When I shared with my friend that I thought I needed to start blogging again, especially in light of my husband's tragic death, she agreed on one condition..."no pretty bows". She was quick to remind me that my tendency in blogging is no matter how humorous, how serious, or how painful my posts are...I tend to wrap them up and place a pretty bow on top. She was right. I may not always succeed, but that is my intent, because I want to offer hope...hope to my readers that regardless of life's sufferings...there is always Hope.
While I still believe that with everything in me, right now my posts will tend to be more reflective of my pain. My very raw pain. I'm still learning to cope. I'm still asking questions. I'm still begging God to let this simply be a bad dream. So, if you choose to continue to read along and share this journey with me...just know that I'm temporarily out of pretty bows. The wrapping might be ugly, but it's very, very real.
Last night and this morning I've been stuck. Stuck in realizing that not only did my husband die last week but all of our hopes and dreams that we talked about died too. I'm not only grieving the loss of my best friend and true love, but I'm grieving the loss of our dreams of...
1. ...restored fertility allowing more children.
2. ...adopting from Ethiopia.
3. ...me learning to scuba dive so that we could share in Chris' passion for the sport together.
4. ...owning a place at the beach, since we loved being at the ocean more than anywhere else.
5. ...going on a mission trip TOGETHER.
6. ...being debt free enabling us to live on very little and give most of it away. Chris' passion for giving was unbelievable.
7. ...growing old together.
8. ...spoiling our grandbabies.
9. ...going on a cruise for my 40th birthday next year.
My heart hurts more than I can express. My grief is greater than I can even fathom. And...right now I can't think beyond today, because today is difficult enough. But, as my dear friends reminded me when they were visiting last night..."God has only promised you the grace for today." Very true. So, for today...that's where I settle...in my portion of grace allotted for me today.