and the blessings it provides in my life.

8 – Peace! In the midst of unspeakable pain God has given me peace. Peace in knowing that He is more than enough No. Matter. What!!

9 – Opportunities! While I have spent a good amount of time shedding tears of loss and sadness, God has given me numerous opportunities to worship Him and glorify Him through my grief walk. He has also given me opportunities to be a light in a lost and hurting world by trusting Him to walk this journey with me while allowing others to be blessed through sharing, caring and being available to speak truth into their lives.

10 – JOY! Though true Joy has come in small doses during the past 11 months, I am continually thankful for its presence. Understanding the difference between joy and happiness has been a learning process. Within the unhappy moments of my life there is an underlying Joy which pulses from the depths of my soul. It comes from a knowing that God is in control and this life is but a momentary blip of my forever with Him. For that Joy and promise I am most thankful.

Chris & Me - Thanksgiving Day 2007

Ten Things I'm Thankful for on This First Thanksgiving as a Widow:
1 - My Savior. Without Him, I am nothing. I could never walk this Grief Road without Him. He is my Life Preserver. My Anchor. He is my source of Pure Joy.

2 - Anna. My beautiful daughter. Her laughter and her smile lights up my life. Her passion for the poor at such a young age astounds me. Her love for the Lord is contagious. Sure - she's imperfect, but she's perfect for me! God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed her in my life!

3 - My support network of friends and family. Astounding. Amazing. God has blessed my socks off with love from people all over this world (YES - world!). I am totally undeserving of this kind of love being poured out upon me, but I am oh so very thankful!

4 - My country. Granted, things are a bit of a mess right now, but I'm still proud to be an American. I'm still thankful that I can profess the name of Christ without being in fear for my life. That I can worship corporately and publicly and not hidden out of fear.

5 - My job at Blue Ridge Broadcasting. It was no "coincidence" that I received an offer to go to work for this blessed organization on the very day that Chris took his life. Even on the day that my heart was about to be shattered by the one I love, the One that loves me most was already weaving together His next step in His greater plan for me.

6 - Ministry opportunities. WOW! Just WOW! God is beginning to open doors for me that I never dreamed would be open again or even for the first time. And, what He's revealing to me is that NOW is the time He's been preparing me for...NOW is the time He's planning to use me to minister to others in very unique ways. I no longer ask "why now?"...I just walk through the doors He tells me to walk through.

7 - Grief. Yes - I'm thankful for this emotional monster. With it, I am learning to be more mercy-filled and compassionate. With it, I am more understanding of others going through similar journeys. With it, I am more patient. With it, I am more humble. With it, I am learning and trying to be more Christ-like.

8 - Heaven. I've always looked forward to Heaven, but now I LONG for Heaven. I dream of Heaven. I can't wait for Heaven. And...I'm so thankful that this life is just a smidgen of time compared to eternity. And to think...God is preparing a place for me RIGHT NOW...a very special place! I'm so thankful to have Heaven to look forward to. Thank you Jesus for saving me!

9 - Laughter. Oh, I am so thankful for laughter. God has truly surrounded me with people that know how to make me laugh. It truly is healing medicine for me!

10 - You. Yes...I'm thankful for you. I'm astounded that so many of you continue to stop by here as often as you do and take time to read the little nuggets that I write (depressing as they are sometimes). You encourage me. You uplift me. You delight me. You keep me going on difficult days. You are being the hands and feet of Jesus to me! Thank you!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Never Alone

2011-11-23T07:00:00.001-05:00

I can't tell you how many times I've replayed Tuesday night, May 3, in my mental CD player - over and over and over.

Track 1 - Can't get Chris to respond to my texts or calls
Track 2 - Something's wrong - need help
Track 3 - At the police station filing a missing person's report
Track 4 - Back home waiting on a pastor friend to arrive
Track 5 - Driving all over the fog-filled Blue Ridge Parkway roads looking for Chris' missing truck
Track 6 - Realized it was no longer Tuesday, May 3
Track 7 - Worrying that Chris is all alone, hurt, scared, cold, wondering why I haven't found him

Track 7 is the one that I now have the answer to, but it's also the one I keep playing, because I often wonder...

How long was he alone before he made the choice to end his life?

Was he crying? Was he stoic? Did he pray?

Was he cold - it was such an usually ugly weather night?

Did he think about me? Did he think about Anna?

Was he scared? Did he ever feel abandoned?

Why oh why couldn't somebody have been there to stop him? Why?????????

And then...He speaks to me again...like He has so often these last 6 1/2 months.

My precious daughter, I was with him the entire time. Just like I've promised over and over, I will never, ever leave you or forsake you, I NEVER left Chris and was there as he took his final breath on earth and entered my presence in Heaven. I can answer every single one of the questions you keep asking yourself, but it truly doesn't matter now - does it? Just rest in the fact that Chris was never alone. Never. I whispered to him many times that evening, just like I'm whispering to you now. And, I tenderly held him. Just know this...he told you this himself in his last email to you...never doubt how much he loved you. Daughter, let that be enough to satisfy those unanswered questions. But...even more...never doubt how much I love you. Chris was never alone. And...what's more...neither are you my beloved! Even now, I'm catching those tears as they fall from your eyes. I. Am. Right. Here. Feel my Presence surrounding you - just like I did for Chris the night of May 3.

If Trees Could Talk

2011-11-22T06:17:00.003-05:00

"I've been told this day was coming for many months now. My Creator announced to me in August that He had a very special plan for me...so special, in fact, that it would require my leaving the only home I've ever known...forever. My home...this beautiful farm displayed with so many of my pine-scented friends. Some have been growing here for over a decade. Others are just new saplings. But me? I'm almost 10 feet tall, so I've seen a lot of friends and family leave our homeplace through the years. I've gotten used to it actually, but it never really hit me that my day might actually come too. Until today. Even after my Creator told me several months ago, I never really thought it would happen until now.

I wondered if it would hurt. You know...when they take that loud buzzing thing and cut me from my base. I've seen it happen so much...the noise...the topple...the dust. But does it hurt?

But, Creator tells me that somebody else...a lady...has been hurting a lot more than what I'll experience today. In fact, He tells me that the small sting I might experience in the process is worth it for the joy that it will bring this lady. I don't know why she hurts, but Creator tells me He needs me to do this for Him, because He loves her so and wants to see that smile on her face when she sees me for the first time.

I knew her voice the first time I heard it. I can't explain how I knew it was her...I just did. She kept looking at lots of trees all around me but seemed so disappointed. I often heard her mutter to her friends that were with her, 'I know I'll know which one it is when I see it.' Was she talking about me? Was she looking for me?

I could feel her footsteps getting closer, and then I saw her, and her face beamed with joy when she took her first look at me. Creator affirmed it was her.

This is the one, my beloved creation. I need you to go live in her home for the next 6 weeks and bring her abundant joy.

I don't know how to do that?

Just by being there.

He whispered a few more things to me...something about her husband now being with Him in Heaven, something about her sadness over the upcoming Christmas season, a little about how she's expecting me to bring her a lot of joy and how many of her friends and family have sent her many items to adorn me with.

I want to feel honored to be in this role. I really do. But, I'm a little sad, because my own death is near. Is this what it's come to for me? All of these years in this beautiful place to be over in about 6 weeks (provided she generously waters me daily)?

But, my wise Creator shared one more thing with me that clearly told me why I had to do this (and why I should be honored at the opportunity...

He reminded me that often it takes death of one thing to bring life to another."

Me and my 'Chris Tree'!

The Right Side of the Couch

2011-11-21T06:15:00.000-05:00

I sat down on the couch and turned on the remote to browse for television "background noise". I pulled my laptop closer, as I planned to spend time editing some pictures I took for a friend recently. And then I realized it. Something so minor to the "normal" person but yet so profound to this grieving widow. Actually, two significant events just took place, and I almost didn't realize it until God pointed them out to me.

1) I turned on the TV. I. Turned. On. The. TV. This is HUGE! You're probably thinking this lady has really flipped out now! Just stick with me for a minute, and I'll explain.

The night my husband disappeared, the day before he was found dead, we had our usual Tuesday night family activity planned...watching The Biggest Loser! Instead of watching The Biggest Loser, I was driving around our city looking for my husband, knowing that something had to be wrong - he never missed our Tuesday Biggest Loser night! Since my husband's passing, I haven't watched any TV. The TV has been on some but only if my daughter has turned it on or if visiting friends have turned it on - but not by my own hand.

And so...Friday night, I sat down and turned on the TV. Granted, I turned it on to some digital music channel (just for the white noise), but I used the remote and turned it on nonetheless.

2) Not only did I turn on the TV, but I sat on the right side of the couch. Again, you're probably wondering "what in the world"? Whenever Chris and I sat together on the couch, or cuddled on the couch, or better yet - fell asleep on the couch...he was always on the left...me on his right! We were such creatures of habit. However, after his death, I sat on the left side. Always. I think it was my way of drawing closer to him in some strange sort of way. I even slept on the couch for the first couple of weeks after He went to Heaven, and I always laid my head in the exact place where he would sit.

But, Friday night...I went back to the right hand side of the couch - where I always sat before. Again, it was completely without forethought. I just plopped down, picked up the remote, and it was then the Lord whispered to my heart,

"Look at you now my daughter! Look at where you are and what you're doing!"

I sat slightly stunned. And, He continued...

"You may think this is insignificant, but it's very significant. You keep saying you need to see with your eyes the healing I'm doing in your heart. Take a look and see my child. Take a look..."

The right side of the couch...the remote...and a smile on my face! Thank you Father!

Surprising Question from an Unlikely Person

2011-11-15T23:08:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it. I'm not the most observant person...especially when it comes to remembering what people where wearing. (Ironically, I'm very much a visual learner.) I've always said that I would probably never be able to identify a criminal in a lineup or anything of the sort, because I struggle to remember the details of what someone might have looked like or might have been wearing.

I came face to face with this deficit of mine when having to describe to the police back in May (when my husband was still considered missing) what he was wearing when he left the house that morning. I honestly couldn't remember. I was mortified that my memory lack might hinder the investigation. As it turned it, he was found anyway.

Interestingly, I have been wearing a very special pendant almost everyday since about a month after Chris died. It's quite unique, and I had never even heard of this type of thing until the funeral home offered it as a service to me. It's called a thumbie. Yes. A thumbie. Simply put, it's an impression of a portion of my husband's actual thumbprint. The funeral home offered to capture his thumbprints for me and keep them on file in case I wanted to capture it in memory form (via the thumbie) down the road someday. I did ask them to go ahead and do that, and I would look into it later.

It wasn't much later before I ordered my own thumbie pendant. You have no idea how much comfort that is around my neck. It might sound silly, but it is such a treasure to be able to reach up and rub that little thing and actually feel the ridges of my husband's print. What a treasure!

Like me...however...there are a lot of non-observant people in this world. Or - maybe they're are just afraid to ask about it, because I've been wearing it since June, and I think I've only had 3 people ever ask me about it. Two of them happened to be within this past week. But, the most unusual conversation I've had about it was tonight...at a Casting Crowns concert.

Working for a radio station AND being shutterbug...I've had the privilege of being able to attend several station events as the photographer. Tonight was one of those nights. Casting Crowns is on their Come to the Well tour with Lindsay McCaul, The Afters, and Sanctus Real. I had the honor of being able to meet the various artists before the concert began. When it was time to meet the Casting Crowns members, I was beyond thrilled to meet the amazing songwriter, Mark Hall. Such a down-to-earth, humble man.

3 of the Casting Crowns members (lead singer Mark Hall in the center) with Jon Matthews and me

However, the most interesting conversation I had was with Juan DeVevo - guitarist and vocalist with Casting Crowns. He spotted my thumbie - kept staring at it actually and then asked the question, "What exactly is that you're wearing if I may ask?"

I thought he meant my station badge or nametag at first - ha! ha! - but, I quickly realized he was referring to my thumbie. I paused. Oh boy. I'm not often asked this question and certainly didn't expect a Casting Crowns band member to even look my way long enough to notice my necklace.

And, so I shared. I told Juan what it was...what it stood for...and briefly that my husband went home to be with the Lord in May. I think I shocked him actually. That wasn't the answer he was expecting, but he was so gracious with his response. And, I was so thankful that God gave me the grace to share about it without curling up into a ball of tears! He is so good to me!

You just never know who might be paying attention...

What a fun evening!

Me, Juan DeVevo, and Jon Matthews (I'm wearing the thumbie - you can see it if you look closely.)

Operation Meltdown Thwarted

2011-11-14T21:58:00.000-05:00

Nothing frustrates me more on this grief journey than trying to figure out what might trigger a meltdown. Just when I think I've mastered it...I'm surprised yet again. And, sadly, I know that grief is completely unpredictable...so, why am I even trying to figure everything out? Well...that's just my personality...to put it bluntly.

I'm Type A. I'm a recovering perfectionist. I'm a first born. I'm a planner. I'm organized (or at least I am in some settings - I used to be in EVERY setting). I'm just one of these "I've got to figure it all out" kind of gals. But, you know what? God is really trying to shake some of that out of me. And...He's succeeding perhaps more than ever before.

I'm realizing (even though I'm not happy about it) that I will never fully figure out this grief journey. I'm just having to walk it day by day (sometimes hour by hour), trusting that God will get me through each and every meltdown or panic attack and set my feet back upon the Rock when I stumble. Friends...that's hard for me to admit and even harder for me to accept. If there's a problem...I want to fix it. For me, grief is my "problem" right now, but there's nothing I can do to "fix it". I just have to go THROUGH it!

Saturday evening took me to a special gathering with some people I work with and a group of sweet guests. I had been looking forward to this night for weeks. But...

There's the "but" again...

As I drove the 8 miles from my house to the venue...I went from excited to sad to scared to practically panicky. The only thing that I can think of that triggered this was the fact that I realized Chris wouldn't be with me, and I would be attending something that would find me around lots of couples. No - I wasn't the only single lady there, but it didn't matter at the time. I was without Chris...and HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE WITH ME!!! Amongst the sadness, anger started to creep in a bit. I kept trying to suppress these irritating emotions. I had to pull myself together and quickly! I pulled into the parking lot, parked my car and sat there. Just sat there with my chest heaving...my mind racing...my heart fluttering...my eyes fighting back tears...my throat closing. What was happening to me? I couldn't move. I just sat. I watched couples walk into the building - hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm. Lord, I need help right now. Show me what to do.

I think I was on the verge of my first ever panic attack or perhaps just another meltdown.

Just then, I felt Him whisper to me to call in a couple of prayer warriors. And so...I sent 3 texts. Just 3. Only these 3 ladies and God knew what was happening in that moment. But, they prayed. They texted me words of comfort, and just when the enemy thought he had me in the palm of his hand...Operation Meltdown was thwarted. The prayers of faithful pulled me out...yet again!

And the Winner Is...

2011-11-11T06:00:00.001-05:00

First things first...without further ado...the winner of my Day 40 Blog Giveaway is (drumroll please)...

Kandi Hampson - 11/10 timestamp 6:35 pm

Congratulations Kandi! I'll be in touch to share with you how to download your free software package.

Now - just because the rest of you didn't win the full software package this time, I do want to pass along another discount/coupon option that My Memories has offered me for my readers! I'm crazy about their products, and I'd highly recommend you get the My Memories Suite for your very own (but, I know that coupons help!).

Here's how it works...

The code that I'm going to share momentarily provides a $10 discount off the purchase of the My Memories Suite v2 Scrapbook software AND a $10 coupon for the MyMemories.com store (a $20 value!).

Upon checkout, be sure to copy and paste this code to take advantage of the special discounts:

STMMMS14181

I'm going to make this blog post a short one today. The giveaway has been lots of fun! Thanks for participating!

Thanks again for SO many of you joining me on my 40-day consecutive blog writing journey. I have so much already brewing in my heart to share as I continue down Grief Road. I could almost start another 40-day journey, but I'm not going to do that just yet. :-)

In the meantime, be blessed sweet blog friends! You are loved!

A Ninth Without Tears

2011-11-10T06:00:00.001-05:00

Just a quick reminder: the Day 40 blog giveaway is still ongoing through 9:00 pm ET this evening! Check it out and be sure to enter if you haven't had a chance to do so yet!

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I've frequently written about the 9th. It's always been our special day each month. Chris and I married on an August 9th. But, we celebrated our marriage anniversary on EVERY 9th. Most of the time it was just in small ways, but it always included us watching our wedding video and him giving me flowers. Always. Always. Always.

Five days after Chris died, I experienced my first 9th. It happened to be the day after I buried his shell (on Mother's Day). The house was full of flowers, so I didn't really miss his flowers just yet, and my mind was too warped to even comprehend the fact that I wasn't watching our wedding video.

My second 9th without the love of my life (in June) came with a kiss from heaven. I received flowers from someone that had no idea what the day was but just felted prompted to bring them to me. I knew then that the Holy Spirit had written my name across her mind, and she delivered something more precious to me than she could have possibly known.

July 9th found me at out favorite place, the beach. I drove my sister-in-law down there for the day. We happen to live about 5 hours from the beach, but she lives in Kansas and had never seen the ocean with her own eyes before. Since they were in NC visiting, I knew we couldn't wait another day - she had to see it! It was a bittersweet day. My heart ached for my true love that day - more than ever!

The next month would have marked our REAL anniversary...in honor of our blessed wedding and the precious vows we exchanged. August 9th for me this year was not only the hardest 9th I've had to endure since Chris' death, but it was also one of the hardest days for me, in general. But, through all the pain and the buckets of tears, I felt loved immensely. God held me tight that day!

September 9th was lonely. It was another dark day for me.

October 9 found me in New Jersey and later on a flight home from Philadelphia. It also brought an interesting "heart to heart" talk with the Lord. I cried that 9th too, but God began a new type of healing on my heart. I could literally feel it.

And yesterday...my most recent 9th without Chris. I thought about him constantly. I received an anonymous gift of flowers on my front porch with a "Happy Anniversary" card. I loved them! I tell people all the time that cards and flowers are my "love language". :-) But, the most incredible miracle occurred. I never cried yesterday. I was sad but not overwrought with sadness. I was lonely but not overtaken with loneliness. It was a good day. A freeing day. A healing day.

Now, I know that December 9 could be completely different, but I'm thankful for the gift of today. It was a refreshing walk along Grief Road.

Day 40 is Here with a Giveaway!

2011-11-09T06:00:00.002-05:00

We're here friends. The end of my 40-day consecutive blog writing journey. I can't believe I'm going to actually say this, but out of the 3 times that I've done a 40-day journey like this - I do believe this one to be the easiest! Yes...you heard me right! Out of one of the most chaotic times of my life, I've found this to be very therapeutic and joy-filled. So, where do I go from here?

I don't want to make promises I'll have trouble keeping, but I will tell you my blogging goal from this point forward. My GOAL is to blog Monday through Friday. Yes - it's simply a goal. I'm not going to hold my perfectionistic self to that standard as a rule, because I'll fail...for sure. And, then I'll disappoint myself. So, it's goal. I'll do the best I can and simply leave it at that.

To end this 40th post on a fun note...I have a giveaway to announce!

It's not too hard to see that I'm all about making memories. An avid scrapbooker, it's always been a passion of mine, but with my husband's death, I'm even more bent (if that's possible) on preserving memories, hence my Chris Tree project, among other things.

Very recently, I was introduced to My Memories, the #1 rated scrapbook software. For those of you not into scrapbooking, don't look the other way just yet. You just might be surprised! As a paper scrapbooker for years, I've been hesitant to even try digital scrapbooking. It just seemed to take the creativity out it for me. But, I said that - assumed that - without even trying a digital scrapbooking program. Until now...

My Memories gives you the ability to simply pop in your digital pictures into an already pre-designed template if you lack the time or creative juices to try anything else. That's a perfect solution for busy people that want to capture photo memories in a creative format (like a scrapbook) but don't have the know-how or drive to do so.

However, My Memories also offers the ability to create your own design. Simply start with a blank slate - of various size pages - and, be as creative as your mind allows! Here are two of my own "start from scratch" creations:

Friends, these were sooooo easy to make - trust me! And, they weren't even from a template! With My Memories, you can not only create digital scrapbook pages, but you can also do cards, calendars, photobooks, etc. So many possibilities! Now that I've gone on and on about this software...let me tell you about the giveaway.

The folks at My Memories have donated one free My Memories Suite (a $40 value) for me to giveaway on my blog. You actually have a couple of opportunities to enter, but you can't do #2 without doing #1:

1) First of all, please visit My Memories and then come back here and leave a comment telling me your favorite digital paper pack or scrapbooking kit.

2) Either start following My Memories Suite on Twitter by clicking here or "Like" their Facebook page by clicking here - OR do both! After doing so...come back and leave a SECOND comment telling me you've done so. This will get you entry #2 in the giveaway.

That's all there is to it! The giveaway will run today and through 9:00 pm ET Thursday. The winner will be announced on Friday's blog post. Be sure to enter and share the giveaway with your friends.

There will only be one winner, but I'll also announce on Friday a huge discount opportunity for anyone that doesn't win and chooses to still purchase the software or anything from the My Memories store. So, be sure to check back on Friday!

Thank you for taking part in this 40-day consecutive blogging journey with me! It would have been very lonely without you! Let's continue the journey together...shall we?

11 More Days

2011-11-08T12:00:00.001-05:00

It’s only 11 more days until my Chris Tree arrives. In one of our favorite holiday traditions, we’ll be traveling about an hour further up into the mountains to a beloved tree farm that we go to each year to cut our own tree. My husband was passionate about having a LIVE tree, so I’ll actually be getting two this year – our “normal” family tree and now the Chris Tree. We usually go the weekend after Thanksgiving to procure the trees, but I’m actually going with some dear friends that will help me bring them back home, and the weekend before just works better. I’ll be watering those babies well to keep them nice and fresh through Christmas!

Thank you to so many of you that have generously participated in this project with me by donating ornaments for the tree. You have no idea how much that has blessed my heart! Chris would have been blown away by this kind of Christmas love, and I pray that God allows him a glimpse of it from heaven. If you are still planning to participate, feel free to email me for the address to mail your ornament to (leahgillen89@yahoo.com). I’ll still be placing ornaments on the tree long after it’s decorated, so it doesn’t have to arrive by the 19th.

Lastly, I’m still collecting addresses for my Christmas card list this year! I would love to send you a card from our family (my girl and me)! It’s something that brings me a lot of joy during the Christmas season. If I don’t already have your mailing address, and you would like to receive a card from us, then please email me your address, and I’ll make sure to add you to our list!

Please pray for us as we enter this first holiday season without Chris. Please pray that Thanksgiving is FULL of us GIVING GOD THANKS for the multiple blessings He’s given us. Please pray that I don’t dwell on what I don’t have (my husband) but give thanks that due to the security I have in my eternity – I’ll be reunited with him again someday soon.

Please pray that I won’t feel loneliness – especially the closer we get to Christmas. This holiday was a BIG deal with Chris…a VERY BIG deal! From decorations, to baking, to watching Christmas movies, to traditions – we celebrated Jesus’ birthday BIG! Please pray that I can still celebrate BIG!

Tomorrow will be Day 40 of this consecutive blog-writing journey. I can’t believe it’s already here! I began this journey with a giveaway, and I plan to end it with a giveaway as well! So be sure to come back and see what I’ll be giving away!

I treasure you, my blog friends! You bring light into my dark days!

Worship God Anyway!

2011-11-07T11:45:00.000-05:00

Several Sunday afternoons/evenings for the past couple of months, you might find me at my friend, Jill's, house. Jill and I have been friends for right at about 7 years. She was my first Sunday School teacher after moving back to the area and attending the church we do now. We've discovered through the years that we have a lot in common, and even though Jill serves at another church now, we've remained in touch.

As a matter of fact, Jill was at my home when the news of Chris' death was delivered to me.

She's a divorced, single mom and has been for many years, but her single mom status has never kept her from doing for others and being a faithful friend to me. She delivered casseroles to our family after two surgeries that I had fairly recently. She and her college-aged daughter came over and cleaned the house for us in the early weeks following Chris' death. She helped to financially support my mission trip to Africa in June, 2010 - even though I know she lives within a VERY tight budget. She's prayed for me on countless occasions - a gift no price tag can be placed upon!

And so...about a month after Chris died, I received her news. I was shocked and saddened to learn my friend had been diagnosed with breast cancer! Honestly, I've known of many, many people that have had cancer, but Jill is the first single lady close to me that I knew to receive the diagnosis.

I immediately prayed...for the obvious...HEALING! But, I also prayed that she would be surrounded by love and care! As I know all too well, it's very difficult to be single and go through something so tragic. I prayed she wouldn't have to beg for help but that people would simply respond. They would not wait to be asked but would do the asking. It's so hard to ask for help, but people can't read your mind also, so I prayed that God would give Jill strength to ask when needed but would allow His Spirit to speak to those in her support network to do SOMETHING...anything!

She's shared that she's been abundantly blessed with a large support system! Praise God! But, she's also been very lonely in recent days. Jill admits that having visitors helps to take her mind off the pain from the chemo.

And, so I visit. I love to visit as much as I can on Sunday afternoons. We never seem to have a loss of conversation. We each share about the painful journeys we're walking right now, although drastically different (yet interestingly similar).

Yesterday was a difficult day for Jill. She was in a lot of pain and nausea had returned (that had amazingly been gone since being on this new chemo drug). She was exhausted. And yet...she still wanted to worship! She expressed that she hadn't been able to worship God with anyone else in quite awhile, as she's usually very sick on Sundays. Therefore, would I consider doing her cancer Bible study with her? Of course! I would love to - any chance to study the Word with someone gets me giddy (even in these difficult circumstances).

She hands me her Bible and the study book opened to that day's study. She then shared, "You're going to think I planned this, but I promise I didn't." I looked down at the title of the lesson...Worship God Anyway! We had just finished talking about this very thing. I shared that sometimes I just gravitate towards God - not getting enough of Him. But there are the other days. The ones when my grief seems so thick that I can hardly get out of bed, let alone spend time in worship, but I have to do it anyway.

And...here it was, staring me in the face. I smiled. That God of mine...such a sense of humor He has! As I read her study aloud to her...I'm the one that's blessed! I see scripture over and over that reinforces the concept of worshiping God anyway! And then I see THAT scripture...the one that has been following for me around for awhile...the one that I even used on my husband's funeral program:

Habakkuk 3:17-18

Though the fig tree does not bud
   and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
   and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
   and no cattle in the stalls,
YET I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior. (emphasis added by me)

YET...I will rejoice! YET...I will worship! YET...I will praise Him!

Even through the tears...I worship Him.
Even on the Tuesdays and Wednesdays (my hardest days each week)...I worship Him.
Even on this Monday, as I battle a nasty stomach bug...I worship Him.
Even though I don't know how I'll get through my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my Chris...I will worship Him.

Even when I don't feel like it...YET...I choose to worship God anyway!

Full Circle

2011-11-06T23:10:00.000-05:00

Good late evening blog friends! Better late than never. There's still a little less than an hour left in this day (on the East coast, that is), so I haven't skipped a post yet on this 40-day journey. Whew! But...I wonder how many of you are out there thinking I did right about now?? Ha! Ha!

As God would have it, he's allowing me to see a little more of His hand in my life with this "Gilgal thing" that I referenced in yesterday's VLOG post. To know more, either watch that video post or simply read about in Joshua 4 and 5.

In a very quick summary...Gilgal was the first stop on the Israelites journey into the Promised Land. It was the place where God essentially brought them "full circle".

Full circle...hmmm....I have recently had an opportunity to witness God doing that in my life in a very specific way. A few weeks before my husband died, I was asked to be an assistant teacher for a women's Sunday morning class at our church. I was excited about this opportunity to serve in my own church, because it seems that so often as a speaker, I have the opportunities to serve more in other churches or places of ministry. To be able to teach and share in my church is an absolute blessing.

I attended that first class back on May 1, when my friend Lorie and I were initially introduced to the class. We were so excited to be joining this amazing group of women and to be able to serve together as teachers of God's Word (my FAVORITE thing to teach)!

But...

My life shattered just 3 days later, when my husband's lifeless body was discovered, and my journey down Grief Road began. I didn't return to the class after that. I needed to go back to my place of "comfort" - the class my husband and I had attended together since we were first married. These were the very people that discovered my husband after his suicide...the very people that cared for me in the days, weeks, and months following Chris' death...the very people I've been doing life with for quite awhile. I had to go back to that class. There was nothing left of me to give to anyone else at that point.

As the weeks have passed, God has been speaking VERY clearly to me about returning to this class. But, I thought...Lord, you must be kidding. I certainly must not be hearing you correctly. What do I have to offer - especially now?

He never stopped pursuing me. He actually led me to the book of Jonah to study, and I studied Jonah from late May through mid-September. I know...I know...how can one person study four little chapters for that long? Trust me...it's possible. I kept wondering why I couldn't get out of the book of Jonah...why I couldn't move on...you know, to something else - anything else?

And then...I got it. God wanted me to see how I was running from my own "divine interruption". Just as God divinely interrupted Jonah's life by asking him to go to Ninevah, Jonah ran and tried to sail to Tarshish. Much like Jonah, God clearly told me to return to that class back in June, but I didn't want to...I wanted to stay in my own place of comfort...in my old class. I was clearly disobeying. Clearly. It's not that this ladies' class is composed of "Ninevites". Quite the contrary, actually. It was just a symbol of me running from what God had clearly commanded me to do. I was Jonah, trying to sail to Tarshish rather than obey God and go to Ninevah.

But, in early October, I changed. I obeyed. I said "goodbye" to my old class and by mid-October, I walked back into my new class, but this time as an attendee - not with the intention of teaching (or so I thought...).

A couple weeks ago, the pastor over these classes at our church called me and informed me that Lorie would be stepping down as the class teacher, as her family would be moving out-of-state in the next month or so (I knew about the move - just didn't know when she would be leaving the class as teacher). And then came THE question...the one God had been preparing me for by asking me to return to that class..."Leah, will you pray about taking this class? I really think you have a lot to offer this group, especially in light of what God's been teaching you these last few months."

Oh boy. Here it was. God...is this what Jonah was all about?

I promised to pray. I promised to call him the next week with an answer.

I did. I answered. I'm obeying. And, this morning, we announced to the class that God would be moving me into that role at the end of this month. November 27 will be my first day back in the role of "teacher". Please pray for me. I want nothing more than to serve God well and glorify Him completely! Thank you friends!

P.S. A little funny...my 4th grade teacher is in this class! Talk about "full circle"! :-)

Vlogging from the Cemetery

2011-11-05T20:09:00.000-04:00

Not Gonna Stop Me This Time

2011-11-04T06:05:00.001-04:00

In February, 2009 - I was registered to run/walk in my first race. It happened to be the Myrtle Beach Dasani Half-Marathon. I'd never even participated in a 5K before, and here I was registered for a half-marathon. Yes, I might have been a bit crazy, but I'm not usually one to turn down a challenge. My friend, Kandi, thought I could walk it with her and another friend. So, that's what we set out to do...a walk/run version for our first half-marathon.

Sometime throughout the training process, I developed intense pain in my left foot and toes. It kept getting worse and really started hindering my training. I ended up being referred to an orthopedic foot specialist. After extensive testing, I was diagnosed with tarsal tunnel syndrome (the foot version of the wrist counterpart - carpal tunnel). Additionally, I actually had stenosis in my back which was causing some of the pain in my toes. Falling apart in my thirties...great.

I ended up bowing out of the race, and Kandi went without me. :-( I had surgery just two months later, which took about 18 months to completely heal from. Yeah - a doozy.

Last winter, I was challenged again. This time - a 5K (a little more reasonable for my first race...ha!). Some of the back/toe pain returned, but I pushed through. I was determined to do this thing, even if I couldn't run all of it, but that was my goal.

I trained through the late winter and early spring. The race day was May 7. I was excited and couldn't wait to finally complete my first 5K. But, tragedy struck. Again. And, again...I had to bow out. This time, for my husband's funeral (the same day as the 5K I was registered for). I felt defeated all over again.

And...then I got a "bright" idea just the other day. I wonder if that race will be sponsored again around the same time next year?! If so, wouldn't be super sweet to be able to run it - in memory of my precious Chris? I could ask people to join me. We could get t-shirts made and everything. The excitement started to build within me.

So, I contacted one of the race coordinators from last year to see if it was going to happen again. And the answer? YES! May 12, 2012 is the date for the 2nd annual Ramble Run in Asheville, NC. Registration will open sometime in January. And, you know what...I'm doing this thing! And, the enemy's NOT gonna stop me this time! Whether I run (my plan, of course), walk, or crawl...I'm doing this to honor Chris' memory. I know he would be so proud!

I've already had a good group of folks say they'd like to join me in this! So, I invite you to do the same. If you're interested in doing this 5K with me...come spend a spring weekend in the Western North Carolina mountains for Mother's Day Weekend, and let's meet up for a Saturday morning run! More details will follow after the holidays, but I'm serious. I'd love for you to join me! Just send me your email address, and I'll add you to my list! You can email me at leahgillen89@yahoo.com or simply leave a comment here.

Yet again...this will be something special to look forward to at what will be another difficult season - the one-year anniversary of Chris' death. But, nothing's gonna stop me this time!

Spring is Coming!

2011-11-03T06:09:00.001-04:00

No, I'm not completely crazy. I realize the season that follows autumn is winter. However, I'm not talking about those kinds of seasons. Rather...the seasons my grief.

I've had an epiphany of sorts over the last day or so. Living in the mountains of Western North Carolina, our winters can be quite varied. Some winters...like the last two, for instance...have been full of the "white stuff". Quite honestly, I grew up LOVING winter, and it's only been in recent years that it's become the season I choose to snub. In part, because of the white stuff. It's so difficult for me to get around in, and being stuck (or shall I say temporarily stranded in it) twice last winter sealed it's fate for any opportunity for reconciliation from me. I'm simply "over" winter. Our relationship was friendly while it lasted, but in the end...it got rather ugly.

However, we've also had winters...many more of them actually...where there was very little precipitation. It was just cold or mildly chilly. While still no fun, unless you're hot-natured (not me!), those winters are definitely more manageable. From my recollection, they typically don't last as long either.

I believe I've been in the grief season of winter for the last 6 months. It was exactly 6 months ago today that my husband was confirmed absent from the body and home with the Lord. My winter began...

These winter months of grief for me have been varied. I've lived through grueling blizzard after blizzard in the beginning. The blizzards tapered off into mild days of snow, shortly followed by a little sun peeking through the clouds on some cold days. Just when I think winter would be nearing its end, another snowstorm would come barreling through, often stranding me in a state of panic yet again. The snow would melt, the sun would peek through again, and spring would be soon to come...I could just sense it. But, I would be wrong again. This time...another blizzard, worse than before. Where am I now...Iceland? It never seems to stop snowing!

But, regardless of what I'm seeing and feeling, I KNOW spring is coming! It always does. I just have to wait a little bit longer. I may have to wear these snowboots until they're worn out. I may have to keep donning the hats, gloves, and scarves. I may have to keep the electric blanket on and the fire going. But, I KNOW spring is coming!

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday

2011-11-02T06:15:00.001-04:00

My feeling towards Wednesdays these days is even worse than the way I feel about Tuesdays.

In continuation from yesterday's post...

I think we left the police station sometime around 1:30 am on Wednesday. We left with the instructions, "we'll let you know if we hear anything". They also sent a car to our house to make sure my husband hadn't shown up there, in the meantime, while we were still at the station. Of course...that never happened.

Unfortunately, the cell phone pings indicated one of three counties could be involved - in addition to the forest service and park ranger service. We live just a few miles from the Blue Ridge Parkway, Pisgah National Forest and on the border of two counties with Pisgah in part of another. That meant...we were potentially in for a bureaucratic mess...indeed it was. The Parkway police would not be making "rounds" again until 7:00 am. I couldn't wait that long! I had to go look for him myself.

Lorie was the level-headed thinker between the two of us at this point. She thought ahead to call one of our pastor friends and ask if he'd drive me around to look for Chris and/or his truck. She stayed at the house with my 14-year-old daughter, who'd been with us this entire time so far.

As Carl and I ventured out...it happened to be on the night of the last "cold spell" for the season. It was May 4, and we were driving around in temperatures in the low-thirties, rain followed by sleet & snow the higher we went in elevation. The fog was so dense we could hardly see 6 inches in front of us. I kept thinking, how are we going to see Chris' truck in this dense fog? But, I knew I had to try.

We returned to the house several hours later with nothing...no leads...nothing.

Lorie and I stayed up (who could sleep at a time like this anyway) and just talked, questioned and then started to formulate a plan. We needed help. The police weren't going to be the ones to help us.

Soon after, Chris' mother and sisters arrived from Virginia. They took off in search of him too but made a first stop at his work to fill in his co-workers (they run a third shift, so we knew somebody would be there that early). They, too, were in shock.

We decided around 5:30 in the morning...we were going to explode this thing using social media, emails, and the local news.

Explode it did! I cried and cried. I couldn't believe the number of people willing to help us find my Chris. A friend of a friend even offered to take his plane up to look for him over the dense woods...and, he did just that.

I stayed at the house in case Chris came home or in case someone stopped by that had might have a lead we could explore. It was quite the hub of activity. People were in and out all day long. The phone dinged all day long with text messages, Facebook and Twitter alerts, and phone calls.

Then...the results of the plane fly-over...no Chris. BUT...there were two areas in the general vicinity of the cell phone pings that were simply too dense to see through by plane. When I heard where those two areas were...I knew they still had to be searched by car. They were two areas that Chris frequently hunted.

Within 15 minutes of a car headed to one of those locations...I got the call..."We found the truck. We'll call you back when we find Chris." My heart and stomach leaped for joy and sunk at the same time. FINALLY...we had SOMETHING. But, we didn't have Chris. Oh no...please let him just have a broken ankle or something and not be able to walk...please, God. Please God. Please God!

It was almost 2 hours later when they walked in the house. A group of some of my closest friends from church, and I could tell by the looks on their faces, it wasn't good. The shock was already setting in - ready to buffer my body for the news soon to follow. Carl looked at me and said, "Leah, do you have someplace we can go and talk?" He and another lady or two soon followed me into my bedroom and bathroom. I just had to get away from the 20 or so people gathered in the house at this point. I knew the news was not going to be good.

I remember very few specifics of what followed the next several hours. I remember bits and pieces of words, actions. Something like this...

I was told Chris had been found dead.
Chris had taken his own life.
Utter disbelief set in. This couldn't be the Chris I knew.
Pains erected from my stomach, went straight up into my heart and my throat that came out as moans, cries, and screams.
I couldn't stand. I couldn't sit. I could only lay down.
I remember people praying over me.
I remember my senior pastor kneeling by my side as he prayed.
I remember seeing my friend, Lorie, at my feet speaking powerful words to make the enemy flee.
I remember when the crying ceased, and I moved from my bathroom floor to bedroom floor where my daughter layed down beside me.
I had cried so much. I could only stare now. Shock. Deep shock.

At some point, I remember being in the living room again and seeing so many other faces for the first time. Someone then shared that the detectives had been outside waiting to speak with me (and had been for quite awhile)...could I speak with them now? Whatever.

They came in, paid their respects, asked a few very basic questions, confirmed the suicide and then said they'd be back next week. Whatever.

The funeral home director had also stopped by (a friend of mine actually).

I couldn't talk but one syllable words...maybe one or two a minute. Shock. Deep shock.

I don't know when it happened, but the later it got...exhaustion set in. I had been up for two straight days. I now knew where Chris was. I crawled up on the couch to lay down. I didn't care who was still there. Anna had already gone home with Lorie to stay with her family for a few days. So, it was just me and the friends that surrounded me. But, I physically couldn't do it anymore. I closed my eyes and slept the last few hours of Wednesday.

Tuesday

2011-11-01T11:25:00.000-04:00

Today is another Tuesday. I’ve come to not like them too much, because they remind me of the Tuesday that almost took my breath away 26 weeks ago. Here’s a little of what it looked like that day…

My husband kissed me goodbye, as he left for work before my feet even touched the floor – nothing different about today – our typical routine.

Not too long after, my daughter and I are dressed and off to school and work, respectively.

After getting settled in at work, I read my emails – including my morning “love email” from my husband. Such the romantic – that man of mine!

A few hours into my work day, I received a call that I had dreamed of getting. I had been offered a position at Blue Ridge Broadcasting (106.9 the Light). I had been praying about this for awhile and knew I was ready to accept if offered the position.

My current bosses stayed in meetings most of the day, and so I skipped lunch in hopes of catching them then to deliver my resignation. My hubby and I would normally talk at lunch, but I just sent him a quick text letting him know my dilemma. He understood and just asked me to keep him posted.

At 3:30, I was finally able to text my husband and let him know that I would be meeting with my bosses soon. He responded with a short, but sweet text reply. Little did I know that would be the last text message I would ever receive from him.

By 5:45, my resignation had been delivered and was graciously and understandably accepted. I packed up to head home for the day and called my Chris on the way home. No answer. Hmmm…that’s a bit strange, because he should be home by now. But, he’d been working late for a few days getting ready for meetings later that week.

After 30 minutes of no reply (completely unlike him), I called his work phone. Again, nothing. Then I texted him at both cell numbers. Nothing.

By this time, I’m home and beginning to worry. I pray. I pray hard. Lord, I don’t know what to do.

I started texting and calling friends of mine to pray that he would respond and turn up soon. At this point, I know they thought I was being a little ridiculous. Soon, we would learn that not to be the case.

I decided to check our bank account online to see if he had stopped to get gas yet. He mentioned in his last text to me that he needed to stop and do that. Sure enough…he did so around 5:45…about the time I tried to first call him. Strange. Well, maybe his phone is not acting right.

Finally, around 7:00 pm, I took off in the car…I drove around everywhere looking for his truck. I went to the gas station where he pumped gas. I went to the grocery store he frequents, the gym we work out at, his workplace…everyplace I could think he might be. No Chris.

Now I was beyond worried…I was panicked. I called a couple of friends, and they could now sense the true panic. My friend, Lorie, offered to come over (even though she lives 40 minutes away). I didn’t care…I needed her there…anyone there! In the meantime, she and I both called all of the area and regional hospitals in case he’d been brought in. Nothing.

(As I type these words…these feelings well up inside me all over again. They are almost suffocating.)

Finally, we head to the police station about 10:00 – after talking with one of the sergeants on the phone. I could tell this was routine for them. What I could not explain clearly or loudly enough… “THIS IS NOT ROUTINE FOR ME!!!!” Something was wrong with my husband. They just had to help me find him.

After confirming, by surveillance, that he was at the gas station I told them he was at pumping gas, they did the “usual”. Send out squad cars to the local hotels to make sure he wasn’t there in some kind of secret rendezvous. Sickening. I know this was protocol, but it just sickened me. In the meantime, he could have had a wreck, ran off the side of the road and be laying there begging for help. Or maybe he’d had a heart attack. Instead…they were working hard to find him “shacked up” with somebody at a local hotel. I was so angry but went along with their agenda. I’ll prove them wrong!

Then, the cell phone pings…finally able to find a general location of where Chris might be. Unfortunately, it was a broad location in the middle of the woods. But…not anywhere close to these hotels they’d been searching.

I look down at the time on my cell phone…it was after midnight…no longer Tuesday.

To be continued…

Thank You

2011-10-31T15:00:00.000-04:00

It’s hard to believe that, including today, there are exactly 10 blogging days left of this 40-day adventure. No worries – I don’t intend to fall of the blog-wagon after I complete this. I’ve actually been praying about that – how much does God actually want me to blog anyway? He’s making that clear, and I’ll share more about that the end of this journey.

But, in all honesty…it hasn’t been all that difficult this time around. Maybe I just have more to share. Maybe I enjoy writing again. Maybe…well, who knows? I just know that most days, I look forward to coming to this little cozy cyber space and pouring out my heart. Even more, I always look forward to you joining me here. So, I just wanted to say THANK YOU!

Thank you for staying connected and walking with me on this Grief Road.

Thank you for being my cheerleaders with your words of encouragement, your heartfelt prayers, your comments, your private messages on Facebook and email.

Thank you to so many of you for taking part in my Chris Tree project – something very near and dear to my heart this year.

Thank you for your willingness to read and respond to my “ugly” posts as well as my not-so-ugly writings.
Thank you for being supportive of Anna during her guest posting about her last weekend with Chris.

Thank you to so many of you that have found sneaky little ways to bless me either at home or where I work with surprise flowers, cards, care packages, or singing telegrams (ok – well maybe not the last one – Ha! Ha!)

Thank you for giving me a chance to share my story…the good, the bad, and the ugly parts.

Thank you for participating in my Christmas card project. It’s not too late if you still would to be added to my Christmas card list. Just click here for more information.

Thank you for honoring Chris by taking care of his grieving wife.

Thank you for loving me and comforting me in a way that pleases Christ Jesus!

Simply, THANK YOU!!!!

Tennessee Trek

2011-10-30T15:13:00.002-04:00

Late Friday afternoon, I took off on another mini adventure. This time, my travel plans took me to middle Tennessee...first to Bon Aqua, a small rural town about an hour west of Nashville.

It was in Bon Aqua that I met (for the first time) my year-long friend, Deborah - or Quilter Extraordinaire, as I like to call her. I first came in contact with Deborah when working for another company. She and I were email buddies, as I regularly placed purchase orders from the company where she works.

Somehow, throughout this time, she discovered my blog and touched base with me through here and introduced me to her quilting blog and her devotional blog as well. (WOW...I was so impressed...she could keep up with TWO blogs!!!)

I remained in contact with Deborah, even after God opened the door for me to go to work for 106.9 the Light radio station. We've both experienced grief this year (she lost her mother and grandmother early in the year within a month of each other), so we could relate on the grief journey, as well.

I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but I knew what I had to do! I had seen pictures of Deborah's quilt work on her blogs and knew she was very talented. And I wondered...would she consider making a scrap quilt for me out of some of Chris' clothes - the ones he wore most frequently? I asked her about it, and she was thrilled to take on this project.

So, that's what took me to Bon Aqua. I took a tote full of Chris' clothes to her for the purpose of starting this project. We looked through patterns, discussed fabrics, quilting terms (that I can't repeat, because I'm clueless), and I finally found THE PATTERN for Chris' quilt! I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I can't wait for it to be finished so that I can wrap up in it and feel, in theory, him surrounding me. What a gift! I'm so thankful God connected us over a year ago - not knowing how meaningful that connection would come to mean down the road.

Here are some pics of Deborah and her amazing cabin, built by her husband. Chris would have LOVED this place!

A view of the elk with quilts hanging on both sides of the loft railings

Quilts everywhere!

The loft - Deborah's quilting space

Eye candy for a quilter!

My hunter man would have drooled over this one!

Deborah - Quilter Extraordinaire!

After leaving Deborah's house late morning yesterday, I ventured back to Nashville on my way back home. I planned a quick stop-over visit to see my new She Speaks friend, Leigh Kramer. I would highly encourage you to check out her HopefulLeigh blog sometime. She is an amazing writer and is currently finishing up her first novel!

Leigh and I, along with 6 other amazing women, sat at the infamous Table 73 during She Speaks this past summer. Table 73 shared some pretty amazing things together...one of which I posted about soon after returning home. If you haven't read about my She Speaks Miracle before, I would encourage you to do so. God blew my mind...yet again that evening!

Leigh and I had a nice, but short, visit catching up while she nannied for little 3-month old Caroline. Here are a few pics from my time with Leigh:

After a couple of hours, it was time to hit the road for home. I love my time in the car. I usually spend lots of time chatting with God. Friday night and yesterday were no different. He spoke right to my heart over some things that I've been crying out to Him about! I love that God of mine!

VLOG #5 - Last of the Questions Answered!

2011-10-29T07:00:00.002-04:00

Haiti

2011-10-28T06:30:00.001-04:00

It wasn't exactly the answer to the prayer I prayed, but it's the answer God gave us, which means it's the BEST thing for us! I've been praying for months that my daughter and I would be able to go on a mission trip together within the next year. After going to Africa in June, 2010...I caught "the fever"...of short-term mission trips, that is. My heart was captured by the "least of these". I wanted to go back or serve Him anywhere, for that matter. And...I wanted to take Anna with me. This amazing child of mine (yes, I am biased) is so compassionate for the less fortunate. Much more so that I ever was at her age. I didn't want that compassion to be for naught. I wanted to see it in action. And, so I prayed for this opportunity to serve with her somewhere...anywhere.

Well, after the week I've had...I'm so thrilled to report that Anna and I have something really special to look forward to this summer! We'll both be going to Haiti on mission trips. Just not together. As only God would ordain, Anna will be going for two weeks with the Student Ministry from our church at the end of July, and I'll be going for one week with a group of ladies from "all over" the first week of July. Both groups will be working with missionaries Cody & Maria Whittaker in the town of Jacmel and some surrounding areas as well. They have an amazing ministry that you can read more about on their website http://www.howcantheyhear.org/.

If you've been following my blog for awhile, you might also remember their name from my blog posts updating you on their little girl Susana that ended up going home to be with the Lord last February, as a result of cancer. Their family was with our family on the day Chris was found after taking his own life, so you can imagine the grief journey we've traveled together...similar...yet different.

The women's group that I will be traveling with will be doing orphan care and anything else the Whittakers ask us to do, but we'll also be conducting mini women's conferences (similar to what I did in Liberia in 2010). We're going to teach, disciple, serve, and love on the Haitian women that God brings to these conferences. I'm ecstatic!!! I can't wait!!!

We'll have lots more to share on both of these trips as things develop, but I ask for your prayers in these specific areas:

1) Protection - that no plan of the enemy's to stand in the way of us going would come to pass
2) Financial - that God would raise up the financial provision for us to go ($2200-Anna; $1500-Leah). He raised exactly what I needed for Africa and not a penny more ($3500), so I'm trusting that He'll do it again.

Thanks friends! It's never too early to start praying! It's the best tool (and weapon) we have at our disposal!

We're Haiti bound! Praise God!

The Funny Faces of Chris

2011-10-27T06:30:00.001-04:00

Thank you friends...for your prayers, encouraging comments and love this week. I'll be glad when this "wave" passes! I don't have much to write about today...heart aches a little too much for this gal. So, I thought I would share with you something that makes me laugh. I needed to laugh today, so I looked through some old pics of my sweet husband. Allow me to introduce you to "The Funny Faces of Chris" - my silly man! :-)

Practicing Thankfulness

2011-10-26T06:30:00.005-04:00

It's not too difficult to see if you've been following my blog posts this week that it's been a doozy. Monday was just plain yucky. And...yesterday? Well, I think I just spent the day getting over Monday.

There's nothing monumental that's taken place. I mean, even my splatter on the floor of the local grocery store is minor compared to the events of May 3-4. So, putting all of this into perspective...it's not been that bad, if I really think about it.

So, why the sullen mood?

I'm just hurting. I'm missing Chris terribly right now. It just happens. I think about him every single day, but somedays...I'm absorbed with thoughts of him. I just want him back so badly. I know that's impossible...but, I can still want...can't I? Even typing this blog...the tears are pouring, my shoulders are quivering, because I miss him sooooo badly! I. Really. Miss. Him. I don't know how to say it any plainer than that.

But, I have to move forward. I have to keep serving the God that I adore. I have to keep walking the journey. I have to keep trusting. And, I must keep thanking. It's in the thankfulness, I find healing.

And so I begin...

I gave thanks for...

1. My Jesus
2. Anna's laughter
3. Healing tears
4. Authentic friends
5. Clean drinking water
6. Scenic mountain landscapes
7. Eyesight to see God's gifts
8. The ability to feel useful even while deeply grieving
9. Encouraging comments on my blog
10. "Just because" cards received in the mail at just the right time
11. Still being able to see my 5-yr-old daughter's face now in her almost grown 14-yr-old face as she wakes in the morning.
12. The precious flowers I found on my doorstep yesterday with the message: "Leah, you are so loved. God"

And the list continues...that's just a sampling.

Thank you God for holding me so closely right now!

My surprise flowers that arrived yesterday!

25 Weeks

2011-10-25T13:45:00.001-04:00

Today marks the official “two months ‘til Christmas” warning.

Today also marks 25 weeks since my husband first disappeared into the woods to take his own life. Sadly, he succeeded.

In 25 weeks, I’ve…

-seen the beauty of God’s Comfort

-felt pain like never before

-experienced an outpouring of love from my Christian and non-Christian friends alike

-tasted the bitterness of death

-been led beside still waters

-hidden myself in the shadow of Chris’ death

-laughed so hard I’ve almost wet my pants (how’s that for a visual?)

-cried what must be the equivalent of a lifetime of tears

-praised the One that made me…over and over and over

-questioned the One that made me…over and over and over

-prayed for so many other widows, knowing well the depth of their pain

-barely eaten, as food nauseated me in the “early days”

-eaten too much, as food is falsely “comforting me” now

-been on the mountaintop

-been in the deepest pit

-endeavored to live life to the fullest

-prayed that God would call me Home

-witnessed true friendship, even among strangers

-felt the sting of false friendship

-experienced God’s fingerprints on me

-questioned God’s nearness

-seen beauty come from ashes

-felt abandoned and forgotten (a lie from the enemy)

-shared with others how God never leaves us or forsakes us

-experienced how deep and how wide is God’s amazing love for me

This One Ain't Pretty!

2011-10-24T20:53:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This isn't a pretty post. You know the kind? The one as my friend, Carol, would say that I try to write - regardless of how painful - and end up tying a pretty bow of inspiration on top at the end. Nope. Not today. So, if you're in the mood to be inspired...come back another day. This is just raw, authentic, hurting me today. I understand if you stop right here. Just...consider yourself warned.

Oh...I see you didn't stop. You're still reading. Well, as my husband would say, "Bless your heart!"

Today has been one of those days that I wish I could just erase. I wanted to go back to bed hours ago and just wake up to a new day...a do-over day.

It hasn't been any one thing. It's been a BUNCH of things. It actually started yesterday. Someone hurt my feelings...I guess I let them, and I still wasn't over it this morning. So, I woke up rather gloomy. It was a bright, sunny day, and I had the heart of Eeyore.

And, then it began. The waves of grief returned with a vengeance. One right after the other - knocking me off my feet. On top of that, the emotional drowning caused me to make bad eating choices today, which then led to feelings of failure. This was the day I was "starting over" on my healthy eating plan. I had lost a bunch of weight rather quickly in the first 8 weeks following Chris' death. It's gradually been inching it's way back (pardon the pun), and I'm miserable. M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E. So, today was the day. No more playing games. I had to get a grip. But, then came the waves. And, food became my comfort. Noooooooooo!!!!!!

This afternoon brought a trip to the dentist for my 6-month cleaning. That, in and of itself, was hard. The day Chris died, I had an appointment for a filling that had to be rescheduled. And so, today, as I was driving out there...THAT day...May 4...was heavily on mind. Then the waves came harder. I passed landmark after landmark that reminded me of my sweet man. I drove by the exit to the cemetery where he's buried. Then, I passed the SCUBA store (my Chris was a diver). Soon after, I drove past the shooting range where he let me practice shooting his rifles. I'll never forget how fun that day was...seriously.

Finally, I get to the dentist's office. While waiting to be called back, another woman was making an appointment for her husband. The receptionist asked for her cell phone number, and "the wife" began to call it out 276-xxx-xxxx. That's all I needed to hear: 276. The area code for my husband's hometown in Virginia. The tears were back. Over a silly area code? I was spent!

The dental visit was less than desirable. Two more cavities! What is going on? You'd think I was sleeping with a sugar cube in my mouth or something! Oh well...I shouldn't expect less on a day like today.

And then...to top it off. I was in the grocery store with my daughter tonight. We just had to run in and get a few things. On the way out of the store, my ankle rolled (the one I sprained Saturday on my hike), and in what seemed like a slow-motion nightmare...I fell...HARD on the grocery store floor on my knee. So, now my ankle is re-sprained...my knee is on fire...and I'm humiliated.

I'm just sad today. I'm hurting today. And...to top it all off...I'm physically hurt now too. I'm ready for Home! Come quickly Lord Jesus! In the meantime, I guess I'll just go to bed and start over tomorrow.

VLOG #4 - More Questions Answered!

2011-10-23T17:02:00.000-04:00

Molly's Knob Adventure

2011-10-22T23:07:00.000-04:00

October 6, 2007 - My first adventure to Molly's Knob with my sweet Chris. He had been wanting to take me up there, and me - the girl ALWAYS up for just about any adventure - was happy to oblige.

Chris at Hungry Mother Lake - right before our ascent up Molly's Knob Trail!

The leaves were absolutely gorgeous that day. The sky was a perfect blue, and the lake was divinely sparkling.

Chris and I were both in excellent physical shape at the time, and we ascended to the top of Molly's Knob relatively quickly (considering we took the wrong trail to begin with and added about an hour to our journey). But, we didn't care. We were newly in love - eager to share every moment we could possibly have together.

Once at the top of the knob, the views were breathtakingly beautiful. We settled in for a picnic lunch and about an hour of rest before heading back down the mountain to close out our day's adventure. We never forgot that day and had intended to do it again...this year!

October 22, 2011 - today - I DID go back to Hungry Mother State Park in Marion, VA to trek up to Molly's Knob again. This time - no Chris. Rather, I believe he watched from heaven as his sweet sister, Lisa, joined me on this journey that I still longed to do, in memory of my husband.

It was another perfect day. The day started out with fall crispy cool temperatures, necessitating layers of dress. However, before we were halfway through the hike - the jackets and sweatshirts were GONE! We both giggled with pain. Lisa had never hiked this before and couldn't believe it was as tough as it was. Me? I obviously wasn't in the same top-knotch physical shape I was in four years ago.

This particular hike isn't that long (just about 2 miles including the final Vista Trail), but it's an uphill climb all the way. My calves, my feet, my toes are screaming at me tonight! They'll get over it...they need to toughen up anyway. :-)

We finally - after a few stops to take pictures and talk to people - made it to the top!

We had a quick protein-laden snack - took more pictures and then headed back down the mountain. We both believed the descent was just as tough (in some respects) as the climb up, because it was so steep, and we were trying to keep from falling. I also took time on the hike back down to look for more heart-shaped rocks - similar to the ones that I found at the campsite where Chris took his life. Anything heart-shaped I find in nature when I'm focusing on doing something that relates to Chris - I consider a kiss from heaven. I looked and looked but only found this stone. It sort of has a heart-shaped look to it, but it wasn't as defined as the one I found a few months back. But, I picked it up anyway...just in case...

Just as we were nearing the finish line...the last 10 feet of the trail...I did the unexpected. Yes. I. Did. I rolled and sprained my ankle! I was so frustrated with myself but grateful that it didn't happen until the end. I could still walk, so it wasn't that bad of a sprain. But, it hurt so badly that I simply had to stop for a moment to "re-group". As I was bent over looking at my ankle...I saw it. And, I knew...it was for me...another kiss from heaven. This time inside of a hickory nut. And to think...without the sprain to get my attention...I never would have even noticed.

It was a great day! Thank you Lisa! Thank you Jesus!

Why Not Me?

2011-10-21T06:00:00.001-04:00

I told her my last name and simply stated I was there to pick up a prescription.

"Leah Gillen?" she asked.

I was a bit surprised when she called out my first name too without even looking it up in the computer or anything.

Further she explained, "I filled your prescription much earlier today, and your name just stuck with me for some reason." I simply smiled.

Normally, I just go through our local pharmacy's drive thru to pick up any prescriptions, but interestingly they called me yesterday and said they needed me to bring in my insurance card, because there was a slight problem, and they needed to load it again in the system.

So, this time...I went inside to pick up my order. I'm not sure how the conversation even turned in this direction, but suddenly I found myself sharing with her that my husband passed away a little over 5 months ago.

She stopped everything, and with complete sincerity offered, "I'm sorry. I really am sorry. I'm not just saying that."

I thanked her, and we simply continued to chat a little. She never asked me how he died (one of the first actually), and I never offered. But, she then began telling me that this had been a difficult year for her too.

"My mom and both grandparents passed away this year. And, my dad passed away when I was 16." (She couldn't be more than 27-28 at this point.)

"Wow!" I was floored. "You have had a hard year, haven't you?"

She shrugged a little and then said, "Yes. But, I believe everything happens for a reason." Looking down at my insurance card, she then proceeded to say, "I see that you work for the Billy Graham organization. I guess you probably believe everything happens for a reason too?"

I simply smiled. The sweet assumptions. But...she was right. "Yes, I do." But, she wasn't finished.

"But, do you ever ask why? I mean...why did this happen to you...to me?" She stared at me...cautiously inquisitive. Maybe she was afraid of my answer. Maybe she's surfing for an answer to her own "why". And so I began...

"Honestly? Yes, I've asked that question a time or two in my life. But, honestly...my question as of late has been 'why not me?'. Why should the yucky stuff happen to somebody else instead of me? Why should I be exempt? We live in a fallen, broken world. So, who's to say I shouldn't experience any of this? Do I like it? Absolutely not. Do I wish my husband were still with me? YES! YES! YES! But, I wouldn't wish this pain on my worse enemy. So, why not me?"

I was afraid of her response to my little moment of dialogue. Was she ready for that? Or did I just give her more than she could chew at the moment? I just wanted to be honest.

Her response? "You're right. Absolutely right. I guess that's why your name stuck with me today. God wanted to connect us tonight."

And. He. Did. Just. That.

Excerpts from My Journal...

2011-10-20T06:15:00.000-04:00

Chris - my Superman!

I've had so many people stress to me the importance of journaling since the death of my sweet Chris. As a lover of words, you would think that would be easy for me. But, it hasn't been. I've journaled some, but I've blogged a lot more. I think the blog posts have taken the place of traditional journaling for me.

However, there are some things that I simply can't post here. Nuggets that are too hard to bare and are just between God and me. Elements of pain that would not edify anyone reading the words. But, for some reason, today I felt led to share a few excerpts from some of my most early journal entries. Maybe...just maybe...God is speaking to one of you through some of these words.

May 13
9 days after Chris' death...I'm still struggling to find answers. I'm still struggling to get back into God's Word in more than a "surface reading" sort of way. I desire to devour it , but my heart won't let me just yet. And so...I skim. I am reading devotions and shockingly, but thankfully, the two I read today had to be love notes straight from God Himself: 5/13 Jesus Calling (Sarah Young) and 5/13 Morning By Morning (Spurgeon). I seek you Lord - now more than ever. I pray, God, that you'll speak to me in my dreams and that I'll remember it when I awake. Please give me a glimpse of Chris in heaven.

May 21
Now 17 days after my sweet husband suddenly left me for our eternal home...God's mercies continue to abound. Even so, I still hurt. I think the thing I struggle with most today is not having him to talk to. I ache for him...really ache for him. Maranatha!

May 28
I find that my blog has become a place of journaling much of what God has been teaching me along "Grief Road". However, there are still nuggets that are too personal or confusing or private to display on a public blog. ... I had an emotionally difficult time of prayer yesterday morning, but it resulted in God carrying me out of my "grief prison". Hallelujah!

July 4
I am really having to work hard to choose joy today, because Satan is working overtime to get me to be miserable. But, it's becoming my new mantra, of sorts...I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of my circumstances...I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of the depths of my sorrow...I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of what life difficulties seem to bombard me...I CHOOSE JOY! This life is so short & so fleeting! I get to live with Chris in heaven forever. Better yet - I get to live with Jesus in heaven forever! This life is but a "blip" on the pages of eternity. Therefore...I CHOOSE JOY!

Without Christ, I am nothing. Simple, but true. Without Christ, I couldn't do this. I couldn't walk Grief Road. Without Christ, I would be lost...and perhaps dead. But, being dead without Christ is the greatest tragedy of all. Thankfully, Chris is waiting for me in heaven! How about you?

Eyes of Faith

2011-10-19T06:15:00.008-04:00

Thank you so much for your encouraging and sweet comments regarding Anna's blog post yesterday. God has really blessed me with her, and I can't believe He chose me to be her mother! I know that I know that I know that God has a most beautiful plan for her. Beautiful...because, it's His plan!

However, I know that often we can't see those beautiful plans unfold so easily in our lives. Just yesterday...my heart was aching heavily for a couple of friends going through some really difficult times right now. The trials they are being asked to endure don't make sense when viewed through the earthly lens that we often use when gazing at life. A word I can easily associate with their difficulties...unfair! And YET...

God never promised life would be fair. He never promised it would be delivered to us on a silver platter or that we'd walk the glory road until we reach glory itself. He never promised that our days will be filled with material blessing or that the trials that we do endure will be swift. He never promised that we wouldn't experience a broken heart or be disappointed by broken people.

Right now...I personally know someone...

--Fighting breast cancer
--Praying for a spouse after a lifetime of singleness
--Waiting on God for the sale of a home on the market for 4 years
--Seeking custody of a child that has endured much hardship
--Waiting on a call for their forever child through adoption
--Praying for conception even though doctors are speaking infertility
--Ready to walk out on a position they've been called to do, because the enemy tells them they can't do it
--Fighting to keep the job they have
--Aching for a spouse that went to heaven late last year
--Waiting with great expectation for a YES answer to a position they applied for months ago and are still in the running for
--That lost everything in a house fire 4 months ago
--Questioning whether or not Christ could ever love them enough to accept them into His family
--Grieving the loss of a parent a few short weeks ago
--Grieving the loss of a child to cancer earlier this year
--Watching their special needs adopted child endure many medical procedures this week
--Waiting on God to provide funding resources for a new non-profit organization started in faith
--Praying for a prodigal child

These are tough, tough things, friends. And...these are tough things for my praying heart to endure. So many times I've prayed that God would allow me to see hurting and broken people through His eyes so that my prayers might be more personal and often more gutteral. He's done that many times, and I ache all the more.

But, even though these aren't the things in life we've asked for, prayed for, expected, or even wanted..."in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose"! (Romans 8:28) This is not just some biblical cliche...this is TRUTH spoken by a God (THE God) that cannot lie (Hebrews 6:18).

I choose to believe that even through my husband's suicide, God is working for my good, because...I love Him, and I have been called according to His purpose. And while I may not be able to see with my physical eyes all the plans God has for me to work this for my good...I see with my eyes of faith. And, one day...my faith WILL be my sight!

Chris' Last Weekend - Guest Blog Post from His Stepdaughter

2011-10-18T07:13:00.002-04:00

Happy Tuesday blog friends!

I have a treat for you today. I asked my daughter, Anna, if she would consider writing a guest post during this 40-day blogging journey. She was hesitant, at first, because she didn't really know what to write about.

I said, "Write about whatever you want. Maybe something about Chris and your time together."

"I've got it!" she shared excitedly. "I'll write about his last weekend. The one he spent with me."

And, without further ado...here's Anna...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Many of you might be wondering what went down on the last weekend Chris was alive. Well I can tell you, because I spent it with him. Just him and me. Not my mom. Just him and me.

I had a lot of fun with him that weekend. I never would have expected what would come 3 days from that Sunday. I always enjoyed the times with him when my mom went on a trip (whether it be to Africa, a work trip, or a conference). I always missed my mom, but he always made it more fun even though she was not there.

On this particular weekend, my mom and aunt were going to a conference together. So I stayed home with Chris. Now this weekend was very different. First of all, it was Friday, April 29^th…..the day of the Royal Wedding!!!!!! My aunt and I decided that we would get up at 4am to watch it (and I would at least watch as much as I could before I went to school). Chris came out to eat breakfast before work and didn’t think we were serious about getting up. Now, Aunt Kandi and I have turned into huge Royal Wedding fanatics. We even have the DVD and collectors’ magazines. Since I wasn’t able to see their first kiss, my aunt even took a picture of it from the TV with her phone and sent me a text picture of it while I was at school.

She and my mom left to go to the conference while I was at school. So I rode the bus home, and Chris got there shortly after. We decided we wanted to go to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner. Now everyone knows Chris was the baking master, so I asked if we could make cookies with icing.

His response was simply, “Call your mom and ask.”

So I did and she said, “Why not!”

We went to the store and got all the ingredients. I love cooking or baking (especially with Chris), so this was lots of fun!

Now Chris always liked to go to bed early, but I didn’t want to be the only one up so I would too. The following day we ate our cookies, and I watched the royal wedding over and over, which he did not appreciate too much. J

Chris and I would always play games, and so that’s exactly what we did. Battleship, Rummy, Yahtzee, everything…we played everything. He took an hour nap that day, and then we played more games and ate more cookies! That was the best weekend I had ever had with him!

I now know God sent my mom and aunt to that conference to give me this special weekend with Chris that I will never forget. Nobody else shared that last weekend with him. Only me! We won’t know until we get to heaven why Chris committed suicide.

My favorite Bible verse reminds me that God is still in control and has great plans for us.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

All I Want for Christmas

2011-10-17T14:36:00.003-04:00

Just pondering my “Christmas list”. It looks quite different this year…

1. Peaceful evenings during the month of December, allowing time for reading or playing games with my wee one

2. A clean house

3. All my papers filed and organized

4. Chris’ tools sorted and organized in some fashion that makes sense to me

5. Extended time with friends

6. NOT a lot of snow

7. The ability to celebrate Christ’s birth from the perspective of joy rather than through the heart of a grieving widow

8. Kisses from heaven

9. Surprises from God

10. A pleasant dream about Chris in heaven

11. Invitations to speak and share “my story – God’s story” (not necessarily at Christmas) – just the invitations to start coming in during this season. It gives me hope and focus.

12. A blanket of love enveloping Anna and me

13. Wisdom. Lots of wisdom concerning several potentially big undertakings in 2012.

14. Restoration

15. Deliverance

16. Healing

17. Authentic prayers being lifted up for Anna and me

18. A Chris Tree full of ornaments

19. Lots of laughter

20. To see or hear about someone coming to Christ as a direct result of my husband’s death

VLOG #3 - Still Answering Your Questions!

2011-10-16T19:59:00.004-04:00

I apologize for the issues with today's VLOG post. Oh boy...my patience has been tried today! Anyway, I think it's "public" now and not giving the "private" message anymore (I hope). However, the picture is off to the right a little bit. The video is cleaner to watch if you view it through YouTube, but I was originally more centered on the screen. Anyway...sorry for the issues. Hopefully, I'll do better next time.

It's All Just Stuff!

2011-10-15T21:31:00.000-04:00

Betcha thought I'd forgotten to blog today...my 15th day on this 40 day consecutive blog writing journey. Nah...it's just been a full day that began VERY early this morning...4:00 am to be exact. (And...I've been a bit on the tired side ever since.)

The area where I live in Western NC boasts a rather large flea market just about 15 minutes from where we live. I've been there several times to look for steals and deals, but I've also vended there quite a bit too over the years. Today was one of those days.

Our sweet, giving, compassionate, and selfless friends - Troy and Rebecca - got up at 4:00 am also to help my daughter and me tote our stuff down to this flea market. There was nothing in it for them - they did no selling, in other words. They simply went to serve, and we were blessed indeed by their love and friendship!

After one yard sale and two flea market experiences since Chris died (not to mention all the Craigslist sales) - I can definitely say my quest for simpler living is starting to take shape. I've been dwindling each room down - a little at a time - getting rid of those "things" that I can simply live without. Now, let me say that I really wasn't a packrat to begin with, so I'm talking about getting down to the basics of simple comfort.

Do I really need all of those trinkets, books, kitchen wares, decorative items, clothes, games, candleholders, tools, etc? Could the money be used to create memories with my daughter, to go on mission trips, or to support orphans? Is God pleased - I mean REALLY pleased with how I steward the resources He's given me? Or...is it possible...even just a little bit that I could do better? He's not asking me to live in a tent and ride a bicycle and wear the same outfit each day. But, I do believe He's showing me areas in my life that can be simplified to have more resources freed up for His service. And...in all honesty. It's all just stuff anyway! I would rather make beautiful memories than collect stuff.

How about you? Have you taken an inventory lately of the "stuff" God might be asking you to give up for a little bit simpler living? Oooh...that's a tough one isn't it? Speaking from someone that has really never been much of a "material girl" anyway...even for me, it's tough to say "goodbye" to the stuff.

What if I need it for a rainy day?

I'll use it someday...right?

I got it for a great deal...I'd be crazy to get rid of it.

It was a gift from Aunt Sally. Even though it's collecting dust, I still can't part with a gift.

Any of these sound familiar? How about just one thing? What one thing can you release today? Is there something that you've been clinging just a little too hard to? Is it time to say goodbye? Is God asking you to? Remember...it's all just stuff! And, it can't go with us when we leave this earth.

Living Single in a Couples World

2011-10-14T09:49:00.000-04:00

If you’re popping over today from my guest spot on Encouragement Cafe Radio – welcome! So glad you’re here!

The topic I was privileged to discuss with the beautiful ladies of Encouragement Cafe and with Carol Davis…”Living Single in a Couples World”. Hmmm… Let that title simply resonate for a few minutes. If you’re married and have been married in the “traditional” young twenties sort of way, this may be a bit of a foreign concept. However, my fellow single friends…whether never having been married like my friend, Sam at Fields of Gold (and also a guest on today’s EC program) or divorced like my friend, Carol, or widowed like I find myself…I think you might have a smidgen of an idea of what this living single in a couples world might be about.

I don’t know if I’ve simply been blind before, but this simply stares me in the face a lot these days. Culturally speaking, especially in a Christian culture, I’ve found myself recently in several situations that cater to the “couple”. It happens so subtly sometimes, but it’s there, and maybe I’m the only one that recognizes it.

It might be a women’s event where the “language” is all about couples and “our husbands” with the rare (if at all) word addressed to the single lady that might be in the crowd.

It might be in a social gathering with friends when the games that are played are husband vs. wife, and you suddenly find yourself in that awkward position of not being able to play according to the rules.

And…then I’m taken back to those recent days of being married…just slightly over 23 weeks ago. I’m sure I fed into this same dilemma where singles probably felt very alone in the couples world in which I also lived then. And now…God has allowed me to feel a dimension of that pain.

So where do we go from here?

As a single…I would encourage you to extend grace to your couples friends. They’re not walking in your shoes and can’t read your mind. I find that we expect couples to know how we feel, to know what we need, but that’s simply an unfair assumption unless we simply make our needs known. I would also encourage you to not isolate from couples. I especially feel strongly about this if you have children, because your children need to have godly Christian couples and families modeled to them.

As a couple…I beg you to step outside your safety box and “do life” with a single or single parent family. Invite them to your holiday gatherings, or just for dinner occasionally. Offer to babysit if they have young children so that they can get a little time away to “re-group”. Maybe even invite them to vacation with you, as vacations can be especially lonely times for singles.

Simply put, let’s be the hands and feet of Jesus to each other.

You are loved!

Terrie

2011-10-13T06:00:00.002-04:00

She was crying. I could hardly understand her through the heart-breaking sobs, but I could make out the words, "I just need someone to pray for me."

Sitting at my desk, I had just been transferred a call from a listener in desperate need of a listening ear and a willing heart to pray. This happens quite frequently while working at a Christian radio station, but I'm not often the one that gets the calls. Typically, they go to the studio - to talk with the announcers. These are the voices they know. The ones they are most comfortable with, but today...Terrie was given to me. Truth be known...I might have simply been the first one available. Regardless, God wanted Terrie and I to connect.

I asked her to share more with me. What was troubling her? What was causing the tears?

She spoke oh-so-softly, "I just want to understand God's plan for me. I know and hear that He has a plan for all of His children. But, everytime I think I know what He wants me to do, the plan fails."

Oh boy. How I can soooo relate! She had just received some discouraging news and began questioning God's plans all over again.

And so I shared, "Terrie (I had already asked for her first name)...yes, God does have a plan and purpose for you. His Word says so. But, His Word also says that 'many are the plans in a man's heart, but it's the Lord's purpose that prevails'. We also know from His Word that God's plans don't always equal our plans, hence the frustration."

But, then came the sticking point...the one thing that I wanted her to hear if she heard nothing else..."Regardless of what we may feel, Terrie, regardless of what we may see, this one thing I KNOW...God's plans are always better than anything we can even dream up."

As soon as the words left my mouth, I simply sat there. Stunned. Did I just say that? Am I willing to believe that for myself? Was my husband's suicide and the subsequent agonizing grief that I've endured a better plan for me than anything I can dream up? Really? And, in my heart...I have to answer my own question...

YES.

Yes. God's plans are best. Even if that looks completely insane right now...I know my God is bigger than suicide. I know that my God is bigger than grief. I know that my God is bigger than loneliness. I know that my God is much bigger than my lack of understanding. And, I know that "God works for the GOOD of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

I may have to wait to see those "better" plans, and it may result in something I don't see with my physical eyes until heaven, but YES...His plans are always better.

And...so I prayed with Terrie. We went before the throne room asking God to give Terrie a glimpse (even if it was ever so tiny) of His plans for her. We asked Him to close doors she's not to walk through and swing wide open the ones that she is. And, we thanked Him for allowing us to see with eyes of faith right now but trusting that one day our faith will be our sight!

23 Weeks

2011-10-12T06:00:00.007-04:00

I only wish the title of this post reflected a certain point of pregnancy for me, but sadly that's not the case. Rather, it's been 23 weeks since my husband went home to be with the Lord. In difficult reflection...

I've lived 23 weeks without...

-My good morning wake-up kisses
-Evening snuggles on the sofa
-My husband's delicious home-cooked meals
-Daily love notes by email
-Daily lunchtime phone calls
-My worship partner by my side on Sunday mornings
-My personal comedian
-The home "garbage-gatherer" and "taker-outer"
-Deep tissue massages in my tense shoulders
-Our prayer time together
-Family games of Apples to Apples (Chris almost always won)
-Surprise sweet treats from "Baker" Chris
-My man's large hands enclosing mine
-Chris' crystal blue eyes melting me
-The warmth of my husband's large arms
-My best friend
-Celebrating our anniversary each 9th
-Fishing side-by-side
-Hearing him tell me, "I love you."

I've lived 23 weeks with...

-A broken and aching heart
-Lots of unfinished tasks
-Additional chores
-Questions and more questions
-Emptiness
-Loneliness
-Feelings of inadequacy of being a good wife and mother
-Pain - lots of pain

But, I've also lived 23 weeks with...

-A daughter that loves me
-Family and friends that love me
-A Heavenly Father that loves and will never leave me or forsake me!

Fond Memories, Fainting, Fishing, and a Frond

2011-10-11T06:00:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, my friend and co-worker, Carol, and I went shopping for a basket of goodies for a little boy that just had emergency surgery for a broken arm. Our staff team wanted to cheer him up and give him some fun things to do but enable him to be as still as possible while his arm heals up.

Fond Memories
As we walked through the parking lot of our local Walmart, Carol shared that this particular store always brought back fond memories for her. Early in her single momma days, she received a special gift right here at this very Walmart. It was a day she'll never forget and one that brought a smile to her face even on this day as we paced to the front door.

"Isn't that interesting," I shared, "because this store also has a couple of significant memories for me."

Fainting
The first wasn't really all that funny, but looking back...I have to chuckle, because it was so bizarre. My daughter and I were standing in the checkout line, when suddenly a young girl (late teens, early twenties, I would guess) tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to catch her. Before I knew what was happening, the girl started to slither in my arms. She was fainting. Now, this was a first for me, I can honestly say. Catching fainting girls at the Walmart isn't a typical item on my to-do list, but for whatever reason...today it was on the list. I slithered with her right to the floor and then motioned for my daughter to go to the cashier for help. The next thing we know, we had crackers and Cokes being thrown in our direction, and this young lady was back to herself in no time. But, needless to say, everytime I go into this particular store...I remember my fainting friend.

Fishing
Perhaps the fondest of my two memories from this store was created with my sweet husband a few years back. There is a river that runs behind the Walmart parking lot. My husband was an avid fisherman...his favorite hobby, by far. He loved to take me fishing with him, but I was more of a boat fisherwoman or bank-side angler. I typically didn't wade the nearby trout streams. But, on this particular day, Chris challenged me to a new adventure. So, we climbed down the bank behind the Walmart parking lot, through briars and all, into the cold waters of the Swannanoa River. This day was the only day in all of our dating and married years that I out-fished my husband. :-)

a Frond
As I shared this last story with Carol, I chuckled and said that Chris never forgot that day - and neither did I. I delighted greatly in sharing with a couple of friends my "successes" of that day way back when. Carol quickly chimed in, "And...I bet he wouldn't be happy with you sharing about how you skunked him that day with me right now." I laughed again. She was right, but I just couldn't help myself. Suddenly I noticed a random leaf flying through this parking lot devoid of most trees. This "random" frond landed right behind me, but it caught my attention as it floated, so my gaze followed it to the ground. I almost gasped when I saw it. I picked it up and showed it to Carol.

"Do you see this?" I asked.

Carol was grinning, "Yes, I see it."

"Oh good. I want to make sure I'm not going crazy. Another kiss from heaven," I cheerfully announced!

The leaf that landed right behind me in the Walmart parking lot yesterday!

Another 9th Came and Went

2011-10-10T06:30:00.001-04:00

I think I struggle the most on the 9th...of each month. As many of you already know, the 9th was the day Chris and I were married (in August a few years back), but we celebrated our anniversary in little ways on the 9th of EVERY month.

While our August 9th anniversary was always the "big one", allowing for a little more celebrating, we wanted to take time every month to remember the beautiful marriage God had given us. We would watch our wedding video on the 9th, Chris would bring me flowers on the 9th, I would give him a card or two, he would bake my favorite cookies (snickerdoodles), and occasionally...we might even go out for dinner and/or a movie if the 9th fell on the weekend.

And so...I'm finding the 9th of every month is a harder day for me than even the 4th (the day of his death). As I've thought about that, I think it boils down to one thing...I'm the only one that really cherishes and remembers the depth of meaning that day contains. I'm finding family and several friends still remember the 4th, so that day doesn't seem to get swept under the rug as easily. But, the 9th...it's all mine to grieve. Simply put, it's difficult.

As I traveled home yesterday from a weekend in New Jersey...I remembered that it was, yet again, another 9th...for me to remember all alone. My heart quickly wanted to revert to a place of aching, as it so often does on this day. But, something different happened this time. I had another one of those quiet, heart-piercing "conversations" with the Lord that went a little like this...

God: Daughter, you spend a lot time remembering your special day each month.

Me: Yes, Lord. It's very special to me.

God: Leah, you are very special to Me too. How often do you remember what I gave you over 2000 years ago?

Me: Lord, how could I forget?

God: I'm not saying you ever forget, but I'm asking...how often do you allow your heart to really go there? Really REMEMBER the anniversary of my time spent on the cross for you?

Me: Not enough Lord. Not enough.

God: I'm not asking you to forget the 9th, precious daughter. On the contrary, maybe on the 9th - reflect on the marriage I gave you and Chris that you intentionally centered on Me and the gift I gave both of you on the cross. As a result, you'll both spend a lifetime with Me...the One that will never stop loving you.

Me: I'm sorry Lord. Please forgive me.

God: I already have.

The Man on the Bench

2011-10-09T07:00:00.002-04:00

Sitting alone...me on one bench. Him on the other.

I didn't notice him at first. I was too busy having my own pity party.

Here I was...seaside...on the Jersey Shore. Alone. It's too long of a story to go into what brought me here to begin with (nor does it really matter), but the point...I was at my favorite place...the beach (any beach)...but without my husband by my side.

The ocean, the sand, the sound of waves crashing, the seagulls soaring, the sun...pieces of a puzzle...creating our "sacred place". We loved the beach, but mostly - we loved being at the beach together. I often dreamed of walking hand-in-hand along the seashore with my true love...that day came true. I often dreamed of sitting on the sand with only the moon lighting our space snuggled in the arms of a man that loved me so tenderly. I did that too. Now...those are just bygone dreams. Granted, they came true for me, but I didn't get to enjoy them for long. And now...Chris is admiring the beaches of heaven in the Presence of his True Love...the only One to ever love him completely. To ever love any of us completely. Does the man on the bench know that?

It was then that I noticed him. The other one...alone on a bench. He crashed my party by sequestering my attention with what looked to be a pity party of his own. But, then I took a closer look...

He was talking to himself. Or was he praying? I got up from my bench and went to discreetly stand behind him to possibly hear a little better. He intrigued me. He was sweating profusely, and it wasn't that hot outside. He was uttering words...prayers...or maybe just words under his breath. He looked nervous. He looked sick. He looked...

And, then I noticed it. The back of his shirt displayed the words, "mental illness...misunderstood...". That's all I could read, because some of the words were blocked by the back of the bench. But, then I began to wonder...was he mentally ill? Could this explain the odd behavior?

The thoughts instantly flooded my mind. Did Chris ever do something like this? In the days leading up to his suicide...he spent a lot of time alone. His behavior was unusual, to say the least, but I just thought he needed some "Chris time". He was always happy. Never a problem. Everybody's entitled to some off days...right? But maybe had someone seen him during those times alone...like I was now looking at this man...would they have noticed any eccentricities?

I now knew why I was on the boardwalk sitting alone on a bench moments before. To notice him...

And, so I prayed. I have no idea what was going on in his head. I have no idea if he was the one mentally ill. But, all I know is what I saw with my eyes, and something wasn't right. And...so I walked...paced about 20 feet behind him...and prayed. I didn't know what to pray for really, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this man needed a bold prayer covering. And who knows? Maybe my prayer was the only that would be offered up for him that day.

I've thought of him several times since I first saw him yesterday morning. Is he okay? Did God deliver him from whatever ailed him at that moment? I don't know. I just knew that I had to pray...for the man on the bench.

VLOG Post Answering YOUR Questions!

2011-10-08T20:12:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's up so late today. I've had video uploading problems!

Traveling...Again!

2011-10-07T06:30:00.001-04:00

Good morning friends!

WOW! What a week this has been! With this being Sharathon week at work, it has flown by. And...to think we're here at Friday already!

Speaking of flying by...that's exactly what I'll be doing late this afternoon. Anna (my daughter) and I will be traveling to New Jersey (via Philadelphia) just for the weekend. Without going into details, I covet your prayers! I'm simply going to support Anna in something difficult that she needs to do and is dreading, but I'm very proud of her maturity in this.

She'll be with a lot of extended family this weekend, and I'll be sitting in a hotel room for much of the weekend writing, reading, catching up on emails, and praying (and hopefully resting too)! That said, I do plan to blog from New Jersey, and I'm actually planning to answer your questions from last Saturday's post in another VLOG format. So stay tuned... However, should technology falter for any reason...please note that I'll post whatever doesn't get posted when I get home on Sunday. But...I don't anticipate any problems. :-)

Keep those addresses coming if you want to be on my Christmas card list! I've enjoyed hearing from so many of you already. Don't know what I'm talking about? Check it out by clicking here!

Have a wonderful Friday sweet bloggy friends! You are a blessing to me!

And So It Begins...

2011-10-06T06:00:00.001-04:00

I promised God that I would give Him glory for everything He's done in me and through me since my husband's death. Friends, apart from Him...I'd be a mess. And, if I'm being completely transparent (why stop now...right?)...it's possible I may not even still be here without God's abundant mercy and grace. Now, don't get me wrong...I've never had suicidal thoughts or anything of the sort since my own husband's suicide 5 months ago. But, honestly...I can't say that apart from Christ I would have the same assurance. I shutter to think...

This journey has been excruciatingly painful. There have been days I didn't want to crawl out of bed. There were many nights in those early days that I slept on the couch...I just couldn't go back to "our bed" without my Chris beside me. I cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left in me. And then...the gutteral cries would begin again.

But, all throughout the pain and the torment of grief...I kept praying...

This is YOUR story to tell, Lord. This isn't about me at all. This is about You, precious Lord. It's all about what You've done through me, what You're doing through me, and what You will do through me. And...it's all for Your glory!

I agreed to walk through any door that God would open where He wants His story told...whether it be just tiny snippets or the full-blown ordeal. I'll do whatever He asks me to do and go wherever He wants me to go.

And so it begins...

Within one week, I've shared snippets of His Story on two different radio programs. One will be broadcast later this month via Encouragement Cafe Radio, so I'll let you know more at a later date. The other? Yesterday morning during the first day of our annual Sharathon at the radio station where I work 106.9 the Light (WMIT). Here's the audio if you'd like to take a listen. My voice is shaky (I was fighting back the tears big time), but I think you'll get the jist. It's short...I promise!

To Him be all the glory!

Another Christmas Idea...

2011-10-05T04:30:00.003-04:00

OK...you already know about the Chris Tree project I'm undertaking this year. If you don't...please, read about it HERE. Now, I have another idea. I know...I know...you're probably thinking, "What now?" Bear with me just for a moment...

As I noted when I announced my Chris Tree project, the Christmas season was always Chris' favorite of the year. This is no understatement, friends. He loved celebrating Christ's birth and would search for ways throughout the year to bring more and more emphasis to the season in our home. It's a good thing God put the two of us together to begin with, because I'm a bit of a Christmas nut myself. However, one of my favorite things to do at Christmas is to send out Christmas cards (and, if I'm totally being honest...I love finding my mailbox full of them too!). I spend a lot of time preparing my Christmas cards each year, and I want to always include as many people as I can. I know that postage isn't cheap anymore, but it's still one thing I love to do non-electronically. There's just something to be said about getting an old-fashioned card in the mail (anytime of the year, for that matter).

So, what does this have to do with you? I would love to be able to include as many of you on my Christmas card list as possible this year. Would you let me send you a card? It would bless my socks off! If so, please just email me your mailing address: leahgillen89@yahoo.com, or if we're Facebook or Twitter buddies, you can send it to me via Direct Message in either of those two places.

I know this might be a strange request, but I'm just doing anything and everything I can to be excited about this first Christmas without my sweet love by my side. Having little things like this to work on and be excited about really helps! Be blessed bloggy friends! You bring me joy!

UPDATE: I wanted to let you know that I think my next VLOG will be posted again on Sunday, and it will have the answers to the questions I received in my giveaway post from last Saturday. So stay tuned...I can't wait to answer your VERY GOOD and thought-provoking questions.

Sharathon Begins Today!

2011-10-04T04:30:00.010-04:00

Before going any further...I want to announce the winner of my Saturday blog giveaway post!

Drum roll please...

CINDY - Timestamp: 1:18 AM, Date: 10/2 - YOU ARE THE WINNER!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!! Please email me your mailing address, and I'll send your winnings to you right away! :-) My email addy: leahgillen89@yahoo.com

*******************************************

Good morning bloggy friends!

Some of you know that I work in administration for a Christian radio station. More specifically, I am most blessed to serve at 106.9 the Light (WMIT-FM), founded by Billy Graham nearly 50 years ago. Check us out at http://www.1069thelight.org/ whenever you get a chance. Our coverage area is quite large...portions of 7 states. However, with the internet and cell phone apps...you can listen to us all over the world!

I say all of this to say that today marks our first day (out of two) of Sharathon!!! These are two days that we set aside each year to invite our listeners to join us in the work God is doing in changing lives. That's what it's all about friends...changed lives. It's not about money. Yes...it takes money to do ministry, but our focus is not on how many dollars can be raised - that's in God's hands. Our focus is on how many lives can be impacted through the work God is doing through us, His vessels, at the station. And...I should know...I am a life that has been changed (twice over) by the work of this station: first, as a listener back in 1997 and most recently back in June of this year (as an employee). I may have the opportunity to share that recent story on the air over the next two days, so I don't want to do so now. But, I'll be sure to share it here at a later date...regardless.

So, I ask those of you that are praying people to join me in praying for us to see a mighty God movement over these next two days! Please pray that we'll hear testimony after testimony of lives changed through the work God is doing at 106.9 the Light. Please pray for stamina for the entire staff and volunteer team. Please pray that "no weapon formed against" by the enemy will prosper! This is solid, good ground...so, the attacks always ramp up about this time. Thank you, friends, for your faithfulness to pray!

Here are just a few pics from some of our "out and about" events:

Proceeding...With Caution

2011-10-03T06:00:00.002-04:00

First a couple of reminders: today is the last day to enter the Day 1 giveaway, click HERE for details. You have until 11:59 pm tonight to enter, and the winner will be announced tomorrow!

Secondly: if you haven't had a chance to check out yesterday's post yet...you might be in for a surprise (I know I was...ha!). I posted my first video blog (or VLOG). Now you can hear the voice behind the words!

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It's strange, really. For the first time in 5 months, I feel fully alive again. Yes, today marks the 5th month anniversary of the day my husband disappeared and probably died. While his death certificate says he died May 4, because that was the day he was found (which is the day we observe on "official" stuff - including grave marker)...I believe he entered Heaven on May 3. Too many reasons to explain, but I'm nearly 100% sure of that. Regardless, 5 months ago today...my life changed. Dramatically.

So, how do I feel fully alive? I think the feeling came when I discovered that I'm ready to serve again. I want to serve others. I want to be the Lord's mouthpiece. I want to return to speaking. I want to share the miracle He's done in me through this horrific life event. I want others to see Christ through me. And...I'm excited about what lies ahead. Yes - I still dread the upcoming holidays without him. I dread "celebrating" my 40th birthday in January without him teasing me like crazy. I dread my first Valentine's Day without my sweet Valentine to say "I love you". I dread Easter. I dread the 1st anniversary of his death. But, even with the "dreads"...I'm excited. I'm ready to proceed in service with whatever plans the Lord has for me...but, with caution.

I say "with caution", because the tidal waves are sure to come again. It's just part of grief. And...it's the hardest part to explain to someone that has never been in my shoes. They look at me and think, "Wow...she's doing great! She's healing so well." And...then a tidal wave comes, and people seem shocked. It almost comes across to me as feeling like I've failed.

But, you know what? That's a lie of the enemy. There is no formula to grief. No two people experience it exactly the same way. And, I can't begin to predict what the next day will bring (much less the next hour). All I know to do is to take steps forward...to keep holding out my arms for the Lord to catch me when I start to fall...and to be willing to have Him carry me when I can't take a single step. I'm willing to take the risk to bring glory to His name.

And...so I proceed...with caution.

My First VLOG!

2011-10-02T06:30:00.006-04:00

Day 1 and a Giveaway!

2011-10-01T07:00:00.010-04:00

It’s here! Day 1 of another 40-day blogging journey! I hope you’ll join me for as many of the 40 days as you can. The more of us “traveling” together – the more entertaining the voyage (at least for me!).

It’s been 150 days since the nightmare of my husband’s suicide began. 150 days of unbelievable grief and unbelievable joy. 150 days of seeing myself at my absolute lowest and weakest and yet seeing God’s strength poured out over me like I’ve never experienced before. But, these 150 days have also shown me the blessing of being surrounded by love, through God’s chosen vessels…people.

The surrounding hasn’t always been in the flesh. Sometimes, I’ve felt the love through prayers that have been lifted up to God’s throne room on my behalf. Some of the surrounding has come with words of encouragement received through social media outlets or right here in my own little blog-universe. Some of this encircling of love from friends (some I’ve never even met in person, by the way) has come through surprises I’ve discovered in my mailbox or that I’ve discovered on my front porch. Or…some have even found the means of sending touches of love to me at work…you are very clever (or determined…ha!). Regardless, the point in all of this is to simply say THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!! You have been the scaffolding for me these last 150 days. I could never have made it this far without you. I am so grateful for all of you!

And so…I invite you to continue to journey with me in these days of new beginnings and new normals in my new life as a young widow. For the next 40 days straight, you can find me here. Yes – I’ll be blogging for the next 40 days. As I noted in my previous blog post, I’ve done this a couple of times before, and it has always been very transformational. The number 40 in God’s Word always results in a time of great transformation. So, I’m setting out on another 40-day blogging journey anticipating great things but anticipating something transformational, nonetheless, in my walk with the Lord. I pray that somehow throughout this journey – you are blessed as well!

To kick things off, I just want to give something away! I have been so blessed these last 150 days…and now, I want to bless one of you. So, here’s how it’s going to work. One person will be receiving this little gift…$10 Starbucks gift card (not pictured), Jesus Lives by Sarah Young (a companion devotional to her very popular, Jesus Calling – which I LOVE), and a beautiful journal. If you happen to be the winner and already have any of these items, then pay it forward and bless somebody else with your gift.

The “rules” for entering:
One winner will be chosen at random. You can have up to four entries using the ways identified below. You don’t have to enter all four times – it just increases your odds. But, you can't utilize entries 2-3 without responding to the request detailed for entry 1. That's the only other stipulation. So, here you go:

1. First way to enter: please leave a comment here on this post (using the comments link in blue at the end of this post). Here’s what I want you to do…ask me a question…any appropriate question, and I’ll have a Q & A session in an upcoming post to answer your questions. I know I’ve been pretty transparent since the first day I began blogging, but I’m guessing there’s something you might like to know that I could answer. It could be a general question to get to know me better, or it could be a question about Chris’ death, or maybe about the grief process…just whatever comes to mind. Now – if it’s a completely vulgar or seriously inappropriate question (I pray that none of my readers would stoop to that level), it will get deleted. Otherwise…ask away.

2. The second way to enter – tweet about this post on Twitter or post about it on Facebook, providing the link back to this particular post. After doing so…come back here and leave another comment telling me you’ve done so.

3. Third way to enter: either follow my blog (using the follow link on the right) and leave a comment here telling me you’ve done it, or if you’re already following – simply leaving a comment saying “I’m a follower already.”

4. Last entry chance: let’s be friends on Facebook. If we are already…then simply leave a comment here saying, “We’re FB friends.” If not, send me a Friend Request and then come back here and leave a comment telling me you’ve done so.

If all you have time to do is #1 – that’s great! I just want to connect with as many of you as possible in as many avenues as we have available to us in this social media crazed world we now live in. Hence, the other entry possibilities.

The giveaway will be open for THREE DAYS – through Monday, October 3. I’ll announce the winner on Tuesday the 4th. That will give you busy weekenders plenty of time to participate. Just don’t forget! I’ll continue to post on Sunday and Monday, but you can still direct people to this particular post and link up to the contest as late as 11:59 pm on Monday!

May God richly bless your lives, as you’ve been such a blessing to mine!

40-Day Journey to Begin!

2011-09-29T06:00:00.003-04:00

If you’ve been following my blog since prior to my husband’s death in May, then you might recall that I embarked on a 40-day blog writing journey a few times in the past. As difficult as writing 40 consecutive days was at times, it was always a highlight of my days. And each time I took on this challenge, it never failed to prove transformational in my life (just like any instance of 40 in the Bible – always transformational).

I say all that to say…I’m ready to launch another 40-day blogging journey! After enduring those first days following the tragedy of my husband’s suicide in early May, I never thought I’d be at this place again, but I’m ready, and I’d love to have you join me on this journey.

This time around might be a little different, in some respects, because I’m hoping that I can introduce a weekly video blog (or vlog, as it is more commonly known). I still plan to write – as that is my true passion, but I also want you to be able hear my heart as spoken from my voice, at times too – rather than always having to decipher it through my written words. So, bear with me on that one. It might take me a few days to get going on it, but I do hope to make it a weekly addition during this 40-day journey.

I have some other little surprises in store, so I pray that you'll join me on this journey. Blog friends (new and old), you bless me more than you realize. I only pray that I can return the blessing through some of my posts.

So, when am I going to begin this journey? THIS coming Saturday, October 1! I know blog readership is typically low on weekends, but I encourage you to stop by on Saturday when you have a free moment, because I'm beginning this journey with a giveaway! You have blessed me so much in the last 5 months, that I want to return the blessing.

Can't wait to take this journey with you! See you Saturday!

Lost Christians

2011-09-27T22:12:00.000-04:00

I've been a little "blog quiet" for about a week. Sometimes, when God is working on me most...I have the least to offer. I tend to recede into those spirit-filled oases of His love only to come out hungering and thirsting for more of Him. That's a glimpse of what's been taking place this week.

I found myself, first, in a desert. A very dry desert. Actually, it felt more like quicksand. I could feel I was slipping again...into a "grief abyss". What's toughest about these moments is that I can't come home and share with my husband...my best friend, since he's the source of my grief. I know I can always talk to God, and I do. But, sometimes...I need the tangible love of God's children, and I need their prayers immensely. So, I resort to the only thing I know in my darkest hours of need...email. Yes. Technology's finest...email shout-outs for help. Simply...I sent an email last week to some some special prayer warriors simply saying, "I'm sinking. I need prayers. Thank you." And they prayed. And, I began another ascent out of the pit.

I spent much of the weekend with friends. Sharing. Lots of sharing. And...I ascended more out of the pit.

I spent the last part of the weekend really asking the question of God...what's next? Specifically, what's next in ministry? I've got to know that He has a plan for me to glorify Him through this tragedy. I've got to know that Chris' suicide was not in vain. I've got to know that God still entrusts me to speak...a call I received years ago but only acted upon in recent years. I've just got to know...

I've been praying for ministry opportunities but in God's timing. I'm willing to do whatever He asks me to do whenever He asks me to do it, but I've got to know it's of Him. And so...the question I felt He spoke back to my heart in response to my "what's next?" question of Him...

What are you passionate about?

This one puzzled me. Well, you Lord, of course.

That's not what I'm asking. What drives you to serve Me on earth?

Ahhh. Ok. Now, I'm starting to see. In short, Your sacrificial love for me.

Who else needs to hear this message?

Lost people.

Yes, my daughter, you are correct. Who else needs to hear this message?

Lost Christians.

(I could almost hear Him chuckle at my oxymoron expression.) Tell me more.

Lord, I'm passionate to serve Christians that feel inadequate to serve you and feel ineffective in life, in general, because of their dysfunctional pasts. I'm passionate to show "Lost Christians" - Christians lost in a sea of regret - how you can use them most, because they have the ability to know you best if they would just open up and allow themselves to be delivered of their brokenness and to be healed from past hurts and shattered hearts. I'm passionate to serve these people, because I've been there. And...I know the type of deliverance You bring. And...I'm especially passionate about serving Lost Christians, because as they are reengaged in life...there are more of us equipped to serve in the "harvest field" to seek the lost people that you so long to have in your eternal family. Hurting people hurt people. Delivered people lead people to the Great Deliverer.

Yes, my daughter. I think you know your passion. So, I ask you again...what drives you to serve me on this earth?

Lost people and hurting, broken, "lost" Christians.

You are ready again. Go, and serve. I will open the doors you are to walk through.

And, out of the pit I climb. Dusted off and ready for action.

It's Like Saying "See Ya Later"

2011-09-19T21:53:00.001-04:00

"I'm praying for you."

"We're keeping you in our prayers."

"I said a little prayer for you today."

"Praying..."

These are all statements that make me smile...and cringe...all at the same time. Yes. I just said it. Sometimes, having someone say, "I'm praying for you" makes me cringe, because it often means nothing more than a greeting. Like "see ya later" or "catch up with ya soon".

Now, before I go any further, please note...I know that there are some serious prayer warriors out there, and I am personally indebted to each of you that has lifted my name to the throne of God on countless occasions. You have no idea what your prayer love does for my grieving spirit.

But...I am also not that naive to think that everybody that tells me they're praying for me is actually doing it. You know why? Because I used to be that person. How 'bout that for a little guilt-laced transparency?

"Back in the day", it was a simple Christian-ese expression of mine to offer to pray for someone, or to say that I was when someone offered up their heartfelt needs for prayer. It's not that I didn't care. I truly did. And...my intentions to pray were always there. But, I would far too often (not always) forget to follow through on my intentions as I fell back in line with my own selfish desires. That's painful to admit, but true.

However, that was over 8 years ago. And, since that time...you can bet your last dollar that if I tell you I'm praying for you...I'm doing it. Often - I do it right after I'm asked (if I can). It's that important to me. I know how desperately I need the prayers of faithful people carrying me through, so I sure as well intend to be just as faithful when I pray.

People are not only counting on us to do what we say we're doing, often they are begging us too. What if you were the one that had...

a child dying of cancer...wouldn't you be begging for prayer?

a spouse that just left you...wouldn't you be begging for prayer?

no job and no immediate prospects...wouldn't you be begging for prayer?

a family member claiming atheism...wouldn't you be begging for prayer?

a marriage on the brink of disaster...wouldn't you be begging for prayer?

a home that just burned down with all of your earthly possessions...wouldn't you be begging for prayer?

a spouse that just committed suicide...wouldn't you be begging for prayer?

I shudder to think that it takes these kinds of disasters to wake us up out of the complacent places of prayer that so many of us currently live. So, today, I beg you...

Don't tell someone you're praying for them unless you really mean it. Your prayer just might be the only one offered up on their behalf that day, and it might be just the thing that makes their heart sing.

And, please...please...please if this is an area of struggle for you, ask God to show you a glimpse of His hurting children through His eyes. Just a glimpse. I guarantee...you'll fall to your knees. I pray you don't have to experience the same type of suffering to truly understand the desperate cries for prayer and the expectation that people are taking seriously your offer of prayer on their behalf.

It's not just a salutation or a "see ya later"...to many, it's their last hope. Think about that...your prayer...might be their last hope. You never know the power in that simple act of obedience.

I love you, and I DO pray for my blog friends! :-) Be blessed!

Today...I Am Joyful!

2011-09-16T10:00:00.002-04:00

Today…I am joyful. Each day I try to choose joy, but even in the choosing…I don’t often “feel it”. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there, nestled into the very cells of my being, but lately I’ve been unable to reach into the depths of me to find it.

Today is different. Today…I am joyful. Today…I am joy-filled. Why? Simply, because…

1. I KNOW I have a Father in Heaven that is closer to me than the air I breathe.

2. I KNOW I am loved by my Abba Father unconditionally.

3. I KNOW God’s plans for me are perfect.

4. I KNOW this world is not my home.

5. I KNOW, beyond all doubt, I will be spending eternity with the God I love and many other loved ones that have preceded me into glory, especially my sweet Chris.

6. I KNOW regardless of the trials and persecutions I’m asked to endure on this earth, it represents only a smidgen of time in the grand design of all eternity.

7. I KNOW God has a purpose for me…it’s why I’m still here.

8. I KNOW there are so many more people on this earth that have yet to really know, and I mean REALLY KNOW, the Good News of God’s grace, and He’s asked me to tell them.

9. I KNOW the news needs to be continually spread about God’s command (not suggestion) to care for the orphan and widow, and as a new widow and one compassionate about orphans…who better to share that news?

10. I KNOW God has me in the palm of His hand.

11. I KNOW God catches every tear I cry.

12. I KNOW God is good…all the time!

My heart is not only broken….it’s completely shattered…but, I cling to what I KNOW about my sweet Savior, as He continues to heal me.

Dear Chris...

2011-09-14T22:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Chris,

As I reflect back on the last 19 weeks without you, I sigh. Deep sighs. And...the tears. Oh...I'm finding that on days like today, they don't cease.

I miss you so much. Those five words can't even convey the depth of how much I miss you. They seem like such trivial words. It's like when you talk with a friend you haven't seen in awhile or when you call a family member that lives across the country. Or...even with you, babe. I've said those words whenever we've been apart for short lengths of time. I recall missing you terribly when I was in Africa last summer. But now...those five words carry such meaning. Too much meaning for even me to grasp. I long to be with you again. And, I know we will be one day. I can't wait for that day. Until then...I continue missing you and journeying life a bit lost.

I have so much to share with you. God has been doing some amazing things for Anna and me since you left. I know He has us in the palm of His hand. I often wonder if He allows you to glimpse from heaven little tidbits of the work He's doing. Oh...I pray so. I pray that you can see that I'm really, really trying to be strong without you. I know you'd want me to live life to the fullest, because that's what we always did together. I have a deeper passion for that now.

As a matter of fact, Anna and I took our Disney trip...you know...the one the three of us were planning for 2012? We had a blast but sure missed you there! Everytime I saw Goofy, I thought of you and how you loved that crazy character.

This Sunday is the Panthers/Packers game that we were planning to go to together. I loved how you catered to the fact that I'm an NFL maniac and even helped me to create my first Carolina Panthers Christmas tree two years ago...even though the Packers are your team. You put me first in everything...even football! Well, I'm still going to the game Sunday. Without you. Your Packers loving friend from church will be going along with me instead. I know that has to make you smile. And...I'll tell you a little secret. This is the ONLY team that I won't be sad to lose to this season...only because of you. (I still hope the Panthers win, though.)

And...speaking of special Christmas trees...we're doing one for you this year. It's a tree in memory of you. Yes...it'll be a REAL one! I know you well - no artificial trees! But, when I say WE...I mean WE. Babe, you have no idea how many people are helping me put this thing together. I couldn't do it on my own, but I want to honor you in this way, because I know how much Christmas meant to you. And to think...you get to be at Jesus' birthday party in heaven this year on that day! What a party that must be! But, I pray God lets you peek at the "Chris Tree" when it's all finished. As ornaments are starting to arrive...my excitement is building. You would be so pleased!

I know how much you loved me. One of your last emails to me stressed that fact and reminded me to never doubt your love. Oh...if I only knew then what you were planning. If it had been possible, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep you by my side.

The loneliness is unbearable sometimes. I have a great support system and wonderful friends and a loving Father in heaven that wants to carry all of this for me. But, I don't have you. If you only knew how much I hurt.

Sometimes I feel like people get tired of reading my depressing posts and comments. And...so they just stop. I try not to be depressing. I just want to be real. I think too often in life we try to live up to other people's expectations (me included). But, this is real. This is who I am - at least for now. I'm not a pretty picture, but I'm real. I pray that my pain, my grief, this journey is not in vain and that somehow, someway it helps somebody else.

I just needed to share from the innermost places of my heart with you tonight sweetheart. Somehow...it offers a smidgen of healing.

I will never forget you. I will never forget the glorious, wonderful, exciting years we shared together. I will never forget the love you poured into me. I have never, ever been loved that deeply before. I didn't deserve that kind of love, but God blessed me with it anyway. He blessed me with you!

I love you!

Leah

He's Enough

2011-09-12T12:01:00.001-04:00

I’ve been thinking about this really hard for the last 19 weeks. I’ve chewed on it until the flavor seems to be all gone. I’ve spoken it out loud, written about it, but yet…I continue to ask myself…do I really mean it?

The question…

If God takes everything and everyone away from me, is He still enough?

Now, before I can give a direct answer to that question, I need to be real about the questions I’ve had to ask myself that have brought me to my answer. God has allowed my precious husband to be taken from me, and He’s giving me the grace to survive this horrific tragedy, but…

1) What if He took away my health? Would He still be enough?

2) What if He took away my beloved job…the place I look forward to serving in each day…would He still be enough?

3) What if He took away all of my friends and left me feeling isolated and lonely? Would He still be enough?

4) What if He took away the one person that has never left my side for the last 14 years, 7 months, and 20 days…my beloved daughter? What if He called her Home before me? Would He still be enough?

5) What if He took away all of my material possessions…what if I ended up homeless? Would He still be enough?

6) What if He took away the speaking ministry He’s given me? What if he closed my lips and allowed me to speak no further? Would He still be enough?

7) What if I lost it all…everything…people, things, security…would He still be enough?

My answer…

YES!!!!! I can answer with a resounding YES!!!!!!

Does this mean that I would not suffer if any of the above losses took place? Absolutely NOT! On the contrary, my suffering would be quite large. I would continue to rise and fall with the waves of grief, as I do now in learning to live without my Chris. (Just typing his name brings tears to my eyes.)

Does this mean that I welcome additional loss? Not in the least. I pray that He spares me further pain that comes close to the pain that I’ve experienced with the loss of my husband. It’s the worse pain I’ve ever endured and to think I might be asked to endure that type of pain again makes me sick to my stomach.

Does this mean that my response to additional loss would be “saintly” and full of wisdom? Nope. I know me too well to know that. I struggle now with walking my current journey of loss in a way that pleases God. I try…but, I know I fail quite often.

So, how can I answer with a resounding YES?

Because…He’s God….He’s always Good…He always keeps His promises…AND, this life that we have to live on earth is so small, covering such a minuscule period of time, and so brief compared to ALL of eternity!

So, YES…He’s enough. I’ll do whatever He asks me to do during this brief season of earthly life to experience the never-ending, glorious season of eternal life. And…if He asks me to experience this journey with nothing but Him…I’ll do that too. Tears and all. Because, He’s enough!

Warring Acrostics

2011-09-08T19:37:00.001-04:00

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ~Ephesians 6:12

Yes. It. Is.

At probably no greater time in my life have I felt the spiritual battle going on around me. While I might not be in battle against flesh and blood, my very own flesh gets caught up in the battle at times - until I drag it back out and remind it where it takes its orders from...the very Word of God!

I battle, in my flesh, the same things people do that don't know Christ. But...the difference? I've already received the Victory, through Christ's death on the cross...FOR ME! I'm not bound by those fleshly battles. They do not determine my eternal home. But, they sure put a damper on this earthly life that I'm still called to live.

So, why do I allow this warring battle of emotions to even take place? Why do I not simply rest in what God's Truth speaks? Because, I'm grieving. Because, I'm not Home yet. Because, I'm imperfect...continually striving for holiness but will never be fully sanctified until I'm standing as a bride before my Holy Groom. And...so the battle wages on.

Now, please don't misunderstand me. This doesn't give me the right to simply give up and cave into my emotions. NEVER! This doesn't give me a right to continue sinning, knowing God is willing to forgive. Absolutely not! But, this does give me liberty in knowing that I have a Perfect Father that adores His imperfect daughter and will continue to help me work out my sweet assurance of salvation until my warring acrostics (using the letters in my husbands first name) look more like the one on the very bottom (see below). I am a work in progress. But, at least I'm in progress. The enemy has no power over me. He will not win!

In my flesh...I feel...
C - confused
H - heart-broken
R - restless
I - invisible
S - sad
T - tainted
O - overwhelmed
P - pained
H - heavy-hearted
E - empty
R - rocky

In Christ...I am working to feel but know that I am...
C - courageous
H - happy
R - restored
I - inspired
S - safe
T - triumphant
O - overjoyed
P - peaceful
H - hopeful
E - encouraged
R - redeemed

Tidal Waves at Disney

2011-09-07T20:30:00.001-04:00

If you were able to read yesterday's post about our recent trip to Disney over Labor Day Weekend, then you know that we had a blast. The time I was able to spend with my daughter was nothing short of treasure-filled. We needed that FUN time together...away from the heartache and stress-filled days of the last 18 weeks. And...we were blessed.

But, even within that blessing, a few tidal waves of grief still appeared. Two of them, I handled slightly better than the other. Regardless...the waves threatened to suffocate me.

While sitting in the airport waiting to board our flight to Orlando, I was suddenly - and, I mean suddenly - overcome with emotion over missing Chris. All I could think at the time...

He should be on this trip with us.

Why are we going on a mini "family" vacation when we're missing a key member of our family?

What was I thinking in trying to do this so soon after Chris' death?

So...I did what I always do in these little panic moments. First, I prayed..."God help me!" Then...I texted, Tweeted, Facebooked, and/or emailed a need for others to pray for me. I know, beyond all doubt, that the reason I've made it this far in the grieving process is because of all the prayers lifted up on my behalf! For that, I am so very thankful! God carried me quickly through that mini "panic attack" and re-directed my mind back to Him and to my time with Anna!

Tidal wave number 2 arrived on Sunday - the 4 month anniversary of the day Chris' body was found. I never really spoke of it on that day to Anna. I really tried hard to go on "business as usual" throughout the day. However, I found myself unusually cranky at times. I blamed it on the heat. I blamed it on the crowds. Finally, I had to face the fact that it was all me. I felt guilty for having fun at Disneyworld when only 4 short months before, I was being delivered the news of my husband's suicide. Guilt - as I have learned - is a byproduct of grief, a natural emotional response. Even so, it's not healthy to remain there. So, I had to emotionally move forward...Chris would want us doing exactly what we were doing. We were actually planning a family vacation to Disney in 2012, and he was so excited about it. It was just happening a little earlier and with one less of us.

The third tidal wave...I didn't handle so well. It was actually so minor in the grand scheme of things, but so HUGE to me at the time. Right after Chris' death in early May, I started wearing his sunglasses. It was such a trivial little thing, but for me, it brought a sense of closeness to him. Silly as it sounds, those cheap Walmart sunglasses brought me comfort. Of course, they went to Disney with me, as well! Our last day at the parks was spent at Hollywood Studios. On one of the 4-D movie rides, I realized I should have probably taken off my sunglasses for fear of them bouncing off my head. So, I gave them to Anna and asked her to put them in the netting under her seat made to hold belongings (since mine was already full with my camera bag).

After the ride was over, we went to gather our belongings, but Anna couldn't find the sunglasses. Then, I crawled under and started to look for them. I looked as long as I could, but they were loading up another group of riders, so I had to vacate the ride. The sunglasses. Were. Gone. And just like that...I felt another dagger pierce my heart. I even took my frustration out on Anna a little. I didn't blame her, but my response and body language said otherwise. It was truly my fault. I should have been more responsible with them, so in all honesty, I was very upset and angry at myself. All this emotion over a little pair of cheap sunglasses.

But...that's just it. It's those secondary losses...the other parts of the greater loss (of my husband) that continue to show up in the tidal waves of grief. Yes, it was just sunglasses. They could easily be replaced. But, they were the same sunglasses that had rested on husband's head, that had protected my husband's eyes, that been held by my husband's large hands. Those could never be replaced. Then again...neither can he.

I apologized to my sweet girl for my abrupt reaction. I replaced the sunglasses. And...I moved on. I continue "surfing the waves"...until the next one sweeps over me. But...even so...I will NOT drown!

Isaiah 43:2

When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.

We're Back!

2011-09-06T21:30:00.002-04:00

We're back from our weekend getaway to Disneyworld in Orlando, FL! My daughter and I had a blast and crammed a whole bunch of fun into 3 days and 3 nights! This trip was a much needed break amidst a summer of heartache and chaos. We both worked really hard to make this trip happen by selling lots of "stuff" that we simply didn't need anymore. We've decided we'd rather spend our time and effort making memories together than collecting "stuff". So, between Craigslist sales, a trip to the flea market, and two gifts...off we went to the most "magical place on earth".

So much happened while we were away that it's simply hard to condense into one blog post, but I'll just highlight a few of those lighter moments today...

**Our trip began with a flight from Charlotte to Orlando. As we were just about to land, the gentleman sitting beside me struck up a conversation with me that went like this:

Man: "What was that?"

Me: Thinking he was referring to the pilot letting down the wheels, said, "The wheels of the plane."

Man: "No. I KNOW that. What was that wet, smelly stuff that just flew all over me?"

Me: "Oh...that? The lady in front of you just misted herself."

Man: "Great. How am I gonna explain smelling like a woman to my WIFE sitting a few rows ahead of me. Will you be my alibi?" (with all seriousness in his question)

Me: "Uh...sure."

Later, after landing and exiting the plane. The man pulled me aside to have me "meet" his wife and proceeded to say, "If I smell like a woman...this lady here can vouch for me."

**One evening, while having dinner at the resort food court, Anna suddenly announced, "I'm stuck!" Perplexed, I asked her what she meant by that. Apparently, she sat in a seat that hadn't been wiped off too well from the previous patrons, and her pants were stuck in something sticky sweet. It wasn't super glue, so she was able to get up. But, at this point...I was laughing so hysterically that I could hardly catch my breath.

**That laugh would later come back to haunt me. On our flight home, the kiddos in the seat behind me apparently spilled their soda. At some point during the flight home, my shoes didn't want to come up off the floor. Now...I was the "stuck" one! (What goes around comes around.)

**You know how when standing in line for a ride, someone will usually come up and ask you how many are in your party? In other words, they need to place you in the correct line based on the number of people you're riding with. Well, when this particular ride worker asked this question of Anna once during the weekend...she confidently announced "FIVE". The worker walked away to find 5 spots and then came back to get all "five of us" only to discover only 2 of us standing there. Again, she said, "How many did you tell me?" Anna then realized her mistake and said, "Oh...I mean two. Just two." While on the ride, I asked Anna, "Where did you come up with 5? Are we riding with some of your imaginary friends? Or - were you saving spaces for some newfound folks you met?" Giggles ensued...and so did the ride.

**One of the highlights of the many shuttles that we took to get around Disney was the bus driver that led our caravan of riders into singing the famous children's tune, "The Wheels on the Bus (Go Round and Round)". As I looked around, the faces on the bus represented Indians, Muslims, Caucasians, African-Americans, and Latinos. But, everybody on the vehicle knew that song! (Now if it could just be that way with "Jesus Loves Me"!)

All kidding aside, we had a great trip. There were a couple more serious moments that I'll blog about (maybe tomorrow), but this time together was nothing less than an expressions of God's abundant mercy and grace showered down upon us! To Him be ALL the glory!

My Chris Tree

2011-08-30T06:00:00.000-04:00

I am so stinkin’ excited about an idea that’s come to me from various sources! I’ve actually been playing around with a thought along this path ever since my hubby died in May, but I just didn’t know the specifics…until now!

First…a little background information, and then I’ll spill the beans…

My sweet husband LOVED Christmas! Now, I know there are a lot of people out there (me included) that just love that “most wonderful time of the year”. But, I’ve never met anyone that loved it as much as he did. He loved it so much that on the 25th of every month, he would watch a Christmas movie just to keep the Christmas spirit alive all year long. It was never about the gifts for him…it was purely the season. But, he loved to shop for that perfect gift for that special person in his life. For me, he would search high and low to find me a new Nativity set every year, because I collect them. But, for himself, he simply wanted others to be blessed…he never wanted money spent on him. As a matter of fact, last Christmas he announced to his extended family that he would rather they “shop” out of the Samaritan’s Purse or World Vision catalog for a gift that could be used in a 3rd world nation as his Christmas gift this year. Always so giving and “others focused” that man of mine was!

(Just a little side note: a memorial fund was set up immediately following Chris’ death in his hometown in Virginia, and all of the gifts received went to purchase goats, cows, sheep, chickens, etc. for those developing nations that Chris had such a heart for. He would be so pleased!)

Anyway…I’ve been really wanting to find away to make this Christmas season one of joy and not of dread. I, too, LOVE Christmas! And, I learned to appreciate it with child-like giddiness again because of my husband. But, this year, I’ve already been feeling a sense of dread over that season. It won’t be the same without my husband. To think of the many things that will be void during this special season because of the absence of my Chris brings me immense sorrow. So, I’ve been desperately trying to find something to replace that sorrow – even now.

So, that’s where my idea for a Chris Tree comes in! I want to put up a tree strictly in Chris’ memory (in addition to our “normal” tree) this year. I envision a tree that has everything to do with Chris…his passions, his hobbies, his loves, his journeys, etc. Celebrating CHRISTmas was so much a part of his makeup – that I can’t think of a better way to celebrate him at that time of year than by having a tree of his own!

But, I could use a little help (and...wow...those are hard words for this girl to write)! I've had so many requests from people asking what they can do for Anna and me or how can they help out a new widow? Here's a small but practical way. It’s a little daunting to think of trying to find enough ornaments to fill an average-sized tree when it’s now just under 4 months until Christmas. So, like so many of us, maybe you have some ornaments that no longer mean anything to you that you’d like to get rid of or run across an ornament or two in a flea market or yard sale that might fit Chris’ tree perfectly. If so, would you consider donating it to his special tree? If you’re interested in doing this, please contact me by direct message on Facebook or by email: leahgillen89@yahoo.com, and I’ll be happy to send you the address to which they can be mailed.

To give you some ideas of the types of ornaments I’m looking for, anything to do with…

Hunting
Fishing
Scuba diving
Sailing
The beach – ocean
Hot sauce
Cookies
Silly hats
Baking
Cooking
Fire and rescue (Chris served on the fire dept. & life saving crew for many years!)
The song Amazing Grace
Superman (long story with that one)
Green Bay Packers
Fish fries
Australia - Great Barrier Reef (his dream scuba trip he took many years ago)
Anything w/ his name or initials (CAG)
Jesus (well, obviously all of CHRISTmas is Jesus-centered...but, something specific that might "look like" Chris)
Or anything else that God might lay on your heart

Thanks friends! I know this is a strange request, but I think it can be something utterly amazing with the help of others! And…it would absolutely “bless my heart” (one of Chris’ favorite expressions by the way…ha!).

Still Celebrating His Birthday...

2011-08-29T05:57:00.005-04:00

Without it...his parents would have never had their little boy.

Without it...his sisters would have never had a brother.

Without it...the Glade Spring Fire Department would have been void of their chief & fish fry master.

Without it...hundreds (if not thousands) of onlookers would have missed seeing all the funny hats that he wore.

Without it...many lives would have existed with a huge unexplainable void.

Without it...my daughter would have never had a step-father that adored her and would be content to play game after game of cards with her.

Without it...I would have never met my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my earthly life, my beloved husband.

So today...even though he's been in the arms of Jesus for nearly 17 weeks...without my husband's birth 46 years ago...many people (especially me) would have missed out on one of life's greatest blessings!

So for that reason, I'm still celebrating his birthday...

(These are just a few pics of us celebrating Chris' birthday last year at Hungry Mother State Park in Marion, VA. What wonderful memories we have from that weekend!)

New ministry I’m excited to share with you!

2011-08-25T17:35:00.001-04:00

Hi friends! I’m taking a timeout from my usual blogging (lately all about my grief journey) to share with you something that I’m so excited about and very passionate about…DIY Ministry. You may have seen the new header (look above right under my blog title) or the new button to the right under the She Speaks Graduate button. Either of these links will take you to DIY Ministry created by sweet and mega-talented friends of mine for the sheer purpose of aiding others in the technological “issues” of ministry. Oh…how I need that!!!

To share in their own words…

“Ministries expanding into online platforms is a growing concept and it is catching on at an alarming rate. Thousands of people log on to social networking sites, write or read blogs, and participate in forums on a daily basis. They enjoy being a part of an encouraging and uplifting group of Christians but some long to do more. They long to lead. The problem is that they don’t know how. We intend to help remedy that problem.”

Maybe you’re a blog writer that really wants to do more with your blog and simply don’t know where to start. Or…maybe you’re a devoted blog reader that simply longs to have a blog of your own but are completely overwhelmed by all of the options that you keep running into. That’s one of the many reasons DIY Ministry exists. I really encourage you to take time to browse their website and see for yourself. But…in a nutshell…here are just a few of the services they provide:

Articles & Tutorials
Website Training
Personalized Help
Discounts
Web Presence Assessment
Live Online Workshops
Wordpress Tutorial Videos (which are AMAZING by the way!!!)
Content Specific eBooks

I personally love the Wordpress videos!!! I can’t stress that enough! Speaking of Wordpress…

Just a little heads up about the things to come with my own personal blog…it’s moving to Wordpress in the near future! I can’t tell you how jubilant I am about this, and it can’t come quickly enough for me! As a result, DIY Ministry is becoming a resource that I find I can’t live without. Stay tuned for updates about my new website in the weeks ahead, but just know that I’ll also be moving to www.leahgillen.org. That’ll be a lot shorter to remember than the current name of this site. Ha! Ha!

Be blessed blog friends & prayer warriors!

Heart Flutters

2011-08-24T09:00:00.001-04:00

I caught a glimpse of him as he walked his elderly wife to the truck and then proceeded to unlock and open the door for her. She gave him a genuinely respectful smile, and he slowly made his way to the driver’s side of the vehicle. With a quick start of the engine, they were soon gone.

My heart fluttered. I was happily able to observe what appeared to be a simple, yet sweet, true love – now fully blossomed – more-than-likely in its last years on earth. I was able to witness chivalry alive and well. And, I smiled.

My heart fluttered again. This time, the flutter came from the fact that the discovery of my husband’s death by suicide 16 weeks ago today began a nightmarish journey that would result in my true love never being able to fully blossom. My heart fluttered again, while reminiscing the memories of my own gentleman of a husband doing the same thing for me many times during our courtship and marriage. But, this time, my fluttering heart produced a cavernous loneliness. And, I cried.

No sooner had the first tear fallen than my spirit quickened to His still, small voice…

I am near. You are not alone. If you only knew, my daughter, how close I am right now to you.

Oh...Heavenly Father…reveal more of yourself to me. Let me truly feel your nearness. I long for your Presence. My mind knows you are near…please, allow my heart to come to that same understanding as I walk through these painful days of grief.

Pure emotions. If nothing else, I’m trying my best to be honest with my unadulterated emotions during this grief process. I can honestly say that I haven’t always done that. I’ve been a great actress at times, if I do say so myself. But, I cease to pretend. I’m choosing to face the emotions…head on…no matter how painful.

Be near, Oh Lord, be near…