Nothing frustrates me more on this grief journey than trying to figure out what might trigger a meltdown. Just when I think I've mastered it...I'm surprised yet again. And, sadly, I know that grief is completely unpredictable...so, why am I even trying to figure everything out? Well...that's just my personality...to put it bluntly.
I'm Type A. I'm a recovering perfectionist. I'm a first born. I'm a planner. I'm organized (or at least I am in some settings - I used to be in EVERY setting). I'm just one of these "I've got to figure it all out" kind of gals. But, you know what? God is really trying to shake some of that out of me. And...He's succeeding perhaps more than ever before.
I'm realizing (even though I'm not happy about it) that I will never fully figure out this grief journey. I'm just having to walk it day by day (sometimes hour by hour), trusting that God will get me through each and every meltdown or panic attack and set my feet back upon the Rock when I stumble. Friends...that's hard for me to admit and even harder for me to accept. If there's a problem...I want to fix it. For me, grief is my "problem" right now, but there's nothing I can do to "fix it". I just have to go THROUGH it!
Saturday evening took me to a special gathering with some people I work with and a group of sweet guests. I had been looking forward to this night for weeks. But...
There's the "but" again...
As I drove the 8 miles from my house to the venue...I went from excited to sad to scared to practically panicky. The only thing that I can think of that triggered this was the fact that I realized Chris wouldn't be with me, and I would be attending something that would find me around lots of couples. No - I wasn't the only single lady there, but it didn't matter at the time. I was without Chris...and HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE WITH ME!!! Amongst the sadness, anger started to creep in a bit. I kept trying to suppress these irritating emotions. I had to pull myself together and quickly! I pulled into the parking lot, parked my car and sat there. Just sat there with my chest heaving...my mind racing...my heart fluttering...my eyes fighting back tears...my throat closing. What was happening to me? I couldn't move. I just sat. I watched couples walk into the building - hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm. Lord, I need help right now. Show me what to do.
I think I was on the verge of my first ever panic attack or perhaps just another meltdown.
Just then, I felt Him whisper to me to call in a couple of prayer warriors. And so...I sent 3 texts. Just 3. Only these 3 ladies and God knew what was happening in that moment. But, they prayed. They texted me words of comfort, and just when the enemy thought he had me in the palm of his hand...Operation Meltdown was thwarted. The prayers of faithful pulled me out...yet again!