First a couple of reminders: today is the last day to enter the Day 1 giveaway, click HERE for details. You have until 11:59 pm tonight to enter, and the winner will be announced tomorrow!
Secondly: if you haven't had a chance to check out yesterday's post yet...you might be in for a surprise (I know I was...ha!). I posted my first video blog (or VLOG). Now you can hear the voice behind the words!
____________________________________________
It's strange, really. For the first time in 5 months, I feel fully alive again. Yes, today marks the 5th month anniversary of the day my husband disappeared and probably died. While his death certificate says he died May 4, because that was the day he was found (which is the day we observe on "official" stuff - including grave marker)...I believe he entered Heaven on May 3. Too many reasons to explain, but I'm nearly 100% sure of that. Regardless, 5 months ago today...my life changed. Dramatically.
So, how do I feel fully alive? I think the feeling came when I discovered that I'm ready to serve again. I want to serve others. I want to be the Lord's mouthpiece. I want to return to speaking. I want to share the miracle He's done in me through this horrific life event. I want others to see Christ through me. And...I'm excited about what lies ahead. Yes - I still dread the upcoming holidays without him. I dread "celebrating" my 40th birthday in January without him teasing me like crazy. I dread my first Valentine's Day without my sweet Valentine to say "I love you". I dread Easter. I dread the 1st anniversary of his death. But, even with the "dreads"...I'm excited. I'm ready to proceed in service with whatever plans the Lord has for me...but, with caution.
I say "with caution", because the tidal waves are sure to come again. It's just part of grief. And...it's the hardest part to explain to someone that has never been in my shoes. They look at me and think, "Wow...she's doing great! She's healing so well." And...then a tidal wave comes, and people seem shocked. It almost comes across to me as feeling like I've failed.
But, you know what? That's a lie of the enemy. There is no formula to grief. No two people experience it exactly the same way. And, I can't begin to predict what the next day will bring (much less the next hour). All I know to do is to take steps forward...to keep holding out my arms for the Lord to catch me when I start to fall...and to be willing to have Him carry me when I can't take a single step. I'm willing to take the risk to bring glory to His name.
And...so I proceed...with caution.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
...And, HE will direct your path! :~)
ReplyDeleteI was always amazed at those two realities of incredible sadness and incredible joy existing at the same time when my Dad died. Only through the amazing grace and power of the Lord! I too believe that there is no formula to grief. I also believe that God never intends for us to stay in a state of mourning; joy does come; and that is the hope we can hold onto during the darker days of grief.
ReplyDeleteTotally understand friend! I'm almost looking forward to getting through this first year without Mark. I feel like I may be able to really Live again once January gets here! Anyway, you keep moving one step at a time and I will keep praying for you:)
ReplyDeleteSilly blogger won't let me commen with my google account.
Cindy @ Consider It All Joy
Oh sweet one!
ReplyDeleteProceed away! It's my pleasure and privilege to cheer you on and pray for you.
And when you find yourself soaking wet and sputtering from a tidal wave, I pray you'll feel His strong arms wrapping you in a warm towel and wiping the sand from your eyes. He is with you!
Love you friend, Bird
I remember the morning that I was driving to work and I realized that I felt happy again after Mom and Grannie died. And then just as suddenly this weekend I was hit with a bout of tears over a quilt. I'm just so glad you are at the point where you are willing to serve again. God will give you the grace you need when you need it.
ReplyDeleteDeborah