Thursday, January 12, 2012

Cemetery Guilt

In the beginning, I visited daily. Sometimes more than once a day. My trips to the cemetery to sit at my husband's grave are absolutely precious to me. It's where I spend a lot of time praying, weeping, "talking" to Chris, and thinking. He's buried in a beautiful memorial park in a section that sits on a small hill with a mountain landscape dropped in right behind it - or right in front depending on the angle from where you're observing. It's a beautiful God painting!

After I returned to work following Chris' death, I continued to head to the cemetery before I would go home many nights each week. I know Chris isn't actually there, but just knowing his earthly body is just a few feet under from where I stand or sit makes me feel close to him (as crazy as this might sound). On one occasion, I was talking with a co-worker who also lost a close family member a few months before me, and she asked me a question that she thought would make me wonder if she'd lost her marbles. She asked, "Sometimes, do you ever just want to dig him up so you could see him again, hold him again, feel him again?" She went on to share that she had been thinking those strange things herself regarding her loved one. Interestingly enough...I totally got that. As crazy as it may appear, I also wanted to do that very impossible thing.

As the months went on, the colder days set in, school started back for my new high schooler, and life got a little more hectic. My cemetery days shrunk to just weekend days. I felt so guilty for that. It was almost as if I thought Chris would be disappointed if I didn't show up for several days. I KNOW (in my "knower" as my friend Lorie would say) that this is crazy thinking. He's NOT there. However, it didn't stop me from feeling the way I did.

Then came November. The time changed, and the shorter days became even shorter and much colder. This particular cemetery closes at sunset - meaning I often can't get there after work anymore during the week. Then, I discovered my weekends were full - going out of town, running errands, etc. Before I knew it - I hadn't been to Chris' grave in a couple of weeks. Upon realization of that - I wept. I felt I had betrayed him. Seriously. I know this makes no sense, in many ways, but this was huge to me. The guilt was almost more than I could take.

It's practically mid-January now. I've only been to visit his gravesite maybe 5 times in the last 12 weeks. For some, even that's too much. For me? It's just another bend in the Grief Road. Does this mean I care less? On the contrary actually. As I blogged just a week or so ago, I'm more in love with my husband now than ever before. I want to honor him now every way imaginable. But, the cemetery guilt is leaving. I know Chris would not want me out there all the time. I can still "talk to him" from the comforts of home.

And, honestly, I look forward to spring - the warmer, longer days - when I can spend a little more time in that peaceful, special place out of "want to" rather than guilt. Oh, how I miss him so...

13 comments:

  1. I love you Aunt Leah this is beautiful. You shouldn't feel guilty. I know Chris would want you to live your life to the fullest like he lived his. <3 you.
    :)

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    1. I don't know why it didn't show my name but this is Ashley.

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    2. Thank you sweet Ashley! I love you too girlie!

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  2. You might remember from your visit her, my mom's grave is here at the house....well you know, behind the house in the family graveyard. I used to walk out there every afternoon and then, the days got shorter and it was dark when I got home. Sometimes I just stand at the porch now and look that way. At Christmas I put 2 solar lights so I can still "see" it. Digging in the ground...my thoughts many times. Sometimes are hearts don't mesh with what our head knows. You remain in my prayers.

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    1. Awww...my quilter extraordinaire friend...thank you for continuing to pray. Yes - I remember your mother's grave quite well, and the beauty of the place surrounding it. What a gift to have "her" there near you!

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  3. Leah, it wasn't until I no longer felt that closeness to Bob at the 1 1/2 year point that I stopped going out to visit his grave every week. There have been times when I passed by the cemetery and didn't stop and I felt guilty about it. Funny how we think when we are grieving. I know that he wouldn't want me out there all of the time, but in my mind that is the last place that we were together here on this earth and that is where he will rise when Christ returns for us.

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    1. Candy - I'm so thankful that God allowed our paths to cross in recent weeks. You are a blessing! I'm so glad to have someone that's walking Grief Road ahead of me in a healthy way that I can follow.

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  4. Enjoy the spring -- a time of rebirth. Enjoy the place where Chris is buried and the quiet repose it gives you from the business of life where you can find another chance to talk to Chris and God. I completely understand what your co-worker said as well as the guilty feeling -- laughing at something you then feel guilty as you think you should never laugh again. Enjoying a day out with friends -- feeling guilty as you think you should never find enjoyment again without that loved one. Thinking of you two as you continue down your road of grief...

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    1. Thank you sweet friend! It also comforts me to know that you, too, have seen that special place where Chris' "shell" rests. Few have been there, but you are one of the few! That warms my heart!

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  5. Leah, I'm so happy that visiting the cemetery is helpful and comforting for you. My Buck went home over two and a half years ago and I haven't been back to his burial place in his West Virginia family burial plot, since we laid him to rest. Living in Pennsylvania, I think even if he were buried locally, I still wouldn't visit him here. How interesting it is, how God created all of us so differently. Since Buck lives on in my heart and my memories, I am content to talk to him via the Lord's special delivery. And thankfully that can take place wherever I might be. Looking forward to spring along with you.
    Hugs, Renee'

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    1. Renee - Thank you for sharing your different journey in this area. It never ceases to amaze me how unique our circumstances, journeys, and lives can be, but God can still unite in common areas - in this - widowhood. Would love to meet you someday, but if we have to wait until Heaven - I'm thankful to know we'll have eternity to chat. :-)

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  6. People go through the grieving process in many different ways. Praying for you, Leah, as you continue this journey.

    Hugs...

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    1. Yes they do sweet Beth...yes they do. Thank you soooo much for continuing to pray. That means the world to me!

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