Thanks to each of you that have been faithfully following this journey of grief I've been traveling. Thank you for the massive amounts of love and prayer I've received. I know this is a result of being so transparent, because otherwise...you probably wouldn't even know this recent tragedy I've experienced ever even happened in the first place.
However, being transparent also comes with a cost. It allows folks to see a snippet of you...but not enough to make fair judgments. It allows people to faithfully pray for you when you ask for it...but when you might be a little blog or social media quiet, it's easier to forget. I understand that. We all have lives to live, which include our own set of difficulties. But, being transparent also causes many people to want to offer advice, correction, rebukes in love, etc. over the way you should/should not be feeling. That's where I'm struggling today.
Monday's blog post is still what I'm clinging to...I CHOOSE JOY! Even in the midst of the pit that I've found myself back in today, I still choose joy. However, I find that there are some days that I find it a little easier than others. Today is not one of those days.
Today...I see Chris' face in a picture on my phone, and my heart flutters with panic over suddenly realizing my loss all over again.
Today...I pick up a piece of paper that he's written on, and I'm stopped in my tracks just staring at it and retracing every letter with my fingertip.
Today...I face the fact that while I'm progressing in many "normal" respects to what the "experts" say I should be doing, I've got a long way to go.
Today...I find myself angry over the lack of local support groups for CHRISTIANS that have lost a spouse to suicide.
Today...I am bewildered over the number of people that think I should act a certain way (or not post certain words) throughout this process "because I'm a Christian" and yet have never walked in my shoes.
Today...I am frustrated that I'm having to deal with this pain to begin with.
Today...I am angry over the fact that I should be excited about my upcoming She Speaks conference, but instead...I'm a bit overwhelmed and question quite often if I should even be there (don't worry P31 gals...I'm still coming).
Today...I am overwhelmed at the amount of "stuff" still on my to-do list.
Today...I am probably in much greater need of a vacation more than ever, but that doesn't appear to be in my near future.
Today...I STILL choose joy through this process. Today...I still give thanks for ALL of God's blessings - some I have yet to see.
But, today...I felt the need to clear up the fact that I'm still hurting deeply, and it's normal. I still have good days and bad days all mixed in together, and that's also normal. But, unless you've walked exactly in my shoes...there will be a piece of this that you won't understand. And...that's also normal. Just please don't judge my grief, and how I go at it. It hurts enough as it is. And, if it's too painful to watch, you certainly don't have to hang out here with me.
What Satan would love to see me do is "shut up" and internalize everything. Well, that is one thing I'm definitely not going to do. So, if you feel led to pray when I send out a prayer request...bless you and thank you! If you feel led to comment a word of encouragement...bless you and thank you!
Some posts are just going to be REAL and probably not too pretty. This is one of those, because I'm...
Continuing to heal...