As the battle with grief continues to rage within me, I find I still struggle...
I struggle with suppressing my joyous memories of Chris, because they always end in heartbreaking tears. But, I also know that bottling my emotions isn't healthy. I'm just so tired of crying.
I struggle with doubt. I so often doubt that I can be used by God anymore. I often feel like a "used up" woman that can never be effective in ministry again. I know that's a lie from the father of lies, but I still feel that way more times that I can count.
I struggle with where to go from here. All the plans Chris and I made together for our future seem to have died as well. Sure there are some things that I can still do without him. But, the question now remains...do I even want to?
I struggle with words. I don't know what to say much of the time...to people...on this blog...in my journal. I'm void of words and seem to just go through the motions of the day never really reaching a place of purpose.
I struggle with relationships. I feel like I'm being held and lifted up by so many and yet have very little to offer in return right now. That hurts, because I want to love each of you back the way you're loving on me. And yet...I'm struggling with how to do that right now.
I struggle with energy. I have none. The basic things in life seem to zap me...preparing a meal, getting ready for work, paying bills, cleaning house, and sometimes...even reading a book. It all takes energy, and I don't seem to have much right now.
I struggle in so many other areas that don't even need to have space dedicated to them within this post.
But, one thing I do NOT struggle with...God is still God! God is still Good! God is still in control! And...God will be faithful to bring me through this!
But, in my flesh, I still struggle...