Anytime a loved one dies, there always seems to be a multitude of "lasts" that are grieved. In the case of my husband, I've rehearsed the "lasts" more times than I can count...the last time I heard his voice, the last time I felt his lips on mine, the last time we sat beside each other in church, the last time I woke up beside him, the last time we went to the beach together, and the list seems endless. Over the last month, I've also learned that the firsts are almost just as difficult - actually harder than the lasts. And...tonight...my mind has gone there so often, as tomorrow will be the first month anniversary of the day I buried Chris. For some reason, this first was harder than the first month anniversary of his death a few days ago. This first has been so much more difficult than...
the first time I realized he wasn't coming back home...
the first time I slept in our bed without him...
the first time I went to the cemetery by myself...
the first time I went back to our favorite restaurant...
the first time I went to a church service without him...
the first time I went back to our Sunday School class...
the first time I had to share with someone that hadn't heard the news of his death...
the first time I received a hug from someone after he died...
the first time I walked into our closet and got a glimpse of his never-to-be-worn again clothes.
That's just a few of the firsts, but for some reason...knowing that tomorrow brings the first month anniversary since he was buried, I'm suffocating with grief again. I've had such a blessed day today with many laughs, many hugs, many smiles, and now this? This avalanche of sorrow all over again? I'm simply worn out from this pain...again.
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Oh sweet Leah! Grieving with you still. I am so glad that you are allowing yourself to mourn these moments. That hug's still earning interest!
ReplyDeleteLeah, I just cannot imagine the pain. God has chosen you for this journey because you are a soldier and stronger than probably anyone I know right now. I pray for peace tonight sweet girl.
ReplyDeletePraying, Leah...praying.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Sister, and I am lifting you up to OUR FATHER right now!
ReplyDeleteLeah, So glad we spent some time together at lunch in the middle of the chaos of work today. I'm the type of person who just wants to hug you and make everything better, but I know that is not possible. All I can offer is my prayers, tears, and friendship. Please know that you have all three. Rick Huff
ReplyDeletePraying for enveloping comforting and peace that passes understanding. And just praying.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Leah. Bless your heart, I know this is painful, sweetie. Keep looking to Jesus, who is the First and the Last. Period. He knows your pain. And know that many people are continuing to lift you up in prayer. There will be brighter days ahead. Grieving is sort of like the weather, isn't it? There are dark days and brighter ones. Gradually, you'll have more brighter days. Until then, *hugs*
ReplyDeleteDeath leaves a heartache that only God can heal but Love leaves a memory that no one can steal. I am praying for you...
ReplyDeleteYou come to my thoughts often, Leah. Praying for you!
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