Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I'm Scared

Generally, I'm about as fearless as they come. There is very little I'm afraid of, and I have quite the adventurous spirit - making me a bit of a "daredevil" at times. I'm just wired that way, and it's certainly made for interesting experiences in life (with hopefully many more to come).

However, I have to admit something. I'm scared. I'm actually scared...of grief.

You're probably thinking...why now? After nearly 7 months as a widow, she's just now figuring out she's scared of grief? What's to be scared of? She's already survived 7 months.

Actually, I've been scared of it all along. I'm just admitting it now. It's really hard to explain, and I've been trying to sort out my feelings over this, hence the blog post about it. Like everything else along this journey, I find it makes more sense to me (even if to nobody else) if I write about it. So, here I am...

Honestly, I'm scared of the unknowns of grief. I'm scared of the peaks and valleys. I'm scared of the waves that come out of nowhere and try to "carry me out to sea". I'm scared of losing control over my emotions (it's happened a couple of times already) - especially in places not conducive to such an "event". I'm scared of people getting tired of my grieving, thereby losing my support system. I'm scared of forgetting something important (my mind is still very muddled these days). I'm scared of not having a shoulder to cry on when I need it most. I'm just plain scared.

I know the "Christianese" responses to the above. I know what the Bible says about fear. I especially know the part about there being no fear in love, and God's love casts out fear. I know that I need to just leave this at the Lord's throne for Him to deal with. I know all of these things, but right now...knowing them and living them out are two entirely different things.

Entering this season of Advent and Christmas is very emotional for me. Very, very emotional. This makes my grief fears all the more prevalent. I don't know all the answers for what this next month holds, but I know the One that does. I'm desperately clinging to Him now. I don't want to be scared anymore.


  1. Leah, I am praying for you sweet girl. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I have no words of wisdom, but I understand the fear of the unknown, the things we cannot control. I pray your knowing will soon translate into feeling.

  2. I love you, Leah. You are brave. For courage continues to move forward in faith...thru the fear and the unknowns. You CAN do this.

  3. I am scared too! I have lost what little support I had. It is a lonely place. I wish I had your number, I'd call you right now. I will continue to pray for you and especially that God give you peace and not fear. Love you friend!!!

  4. May you know that absence is full of tender presence & that nothing is ever lost or forgotten....full of eternal echo.~John O'Donohue

    Thank you for your honesty. Grief is unpredictable and well...scary. Lots of cyber hugs and prayers for you xo

  5. Praying for you. May God send you sweet comfort and peace. Thank you for offering your encouragement and well wishes to others, even strangers like me, in the midst of grief. May God honor your sacrifice of praise and bless you beyond measure.

  6. You are not alone. I too experience these same fears, as they apply to my own life. I'm offering my two shoulders for you. You WILL get through this Holiday season. And, ya know what? January & February are next; and they come with their own troubles. HE is here for you in each season; and this is s season...the one He's chosen for you right now. It WILL be all right. YOU WILL be alright. Don't be afraid of your weaknesses (hah! easier said than done, I know.)and TRUST, in HIM AND your friends! :~)

  7. Leah,
    In our humanness, we fear, and the Lord knows and understands our vulnerability. He can be trusted to carry you through the holidays and all the days ahead. You will get through this, dear one.
    My prayer for you is that you will experience a closeness and intimacy with your Lord like never before. Embrace the grief, as it is vital to heal your broken heart. Don't be afraid to let it out. It is the path to healing... normal and necessary. Thank you for your honesty. It encourages this community to know that they are not alone in their struggles. God bless your beautiful heart as you walk this journey hand in hand with Him.
    Hugs, Renee'