Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I Struggle

As the battle with grief continues to rage within me, I find I still struggle...

I struggle with suppressing my joyous memories of Chris, because they always end in heartbreaking tears. But, I also know that bottling my emotions isn't healthy. I'm just so tired of crying.

I struggle with doubt. I so often doubt that I can be used by God anymore. I often feel like a "used up" woman that can never be effective in ministry again. I know that's a lie from the father of lies, but I still feel that way more times that I can count.

I struggle with where to go from here. All the plans Chris and I made together for our future seem to have died as well. Sure there are some things that I can still do without him. But, the question now I even want to?

I struggle with words. I don't know what to say much of the people...on this my journal. I'm void of words and seem to just go through the motions of the day never really reaching a place of purpose.

I struggle with relationships. I feel like I'm being held and lifted up by so many and yet have very little to offer in return right now. That hurts, because I want to love each of you back the way you're loving on me. And yet...I'm struggling with how to do that right now.

I struggle with energy. I have none. The basic things in life seem to zap me...preparing a meal, getting ready for work, paying bills, cleaning house, and sometimes...even reading a book. It all takes energy, and I don't seem to have much right now.

I struggle in so many other areas that don't even need to have space dedicated to them within this post.

But, one thing I do NOT struggle with...God is still God! God is still Good! God is still in control! And...God will be faithful to bring me through this!

But, in my flesh, I still struggle...


  1. (((((Hugs)))) There is absolutely no need to be more than just what you are right now.

  2. I hear the honesty that God so desires from us - it doesn't take away the pain, but deepens our desire for more of Him. I understand the pain because....when I fell, this is how I felt too. The struggle just was...and it was painful and lonely.

  3. Oh dear friend. Even though our circumstances are different, we both deal with the grief process and the lies that come flying at us. You are not alone and yes God is still God, amazing, good, loves us and will sustain us. I too struggle with words a lot! With what to do, the ugly doubt. I know you are a giver, God knows you are a giver but right now is not the time, for your tank needs to keep being filled with His love from others. Love you sister, in Christ!

  4. Leah, sometimes when we find ourselves in the valley, all we can do is go through the motions of putting one foot in front the other and trusting Him to guide us through. There are times we just do what we know to do and God will do the rest. I love your willingness to keep sharing this healing process with us. God IS still using you!!

  5. Its ok to feel this way. Let yourself have all the time you need. Don't worry about not loving on us as friends enough. I pray I am here for support and words of encouragement to you, even if we've never met. I'm not in your shoes, however I've heard there is not time limit on grief and no manual on how one should act. I'm praying for you.

  6. And this my friend is a SEASON. Yes a season. Not that Chris is coming back, but your grief will go through seasons. And like seasons do, they change. Each one of them bring their own tools for growth. You don't feel or see growth now but when you look back you will see a woman who struggled but who STOOD. That is the key here, you are STANDING firm on the Word of God. The thing this is remaining the same as all is swirling around you is your knowledge of who GOD is. THAT IS something. It is the only thing. This is all the normal way of processing. Don't be too hard on yourself. It is okay to coast during this season and to just soak up all the prayers from friends. There will be season will come again where you are able to "do" for others. Now just let others stand in the gap for you. Blessings dear friend.

  7. It's so strange to have someone else describe the exact emotions and feelings that I was having just a few (and currently) weeks ago. I'm just a little ahead on this journey of grief with you. Praying for you as you allow God to carry you on this path. You are not alone...He will never leaver or forsake you.