This week has been dark. Very, very dark. I re-entered the crevices of the caves of grief in places I haven’t been since the immediate days following Chris’ death. The darkness was literally suffocating me. I wanted to curl up in a ball…but, I still had to function…if for nobody else…for my sweet girl!
I sent out a few urgent prayer requests and then virtually “shut up” for several days. It took immense amounts of energy to even have a conversation…whether in person or virtually through social media.
I’ve had so many people wanting to help me. But, I honestly haven’t known what to say. I didn’t know how to ask for help, and I didn’t know how they could help. I didn’t even understand what was happening to me, so how could I possibly convey that to others? When I had to be around people, I put on a fake smile (whenever the tears weren’t pouring) and functioned robotically. But, I continued to sink deeper and deeper into the dark crevices.
But…late Wednesday evening…things started to change. I started to sense I was being lifted out of the pit of despair, and I attribute it to 3 very distinct things:
1. Prayers of the faithful. I’ve had many people tell me they are praying for me. I realize that sometimes that’s simply a response when you don’t know what else to say. But, there are the others…the praying faithful…that literally lift my name before the Father’s throne. Without your prayers…I shudder to think what I would be like. Thank you for your faithfulness on behalf of a grieving sister!
2. Devastating news from a friend. I had a call from a friend on Wednesday night that shared with me that she just received the news that she has breast cancer. I was stunned! I noticed, however, that as I shifted my prayers from my own pitiful state to interceding for my friend…the crevices of despair started to open a little wider, and I could now see hints of light.
3. Kathy. The Lord sent me a special sister in the faith, who also experienced the death of her husband by suicide less than a year ago. She spent several hours pouring into me last night, and the Holy Spirit revealed Himself to me in perhaps deeper ways than I’ve ever known before. To quote my new friend, “Suicide is a BEAST.” Grief over this type of death is like no other. And, for God to send me this special lady to pour life back into me continues to reveal to me that I have NOT been abandoned (as much as the enemy would love for me to believe that).
This is only the beginning, friends. If you choose to continue to travel Grief Road with me, please know that it twists and turns quite often, and it might even cause a little motion sickness. But, I’m humbled to have you along on the journey. And…as many of you have already discovered…I’m not good at asking for help (in any way, shape, or form). So, if the Lord directs you…just obey Him. I honestly don’t know what I need. He’s my Husband now…so, He’ll have to make those decisions for me. Love you all!