Sitting Alone in a Cemetery

Monday night was probably the hardest night I've had since the first week following Chris' death. And, interestingly, it followed one of the better days I've had in recent weeks.

I started a new job Monday with an organization that I greatly admire. It's actually a result of years of prayer and fasting...and the journey began this week. Yes, it's stressful beginning a new job. Yes, it's even more stressful beginning a new job within weeks of burying my husband. However, this is a position and an organization that I KNOW God has called me to and even more...I'm convinced He called me to it at this EXACT time in my life for purposes not completely known to me just yet. But...I trust Him completely and must obey His lead.

So, after having a wonderful first day at my new job...I couldn't wait to get home Monday night and tell Chris all about it. Yes, while driving home...I literally thought that for just a brief moment in time! Just as the thought escaped my brain, I caught myself.

What are you thinking Leah? Chris is gone. Pull yourself together.

Almost as quickly as I the thought came to the forefront of my mind...it fled.

I began to think about what it might have been like had he been at home waiting on me (he usually got home from work first). More than likely, he and Anna would be planning a special celebration dinner. He loved to cook and did the majority of it in our home. He probably would have baked my favorite treat for a sugar celebration as well. While eating dinner as a family, I probably would have monopolized the conversation while unloading the events of the day for his and Anna's listening pleasure. Yes...that's probably what it might have been like. But instead...

There was no special celebratory dinner.

There was no special dessert treat.

There was no family conversation around the dinner table.

Instead...I went to the cemetery. As a Christian, I know my husband isn't truly there, but I still can't help but feel close to him in some special way when I go sit beside his grave. As I got out of the car and walked towards his grave, I looked around and noticed that I was the ONLY one in the cemetery. This is a pretty big cemetery, but at that moment I was completely alone.

I sat down on the grass by my husband's freshly dug grave. At first...I said nothing. Then, I began to tell Chris (and the grass and silk flowers surrounding me) everything about my day that I had wanted to share with him in person. If somebody had walked up behind me at the moment, they might have thought I was crazy. But, I didn't care. I shared it all. I had to.

Then, I began to pray...well, I actually began a time of questioning God. It wasn't pretty blog friends, but it was necessary. Then...it came. The downpour of tears. A flood of tears like nothing I'd cried since the day I found out (three weeks ago today, actually) that my husband was gone. Through my sobs, I managed to say one last thing to God at that moment...

Please Father...please Abba...please let me know you're here. I know your Word says you'll never leave me or forsake. I really do know that to be true, but right now...I need to FEEL you. I have no right to ask for this, but I really need to feel your presence, because I'm feeling very alone right now.

As I continued to sit and wait in the stillness of that moment...a soft wind quickly developed and literally passed through my hair and across my skin, and I knew. He was here. Thank you sweet Abba. I felt no other breezes other than this particular one the rest of the time I was there. But, right after the wind swept across my body, God spoke into my heart something that went like this...

Sweet daughter, come to me with your heavy heart and give it completely to me. Cry as many tears as you need to as often as you need to. Ask me anything you want to ask me. I never grow tired and weary of listening to you my child. I love you, and you're right...I'll never leave you or forsake you.

So, while sitting alone in the cemetery Monday night...God made His presence vividly known to me. And then...we sat...together.

How are you doing?

How are you doing?

A question I hear most often these days. Sadly, I don't know how to answer it...or, at least I don't know how to answer it in ways that won't send my questioner reeling with feelings of dread for even having asked the question to begin with. Generally, I respond with something like...

I'm hanging in there. or

I'm just living day by day (or hour by hour). or

I'm really not sure. I guess okay.

Those are my typical responses. I guess they are my "safe" responses. But, today I started thinking about my real answers to that question. They aren't pretty. They are very raw. So, if you don't want to really know...please go ahead and stop reading and move onto a happier blog post. I won't blame you one bit. However, if you really want to peek into the heart of a grieving widow, this is just a small taste of how I'm really feeling:

*I miss Chris so badly that I hug his pillow so tightly at night as I sleep in hopes of still catching a whiff of his scent.

*I wear his t-shirts to bed and his sweatshirts around the house just to feel as if a little piece of him is still with me.

*I smell his bottle of cologne quite often so that I don't forget how good he always smelled.

*I ache over the fact I had to go purchase his permanent gravemarker this morning and was so emotionally spent following that brief appointment that I couldn't even go to work afterwards.

*I am already dreading our wedding anniversary coming up in less than 3 months.

*I am angry...tearfully angry...that I'm a 39-year-old widow.

*I'm overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and support that I've received from countless friends and strangers, and my heart breaks that my husband is not here to witness the love people have for us.

*I have a long list of things that I can't wait to tell Chris...things that I would normally share at dinner or as we're cuddling in the evenings. I feel as if I'm about to burst, because he's not here to hear all my stories.

*I'm hurt...I'm heartbroken...I'm beyond sad...and yet I'm having to learn how to function with such deep-seeded emotions.

*I'm exhausted from crying so hard, thinking so deeply, and questioning so often.

*I wonder when I'll feel "normal" again.

*And...I crave heaven and yearn for Jesus' return more than ever before.

There you have it...a snippet of how I would really answer the question, "How are you doing?" if I were being completely honest. As I said, it's not pretty. It's just real.

I Didn't Sign Up For This!

I knew many years ago that God was calling me to speak...to share the glory stories of his redemptive work in my life with every audience He gave me. I knew the difficult childhood I survived, the painful divorce I walked through with God's glorious grace, and everything in between could be shared for the purpose of bringing hope to others that have yet to attain that Hope that I have found...and ultimately be shared to bring Glory to God. I got to a place of healing, and I started crying out, "Use me Lord. I'll do anything you ask me do."

God began to open doors for me to speak - even in Liberia, Africa last summer! And, I hesitantly went but wondered how He could use "little 'ole me" to serve in such a God-craving nation as Liberia. How could I relate to these women? But...He already had that planned out too. My heart for serving women with "my story" grew deeper and deeper. And...so I prayed..."Use me Lord. I'll do anything you ask me do."

My most recent speaking event took me to Western Kentucky. I instantly felt a connection to this group of women and the community, in general. As I hugged their necks at the end of the event, women shared the little nuggets that would remain with them from my message. They shared how hearing the ways God redeemed my life gave them redemptive hope following deep pain. They loved on me with genuine agape love. And...again...I cried out to God, "Use me Lord. I'll do anything you ask me do."

Then came May 4.

My husband left me for his eternal home.

My heart broke in two.

And, I heard God whisper to my heart, "I will use you Leah. Are you still willing to do anything I ask you to do?"

Not this Lord. PLEASE...not this! I didn't sign up for this!

But...again I prayed, while weeping..."Yes Lord. Please heal my broken heart and use me. I'll do anything you ask me to do."

Our Dreams Died Too

When I shared with my friend that I thought I needed to start blogging again, especially in light of my husband's tragic death, she agreed on one condition..."no pretty bows". She was quick to remind me that my tendency in blogging is no matter how humorous, how serious, or how painful my posts are...I tend to wrap them up and place a pretty bow on top. She was right. I may not always succeed, but that is my intent, because I want to offer hope...hope to my readers that regardless of life's sufferings...there is always Hope.

While I still believe that with everything in me, right now my posts will tend to be more reflective of my pain. My very raw pain. I'm still learning to cope. I'm still asking questions. I'm still begging God to let this simply be a bad dream. So, if you choose to continue to read along and share this journey with me...just know that I'm temporarily out of pretty bows. The wrapping might be ugly, but it's very, very real.

Last night and this morning I've been stuck. Stuck in realizing that not only did my husband die last week but all of our hopes and dreams that we talked about died too. I'm not only grieving the loss of my best friend and true love, but I'm grieving the loss of our dreams of...

1. ...restored fertility allowing more children.
2. ...adopting from Ethiopia.
3. ...me learning to scuba dive so that we could share in Chris' passion for the sport together.
4. ...owning a place at the beach, since we loved being at the ocean more than anywhere else.
5. ...going on a mission trip TOGETHER.
6. ...being debt free enabling us to live on very little and give most of it away. Chris' passion for giving was unbelievable.
7. ...growing old together.
8. ...spoiling our grandbabies.
9. ...going on a cruise for my 40th birthday next year.

My heart hurts more than I can express. My grief is greater than I can even fathom. And...right now I can't think beyond today, because today is difficult enough. But, as my dear friends reminded me when they were visiting last night..."God has only promised you the grace for today." Very true. So, for today...that's where I settle...in my portion of grace allotted for me today.

One Week Ago Today

One week ago today...my world changed. Completely.

One week ago today...my heart broke completely in two.

One week ago today...I wept gutteral cries like I never knew existed within me.

One week ago today...the "worries" of my past and my future became laughable in comparison to my present pain.

One week ago today...I experienced the love of the body of Christ in its fullness.

One week ago today...I began a new season of suffering but a season more painful than any that has come prior.

One week ago today...I was abandoned...again.

One week ago today...I was betrayed...again.

One week ago today...the one who loved me most on this earth left me to be with the One Who loves me completely for all eternity.

One week ago today...my husband died and took a piece of me with him.

Hope for the Single Parent

The statistics are heart-wrenching. I know them...I know them too well. As a product of many of those dreadful numbers, due to my own parents' divorce, I am anything but naive about the devastating effects divorce can have on children. So, walking into single parenthood eight years ago sickened me.

Would my daughter simply end up as another one of those statistics? Even well-meaning people made sure I knew what I was heading into. My heart was already broken over the shocking divorce, and now I was being told that my daughter could very well end up a pregnant, high school drop out, drug user, alcohol abuser, co-dependent maladjusted young girl. How's that for encouragement?

But God...

God became my encourager. Each time someone implanted one of those statistics into my mind, yet again, I would just kindly respond, "Yes, sadly I'm aware of what the numbers reveal, but I'm choosing to believe my God is bigger than any statistic." I repeated this over and over and over. I continued to acknowledge the "facts". I wasn't oblivious to them, but I just chose to allow them not to dictate my life as a single parent.

Prayer for my daughter became almost like breathing for me. A day wouldn't pass without my lips offering up prayers of thanksgiving, prayers seeeking wisdom and protection, and BOLD prayers asking that God would let her rise above the statistics, rise above what the numbers "say" about her.

I got a glimpse of God's answer to those prayers this past weekend.

While I know that she is still a teenager...meaning hormonally imbalanced and quick to change her mind...I know that the time spent on my knees during those difficult years of single parenting was not in vain.

This past weekend, my daughter shared with me her sense of God's calling into some sort of ministry field...be it missions, orphan ministry, only God knows those future plans. And...only God can work that out in His perfect timing. She also told me that she has a heart for evangelism and for the "least of these". Whoa! This mama's heart is simply full right now.

Again, I'm not naive. I know that she has a few teen years left to go, but I continue to proclaim...my God is bigger than all the statistics!

I say all this to say...especially to my single parent bloggy friends...

...if you find yourself believing the forecasted numbers regarding your children

...if you find yourself doubting that anything good can ever come out of your single parent status

...if you find yourself believing the worst for your children but hoping for the best

...if you find yourself giving up...

I'm here to give you hope. Don't stop praying for your children, and regardless of what the statistics reveal, just know our God is bigger than all of them!

Scripture Memory Verse 7 - People Pleaser?

Happy Friday bloggy friends! I pray you are all gearing up for a fantastic weekend! As noted in a post earlier this week, we'll have a house-full of 7th and 8th grade girls for our church's DNOW (Disciple Now) weekend! So, pray for my husband. He'll be sooooo outnumbered! :-)

It's time to post the next scripture memory verse I'm working on in conjunction with Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture Memory Team. Can you believe it's April 1 already! Uh-oh...we only have 14 more days to finish our taxes. I digress...

Anyway, as I blogged about balance yesterday, I've prayed that God would give me nuggets in His Word that would quicken me whenever I start adding more "things" in my life that don't line up with His plans for me. I don't want to have to keep learning the hard way. I pray He stops me in my tracks immediately. In scouring the scriptures, He led me to some words from the apostle Paul that I'm also choosing as my 7th verse of the year to memorize. I think it speaks volumes to this balancing problem of mine, because most of the problem stems from trying to be a people pleaser.

Galatians 1:10 NLT
Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.

That said, this will be a challenge for me to take to heart. Whenever the temptation comes to do more out of my own strength rather than out of obedience to God...I pray God will use the truth's in this verse to whisper to my spirit...

Leah, are you trying to win the approval of people again?
Leah, are you doing this to please Me?
Leah, are you acting as Christ's servant in this manner?

May I be so quickened that I can't take one small step out of God's perfect will for me!