Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Dear Chris...

Dear Chris,

As I reflect back on the last 19 weeks without you, I sigh. Deep sighs. And...the tears. Oh...I'm finding that on days like today, they don't cease.

I miss you so much. Those five words can't even convey the depth of how much I miss you. They seem like such trivial words. It's like when you talk with a friend you haven't seen in awhile or when you call a family member that lives across the country. Or...even with you, babe. I've said those words whenever we've been apart for short lengths of time. I recall missing you terribly when I was in Africa last summer. But now...those five words carry such meaning. Too much meaning for even me to grasp. I long to be with you again. And, I know we will be one day. I can't wait for that day. Until then...I continue missing you and journeying life a bit lost.

I have so much to share with you. God has been doing some amazing things for Anna and me since you left. I know He has us in the palm of His hand. I often wonder if He allows you to glimpse from heaven little tidbits of the work He's doing. Oh...I pray so. I pray that you can see that I'm really, really trying to be strong without you. I know you'd want me to live life to the fullest, because that's what we always did together. I have a deeper passion for that now.

As a matter of fact, Anna and I took our Disney know...the one the three of us were planning for 2012? We had a blast but sure missed you there! Everytime I saw Goofy, I thought of you and how you loved that crazy character.

This Sunday is the Panthers/Packers game that we were planning to go to together. I loved how you catered to the fact that I'm an NFL maniac and even helped me to create my first Carolina Panthers Christmas tree two years ago...even though the Packers are your team. You put me first in everything...even football! Well, I'm still going to the game Sunday. Without you. Your Packers loving friend from church will be going along with me instead. I know that has to make you smile. And...I'll tell you a little secret. This is the ONLY team that I won't be sad to lose to this season...only because of you. (I still hope the Panthers win, though.)

And...speaking of special Christmas trees...we're doing one for you this year. It's a tree in memory of you.'ll be a REAL one! I know you well - no artificial trees! But, when I say WE...I mean WE. Babe, you have no idea how many people are helping me put this thing together. I couldn't do it on my own, but I want to honor you in this way, because I know how much Christmas meant to you. And to get to be at Jesus' birthday party in heaven this year on that day! What a party that must be! But, I pray God lets you peek at the "Chris Tree" when it's all finished. As ornaments are starting to excitement is building. You would be so pleased!

I know how much you loved me. One of your last emails to me stressed that fact and reminded me to never doubt your love. Oh...if I only knew then what you were planning. If it had been possible, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep you by my side.

The loneliness is unbearable sometimes. I have a great support system and wonderful friends and a loving Father in heaven that wants to carry all of this for me. But, I don't have you. If you only knew how much I hurt.

Sometimes I feel like people get tired of reading my depressing posts and comments. they just stop. I try not to be depressing. I just want to be real. I think too often in life we try to live up to other people's expectations (me included). But, this is real. This is who I am - at least for now. I'm not a pretty picture, but I'm real. I pray that my pain, my grief, this journey is not in vain and that somehow, someway it helps somebody else.

I just needed to share from the innermost places of my heart with you tonight sweetheart. offers a smidgen of healing.

I will never forget you. I will never forget the glorious, wonderful, exciting years we shared together. I will never forget the love you poured into me. I have never, ever been loved that deeply before. I didn't deserve that kind of love, but God blessed me with it anyway. He blessed me with you!

I love you!



  1. You've been on my heart all say, Leah.

    Wish I could just come sit and hang out.

  2. Beautiful words Leah. Thank you for openly sharing your innermost heart and feelings.

  3. (((((Leah))))) Oh how I feel your pain!

  4. Wow. Heavy thoughts, Heavy heart. Thanks for sharing. I'll watch for your NFL tweets from the game. I'm sure Chris will see it in real time. :) Blessings sweet friend. Mailing your ornament when I go to mail the hats for my niece. Love ya.

  5. Oh Girl, being 'real' for those of us who have lost our man this year is a tough road yet I'm thankful to read your posts. In an odd way they help ease my pain just knowing I'm not alone as I walk this journey without my Mark. I love ya and pray for you daily!!!

  6. Leah, I know we did not meet at She Speaks... but I truly feel your loss! My heart is heavy for you. I am almost 4 years down the road without our sweet girl and I still miss her so. Keep writing, journaling and whatever it takes to help guide you on this journey. Don't afraid to be real... Keep being real! Again whatever it takes... and yes you are right, you never know who it may help! Blessings my friend!

  7. Leah, though i do know how you feel, you give us a sense of how you do through your writing. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, and i know Chris is proud of you, because we are. Chris Reese

  8. Leah,
    My step mother chose to take her life on May 5th of this year...reading this makes me wonder what my father would write to Stacy. She is sorely missed. Praying for God's continual peace to rest on you, bringing you comfort until the day you and Chris can be together once more.

    Heather Bleier