Cemetery Guilt

In the beginning, I visited daily. Sometimes more than once a day. My trips to the cemetery to sit at my husband's grave are absolutely precious to me. It's where I spend a lot of time praying, weeping, "talking" to Chris, and thinking. He's buried in a beautiful memorial park in a section that sits on a small hill with a mountain landscape dropped in right behind it - or right in front depending on the angle from where you're observing. It's a beautiful God painting!

After I returned to work following Chris' death, I continued to head to the cemetery before I would go home many nights each week. I know Chris isn't actually there, but just knowing his earthly body is just a few feet under from where I stand or sit makes me feel close to him (as crazy as this might sound). On one occasion, I was talking with a co-worker who also lost a close family member a few months before me, and she asked me a question that she thought would make me wonder if she'd lost her marbles. She asked, "Sometimes, do you ever just want to dig him up so you could see him again, hold him again, feel him again?" She went on to share that she had been thinking those strange things herself regarding her loved one. Interestingly enough...I totally got that. As crazy as it may appear, I also wanted to do that very impossible thing.

As the months went on, the colder days set in, school started back for my new high schooler, and life got a little more hectic. My cemetery days shrunk to just weekend days. I felt so guilty for that. It was almost as if I thought Chris would be disappointed if I didn't show up for several days. I KNOW (in my "knower" as my friend Lorie would say) that this is crazy thinking. He's NOT there. However, it didn't stop me from feeling the way I did.

Then came November. The time changed, and the shorter days became even shorter and much colder. This particular cemetery closes at sunset - meaning I often can't get there after work anymore during the week. Then, I discovered my weekends were full - going out of town, running errands, etc. Before I knew it - I hadn't been to Chris' grave in a couple of weeks. Upon realization of that - I wept. I felt I had betrayed him. Seriously. I know this makes no sense, in many ways, but this was huge to me. The guilt was almost more than I could take.

It's practically mid-January now. I've only been to visit his gravesite maybe 5 times in the last 12 weeks. For some, even that's too much. For me? It's just another bend in the Grief Road. Does this mean I care less? On the contrary actually. As I blogged just a week or so ago, I'm more in love with my husband now than ever before. I want to honor him now every way imaginable. But, the cemetery guilt is leaving. I know Chris would not want me out there all the time. I can still "talk to him" from the comforts of home.

And, honestly, I look forward to spring - the warmer, longer days - when I can spend a little more time in that peaceful, special place out of "want to" rather than guilt. Oh, how I miss him so...

Do You Want to Get Well?

Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews.  Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades.  Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.  One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”  At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. ~John 5:1-8 NIV

The words kept ringing in my ears...

Do you want to get well? Do you want to get well? Do you want to get well?

I remembered this very healing that took place at the pool of Bethesda when Jesus uttered these words, but I couldn't remember the exact location and the context of the words. And so my search began...

I found the reference immediately and went right to John 5, and I studied. I read the words over and over. I even studied the Greek a bit. I went to my Bible software suite and studied it in a commentary. What are you trying to say to me here Lord?

Do you want to get well?

And...then I knew. I've been sick. Not in the physical sense that most would think of...cold, flu, virus...but heartsick, grief-sick. And, like the invalid here in this passage, I've been waiting on someone to help me into the "water". My statements might sound something like this, however...

-I can't do this. It's just too hard.

-Everyone around me seems to be oblivious to how deeply I'm hurting.

-It's easier to just stay where I'm at. Grief work is too hard.

-I'm putting on weight again. I seem to be going in reverse of what I should be doing.

-I've tried everything, but nothing seems to work anymore.

-I want healing, and I'm just too tired to do anything about it. Nobody seems to understand that.

For me, "the water" represents that which I can never reach. Like the invalid, I've had moments where I've simply laid there waiting on someone to help me. But everyone would run right past me. Like the invalid, I got used to my circumstances and eventually fell prey to them. I allowed them to overtake me at times (i.e. food). Like the invalid, I somewhat gave up the fight. I felt it was useless...I would never reach the "water". 

But then the Holy Spirit quickened me with those words that wouldn't go away. Do you want to get well? 

When I studied this passage, I realized a couple of things...

1) The invalid DID want to get well. He was just "stuck" in his misery.

2) Jesus was the only one that could help him see the way out of his misery.

3) The man had to obey Jesus' instructions to receive his healing. 

4) The man no longer relied on anyone else to get to the healing waters. He stood up and walked. 

5) The man didn't need the waters to be healed...he needed the Savior.

So what am I supposed to do with this Lord? What are you trying to say?

Do you want to get well?

Yes, Lord! I do! I desperately do!

Then, start walking. Nobody else will carry you where you need to go. But, trust in what I tell you to do, and you will have the strength to do it...without the aid of the "healing waters". 

My healing may not yet be complete (and it may never be complete this side of heaven), but I'm walking friends...I'm putting one foot in front of the other, and I'm walking!

My Core Four

If you're popping over from my post on A Widow's Might today, I'm so thrilled to say "welcome"!

One of the tangible ways God has poured out His lavish love on me these past 8 months of grief is through a group I have affectionately dubbed my Core Four!

My Core Four is not a group of fictitious superheroes (although, we're working on names and costumes just for fun). It is a group of Jesus-loving women, uniquely gifted and I believe specifically called by God to come alongside me "at such a time as this".

Let me first say, God has blessed me with an ARMY of support - not just these 4 ladies. I actually wanted to write a post calling out each name one-by-one and sharing how each person has served as the hands of feet of Jesus to Anna and/or me in these last 8 months. However, as I started formulating the list, it simply grew so large that I was afraid I would forget somebody. That's a treasure in and of itself. And, I don't take this "army" of support lightly.

However, there are times that I simply can't share everything my heart actually feels on this blog or other social media outlet. It's simply too painful, and honestly not very appropriate at times. That's where my Core Four comes in.

These are the ladies I feel safe in sending a text message to at anytime of the day or night I can also call these ladies, and they will sit and listen even as I share no words - only sob. They are the ones that don't always have the words to say but know the One that does and never fails to go to Him on my behalf. These four pray when they say they pray. I can also trust them with my deepest, most painful feelings, and I know they'll give good guidance and won't pretend to offer any advice not rooted in love. But, perhaps the greatest blessing I've received from these women (aside from prayer and encouragement) is the ability to speak truth to me. They will not allow me to pit-wallow without checking in to see what the latest cause might be. If unfounded, they will make sure the truths of God's word have been spoken into my life. They keep me accountable to His Word, and oh how I need that! Its so very easy in times of despair to not believe anything anymore, to settle into a "woe is me attitude"

These four are from four different stages of life - 3 married, 1 divorced; 1 grandmother, 2 with young pre-school aged children, 1 with children of all ages, 3 work outside the home, 1 works inside the home. The closest any of them live from me is about 35 minutes away. So, they are not just a hop, jump, and a skip away. We actually communicate most frequently by phone, email, Facebook, and texting. I've also known each of them for varying lengths of time - one for 21 years, another for 3 years, and the last two for a little over two years. Regardless of time, God has uniquely knit us together, and they are true sisters to me!

Friends, it is not good for us to be alone. Jesus, Himself, surrounded Himself with the 12 men that became His disciples. God never meant for us to be in relationship alone. He made us for relationship - 1st with Himself, and secondly with each other.

One of the things that's "haunted me" perhaps more than anything else about Chris' suicide is this very thing. Granted, he had a small group of friends. A few guys that he would like to fish and hunt with, a few at church he would joke around with, some at work that he would cut up with, but I know he didn't have a Core Four of his own. He didn't have a group that he could go to with alarming text messages simply saying "Help me!" (Yes - I've sent those at times.) And - he certainly never let me in on the deep burdens of his mind and heart that led to his final action. Could it have had a different outcome if he allowed himself to be surrounded by a "Core Four" of his own? Honestly, I'll never know the answer to that question.

I urge you, however. Allow yourself to immersed into a small body of close friends that can become your "Core". If you don't have that - ask God for it! He'll provide those people, because I KNOW that He wants that for you. Just open your eyes to see them around you, and open your heart to accept their friendship and love. Don't do this life alone. It's simply too hard.

She Gets It! (More Than I Do!)

During these 8 months of new widowhood, I've learned a lot - more than I ever carried to know, if truth be told.

I've learned that my emotions love to ride roller coasters. I've discovered that there is no true "pattern" to grief. I've figured out that the "Leah before May 3/4" is so different from the "Leah after May 3/4". I've realized that I don't always have to be the giver - it's okay to be on the receiving side sometimes.

But, that's where I've gotten hung up - quite a bit, actually. Friends, I've always been the independent one. I've had a lifetime's share of disappointments and heartaches (and that was BEFORE my husband's tragic suicide in May). As a result, I had developed a bit of a thick skin. Independence was my friend. I didn't need anyone or anything. I could take care of myself. And, then I met my precious Chris...

He changed me in so many good ways. He softened me. He cared for me. He loved me! It was wonderful to let somebody "take care of me" as he always did and wouldn't have it any other way. He was a servant, by nature. Not just with me but with everybody he met. He would give a complete stranger the shirt off his back in the middle of winter if needed. And, that servant heart of his translated well in our marriage.

When Chris left this earth for our heavenly home on May 4, 2011 - my world shattered! Completely. I was lost. I didn't know what to do. That independent woman of long ago was nowhere to be found. I depended on anybody that would make themselves available to me, and most especially I depended on God - the One that will NEVER leave me.

After awhile, however, that dependence became uncomfortable for me. I felt needy. I didn't want to come across that way to my friends and family. Yes. I needed people desperately, but I didn't want to ask for help. I guess I just wanted people to figure out what I needed without me having to tell them. That was unfair of me, I know. I just didn't know how to handle this new "temporarily needy me".

Several months ago, I had a conversation with a friend that left me a little unsettled. We discussed the scriptural mandate to care for orphans and widows. I shared that I felt people were more easily drawn to caring for orphans but didn't know what to do with widows. She asked me to explain further. I said that orphan awareness is THANKFULLY growing by and large more and more everyday (and happens to be a passion of mine as well), but I rarely hear about the widows part of the mandate. She then asked, "What would it look like to care for a widow...to you?" I tried to answer the question but fumbled over my words.  Honestly, I didn't know how to answer it. I truly didn't even know what I needed at that moment.

And - that's just it! I can only speak for myself and my own journey. But, I honestly believe what I've needed most in these early months is for people to simply come alongside and be the hands and feet of Jesus to me in whatever ways He directs them. People that are closely involved in my life should be able to physically see what that might be. People that talk to me on a regular basis might even hear those needs uttered with my own lips at times (even when I'm not aware of it). For others - perfect strangers - it might take the nudging of the Holy Spirit. But, I honestly believe that learning the Love Language of a widow and speaking that language to her is one of the most loving ways to be "Jesus with skin on" to her. Widowhood is exhausting! I've had so many people say, "just let me know if you need anything". While the sentiment is sincere...what I've needed most is somebody to "serve" in whatever way the Lord tells them, because I honestly don't know what I need sometimes. Don't wait on me to ask or share or give you an idea...it will probably never come. I'm simply too tired to even try and figure it out sometimes.

So, you can imagine my surprise, pure delight, and utter amazement when my girlie and I were abundantly blessed this Christmas by an anonymous Christmas Angel (as I like to call him/her/them). It made our first Christmas without Chris much sweeter to have so much love poured out on us. Thank you God!

And then again...God blew me away yesterday when I received an email from a new blog and Twitter friend that I've never met. She lives clear across the country from me, in the state of Washington. She had an idea that she wanted to employ this year about Paying it Forward in 2012 and wanted my permission to bless my daughter and me with this idea. I was literally blown away. I cried and cried (happy tears). I was truly speechless at first and didn't even know how to begin to thank her for wanting to pour out such love and care on someone she's never met. That's all God. I know that full well! But, I also know something else...my new friend gets it! She understands how to care for and pour out love on a new, young widow (much more than I do actually). Thank you friend for being Jesus to Anna and me and for all that are coming alongside her to bless us with encouragement this year! I am praying that God blesses each of you...abundantly!

Deeper In Love

You know the expression, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” For me, I’m finding that to be very true.

I had a hard day yesterday. (OK – I need to get real. I’ve had a hard several weeks.) Anyway, as I was thinking about Chris (like I do ALL the time), I suddenly realized that I’m more in love with him now than ever before. How can that be?

Some would argue that I should be angry with him. Oh – trust me – I have been, but I’ve given that to the Lord, and I have forgiven him. Some would think the longer I go without seeing him, hearing his voice, feeling his touch that my heart would gravitate towards other things/people to fill the “void”. Sure. I guess that’s natural too. The most common things I hear sound something like this, “You’re young. You’re pretty. You have so much to offer someone. You have a lot of life left in you. You’ll find true love again.” Those are well-meaning words from truly wonderful people, but for now…I simply have no comment.

All I know…right now…I’m more in love with my husband – my deceased husband – than I ever have been in my entire life. I love him more now than the day we married, and I never dreamed that would be possible. I truly don’t understand how this can be, but it is what it is. I think that’s why it hurts so badly.

I passionately love someone that can’t love me back. You can’t imagine (well, I know some of you can) how much that hurts. I truly ache inside from a heart that remains shattered.

Yes, I’m learning how to take steps forward. I’m forcing myself to function in life again. I’m actually serving in ministry again, and I LOVE that! But, I’m still a broken-hearted woman, deeply mourning the love of her life!

The Answer

I'm not sure where to start after my last post. That was a painful one to write, but it came in the midst of a very painful season of my grief journey.

One thing I've strived to do throughout this process is be as transparent as I feel safe in doing, because I want people to know what this feels like for three main reasons:

(1) I want other women that have found themselves walking Grief Road as a widow to know that they're not alone...that God allows us to comfort each other with the comfort He also has given us. We are at varying phases of the journey, and our journeys are certainly not the same. Each Grief Road is like a snowflake, in my opinion. No two are the same, yet there are enough similarities that they are relatable.

(2) In the case that someone reading this might have ever contemplated suicide, I pray the pain and the "after effects" of making such a final decision stay clearly in the front of their mind, causing that to never take place. I want hurting people to read my words or watch my Vlogs and see the pain it causes those left behind and maybe...just maybe...it will be enough to say "it's not worth it".

(3) I pray that the body of Christ that hasn't ever been affected by death first-hand, or in a long time, learns how badly the population of widows needs you. The Lord, in His Word, is VERY clear about how much He cares for orphans and widows and the mandate He gives in caring for them. I am the first to admit, I was much happier to jump on the orphan advocacy "train" before colliding with the widow train head on. But, God never differentiated between the two saying one was more important to care for than the other. We've made that differentiation on our own. I hate to admit...I was in that group. So, I pray that my posts help to awaken a need...a deep need in the church. I have been blessed to be cared for by several in my church body quite well, but I know how easy it is to dismiss widows, in general.

Even saying all of that, there is still much I don't share. It's too personal. It's too painful. I don't believe it will edify anybody if I write it on this format. And...so, I don't. The snippets of this journey that I share on this platform are just that...snippets. Oh, friends, there is so much more. So, very much more. In time, maybe God will allow me to share more.

So, where am I now? Tomorrow marks eight months since my husband was first discovered as missing. Eight months since my living nightmare began. And, in eight months, I'm still deeply hurting, questioning, and aching. But, I've also seen Christ reach down and meet me where I'm at, pull me out of the mire, refresh my weary soul, and begin a process of restoration. A slow beginning, but a beginning nonetheless. And...so I let Him. I have been quieter than normal, because I'm listening a lot more.

There are still many firsts ahead to embrace...my first birthday without him later this month (turning 40, on top of that), Valentine's Day, Easter, the first anniversary of his death, and those are just the major ones. But, I'm still trusting in God's greater plan through all of this.

Just last weekend, I challenged Him with a question...one that I hadn't asked of the Lord before, but I finally did...

Lord, why didn't You stop him? You could have. I know You could have. Why did You let him take his own life? I know we have free will and all, but he loved You. You would have only had to whisper a word, and he would still be in my arms today. So, what is it Lord that kept that from happening? Why is he with You now instead of with me?

The answer came...immediately...

It was one of those moments I wish I could have back, because I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't been there. I was sitting in my recliner in the bedroom...SOBBING...crying out to the Lord...begging for answers. Right after asking the questions...a calming peace swept over me like I've never experienced. In. My. Life. Seriously! And then came the inaudible answer...

Because, I will be more glorified in his death than in his life. 

The sobbing stopped. Immediately. I was simply stunned, as I sat there. And, then I knew. He was right! He's always right! He's God! I pondered back to many other people that even predeceased Chris. Others that died too young or in ways that seemed unfair. And, each time God appears to have been way more glorified in their deaths.

May it be so, Lord! May it please be so!

Performance Living

Going through the motions. That’s what I’m doing these days. The motions…of simply living, that is.

I wake. I perform my morning routine.
I arrive at work. I perform my workday routine.
I return home. I perform my evening routine.

Sometimes, I just sit…performing my “nothingness routine”.

As I pondered this last night, I began to think that, for me, going through the motions really means “performance living”.

I’ve entered a new unfamiliar stage of this grief journey. Nearly 8 months into this, I find lots of discomfort in this new territory. I’ve experienced small fragments of time like this previously since my husband’s death, but nothing this consistent. I just don’t have the energy for true, purposeful living right now. Yes, I’m living day by day, obviously. But, I’ve discovered I’m really doing more “performing”. I’m like an actress, performing the role of Leah, the widow. There are certain tasks that must be performed everyday. I do them, but that’s it. That’s the extent of it.

I don’t like this role, at all. I want to be cast in a new role…one with more pizzazz, more excitement, more joy! I have so much I want to share...so much I want to give back…so much life to live! But, I have no energy right now, so my desires translate into very little.

I’m a fixer, a doer, a Type A perfectionist (yes, I admit it). But, right now, I feel lazy, unproductive, and somewhat “fake”. I feel like I see the shell of a woman I don’t recognize anymore. And, that translates into many areas of my life. I spent the first 5 months of 2011 losing weight in a healthy manner. After Chris died, I lost even more (just due to grieving). But, by August…food became my comfort again. Not good. At all. I don't recognize me anymore and am sickened by what I see in the mirror every single day.

So, I’m struggling right now…with grief, with purpose, with self-esteem, and with trying to regain focus. I simply can’t stand this.

Jesus came for more than this. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 NASB

Lord, I beg you. Show me how to live that abundant life. Give me renewed strength and energy. I want more than this performance living. I want all that You gave up for me on that cross over 2000 years ago. Help me, Lord!