Wednesday, December 7, 2011

31 Weeks

What does it mean to survive the first 31 weeks of widowhood? Today marks that day for me, and I can assure you that my answer today is different than it would have been at 30 weeks (and probably different than it will be at 32 weeks). Before I go further...I need to offer up a little disclaimer...

Today's post does not, in any conceivable way, diminish the healing work that God is doing in me. Please hear me on that! I love Him more today than ever before, and I owe Him everything! Everything! He is with me on this journey. He is truly Immanuel to me (God With Us, as that name literally means). He is cradling me in the palm of His hand. He is catching every tear I cry. He loves me with an unconditional love. He will not leave me stranded on Grief Road - not even for a second.

With that said, today stinks! I hurt. I ache. Another tidal wave ensues. Tears are pouring. The grief is so thick today, mainly this evening.

I am so, so sad! I know I will see Chris again in Glory, but I want to see him now!!!!! I don't want to travel the next two and half weeks until Christmas without him. And, I am already dreading waking up Christmas morning this year as a widow...without my precious man by my side.

Sometimes, I don't know how to do this. So, I don't. I let God do it for me along with all of my prayer warriors. I am sapped of strenth. This feels like the early days all over again. I don't want to make decisions. I can't make decisions. I have no energy. I don't want to do anything. I don't even feel like writing this post. But, I'm doing it anyway, because I'm waiting on my daughter to get ready for bed. Otherwise, I'd already be there.

I am so thankful to have Christmas to celebrate, but I'm so tired of the pain that goes with it this year. I feel like screaming from the rooftops, "I'm hurting here!!!!!!!!!!!" But, that's a selfish response. I don't want to be selfish. This life isn't about me.

So many mixed up thoughts. I'm exhausted from thinking. I'm all "thunked" out!

The tidal wave is winning tonight. Thankfully, I know the One that ultimately wins in the end!


  1. I'm there, I feel it with you, I feel it in me, I feel it every moment. I beg for God to take the pain, to allow us to somehow get around it without going through it. But alas, we must, walk through it, pain, grief, loneliness, sadness, it all is a part of this journey we are both on in the 'Christmas' season. I wish I could hold your hand, hug you and give you all that I myself seem desperate for! I can't - I CAN pray for you and lift you up to our Father and ask for the same grace and peace and love that I so desperately seek! Love you my friend, Cindy

  2. Isn't strength from God amazing! He gave you the strength to write about your hope in Him in the midst of being tossed and dragged under in the tidal wave, strength to comprehend that His grace and His love are bigger than those waves. He made those waves and He knew about them when He made you strong and brave and full of hope. Thanks for sharing the beauty in your ashes. I pray that you will have tremendous grace for yourself this season. This is our 2nd Christmas without our young son and I am still learning that grief takes time and it is necessary and it is beautiful in its own way. Hugs and prayers whispered for you dear one.

  3. Today marks 4 weeks for me and every Friday is really hard to get through, but God has brought me this far, I didn't think that I would survive the first night but I did. I know Christmas will be hard for all of us, I plan on praying my way through it. Thanks for sharing your feelings because it is what I am feeling too!

  4. Carrie - Thank you for being such a faithful commenter and encourager! You are a treasured friend.

    Cindy - I know you know my pain well, and I can't imagine how very difficult this season is for you (especially Christmas Eve). I wish this season could be different for both of us!

    Teresa - What beautiful and encouraging words you write! Thank you! I am so sorry that you had to lose a young child. I can't imagine that type of pain, but I see God in you so easily! I know He strengthens you with each step!

    Sue - Sweet sister! 4 weeks...That seemed like just yesterday for me (and yet so long ago at times). Grief is hard and exhausting. Sometimes (most of the time), I have to step back and let God carry me. I pray you allow Him to do the same for you. Thanks for your bravery in commenting. It allows me to pray for you by name!

  5. Confusion. That is what it seems like. I find comfort in the words that when the earth was without form and void Holy Spirit brooded and hovered over the earth. He is brooding over you where there is void, choatic thoughts and no order and let there be order. The Word is speaking order out of the chaos. He is rebuilding from the inside out. He is building you up in your most holy faith.

  6. I am so sorry your lost your husband and am praying for you as I write. I follow you on twitter and just saw your status so came over here. I know holidays are awful and this will be so hard, but you will get through this and it will be better next year. So I pray strength over your heart in the next few weeks.