I can't tell you how many times I've replayed Tuesday night, May 3, in my mental CD player - over and over and over.
Track 1 - Can't get Chris to respond to my texts or calls
Track 2 - Something's wrong - need help
Track 3 - At the police station filing a missing person's report
Track 4 - Back home waiting on a pastor friend to arrive
Track 5 - Driving all over the fog-filled Blue Ridge Parkway roads looking for Chris' missing truck
Track 6 - Realized it was no longer Tuesday, May 3
Track 7 - Worrying that Chris is all alone, hurt, scared, cold, wondering why I haven't found him
Track 7 is the one that I now have the answer to, but it's also the one I keep playing, because I often wonder...
How long was he alone before he made the choice to end his life?
Was he crying? Was he stoic? Did he pray?
Was he cold - it was such an usually ugly weather night?
Did he think about me? Did he think about Anna?
Was he scared? Did he ever feel abandoned?
Why oh why couldn't somebody have been there to stop him? Why?????????
And then...He speaks to me again...like He has so often these last 6 1/2 months.
My precious daughter, I was with him the entire time. Just like I've promised over and over, I will never, ever leave you or forsake you, I NEVER left Chris and was there as he took his final breath on earth and entered my presence in Heaven. I can answer every single one of the questions you keep asking yourself, but it truly doesn't matter now - does it? Just rest in the fact that Chris was never alone. Never. I whispered to him many times that evening, just like I'm whispering to you now. And, I tenderly held him. Just know this...he told you this himself in his last email to you...never doubt how much he loved you. Daughter, let that be enough to satisfy those unanswered questions. But...even more...never doubt how much I love you. Chris was never alone. And...what's more...neither are you my beloved! Even now, I'm catching those tears as they fall from your eyes. I. Am. Right. Here. Feel my Presence surrounding you - just like I did for Chris the night of May 3.