July 4. Independence Day. A day of celebration for most. A day of dark memories for me.
Two months, to the day, my husband's broken body was discovered deep in the woods, and I learned he had left me for his true Home. A day forever etched in my mind, and if I think too intently about it, grief implodes my heart to learn of another marriage ended.
I say "another marriage" as it was eight years ago - to the day - that my first marriage dissolved as well. God certainly redeemed the years eaten by locusts, but it tears at my heart to know that I had to walk the road of divorce. Many times, I thought it would be easier to be an inmate in a real prison, because the stigma of divorce, regardless of the reasons - of which most reading this will never know - the stigma...created a life of prison for me. Until...I chose joy. I chose to be joyful for that time, because God deeply revealed Himself to me then. He not only showed me who He is, but he unveiled who I am IN HIM!
So, as I chose joy eight years ago in the darkest of times, the deepest of failures and regrets and "why me's?"... I couldn't have imagined that now...I find myself two months beyond a time even darker. A time drenched with the greatest of sorrow over the loss of an earthly love greater than I've ever known. Again, I enter the "why me?" stage...again, I question my failures. Again, I choose joy. And, my friends...it IS a CHOICE! Joy doesn't blanket me without my first choosing it to be my covering. Taking a fly over view of my circumstances produces no joy, but looking microscopically, I can't help but choose joy.
I was deeply loved by this sweet man that, for vague reasons, took his own life.
I was given nearly three years of marital bliss with him. And, I do mean bliss!
I felt worthy of being loved again, as he reminded me daily how special I was to him.
But, you know why else I choose joy?
Because I AM deeply loved by a Precious King that chose to die for Me - insignificant me!
I have been given a future of being the redeemed bride of The Bridegroom, Who is even now preparing a marriage feast for me in Heaven! That is an eternal bliss that will never end!
I have been reminded by my one true Love that I am always worthy of His love - the only love that will ever be complete!
For that...
...on this day that the enemy seeks to steal from me
...on this day that the enemy wants to find me miserable and drowning in a pit of sorrow
...on this day that the Lord has made
...I CHOOSE JOY!
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I liked how you said this, Leah "Taking a fly over view of my circumstances produces no joy, but looking microscopically, I can't help but choose joy." When we examine things through His lens we can identify all the joys in the midst of sorrow. I love your heart, Leah and the strength you are finding by clinging to HIM! Thank you for continuing to share with us.
ReplyDelete"Joy doesn't blanket me without my first choosing it to be my covering." Powerful words my sister.
ReplyDeleteLord, thank you for giving Leah the strength to choose joy! May her joy be so evident today that someone asks, "How can I have it?"
This is very encouraging. Thanks for sharing, and God bless you.
ReplyDeleteLeah, please don't see the loss of your marriages as a failure on your part. You cannot blame yourself for your husband's death. We all live with regrets, but ultimately it was his choice. You are loved with an everlasting love by One who will never leave you. I'm glad you are choosing to see His love in the midst of your pain. Praying for you, especially today.
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