My Eight Weeks of Grief

Eight weeks ago today (May 3)
…I heard my husband’s audible voice for the last time.
…He went “missing”.
…I was offered the job of my prayers but rather than celebrating with my husband, I sat in a police station filing a missing person’s report.
…I cried out to God to HELP US. El Roi sees all, and I prayed El Roi would lead us to Chris. He did on May 4.

Seven weeks ago
…I was still in shock over having just buried my husband on Mother’s Day.
…I still couldn’t sleep in my own bed and still had friends coming over to stay with me and my daughter at night.
…I was angry that my husband chose to take his own life.
…I remained in God’s Word daily, but could only absorb snippets of scripture. I prayed daily, but my prayers were mostly cries and groans seeking Abba’s help.

Six weeks ago
…I was back to sleeping in my own bed and no longer had to have overnight visitors
…I struggled to understand my husband’s suicide, but I was no longer angry, I was just very, very sad and remorseful over the fact that I didn’t notice his pain. How could I have not noticed his pain?
…I began weep less in public and lots more in private.
…The shock started to leave, and the reality set in.
…God’s Word began to comfort me more.

Five weeks ago
…I spent lots of time at the cemetery, for it brought me such peace and closeness to Abba.
…I began to experience brief moments of freedom in the grief process.
…I began my new job this week, and felt such agape love from my new co-workers.
…My daughter and I continued to be blessed with meals from our church family, and we still enjoyed daily cards in the mail or weekly flower deliveries.
…I continued to abide in the Word and in other books God led me to, often through other people.

Four weeks ago
…I started to go through Chris’ things a little…starting with a pile of dirty laundry I found on our closet floor.
…The post-death paperwork started to mount, and I began to feel very overwhelmed.
…I continued to struggle with decision making, and everything I did took massive amounts of energy.
…I was exhausted all the time, as I’ve been since this journey began.
…I finally started talking with more people about how my husband died. Suicide no longer was my shame.
…God’s Word – still my lifeline.

Three weeks ago
…I started to realize that there would be many “firsts” that I would be experiencing following Chris’ death.
…I continually longed for heaven and for Jesus to return quickly.
…The meals stopped, so my daughter and I began to have to figure out nutrition on our own again. Something that should be simple…not so easy it seemed.
…The cards stopped coming, as I knew they would. By they were a bright spot in my day while they lasted…just like my husband, in a similar way.
…I begged God to take me deeper in His Word.

Two weeks ago
…I began to realize the emotional roller coaster of grief. I just never realized what a truly “wild ride” it would be.
…God began to connect me with other women that have walked similar journeys.
…I started to understand that, with God, I can make it through this. He’s just going to have to give me the “want to”.
…I craved God…literally craved Him. I began to lean on scripture’s teaching of God as Husband of the widow.

One week ago
…I continued riding the emotional grief pendulum. Some days would be good but would turn sour before the day ended. Sometimes the reverse would be true.
…I only visited the cemetery once this week, and I felt like I cheated Chris. I know he’s not there…really I do, but I still feel like I need to be out there more often than that.
…I experienced my best day since Chris died during a day trip to Atlanta with my daughter and her friend.
…I seek to know God…really know God through His Word.

And today (June 28)
…It's still early yet, but I pray I do something today to glorify the GREATNESS of God!