Thursday, December 22, 2011

I'm Trying So Hard

I’m trying so hard. I’ve never fought the tears back as much as I have this week. I don’t want to cry. I really, really don’t. I’ve cried enough tears to start a new lake in the last 7 ½ months. Why can’t this week just be different?

This week we celebrate the greatest gift that has ever been given (or ever will be) to mankind…the birth of the Messiah! My Jesus! That alone should give cause for jubilant celebration, a bigger-than-life smile, and euphoric joy of the eternity that’s yet to come for all believers!

But, for me…grief is trying to win out. And, I’m trying just as hard not to let it! Grief doesn’t win in the end. God does! Because, in Heaven, there will be no more tears, mourning, or sadness. But, this isn’t Heaven. I’m not Home yet.

Instead, my Chris is already Home, and I’m here…missing him terribly. Listening to the thunderstorm outside isn’t helping things either. I just want to lay my head in his lap and sob until the tears won’t come anymore. I just want to feel his large hand rubbing my back and moving my hair out of my eyes like he used to do so tenderly. I just want him to tell me it will all be okay. But, I know I can only dream of such things.

I feel guilty for even feeling like I do at times. People have gone out of their way to make this first Christmas without him so very, very special for Anna and me. And, it is. I know it would be so much harder without all the love that’s being poured out upon us so abundantly. For that, I am thankful beyond words.

I think that’s part of the reason I’m trying so hard, but I think I might be losing the battle this evening. The tears continue to leak out whether I want them to or not. 


  1. Take just one step, one second, one tiny little step at a time..and He will see you through...and don't worry about keeping the tears back...Jesus wept too.

  2. Honestly, I have no words to encourage you other than I'm praying...

  3. Hi, Leah, I am praying for you sweet sister. I'm sure you are really feeling grief pressing in on you as the day you say was so important to Chris is approaching. I am so sorry that you are suffering and wish I could carry some of your pain. Please know that you are loved and being lifted up to our Father, who sees each tear and is there with you. You are already victorious in this battle, please don't feel pressure to put on a happy face for everyone. Sometimes there is nothing as cleansing as a good cry. My heart is aching with you and I will keep praying.Much love to you and Anna.

  4. Leah,
    Thinking of and praying for you as you face this Christmas season without your man at your side. The "firsts" are extra painful. I found that if I anticipated that these significant days were going to be extra hard, it was a little easier somehow. Please know that tears are crucial to your healing process, and are your friend, not your enemy. Embrace them as a gift from God. Can you imagine how painful it would be without them? I'm thankful we don't have to keep our grief bottled up. How unbearable that would be!

    God's grace will get you through this, Leah! Keep clinging to Him and He will comfort you. You are a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
    Consider yourself hugged, dear one.

  5. Just cry when you need to. It always makes me feel better. I heard a preacher say once that tears are one of the best gifts God has given us, so ever since then I don't hold them back (unless I'm in public--LOL).

    I went to She Speaks with you this past summer, and I was taken with your story because my husband took his life also in May of 2009. I remember that first Christmas well. I cried all day, but not just because of grief. I cried just thinking of all the ways the Lord has shown Himself to us as Almighty. I think it's okay to cry about several different things at one time.

    I'm praying for you today and tomorrow! Blessings! He is bigger than our tragedy, greater than our need, deeper than our grief, and stronger than our enemy. And--we know the end of the story.

  6. Dear Leah, I am praying for you. You just go about this journey however you need to. One second at a time for as long as it takes. I know without a doubt you are trying so hard. Your Father in Heaven is so very proud of you and how you keep pointing to HIM through your journey. I hope that your Christmas is filled with the peace that only Emmanuel can give. Merry Christmas!

    Love, Jill

  7. Leah, I "met" you a few nights ago while reading your post on A Widow's Might. My wonderful husband, Kevin, took his own life just this past Sept. so I am also experiencing my first Christmas without him. I can understand and relate to all of the feelings you are having. I especially connected to your post about the unexpected surprise on your doorstep. I also received a surprise like that. I am a first grade teacher and the grandmother of one of my students brought a black trash bag full of gifts for me and my 2 daughters. The "big gift" contained 5 different envelopes for "a fun day with my girls". Each envelope contained a gift card... Cracker Barrel for breakfast, Visa g.c. for shopping, Chili's for lunch, Movie Tavern for movie, and Starbucks for coffee/hot chocolate. I was completely blown away!! I have only met this lady once and this is not the first blessing from her since Kevin died. She also made all three of us snuggly blankets in our school colors. God has showered us with His love through so many people. Like you, I feel underserving, but so very thankful.

    Your words have already meant so much to me... a kindred heart. Please know that I have added you to my prayer list and will continue to pray for you and your daughter (my daughters are 11 and 14 and were very much "daddy girls"). You have so eloquently expressed feelings that I'm having, but just didn't know how to put them into words. Thank you for your willingness to open your heart and share those deepest, most painful emotions. I'm really struggling with that... it's just too painful to "go there" most of the time, but I know I have to in order to progress on this journey.

  8. Ladies - thank you so very much for your encouraging words! I read each and every single one, and they spurred me on greatly!

    Kristi - Thank you for your bravery to share your story in your first 3 months as a new widow of suicide. I responded to your other comment on my post on A Widow's Might. I'm glad God allowed our paths to cross!

    Be blessed sweet women! You are a blessing to me!