Monday, October 24, 2011

This One Ain't Pretty!

Disclaimer: This isn't a pretty post. You know the kind? The one as my friend, Carol, would say that I try to write - regardless of how painful - and end up tying a pretty bow of inspiration on top at the end. Nope. Not today. So, if you're in the mood to be inspired...come back another day. This is just raw, authentic, hurting me today. I understand if you stop right here. Just...consider yourself warned.

Oh...I see you didn't stop. You're still reading. Well, as my husband would say, "Bless your heart!"

Today has been one of those days that I wish I could just erase. I wanted to go back to bed hours ago and just wake up to a new day...a do-over day.

It hasn't been any one thing. It's been a BUNCH of things. It actually started yesterday. Someone hurt my feelings...I guess I let them, and I still wasn't over it this morning. So, I woke up rather gloomy. It was a bright, sunny day, and I had the heart of Eeyore.

And, then it began. The waves of grief returned with a vengeance. One right after the other - knocking me off my feet. On top of that, the emotional drowning caused me to make bad eating choices today, which then led to feelings of failure. This was the day I was "starting over" on my healthy eating plan. I had lost a bunch of weight rather quickly in the first 8 weeks following Chris' death. It's gradually been inching it's way back (pardon the pun), and I'm miserable. M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E. So, today was the day. No more playing games. I had to get a grip. But, then came the waves. And, food became my comfort. Noooooooooo!!!!!!

This afternoon brought a trip to the dentist for my 6-month cleaning. That, in and of itself, was hard. The day Chris died, I had an appointment for a filling that had to be rescheduled. And so, today, as I was driving out there...THAT day...May 4...was heavily on mind. Then the waves came harder. I passed landmark after landmark that reminded me of my sweet man. I drove by the exit to the cemetery where he's buried. Then, I passed the SCUBA store (my Chris was a diver). Soon after, I drove past the shooting range where he let me practice shooting his rifles. I'll never forget how fun that day was...seriously.

Finally, I get to the dentist's office. While waiting to be called back, another woman was making an appointment for her husband. The receptionist asked for her cell phone number, and "the wife" began to call it out 276-xxx-xxxx. That's all I needed to hear: 276. The area code for my husband's hometown in Virginia. The tears were back. Over a silly area code? I was spent!

The dental visit was less than desirable. Two more cavities! What is going on? You'd think I was sleeping with a sugar cube in my mouth or something! Oh well...I shouldn't expect less on a day like today.

And top it off. I was in the grocery store with my daughter tonight. We just had to run in and get a few things. On the way out of the store, my ankle rolled (the one I sprained Saturday on my hike), and in what seemed like a slow-motion nightmare...I fell...HARD on the grocery store floor on my knee. So, now my ankle is knee is on fire...and I'm humiliated.

I'm just sad today. I'm hurting today. top it all off...I'm physically hurt now too. I'm ready for Home! Come quickly Lord Jesus! In the meantime, I guess I'll just go to bed and start over tomorrow.


  1. HIs mercy is new every morning, sweet sister. Thank God!!! I'm miserable today too for what it's worth. The food thing - praying that I will "get it" and "get it" soon.

  2. No words precious one. Just a Jesus hug and whispers to Heaven for His mercies to rain on you. Love you.

  3. Good to get this yuk out. Makes the testimony all the more authentic. God sees, and treasures your tears. Don't let the devil or the bonehead that hurt your feelings rob you of your joy. Sometimes we tuck our joy away, even when the sun is shining, but its not gone, just waiting to return. Love ya girl!

  4. Oh, how hard. Please be gentle on yourself.

  5. Must have been in the air...wasn't a very perky day over here either. I'm so sorry for all the jabs to your spirit, Leah. I love you, and as i turn out my light to go to sleep, I'll include you in my goodnight prayer. Mercies new!

  6. You're wrong: I'm still inspired. I am inspired by your authenticity and your willingness to trust us with your heart and your hurt so that we can pray for you more thoroughly.

    I love you my friend and I am so proud of you!

  7. Thank you friends! You're words of love and encouragement touched my core! Much appreciated and very much needed! xoxoxo