I've been a little "blog quiet" for about a week. Sometimes, when God is working on me most...I have the least to offer. I tend to recede into those spirit-filled oases of His love only to come out hungering and thirsting for more of Him. That's a glimpse of what's been taking place this week.
I found myself, first, in a desert. A very dry desert. Actually, it felt more like quicksand. I could feel I was slipping again...into a "grief abyss". What's toughest about these moments is that I can't come home and share with my husband...my best friend, since he's the source of my grief. I know I can always talk to God, and I do. But, sometimes...I need the tangible love of God's children, and I need their prayers immensely. So, I resort to the only thing I know in my darkest hours of need...email. Yes. Technology's finest...email shout-outs for help. Simply...I sent an email last week to some some special prayer warriors simply saying, "I'm sinking. I need prayers. Thank you." And they prayed. And, I began another ascent out of the pit.
I spent much of the weekend with friends. Sharing. Lots of sharing. And...I ascended more out of the pit.
I spent the last part of the weekend really asking the question of God...what's next? Specifically, what's next in ministry? I've got to know that He has a plan for me to glorify Him through this tragedy. I've got to know that Chris' suicide was not in vain. I've got to know that God still entrusts me to speak...a call I received years ago but only acted upon in recent years. I've just got to know...
I've been praying for ministry opportunities but in God's timing. I'm willing to do whatever He asks me to do whenever He asks me to do it, but I've got to know it's of Him. And so...the question I felt He spoke back to my heart in response to my "what's next?" question of Him...
What are you passionate about?
This one puzzled me. Well, you Lord, of course.
That's not what I'm asking. What drives you to serve Me on earth?
Ahhh. Ok. Now, I'm starting to see. In short, Your sacrificial love for me.
Who else needs to hear this message?
Yes, my daughter, you are correct. Who else needs to hear this message?
(I could almost hear Him chuckle at my oxymoron expression.) Tell me more.
Lord, I'm passionate to serve Christians that feel inadequate to serve you and feel ineffective in life, in general, because of their dysfunctional pasts. I'm passionate to show "Lost Christians" - Christians lost in a sea of regret - how you can use them most, because they have the ability to know you best if they would just open up and allow themselves to be delivered of their brokenness and to be healed from past hurts and shattered hearts. I'm passionate to serve these people, because I've been there. And...I know the type of deliverance You bring. And...I'm especially passionate about serving Lost Christians, because as they are reengaged in life...there are more of us equipped to serve in the "harvest field" to seek the lost people that you so long to have in your eternal family. Hurting people hurt people. Delivered people lead people to the Great Deliverer.
Yes, my daughter. I think you know your passion. So, I ask you again...what drives you to serve me on this earth?
Lost people and hurting, broken, "lost" Christians.
You are ready again. Go, and serve. I will open the doors you are to walk through.
And, out of the pit I climb. Dusted off and ready for action.