I'm now 10 weeks in...10 weeks of discovering this new thing (to me)...grief. I can attest quite frankly...IT STINKS! So far, there has been nothing beautiful, nothing magical, nothing glorifying about this process...it simply stinks.
Now, while being a "Negative Nancy", I'm also totally convinced that something beautiful and God-glorifying will come out of this. Because, I KNOW "that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) Well, boy do I love Him, and I'm blessed to be called according to His purpose (even though I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that might be).
However, in the meantime...grieving stinks.
Today, I turned another page. I began professional counseling. I know...I know...some of you might be thinking...just now? Yep - the thought crossed my mind too. However, I honestly thought I could "handle" things with my own little therapy concoction, and it simply wasn't enough. I needed more help.
I knew that my therapy session would be nothing short of difficult, but that was an understatement. It was raw. It was real. It was what I needed. But...it stunk! Thankfully, God led me to somebody very experienced in grief counseling, and he knew just how to get to those places that others quite can't reach, including me. And...it hurt.
Friends, I also think I'm just beginning to go down some of the dark roads of grief. Unfortunately, there is no simple formula in this process. Everybody experiences it differently, and I've heard the ocean analogy several times now, which makes the most sense to me. Sometimes, I'm out there just relaxing in the waves...softly floating up and down, and then out of nowhere...a wave comes crashing in over my head. I'll come back, catch my breath...start the gentle float again...then comes another one. So true. So true. My experience with grief exactly so far!
And now, here I am about a week away from my beloved She Speaks conference in Concord, NC. This precious time spent with my sister speakers, writers, and ministry leaders. A time for refreshment, renewal, education, fun, fellowship, and worship. I'm supposed to be speaking again this year in another evaluation group. I have nothing on paper. I have just limited thoughts on what I'm to speak on. I have fears of falling apart. And, all I want to do is experience the love of Christ all over me that weekend, like I did last year. But, I'm afraid this grief "thing" might get in the way of a beautiful weekend. And that would most definitely...stink!
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Praying as you prepare.
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you for taking this step in your grieving.
The waves analogy is so true. Even if you get up to speak with nothing on your paper, the LORD will be WITH YOU!!!! And He will direct you to share EXACTLY what He has for you to share. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} ~Shelly
ReplyDeleteI am praying that GOD will just sit you down and rise up in you. NO MATTER what you put in paper, it will depend on the Holy Spirit so don't be hard on yourself. Many of us have followed your story and think the real part of the testimony is that you are vertical and showing up. There will be so many prayers going up and tears, and I guarentee you,they will not all be yours! Praying it all goes well and that you will have peace!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're getting professional help. As difficult as it is, it will definitely help you in the long run. I used to feel absolutely drained after counseling sessions, so I'll be praying for strength for you.
ReplyDeleteMay God be with you in this process. And may you rest in Him as far as your speaking commitment. The Holy Spirit will give you the words you should speak.
Leah, thanking you for sharing with all of us. It's huge to put it out there but you are right-God will use this and you for good for His purpose. I so can't wait to meet you next week and give you a huge hug. Please know you have a bunch of She Speaks Sister lifting you (and your family) to the Throne. May our Great Comforter surround you with love and peace.
ReplyDeleteOne of the greatest things I have learned is that I do not have a testimony because I am the testimony! I am a walking, talking, living, breathing testimony to my Father's grace, lovingkindness, and forgiveness. And that may be all God is calling you to be. You never know that what you are walking through is exactly what someone else needs to hear to pull them back, lift them up, or encourage them to keep walking.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, grief stinks, but you dear Leah have been called to walk this road, and God will equip you with everything you need to get through it. I am so glad that you have choosen to turn to professional counseling, they are tools, and there for you to use.
Praying for you, believing that when you stand to speak, you will be amazed at what God gives you to speak.
Sallye
I'm glad you are still getting help. There is no quick fix. I'm glad you have the courage to face the pain. Kudos to you for still going to SheSpeaks! Even if you don't speak, just come and let some sisters love on you a little.
ReplyDeleteLeah, I am sorry for your loss. The grieving process is anything but predictable. As a therapist, I am glad to hear that you have found someone who can help you process through the raw emotions & turbulent waters in your heart. I pray that you experience the gentle leading and restoration of the Father as you pursue counseling. I look forward to meeting you next week.
ReplyDeleteGrace & Peace ~ Karen
Praying for you my sweet sister... I am three years into this "grief thing" since the death of my sweet girl. She was 15. The analogy of waves is so true. I still experience the waves but the experience with Him so sweet. Praying for you as you walk this road with Him!
ReplyDeleteSweetest blessings, georgia
Praying for you too, Leah. Grief does stink. Keep clinging to Him and to His promises. So thankful you found someone you can meet and talk with.
ReplyDeleteLeah, falling apart or those tears may be just want God wants to happen at She Speaks...you may be helping other women do the same. Do worry, God will see you through.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wish I could go see a therapist. My man isn't quite so eager for that, as he says I can do therapy or I can have money to travel or shop. ha. Silly guy. I said "both"...didn't fly. :)
Anyhoo...it is good to get raw and honest. I think you have been that for us, as you give us snippets of your grieving. You truly have been called out among women for such a time as this. Yes, it does suck, but the glory part comes later.
I love ya. xoxo
Praying for you still, Leah. For preparation, for comfort, for peace, for healing through this process.
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