Saturday, May 14, 2011

Our Dreams Died Too

When I shared with my friend that I thought I needed to start blogging again, especially in light of my husband's tragic death, she agreed on one condition..."no pretty bows". She was quick to remind me that my tendency in blogging is no matter how humorous, how serious, or how painful my posts are...I tend to wrap them up and place a pretty bow on top. She was right. I may not always succeed, but that is my intent, because I want to offer hope...hope to my readers that regardless of life's sufferings...there is always Hope.

While I still believe that with everything in me, right now my posts will tend to be more reflective of my pain. My very raw pain. I'm still learning to cope. I'm still asking questions. I'm still begging God to let this simply be a bad dream. So, if you choose to continue to read along and share this journey with me...just know that I'm temporarily out of pretty bows. The wrapping might be ugly, but it's very, very real.

Last night and this morning I've been stuck. Stuck in realizing that not only did my husband die last week but all of our hopes and dreams that we talked about died too. I'm not only grieving the loss of my best friend and true love, but I'm grieving the loss of our dreams of...

1. ...restored fertility allowing more children.
2. ...adopting from Ethiopia.
3. learning to scuba dive so that we could share in Chris' passion for the sport together.
4. ...owning a place at the beach, since we loved being at the ocean more than anywhere else.
5. ...going on a mission trip TOGETHER.
6. ...being debt free enabling us to live on very little and give most of it away. Chris' passion for giving was unbelievable.
7. ...growing old together.
8. ...spoiling our grandbabies.
9. ...going on a cruise for my 40th birthday next year.

My heart hurts more than I can express. My grief is greater than I can even fathom. And...right now I can't think beyond today, because today is difficult enough. But, as my dear friends reminded me when they were visiting last night..."God has only promised you the grace for today." Very true. So, for today...that's where I my portion of grace allotted for me today.


  1. And there is the pretty bow "God's grace". Thanks for the very real post. I don't know you personally, but God puts you on my heart often. Continuing to pray for you daily as He pour on His portion of grace for that day.

  2. I second what Deidre says. God brings your name to my heart very, very often in my prayers, Leah. I want you to know that you're still witnessing to others through your verses posted on Twitter and your blog. Keep hold of that Hope and welcome that grace. We'll both mourn this awful sadness and rejoice in His love along with you.

  3. Leah, be very patient with yourself...only taking these steps of grief one day at a time. Instead of looking at what "never will be" in honor of Chris, allow some of these items TO BE. You and your daughter take scuba lessons and share in the passion that Chris had. You and your daughter go on a Mission Trip and live the dream. There's so many things you can do to honor him. Nevertheless, the first thing you must do is grieve. Thank you for sharing from the depth of your sadness. It is an honor to pray for you my friend.

  4. I don't know you but I walked your road with my sister. Death of dreams seems just a brutal even though they are less tangible than a physical body. My prayers have been thick for you. I wake up with you on my heart and pray for you daily. Thanks for this blog. It will be the testimony a LASTING testimony of how GOD will meet you in your grief. Continue to share and KNOW that prayers from people you don't even know are reaching the heights of Heaven. Blessings, Connie

  5. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Leah.

  6. Praying for you, friend. {hug}

  7. Leah,
    I am praying for you daily. My best friend's (34 y/o) husband died unexpectedly in November, and they have two small children. She says she is so grateful for everyone praying for her, because she is still at a point where it's difficult for her to pray....she says she feels like she just mumbles. She is thankful that even when she can't pray, so many are interceding on her behalf. Please know that I am doing that for you, too.

  8. Leah,
    Your faith inspite of recent events has inspired me to return to the feet of Our Savior! I pray that you find peace and the courage to do the things on your list that you are able!

  9. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NLT) "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may work through me."

    Leah, I know you want God to take it away, like a bad dream. But His grace is carrying you through this. In your weakness, lean into His strong arms.

  10. I am so proud of you. You faith inspires me. Walking with you.

  11. Sweet Leah, I think your memory verse needs to be Beth's verse for today (the 15th):
    “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He delivers those who are discouraged.” Psalm 34:18 (NET)

    You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  12. Sweet Leah,

    Thank you for being real and raw and sharing your pain. It's a beautiful thing that I know will honor the Lord and bring healing to many.

    You're in may prayers!
    Love, Sam