|Chris - my Superman!|
I've had so many people stress to me the importance of journaling since the death of my sweet Chris. As a lover of words, you would think that would be easy for me. But, it hasn't been. I've journaled some, but I've blogged a lot more. I think the blog posts have taken the place of traditional journaling for me.
However, there are some things that I simply can't post here. Nuggets that are too hard to bare and are just between God and me. Elements of pain that would not edify anyone reading the words. But, for some reason, today I felt led to share a few excerpts from some of my most early journal entries. Maybe...just maybe...God is speaking to one of you through some of these words.
9 days after Chris' death...I'm still struggling to find answers. I'm still struggling to get back into God's Word in more than a "surface reading" sort of way. I desire to devour it , but my heart won't let me just yet. And so...I skim. I am reading devotions and shockingly, but thankfully, the two I read today had to be love notes straight from God Himself: 5/13 Jesus Calling (Sarah Young) and 5/13 Morning By Morning (Spurgeon). I seek you Lord - now more than ever. I pray, God, that you'll speak to me in my dreams and that I'll remember it when I awake. Please give me a glimpse of Chris in heaven.
Now 17 days after my sweet husband suddenly left me for our eternal home...God's mercies continue to abound. Even so, I still hurt. I think the thing I struggle with most today is not having him to talk to. I ache for him...really ache for him. Maranatha!
I find that my blog has become a place of journaling much of what God has been teaching me along "Grief Road". However, there are still nuggets that are too personal or confusing or private to display on a public blog. ... I had an emotionally difficult time of prayer yesterday morning, but it resulted in God carrying me out of my "grief prison". Hallelujah!
I am really having to work hard to choose joy today, because Satan is working overtime to get me to be miserable. But, it's becoming my new mantra, of sorts...I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of my circumstances...I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of the depths of my sorrow...I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of what life difficulties seem to bombard me...I CHOOSE JOY! This life is so short & so fleeting! I get to live with Chris in heaven forever. Better yet - I get to live with Jesus in heaven forever! This life is but a "blip" on the pages of eternity. Therefore...I CHOOSE JOY!
Without Christ, I am nothing. Simple, but true. Without Christ, I couldn't do this. I couldn't walk Grief Road. Without Christ, I would be lost...and perhaps dead. But, being dead without Christ is the greatest tragedy of all. Thankfully, Chris is waiting for me in heaven! How about you?