Thursday, January 5, 2012

Deeper In Love

You know the expression, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” For me, I’m finding that to be very true.

I had a hard day yesterday. (OK – I need to get real. I’ve had a hard several weeks.) Anyway, as I was thinking about Chris (like I do ALL the time), I suddenly realized that I’m more in love with him now than ever before. How can that be?

Some would argue that I should be angry with him. Oh – trust me – I have been, but I’ve given that to the Lord, and I have forgiven him. Some would think the longer I go without seeing him, hearing his voice, feeling his touch that my heart would gravitate towards other things/people to fill the “void”. Sure. I guess that’s natural too. The most common things I hear sound something like this, “You’re young. You’re pretty. You have so much to offer someone. You have a lot of life left in you. You’ll find true love again.” Those are well-meaning words from truly wonderful people, but for now…I simply have no comment.

All I know…right now…I’m more in love with my husband – my deceased husband – than I ever have been in my entire life. I love him more now than the day we married, and I never dreamed that would be possible. I truly don’t understand how this can be, but it is what it is. I think that’s why it hurts so badly.

I passionately love someone that can’t love me back. You can’t imagine (well, I know some of you can) how much that hurts. I truly ache inside from a heart that remains shattered.

Yes, I’m learning how to take steps forward. I’m forcing myself to function in life again. I’m actually serving in ministry again, and I LOVE that! But, I’m still a broken-hearted woman, deeply mourning the love of her life!


  1. You and I are so connected, this is exactly how I feel about my husband! We were married for 32 years, since I was 19 and he was my soulmate, my one true love. The past 2 months have been torture and I don't think I could ever love anyone else. My heart is broken, how could I love anyone else with a broken heart? Besides like you said I have someone that I love more and more everyday, he is just no longer here to love me back. When people tell me that I will find someone else, I simply tell them that my heart is broken and I can't see that from here.

  2. Understand your thoughts today completely. It is true for me. So glad to know that I am not alone in my feelings. Hard days for me too. Praying still.

  3. Girl, sometime the grief hurts so bad, you physically ache. I'm so glad you had such an amazing love with Chris -- one many only dream about. It's that love that makes losing him so much harder. Know I am praying for you, especially today!

  4. I can tell you that the pain you are describing is what I call that deep, deep constant heart ache way down in the very depths of your soul. For me it lasted 1 1/2 years before it began to dissipate. Now it hits me from time to time throughout the day and I am starting on my 3rd year without my husband.

    One exercise that we did in my Widow's Walk group was to list the things we loved about our husbands and then list our husband's imperfections. I felt like I was dishonoring my husband by doing the 2nd exercise, but our leader, who was very wise, told us that we tend to put our husbands way up on a pedestal after they leave this earth.

    Though that particular exercise was a very hard one for me to do, it helped me to see that he was human just as I am a human with good qualities as well as imperfections. It didn't make me love him any less. He was the only man I ever dated. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was wonderful and I knew that I was totally and completely loved by him. He was my picture of Christ's unconditional love.

  5. Wise Words Candy. This is part of Grief and as you know there are NO answers. How blessed you are to have given over the ANGER and now only feel love, but that does magnify the loneliness. My heart breaks for your pain. Prayers continue daily!