Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Heart Flutters

I caught a glimpse of him as he walked his elderly wife to the truck and then proceeded to unlock and open the door for her. She gave him a genuinely respectful smile, and he slowly made his way to the driver’s side of the vehicle. With a quick start of the engine, they were soon gone.

My heart fluttered. I was happily able to observe what appeared to be a simple, yet sweet, true love – now fully blossomed – more-than-likely in its last years on earth. I was able to witness chivalry alive and well. And, I smiled.

My heart fluttered again. This time, the flutter came from the fact that the discovery of my husband’s death by suicide 16 weeks ago today began a nightmarish journey that would result in my true love never being able to fully blossom. My heart fluttered again, while reminiscing the memories of my own gentleman of a husband doing the same thing for me many times during our courtship and marriage. But, this time, my fluttering heart produced a cavernous loneliness. And, I cried.

No sooner had the first tear fallen than my spirit quickened to His still, small voice…

I am near. You are not alone. If you only knew, my daughter, how close I am right now to you.

Oh...Heavenly Father…reveal more of yourself to me. Let me truly feel your nearness. I long for your Presence. My mind knows you are near…please, allow my heart to come to that same understanding as I walk through these painful days of grief.

Pure emotions. If nothing else, I’m trying my best to be honest with my unadulterated emotions during this grief process. I can honestly say that I haven’t always done that. I’ve been a great actress at times, if I do say so myself. But, I cease to pretend. I’m choosing to face the emotions…head on…no matter how painful.

Be near, Oh Lord, be near…


  1. I so appreciate your authenticity through this journey, Leah. I know He's going to bless others through your honesty.


  2. Leah, a big hug to you today. Thank you so much for letting us share in your journey as we pray for you. May you be blessed.

  3. I really appreciate your transparency during this grief journey, Leah.

    I never felt safe or comfortable sharing mine with anyone (even God at times) which led me to a prodigal season with added heartache and suffering. While God did faithfully work everything for my God, including my waivering faith and the decions I made with it, I know that having a safe place to talk about how hurt, angry, sad, etc. I was would have made a difference.

    I am so glad you have found that here with many who are walking beside you in this journey; and priviliged to be one of them.

  4. (Ooops I meant to say everything for my "good" but hey, God could work too :) )