Generally, I'm about as fearless as they come. There is very little I'm afraid of, and I have quite the adventurous spirit - making me a bit of a "daredevil" at times. I'm just wired that way, and it's certainly made for interesting experiences in life (with hopefully many more to come).
However, I have to admit something. I'm scared. I'm actually scared...of grief.
You're probably thinking...why now? After nearly 7 months as a widow, she's just now figuring out she's scared of grief? What's to be scared of? She's already survived 7 months.
Actually, I've been scared of it all along. I'm just admitting it now. It's really hard to explain, and I've been trying to sort out my feelings over this, hence the blog post about it. Like everything else along this journey, I find it makes more sense to me (even if to nobody else) if I write about it. So, here I am...
Honestly, I'm scared of the unknowns of grief. I'm scared of the peaks and valleys. I'm scared of the waves that come out of nowhere and try to "carry me out to sea". I'm scared of losing control over my emotions (it's happened a couple of times already) - especially in places not conducive to such an "event". I'm scared of people getting tired of my grieving, thereby losing my support system. I'm scared of forgetting something important (my mind is still very muddled these days). I'm scared of not having a shoulder to cry on when I need it most. I'm just plain scared.
I know the "Christianese" responses to the above. I know what the Bible says about fear. I especially know the part about there being no fear in love, and God's love casts out fear. I know that I need to just leave this at the Lord's throne for Him to deal with. I know all of these things, but right now...knowing them and living them out are two entirely different things.
Entering this season of Advent and Christmas is very emotional for me. Very, very emotional. This makes my grief fears all the more prevalent. I don't know all the answers for what this next month holds, but I know the One that does. I'm desperately clinging to Him now. I don't want to be scared anymore.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Serving My Way up the Healing Ladder
I've heard it said many times before...one of the best ways to receive emotional healing is through serving. Now, I'm not talking about masking feelings or hiding from emotions that need to be dealt with. I simply mean serving even while healing, which can often bring a greater depth and meaning to the healing process.
I know, because I'm there.
This past Sunday, I began serving as a Connect Group leader (a/k/a Sunday School teacher) at my church. I have the privilege of teaching a wonderful group of ladies each Sunday morning. I was actually planning to be the assistant teacher for this class last spring and met these women for the first time the week before Chris died. But, May 4 changed everything.
I had to temporarily pull away from ministry of any kind. I was in no condition to minister, but I needed ministering to on many levels. I am also a speaker, and shockingly I was able to share even if only for two 3-5 minute segments this past July...just two months after my husband went to Heaven. Even then, God spoke through me, because I wasn't ready for ministry.
I look back at some of the blog posts I've written these last (nearly) 7 months, and I know those words had to be from Him...I hardly remember writing them.
But, this past September, I began sensing a change. I knew God was preparing me for ministry again. I began to doubt Him. I knew He gave me a story to share, and I need to be a good steward of that story, but does He really think I'm ready to serve again?
He was relentless. He wouldn't stop pursuing me. He clearly spoke to my heart that I was acting like Jonah and trying to escape his plans for me. Seriously? OK...I gave in.
What is it Lord? What do I need to do?
Leave your Connect Group at church and return to the ladies group, as a participant. I'll guide your every step.
Not that! Please...don't make me leave my comfort zone. This was my class with Chris. This is the class that has supported me every step of the way since May 4. I'm afraid I'll be a burden to the ladies. Let me just stay where I'm at.
I'm not asking you to teach (yet)...just obey me and return to that class. I'll take care of the rest.
And, I reluctantly (yes, I admit the reluctance) obeyed. I told my Connect Group friends "goodbye" and begged them to not forget me. You'd think I was moving to Tibet or something. I was just going a few doors down the hall. But, it was hard. Or so I thought...
As soon as I walked into the door that first time back in mid-October, I felt an overwhelming peace wash over me. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. And, so I sat under the teaching of my friend, Lorie, for several weeks before the call came.
One of our pastors called me in early November to let me know that Lorie would be stepping down from her teaching position to ready her family for an out-of-state move. Would I pray about taking over the class?
And...there it was. I knew the answer already, but I agreed to pray anyway. The very next week, I called Pastor Bill up and said "yes". I knew it was all part of God's greater plan. If I said no, I would be disobeying Him. I couldn't do that. I shared my Jonah story with him, and we both laughed at how God so clearly reveals Himself to us sometimes - even when we refuse to believe Him.
And so...this past Sunday was my first day teaching the class. It felt SO good to be in the servant seat again. It felt so good to be giving instead of always receiving. And, in doing so...I believe I climbed up another rung on the healing ladder!
To God be all the Glory!
I know, because I'm there.
This past Sunday, I began serving as a Connect Group leader (a/k/a Sunday School teacher) at my church. I have the privilege of teaching a wonderful group of ladies each Sunday morning. I was actually planning to be the assistant teacher for this class last spring and met these women for the first time the week before Chris died. But, May 4 changed everything.
I had to temporarily pull away from ministry of any kind. I was in no condition to minister, but I needed ministering to on many levels. I am also a speaker, and shockingly I was able to share even if only for two 3-5 minute segments this past July...just two months after my husband went to Heaven. Even then, God spoke through me, because I wasn't ready for ministry.
I look back at some of the blog posts I've written these last (nearly) 7 months, and I know those words had to be from Him...I hardly remember writing them.
But, this past September, I began sensing a change. I knew God was preparing me for ministry again. I began to doubt Him. I knew He gave me a story to share, and I need to be a good steward of that story, but does He really think I'm ready to serve again?
He was relentless. He wouldn't stop pursuing me. He clearly spoke to my heart that I was acting like Jonah and trying to escape his plans for me. Seriously? OK...I gave in.
What is it Lord? What do I need to do?
Leave your Connect Group at church and return to the ladies group, as a participant. I'll guide your every step.
Not that! Please...don't make me leave my comfort zone. This was my class with Chris. This is the class that has supported me every step of the way since May 4. I'm afraid I'll be a burden to the ladies. Let me just stay where I'm at.
I'm not asking you to teach (yet)...just obey me and return to that class. I'll take care of the rest.
And, I reluctantly (yes, I admit the reluctance) obeyed. I told my Connect Group friends "goodbye" and begged them to not forget me. You'd think I was moving to Tibet or something. I was just going a few doors down the hall. But, it was hard. Or so I thought...
As soon as I walked into the door that first time back in mid-October, I felt an overwhelming peace wash over me. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. And, so I sat under the teaching of my friend, Lorie, for several weeks before the call came.
One of our pastors called me in early November to let me know that Lorie would be stepping down from her teaching position to ready her family for an out-of-state move. Would I pray about taking over the class?
And...there it was. I knew the answer already, but I agreed to pray anyway. The very next week, I called Pastor Bill up and said "yes". I knew it was all part of God's greater plan. If I said no, I would be disobeying Him. I couldn't do that. I shared my Jonah story with him, and we both laughed at how God so clearly reveals Himself to us sometimes - even when we refuse to believe Him.
And so...this past Sunday was my first day teaching the class. It felt SO good to be in the servant seat again. It felt so good to be giving instead of always receiving. And, in doing so...I believe I climbed up another rung on the healing ladder!
To God be all the Glory!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thanksgiving Praises!
 |
| Thanksgiving Day morning - my girl and me! |
We traveled about 3 1/2 hours away to enjoy the festivities with friends. With only one exception that I can recall (last year), we've spent Thanksgiving with the Hampson family every single year since 2003. We've created many Thanksgiving traditions throughout that time, but in recent years...our lineup has looked something like this...
Wednesday evening - Travel and arrive at the Hampson home. Unpack and laugh, laugh, laugh.
Thursday morning - Chris and Brett rise at the crack of dawn to go hunting. Kandi, Leah, and the other "womenfolk" start working on the food festivities. After returning from the "big hunt" - Chris and Brett would head for the newspaper run. Gotta get their gals the sales ads! We also have the Macy's T-giving Day parade playing in the background.
Thursday early afternoon - EAT!!! And football!
Thursday late afternoon - Chris and Brett would go out hunting again. The ladies head to Michael's - (up until this year) one of the few stores opened BEFORE Black Friday. We have specific things we look for every single year at Michael's but not without our coupons handy!
Thursday evening - Eat more. Play games. Crash early to be able to get up pre-dawn for Black Friday shopping.
Friday morning - Men head to the woods for more hunting (and hopefully "finding"). Women head to the stores for hunting of their own (bargain hunting, that is).
Friday evening - Games and laughter! Early to bed after a long day of hunting and shopping!
Saturday morning - Head home to start decorating for Christmas!
This year looked similar to years prior with the biggest exception - NO Chris!
--Brett hunted alone.
--Kandi went for the newspaper run.
--I watched Chris' favorite NFL team (Green Bay Packers) beat the Detroit Lions without him.
--Upon waking (alone) in my bed, the first person I spoke to that morning was the Lord, my new husband.
We spoke of Chris often. We laughed over funny memories we shared with my "Superman". But, it was evident. We all missed him.
I never had a full blown "meltdown" - praise God for that! I shed many tears in private, but all-in-all I was able to smile quite a bit. This would have been completely impossible with the prayers of so many people. Boy - I know that too well!
I'm so thankful God carried me through this special day, and I continue to pray for more of the same all the days leading up through Christmas. That was always Chris' favorite holiday!
I miss him more now than ever it seems!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
My First Thanksgiving as a Widow
It's here. Another of the many days I've been awaiting with guarded anticipation. My first Thanksgiving as a widow. In truth, I don't like this place I find myself. I don't like being a 39-year-old widow (yes - I'm still 39 for another month or so...ha!). I see the Norman Rockwell paintings of families on Thanksgiving Day, and mine looks nothing like that. But, God's plans for me are better...always better! I'm trusting in that fully. I don't have to like it, but I love Him, and I trust Him. And so...I CHOOSE to be thankful today.
In reflecting on this first Thanksgiving as a widow, I made a list of 10 things I'm so thankful for. Sure - there are many, many more. But, here are 10! I also asked another new widow friend of mine if she would consider sharing 10 things that she's also thankful for on this, her first Thanksgiving without her hubby by her side, also. Cindy Cain said she would be delighted to do so. Interestingly...ours are similar in many respects! :-)
It is our desire that no matter what you've gone through this year, what you're enduring right now, what tragedies might be creeping up to your doorstep even as this is typed...our prayer is that you can CHOOSE to be thankful despite these circumstances. And know...PLEASE know...God loves you so much, and His plans are ALWAYS better, even if that's hard to see right now.
Cindy Cain – 10 Things I am Thankful for Despite Loss:
1 – Reflecting on this year, I cannot help but to list the thing I am most thankful for - my relationship with my Savior. The motto that my husband and I lived by is: “Through It All, Faith”. Well, this year I am thankful that Through It All, God Is Faithful!!!! No matter what, God is Faithful.
2 – This year, more than ever, I am thankful for the gift of adoption and my two sons. God chose them for us, and I could not be more thankful for the precious ones He placed in my life.
3 – I am thankful for being blessed with more than 30 years of living life with my beloved, who now spends his days with Jesus. Though the past 11 months have been extremely difficult, I cannot help but be thankful for all of the years we had together, for the memories those years hold and for a sound mind that is able to recall those treasured moments.
4 – How could I not be thankful for the beautiful granddaughters God has given to my family and of course the blessing of another grandchild coming in May 2012? They are precious reminders of His Faithfulness and Love.
5 – Freedom! Though the freedom we have to worship openly in the United States is being challenged on a daily basis, I am still grateful for its viability.
6 – Provision! God does not promise that we will never have trials or tribulations but He does promise to provide our needs as we walk this journey on earth. This year He has not only provided our needs, He has also chosen to bless us in creative ways that could only come from His hand.
7 – Work! Yes, I am thankful for work! It is a privilege to get up 4 days a week and join a group of ladies who have one purpose for their day and that is to minister to the needs of sick children and their families. I am grateful for my job and the blessings it provides in my life.
8 – Peace! In the midst of unspeakable pain God has given me peace. Peace in knowing that He is more than enough No. Matter. What!!
9 – Opportunities! While I have spent a good amount of time shedding tears of loss and sadness, God has given me numerous opportunities to worship Him and glorify Him through my grief walk. He has also given me opportunities to be a light in a lost and hurting world by trusting Him to walk this journey with me while allowing others to be blessed through sharing, caring and being available to speak truth into their lives.
10 – JOY! Though true Joy has come in small doses during the past 11 months, I am continually thankful for its presence. Understanding the difference between joy and happiness has been a learning process. Within the unhappy moments of my life there is an underlying Joy which pulses from the depths of my soul. It comes from a knowing that God is in control and this life is but a momentary blip of my forever with Him. For that Joy and promise I am most thankful.
Ten Things I'm Thankful for on This First Thanksgiving as a Widow:
1 - My Savior. Without Him, I am nothing. I could never walk this Grief Road without Him. He is my Life Preserver. My Anchor. He is my source of Pure Joy.
2 - Anna. My beautiful daughter. Her laughter and her smile lights up my life. Her passion for the poor at such a young age astounds me. Her love for the Lord is contagious. Sure - she's imperfect, but she's perfect for me! God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed her in my life!
3 - My support network of friends and family. Astounding. Amazing. God has blessed my socks off with love from people all over this world (YES - world!). I am totally undeserving of this kind of love being poured out upon me, but I am oh so very thankful!
4 - My country. Granted, things are a bit of a mess right now, but I'm still proud to be an American. I'm still thankful that I can profess the name of Christ without being in fear for my life. That I can worship corporately and publicly and not hidden out of fear.
5 - My job at Blue Ridge Broadcasting. It was no "coincidence" that I received an offer to go to work for this blessed organization on the very day that Chris took his life. Even on the day that my heart was about to be shattered by the one I love, the One that loves me most was already weaving together His next step in His greater plan for me.
6 - Ministry opportunities. WOW! Just WOW! God is beginning to open doors for me that I never dreamed would be open again or even for the first time. And, what He's revealing to me is that NOW is the time He's been preparing me for...NOW is the time He's planning to use me to minister to others in very unique ways. I no longer ask "why now?"...I just walk through the doors He tells me to walk through.
7 - Grief. Yes - I'm thankful for this emotional monster. With it, I am learning to be more mercy-filled and compassionate. With it, I am more understanding of others going through similar journeys. With it, I am more patient. With it, I am more humble. With it, I am learning and trying to be more Christ-like.
8 - Heaven. I've always looked forward to Heaven, but now I LONG for Heaven. I dream of Heaven. I can't wait for Heaven. And...I'm so thankful that this life is just a smidgen of time compared to eternity. And to think...God is preparing a place for me RIGHT NOW...a very special place! I'm so thankful to have Heaven to look forward to. Thank you Jesus for saving me!
9 - Laughter. Oh, I am so thankful for laughter. God has truly surrounded me with people that know how to make me laugh. It truly is healing medicine for me!
10 - You. Yes...I'm thankful for you. I'm astounded that so many of you continue to stop by here as often as you do and take time to read the little nuggets that I write (depressing as they are sometimes). You encourage me. You uplift me. You delight me. You keep me going on difficult days. You are being the hands and feet of Jesus to me! Thank you!
In reflecting on this first Thanksgiving as a widow, I made a list of 10 things I'm so thankful for. Sure - there are many, many more. But, here are 10! I also asked another new widow friend of mine if she would consider sharing 10 things that she's also thankful for on this, her first Thanksgiving without her hubby by her side, also. Cindy Cain said she would be delighted to do so. Interestingly...ours are similar in many respects! :-)
It is our desire that no matter what you've gone through this year, what you're enduring right now, what tragedies might be creeping up to your doorstep even as this is typed...our prayer is that you can CHOOSE to be thankful despite these circumstances. And know...PLEASE know...God loves you so much, and His plans are ALWAYS better, even if that's hard to see right now.
 |
| My friend, Cindy Cain |
1 – Reflecting on this year, I cannot help but to list the thing I am most thankful for - my relationship with my Savior. The motto that my husband and I lived by is: “Through It All, Faith”. Well, this year I am thankful that Through It All, God Is Faithful!!!! No matter what, God is Faithful.
2 – This year, more than ever, I am thankful for the gift of adoption and my two sons. God chose them for us, and I could not be more thankful for the precious ones He placed in my life.
3 – I am thankful for being blessed with more than 30 years of living life with my beloved, who now spends his days with Jesus. Though the past 11 months have been extremely difficult, I cannot help but be thankful for all of the years we had together, for the memories those years hold and for a sound mind that is able to recall those treasured moments.
4 – How could I not be thankful for the beautiful granddaughters God has given to my family and of course the blessing of another grandchild coming in May 2012? They are precious reminders of His Faithfulness and Love.
5 – Freedom! Though the freedom we have to worship openly in the United States is being challenged on a daily basis, I am still grateful for its viability.
6 – Provision! God does not promise that we will never have trials or tribulations but He does promise to provide our needs as we walk this journey on earth. This year He has not only provided our needs, He has also chosen to bless us in creative ways that could only come from His hand.
7 – Work! Yes, I am thankful for work! It is a privilege to get up 4 days a week and join a group of ladies who have one purpose for their day and that is to minister to the needs of sick children and their families. I am grateful for my job and the blessings it provides in my life.
8 – Peace! In the midst of unspeakable pain God has given me peace. Peace in knowing that He is more than enough No. Matter. What!!
9 – Opportunities! While I have spent a good amount of time shedding tears of loss and sadness, God has given me numerous opportunities to worship Him and glorify Him through my grief walk. He has also given me opportunities to be a light in a lost and hurting world by trusting Him to walk this journey with me while allowing others to be blessed through sharing, caring and being available to speak truth into their lives.
10 – JOY! Though true Joy has come in small doses during the past 11 months, I am continually thankful for its presence. Understanding the difference between joy and happiness has been a learning process. Within the unhappy moments of my life there is an underlying Joy which pulses from the depths of my soul. It comes from a knowing that God is in control and this life is but a momentary blip of my forever with Him. For that Joy and promise I am most thankful.
 |
| Chris & Me - Thanksgiving Day 2007 |
1 - My Savior. Without Him, I am nothing. I could never walk this Grief Road without Him. He is my Life Preserver. My Anchor. He is my source of Pure Joy.
2 - Anna. My beautiful daughter. Her laughter and her smile lights up my life. Her passion for the poor at such a young age astounds me. Her love for the Lord is contagious. Sure - she's imperfect, but she's perfect for me! God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed her in my life!
3 - My support network of friends and family. Astounding. Amazing. God has blessed my socks off with love from people all over this world (YES - world!). I am totally undeserving of this kind of love being poured out upon me, but I am oh so very thankful!
4 - My country. Granted, things are a bit of a mess right now, but I'm still proud to be an American. I'm still thankful that I can profess the name of Christ without being in fear for my life. That I can worship corporately and publicly and not hidden out of fear.
5 - My job at Blue Ridge Broadcasting. It was no "coincidence" that I received an offer to go to work for this blessed organization on the very day that Chris took his life. Even on the day that my heart was about to be shattered by the one I love, the One that loves me most was already weaving together His next step in His greater plan for me.
6 - Ministry opportunities. WOW! Just WOW! God is beginning to open doors for me that I never dreamed would be open again or even for the first time. And, what He's revealing to me is that NOW is the time He's been preparing me for...NOW is the time He's planning to use me to minister to others in very unique ways. I no longer ask "why now?"...I just walk through the doors He tells me to walk through.
7 - Grief. Yes - I'm thankful for this emotional monster. With it, I am learning to be more mercy-filled and compassionate. With it, I am more understanding of others going through similar journeys. With it, I am more patient. With it, I am more humble. With it, I am learning and trying to be more Christ-like.
8 - Heaven. I've always looked forward to Heaven, but now I LONG for Heaven. I dream of Heaven. I can't wait for Heaven. And...I'm so thankful that this life is just a smidgen of time compared to eternity. And to think...God is preparing a place for me RIGHT NOW...a very special place! I'm so thankful to have Heaven to look forward to. Thank you Jesus for saving me!
9 - Laughter. Oh, I am so thankful for laughter. God has truly surrounded me with people that know how to make me laugh. It truly is healing medicine for me!
10 - You. Yes...I'm thankful for you. I'm astounded that so many of you continue to stop by here as often as you do and take time to read the little nuggets that I write (depressing as they are sometimes). You encourage me. You uplift me. You delight me. You keep me going on difficult days. You are being the hands and feet of Jesus to me! Thank you!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Never Alone
I can't tell you how many times I've replayed Tuesday night, May 3, in my mental CD player - over and over and over.
Track 1 - Can't get Chris to respond to my texts or calls
Track 2 - Something's wrong - need help
Track 3 - At the police station filing a missing person's report
Track 4 - Back home waiting on a pastor friend to arrive
Track 5 - Driving all over the fog-filled Blue Ridge Parkway roads looking for Chris' missing truck
Track 6 - Realized it was no longer Tuesday, May 3
Track 7 - Worrying that Chris is all alone, hurt, scared, cold, wondering why I haven't found him
Track 7 is the one that I now have the answer to, but it's also the one I keep playing, because I often wonder...
How long was he alone before he made the choice to end his life?
Was he crying? Was he stoic? Did he pray?
Was he cold - it was such an usually ugly weather night?
Did he think about me? Did he think about Anna?
Was he scared? Did he ever feel abandoned?
Why oh why couldn't somebody have been there to stop him? Why?????????
And then...He speaks to me again...like He has so often these last 6 1/2 months.
My precious daughter, I was with him the entire time. Just like I've promised over and over, I will never, ever leave you or forsake you, I NEVER left Chris and was there as he took his final breath on earth and entered my presence in Heaven. I can answer every single one of the questions you keep asking yourself, but it truly doesn't matter now - does it? Just rest in the fact that Chris was never alone. Never. I whispered to him many times that evening, just like I'm whispering to you now. And, I tenderly held him. Just know this...he told you this himself in his last email to you...never doubt how much he loved you. Daughter, let that be enough to satisfy those unanswered questions. But...even more...never doubt how much I love you. Chris was never alone. And...what's more...neither are you my beloved! Even now, I'm catching those tears as they fall from your eyes. I. Am. Right. Here. Feel my Presence surrounding you - just like I did for Chris the night of May 3.
Track 1 - Can't get Chris to respond to my texts or calls
Track 2 - Something's wrong - need help
Track 3 - At the police station filing a missing person's report
Track 4 - Back home waiting on a pastor friend to arrive
Track 5 - Driving all over the fog-filled Blue Ridge Parkway roads looking for Chris' missing truck
Track 6 - Realized it was no longer Tuesday, May 3
Track 7 - Worrying that Chris is all alone, hurt, scared, cold, wondering why I haven't found him
Track 7 is the one that I now have the answer to, but it's also the one I keep playing, because I often wonder...
How long was he alone before he made the choice to end his life?
Was he crying? Was he stoic? Did he pray?
Was he cold - it was such an usually ugly weather night?
Did he think about me? Did he think about Anna?
Was he scared? Did he ever feel abandoned?
Why oh why couldn't somebody have been there to stop him? Why?????????
And then...He speaks to me again...like He has so often these last 6 1/2 months.
My precious daughter, I was with him the entire time. Just like I've promised over and over, I will never, ever leave you or forsake you, I NEVER left Chris and was there as he took his final breath on earth and entered my presence in Heaven. I can answer every single one of the questions you keep asking yourself, but it truly doesn't matter now - does it? Just rest in the fact that Chris was never alone. Never. I whispered to him many times that evening, just like I'm whispering to you now. And, I tenderly held him. Just know this...he told you this himself in his last email to you...never doubt how much he loved you. Daughter, let that be enough to satisfy those unanswered questions. But...even more...never doubt how much I love you. Chris was never alone. And...what's more...neither are you my beloved! Even now, I'm catching those tears as they fall from your eyes. I. Am. Right. Here. Feel my Presence surrounding you - just like I did for Chris the night of May 3.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
If Trees Could Talk
"I've been told this day was coming for many months now. My Creator announced to me in August that He had a very special plan for me...so special, in fact, that it would require my leaving the only home I've ever known...forever. My home...this beautiful farm displayed with so many of my pine-scented friends. Some have been growing here for over a decade. Others are just new saplings. But me? I'm almost 10 feet tall, so I've seen a lot of friends and family leave our homeplace through the years. I've gotten used to it actually, but it never really hit me that my day might actually come too. Until today. Even after my Creator told me several months ago, I never really thought it would happen until now.
I wondered if it would hurt. You know...when they take that loud buzzing thing and cut me from my base. I've seen it happen so much...the noise...the topple...the dust. But does it hurt?
But, Creator tells me that somebody else...a lady...has been hurting a lot more than what I'll experience today. In fact, He tells me that the small sting I might experience in the process is worth it for the joy that it will bring this lady. I don't know why she hurts, but Creator tells me He needs me to do this for Him, because He loves her so and wants to see that smile on her face when she sees me for the first time.
I knew her voice the first time I heard it. I can't explain how I knew it was her...I just did. She kept looking at lots of trees all around me but seemed so disappointed. I often heard her mutter to her friends that were with her, 'I know I'll know which one it is when I see it.' Was she talking about me? Was she looking for me?
I could feel her footsteps getting closer, and then I saw her, and her face beamed with joy when she took her first look at me. Creator affirmed it was her.
This is the one, my beloved creation. I need you to go live in her home for the next 6 weeks and bring her abundant joy.
I don't know how to do that?
Just by being there.
He whispered a few more things to me...something about her husband now being with Him in Heaven, something about her sadness over the upcoming Christmas season, a little about how she's expecting me to bring her a lot of joy and how many of her friends and family have sent her many items to adorn me with.
I want to feel honored to be in this role. I really do. But, I'm a little sad, because my own death is near. Is this what it's come to for me? All of these years in this beautiful place to be over in about 6 weeks (provided she generously waters me daily)?
But, my wise Creator shared one more thing with me that clearly told me why I had to do this (and why I should be honored at the opportunity...
He reminded me that often it takes death of one thing to bring life to another."
I wondered if it would hurt. You know...when they take that loud buzzing thing and cut me from my base. I've seen it happen so much...the noise...the topple...the dust. But does it hurt?
But, Creator tells me that somebody else...a lady...has been hurting a lot more than what I'll experience today. In fact, He tells me that the small sting I might experience in the process is worth it for the joy that it will bring this lady. I don't know why she hurts, but Creator tells me He needs me to do this for Him, because He loves her so and wants to see that smile on her face when she sees me for the first time.
I knew her voice the first time I heard it. I can't explain how I knew it was her...I just did. She kept looking at lots of trees all around me but seemed so disappointed. I often heard her mutter to her friends that were with her, 'I know I'll know which one it is when I see it.' Was she talking about me? Was she looking for me?
I could feel her footsteps getting closer, and then I saw her, and her face beamed with joy when she took her first look at me. Creator affirmed it was her.
This is the one, my beloved creation. I need you to go live in her home for the next 6 weeks and bring her abundant joy.
I don't know how to do that?
Just by being there.
He whispered a few more things to me...something about her husband now being with Him in Heaven, something about her sadness over the upcoming Christmas season, a little about how she's expecting me to bring her a lot of joy and how many of her friends and family have sent her many items to adorn me with.
I want to feel honored to be in this role. I really do. But, I'm a little sad, because my own death is near. Is this what it's come to for me? All of these years in this beautiful place to be over in about 6 weeks (provided she generously waters me daily)?
But, my wise Creator shared one more thing with me that clearly told me why I had to do this (and why I should be honored at the opportunity...
He reminded me that often it takes death of one thing to bring life to another."
 |
| Me and my 'Chris Tree'! |
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Right Side of the Couch
I sat down on the couch and turned on the remote to browse for television "background noise". I pulled my laptop closer, as I planned to spend time editing some pictures I took for a friend recently. And then I realized it. Something so minor to the "normal" person but yet so profound to this grieving widow. Actually, two significant events just took place, and I almost didn't realize it until God pointed them out to me.
1) I turned on the TV. I. Turned. On. The. TV. This is HUGE! You're probably thinking this lady has really flipped out now! Just stick with me for a minute, and I'll explain.
The night my husband disappeared, the day before he was found dead, we had our usual Tuesday night family activity planned...watching The Biggest Loser! Instead of watching The Biggest Loser, I was driving around our city looking for my husband, knowing that something had to be wrong - he never missed our Tuesday Biggest Loser night! Since my husband's passing, I haven't watched any TV. The TV has been on some but only if my daughter has turned it on or if visiting friends have turned it on - but not by my own hand.
And so...Friday night, I sat down and turned on the TV. Granted, I turned it on to some digital music channel (just for the white noise), but I used the remote and turned it on nonetheless.
2) Not only did I turn on the TV, but I sat on the right side of the couch. Again, you're probably wondering "what in the world"? Whenever Chris and I sat together on the couch, or cuddled on the couch, or better yet - fell asleep on the couch...he was always on the left...me on his right! We were such creatures of habit. However, after his death, I sat on the left side. Always. I think it was my way of drawing closer to him in some strange sort of way. I even slept on the couch for the first couple of weeks after He went to Heaven, and I always laid my head in the exact place where he would sit.
But, Friday night...I went back to the right hand side of the couch - where I always sat before. Again, it was completely without forethought. I just plopped down, picked up the remote, and it was then the Lord whispered to my heart,
"Look at you now my daughter! Look at where you are and what you're doing!"
I sat slightly stunned. And, He continued...
"You may think this is insignificant, but it's very significant. You keep saying you need to see with your eyes the healing I'm doing in your heart. Take a look and see my child. Take a look..."
The right side of the couch...the remote...and a smile on my face! Thank you Father!
1) I turned on the TV. I. Turned. On. The. TV. This is HUGE! You're probably thinking this lady has really flipped out now! Just stick with me for a minute, and I'll explain.
The night my husband disappeared, the day before he was found dead, we had our usual Tuesday night family activity planned...watching The Biggest Loser! Instead of watching The Biggest Loser, I was driving around our city looking for my husband, knowing that something had to be wrong - he never missed our Tuesday Biggest Loser night! Since my husband's passing, I haven't watched any TV. The TV has been on some but only if my daughter has turned it on or if visiting friends have turned it on - but not by my own hand.
And so...Friday night, I sat down and turned on the TV. Granted, I turned it on to some digital music channel (just for the white noise), but I used the remote and turned it on nonetheless.
2) Not only did I turn on the TV, but I sat on the right side of the couch. Again, you're probably wondering "what in the world"? Whenever Chris and I sat together on the couch, or cuddled on the couch, or better yet - fell asleep on the couch...he was always on the left...me on his right! We were such creatures of habit. However, after his death, I sat on the left side. Always. I think it was my way of drawing closer to him in some strange sort of way. I even slept on the couch for the first couple of weeks after He went to Heaven, and I always laid my head in the exact place where he would sit.
But, Friday night...I went back to the right hand side of the couch - where I always sat before. Again, it was completely without forethought. I just plopped down, picked up the remote, and it was then the Lord whispered to my heart,
"Look at you now my daughter! Look at where you are and what you're doing!"
I sat slightly stunned. And, He continued...
"You may think this is insignificant, but it's very significant. You keep saying you need to see with your eyes the healing I'm doing in your heart. Take a look and see my child. Take a look..."
The right side of the couch...the remote...and a smile on my face! Thank you Father!
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