What does it mean to survive the first 31 weeks of widowhood? Today marks that day for me, and I can assure you that my answer today is different than it would have been at 30 weeks (and probably different than it will be at 32 weeks). Before I go further...I need to offer up a little disclaimer...
Today's post does not, in any conceivable way, diminish the healing work that God is doing in me. Please hear me on that! I love Him more today than ever before, and I owe Him everything! Everything! He is with me on this journey. He is truly Immanuel to me (God With Us, as that name literally means). He is cradling me in the palm of His hand. He is catching every tear I cry. He loves me with an unconditional love. He will not leave me stranded on Grief Road - not even for a second.
With that said, today stinks! I hurt. I ache. Another tidal wave ensues. Tears are pouring. The grief is so thick today, mainly this evening.
I am so, so sad! I know I will see Chris again in Glory, but I want to see him now!!!!! I don't want to travel the next two and half weeks until Christmas without him. And, I am already dreading waking up Christmas morning this year as a widow...without my precious man by my side.
Sometimes, I don't know how to do this. So, I don't. I let God do it for me along with all of my prayer warriors. I am sapped of strenth. This feels like the early days all over again. I don't want to make decisions. I can't make decisions. I have no energy. I don't want to do anything. I don't even feel like writing this post. But, I'm doing it anyway, because I'm waiting on my daughter to get ready for bed. Otherwise, I'd already be there.
I am so thankful to have Christmas to celebrate, but I'm so tired of the pain that goes with it this year. I feel like screaming from the rooftops, "I'm hurting here!!!!!!!!!!!" But, that's a selfish response. I don't want to be selfish. This life isn't about me.
So many mixed up thoughts. I'm exhausted from thinking. I'm all "thunked" out!
The tidal wave is winning tonight. Thankfully, I know the One that ultimately wins in the end!